menjangka betapa tingginya langit

Let’s talk about expectations. This entry is somehow dedicated to 2 friends of mine who said expectations sucks.

Here goes.
Expectations.
Those two persons told me time and again that people should not have expectations in life coz it will only shatter your heart to pieces.
I thought hope will. What’s the difference, anyway, between these two words?
Well, let’s assume that there’s no difference. Both nouns share the same meaning—somewhere near ‘thinking and feeling that something should happen as the result of some effort or something similar’. I totally made that up. Maybe the difference between these two is the degree of how much we are sure that something will happen as the result of blablabla. Which only to me means that hope’s sureness is of course lower than expectation’s.
Consider:

1. I expect that I will pass this test! (because a.i think I have studied hard enough and smart enough or b.the test is too easy, demit… or c.i knew the answers; I cheat) Or..i expect that I will fail this test! Because I don’t study at all.
2. I hope that I will pass this test… (because…well, I don’t know…I just hope I will pass it…)

See my point??
Anyway, yeah, I know, they totally have different meanings just that I am too lazy to look it up n the dictionary. I wouldn’t look words up for assignments, why should I do for this sort of crap…

So. I say: having expectations does not suck. Even if it does, it does not suck too much to be claimed that it sucks. What I mean is, having expectations is just the same as other concepts. It has its negative sides and positive sides too. We need to have them; it will bring us crappy times, but still, we sure do need to have expectations.

Situation 1. Emma is a girl who seldom has any expectations on herself and what she wants from her life. She cannot see where she wants herself to be in, for example, 10 years from now. In fact, she cannot see herself in whatever conditions but the conditions she is currently in even for next year. Though she is not exactly happy in her currently crappy life, she was too comfortable to make an effort to change. She was not expecting anything from her future but the same old farting routine. Hey, wait a minute. So she does have expectations but she expects something unproductive, unmotivating and pathetically self-pitying expectations that her life will continue like that no matter what she do—because subconsciously, she was too comfortable (??)

I am lost.
Let’s look at the
Situation 2. Lars is a cartoonist—an artist. Wait, maybe a writer. No..no… let’s stick to artist. Well, artists usually bump into really serious emotion-sucking problems that they sometimes found themselves in really deep-shit situations with their inner-self. So does Lars. See, Lars is a professional. Though he’s in the state of previously stated deep-shit situation, he still tries to meet up with his deadline for his cartoon strips for the next comic magazine issue. But as he held his pen, and started to draw, he found himself not satisfied with his work even before finishing it up first. So he crumbled his scraps without second thoughts. One by one. Until the deadline came, he had nothing. So he came up with “I have an artist’s block” excuse.

Maybe he did have that block. But actually, what stands between him and finishing his scraps? Having too high of an expectations on himself. Even before he finishes one work, he decides that it is not good enough. Even before he finishes drawing a line on that white paper, he can foresee that it will not turn out as good as he wants it to be.

Situation 3. Nine Inch Nails is a great band. I mean, a great sort of one-man-band band… erm..whatever. Trent is a great musician. That’s more I like it! So, with every previous albums are more than fulfilling my need of creative and energetic sound, I expect highly of his (then) new GHOST album (when it came out in NIN website. So, I bought it online and wait it to come to me like a pizza delivery at times when I was totally top-notch hungry. And when I type in my details for buying that CD, I have this certain expectations in my head, of how awesome it will be.

And it turned out to be—
REALLY AWESOMMEEE!! But my point is, it is totally not as I have expected even though there are a few pre-released tracks in their website as samples, but I was expecting something different. Though it turned out differently from my expectations, I was more than happy!—because it exceeds beyond my original expectations.

Herm…maybe this example of a situation is not good. Perhaps it is better to use “Viva La Vida” as an example. I don’t expect Coldplay to come up with something like that—and I totally despise them for that record; at first… but after a few listens, I think I can handle it. I still love them.

Or maybe it is better to use “Kid A” and “Amnesiac” as examples for failing everyone’s expectations after the creation of “OK Computer”. But though it failed people’s expectations, it has brought Radiohead to a different level of my (and many others’) respect, love and loyalty.
I am starting to get out of my topic.

So let’s reflect on these three different situations. *took a few minutes to read back again and again what have I typed ...having doubts...*

So situation 1 shows how by having too low of expectations, we can be very pathetic and static in life. Situation 2 shows that by having to high of expectations, we can also be pathetically static and unproductive. Situation 3 shows, I have somewhat the right level of expectations which resulted in me being overwhelmed with something extraordinary!

Well, considering situation 1 and 2, maybe having expectations sucks. Too high and then you drop—free-fall style. Too low and you would not have the motivation to make any effort. Consider: I do THISSSSS much of an effort because I expect I CAN reach THIS much of an achievement. Or: I do just this/ I don’t do anything at all because I expect I WONT reach anywhere, anyhow.

Tsk... at least I try to explain that having expectations does not suck. I try to explain that we need to have the right degree of expectations to move forward in our lives, that with expectations we can work things out for improvement through communication. And I want to explain that by having expectations we are not wrong—it is just our nature to have expectations after doing the same routine, or going the same route of life, or by looking at things through the behaviourist theory, it is just normal to have expectations.

Now that I fail to convince even myself that having expectations does not suck, I hereby declare that, I also believe that having them sucks. Or if perhaps it is true that it is inevitable to have expectations, we can try to moderate how high our expectations are. So that we can ‘fly’, but we should not ‘fly’ too high that we exceed the limit of the sky where there is no air to breath and we could die.
Moderation.

