jauh

aku tidak pernah sedar betapa jauhnya kehidupan ku daripada Tuhan sampai lah beberapa ketika ini. aku tidak pernah juga terfikir betapa jauh nya kehidupan semua kita, dunia ini, kehidupan kita dari Dia dan KekasihNya.

sekarang, aku tidak tau mau ke mana. resahnya hati sampai tidak tahu mau mula di mana. beberapa purnama dulu aku fikir aku sudah mula bertapak mendekati Dia...rupanya, sungguh, jauh gila lagi...

tsk.tsk

Berguna dan digunakan

Beberapa minggu lalu aku terbaca satu status rakan di laman sosial. Dia menulis tentang bagaimana masyarakat kita diasuh sekian lama untuk berfikiran menjadi orang yang berguna kemudian dia mengaitkan dengan menjadi orang yg digunakan.

Instantly i wished to comment the status with my disagreement. Being used is not the same as being useful. But i refrain myself for the fear of having an opinion without facts to base it. I was so sure that living in a community will surely demand us be part of it by being a "useful" person. I'm sure Islam also demands this but again, i dont have anything.

Then, last night i read through a couple of hadiths and stumbled upon
{Sebaik-baik manusia ialah yang bermanfaat }
Google it for further reading. Enough for spoon-feeding at the classroom. Anyway. Ternyata, kita sebagai manusia yang hidup bermasyarakat apatah kita ini masyarakat majmuk tentunya ada sebab kita dilatih dari kecil untuk menjadi manusia yang berguna.

Yang tahu, buatlah kerja tanpa disuruh. Yang tak tahu, bertanyalah. Yang bijak, mengajarlah pada yang tak tahu. Yang mampu, buat la apa yang termampu. Yang tidak, buatlah yang setakat mampu. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Konsep "jangan volunteer, nanti org suka bagi lagi banyak kerja" aku rasa adalah konsep yang menunjukkan betapa penakutnya kita. Simpan ketepi lah konsep itu. Dunia perlu orang berani. Allah janji bagi pahala syurgawi. Jangan disimpan saja kebolehan dihati. Bawa mati, takda paedah pun nanti.

Tapi, jangan pula gigit lebih dari yang boleh kau kunyah. Dont bite more than you can chew. Nanti kebangkalan kata orang Sabah. Tersedak. Tercekik.

Dejavu

Several students commented "cikgu, aku x payah datang sekolah pun boleh pelajar ba!!"

I learned the word dejavu from watching the matrix. I learned about the blindspot when i read a doremon comic. I learned about inertia by watching sauce come out of the bottle. I learned about last resorts from a paparoach song (lameeee group they were) i learned the concept of broken homes and troubled teenagers from memorizing eminem songs. I learned many things that i know today from outside of the classroom.

But still, the classroom is where most of my learning happens. Even until today.

So why are people questioning the role of schools in educating people?

Some other students also said (more of screaming) "alaaaa orang x pi skolah pun boleh kaya laaaa !!!!!"

I....hmmm i should simply replied:

Good luck.

Roda cikgu pelajar

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku mau buat satu blog has untuk apa aku mau cakap pada pelajar2 aku. Tapi bila Nampak blog yang ini pun sudah using dan bersawang2, aku jadi putus semangat. Bukan tiada masa. Cuma, bila aku duduk depan laptop, aku rasa serba salah. Banyak kerja lain yang lebih layak di buat oleh seorang isteri dan ibu seperti aku.

Priority memg-update posts dalam blog sudah jatuh nombor beribu2 di dalam list aku. Segan bila suami tengok kita duduk depan laptop macam orang bujang. Kadang2 ini yang buat aku rindu hari2 bujang aku. DON’T GET ME WRONG. I am happy as a married person. Cuma macam itu lah hidup kan, setiap perkara itu ada pro dan kontra, ada lebih kurangnya. Iya itu lah hidup.

Aku ni sebenarnya mau update ulasan guru dalam SAPS Cuma internet macam gila. It only connects for about 30 seconds before going off again. Hmmmm Jadi alih nya membebel di sini. Ya lah, mau membebel pada suami, nanti jadi tipikal bini. Hahahaha mau membebel pada bayi, dia pun membebel balik dengan buih2 liur di bibir. Heheh.

Oleh itu, di sini lah aku. Terpesona dengan hebatnya dan magis nya music, boleh jadi time machine untuk bawa kita ke masa lampau. Sebab aku di sini, membelek2 lagu2 lama yang dulu menemani aku menaip kertas assignment dan buat research, tapi rasa2 macam aku masih di meja ku di asrama Unicom di kota yang tenang itu. Hidup uni. Rindu sangat. Semua pengalaman itu…kadang2 buat aku terfikir—pelajar aku fikir aku tidak akan mampu faham keadaan mereka. Mereka fikir aku tidak akan pernah faham perspektif dan laluan hidup mereka.

Masalahnya ini—AKU FAHAM SEBAB DULU AKU PUN MELALUI PERKARA YANG SAMA. Mungkin berbeza di satu dua aspek, tapi hakikatnya, aku melalui hari2 remaja juga. Hari2 di mana aku tercari2 identiti diri, hari2 di mana aku bertanya2 siapa kawan siapa lawan, hari2 di mana aku berdepan situasi dan ‘dipaksa’ membuat keputusan. Berang kadang2 bila mereka dengan angkuhnya mengatakan: Cikgu mana paham!!! Cikgu mana tau!! Tu lah cikgu marah2 kami…

Itulah masalahnya, kerana cikgu faham lah cikgu marah… sebab cikgu tidak mahu kamu melalui perkara bodoh yang sama seperti cikgu lalui selepas cikgu melakukan/mengambil keputusan yang bodoh.

And thus I came back to my one true reason why I finally can settle myself in this profession: “ I wana help them to not go through the same shit that I did”… Tapi, itu semua pun terpulang pada mereka kan? Sama seperti aku dulu (masa jadi pelajar) aku tidak akan faham apa yang guru2 aku faham (pada masa itu).

Pusing2.
Roda. Itulah hidup.

cinta kecil. little love.

It's so amazing that this little one fits your hands and arms so right...
this little one seems so small one time
so fragile that you have this sudden rush panic
and you wished he would just be back in your womb
so that you can protect him from everything

and this little one can seem so big on other times.
so big that you feel your hands shaking
the weight unbearable that you lost yourself

It's amazing.
how much a person can depend on you
how much he needs you for everything
this can either empower you
or break you

ada degup jantung di sisi pipiku bila aku mendekat
laju dan berirama seperti lagu

lembut sutera kulit tanpa celanya
ada senyum naif yang memaksa aku kuat
cuba melindungnya dari segala
walau aku tau
pendek lengan ku tidak mampu
merangkul seluruh hidupnya dalam satu pelukan

tapi aku cuba selalu ingat,
bukan aku yang punya kuasa
tapi Dia.
ini cuma amanah dan aku berusaha atas kudrat ku
untuk terus melindunginya
semampu yang boleh

i miss this

i want to feel that

it has been a while. hai.

this blog got me thinking, you know. i was one with loads