Let's take another example--couple X: girl needs certain things, girl expects boy to provide. Boy says that he's not really the guy who always provide those certain particularly things that girl needs, so boy expects girl not to demand, boy expects girl to understand. But because of this fact they always fight their heads off. Yet couple X love each other. They want to be together. So even though both girl and boy have their own expectations, through communication, they can improve their relationship by finding some point that they can satisfy both expectations. For example, girl demands less of what she needs, and boy provide as much as he can to girl.
Moderation.

berlari-lari anak

Kalau aku cakap aku baran, aku mau state-kan juga aku bukan proud untuk tahap baran aku. Tapi aku baran. Dan situasi aku di sini buat aku agak susah untuk melepaskan amarah yang kadang2 datang membuak-buak. Dan bila adrenalin rush tu, aku slalu amek jalan keluar mudah.

Jadi aku fikir, dah lebih sebulan aku tak update blog sbb aku rasa, aku tade topic yg cukup bagus untuk aku share—not that this (anger management?) is a good topic, I just thought it’s worthy to share since I feel like there are others who struggle to find some good ways to manage that extra energy.

When we’re tensed up with problems, stressed out with work, tired with emotional-draining issues—wait3.. I mean…when AI-AMM tensed, stressed, tired.. I sort of have this feeling like there’s this big gray and heavy cloud hanging up on my head. Everything feels so wrong and sad and empty… but then I am still able to run around hyper3ly, talk like there’s no tomorrow, and when I eat sometimes my hands are too shaky to shred that chicken meat from its bones…and when I confront or stumbled upon some problem, I immediately feel this rush…such rush…its amazing—that rush—tsk…then my body will tremble really badly…

Kadang2 aku boleh rasa yang aku stressed tapi aku tataw the reason pun. Bila orang tanya kenapa, aku cuma boleh jawab: aku tataw/aku tak pasti..sebab itu la sejujur2nya jawapan. Kadang2 aku cuma me-rasa…rasa sesuatu for no good reason, no explanation—I just feel them no-good-feelings.

Selalunya, aku throw a tantrum. Aku nangis. Aku buang2 barang. aku sepah kan satu bilik. Aku jerit3. Tapi di sini, di masa ini, semua tu macam mustahil (tp kdg2 aku buat jugak). jadi, like I mentioned before, I took the easy way out. I hurt myself. I feel the pain and only then that the thoughts rush in; pushed out the energy; n voila—I calmed myself down.

That was how I dealt with my anger.

Tapi sekarang, kerana tangan semakin kronik, dan dia—aku tau aku perlukan jalan lain.

Jog.

Simple betul. Tapi aku perasan my view of jogging sudah berubah. Kalau dulu, aku mau bakar lemak, aku mau naik tangga tanpa terchungap2. Sekarang, aku mau rasa the rush. The real rush.

Situasi nya: aku lari tanpa henti sampai aku lupa yang aku tengah lari. Tak kira laju ka, slow ka, lama ka, sekejap ka, yang aku tau aku lari sampai aku lupa yang aku tengah lari. Aku lari sampai aku aku tak boleh bernafas guna hidung saja. Buat masa ni, itu bermaksud lari tanpa henti untuk 30 minit. Not impressive, I know. But that’s not the point.

The point is, when I finally decided to stop, I feel this sudden rush of blood to my whole body. Macam terangkat.macam terbang.kaki macam tak jejak tanah sekejap. And it just feels so0o0o amazing. Perasaan tu sama macam makan wasabi—bukan perasaan terbang, tapi perasaan terkejut—that rush!! That’s the rush!!

Perbezaan jogging dengan bermain sports ialah aku tak perlukan my thinking to be occupied by abiding the rules or by strategies of games or by chasing ball(s) or by trying to communicate with others in the game. oleh itu, jogging bagi aku ruang untuk biarkan fikiran2 bodoh aku mengalir macam air peluh masam yang aku hasilkan dan biarkan fikiran2 itu terlepas keluar dari badan macam haba yang buat aku rasa badan aku mengembang.

And then of course after that awesome jog, balance kan lah dengan: balik bilik, cool down, mandi, dan balik pada Dia.

Dan mungkin, bila aku fikir balik, all I need is to really feel physically tired. Sebab—maybe—there is that connection, you know… bila physical kita tak penat, tapi mentally dan emotionally kita penat, ada satu ke-tidak-seimbang-an yang terjadi. Itu yang buat kan semuanya lebih complicated. Buat semua kacau. Jadi aku tekad, apa pun terjadi, aku perlu satu slot masa dalam hari-hari ku untuk memenatkan diri semaksimum yang mungkin dengan jogging (mungkin ada aktiviti lain yang sama sifat nya dengan jogging tapi i cant think of any right now). And before I forget to mention this—the key is to do something a little bit extra from what you perceive as your limit. Push yourself a little bit further but not too far that you injure yourself.

Tapi aku bukan tunjukkan betapa aku sudah bagus dalam mengerjakan rutin ini. Aku baru mau masuk 2 minggu buat kerja ni. Mungkin juga, beberapa hari akan datang, aku akan submit to my true trait—hangat2 tahi ayam. Tapi ini satu-satunya yang buat aku rasa produktif sekarang. Dengan keadaan aku tidak mampu melukis, menulis, tiada ilham, expectations terhadap diri sendiri yang terlalu tinggi, dengan fasa menemukan dua set of lego blocks yang berbeza tapi sama/sama tapi berbeza (which btw is never easier even after so much so-called-experience), dengan rasa hitam dan putih yang bertukar2 dengan laju—aku memang perlukan ‘nya. Dan aku harap aku dapat buat ‘nya dengan lebih baik.

Lagi satu, aku mau bila aku pulang, ada satu hati yang bilang “it’s okay”.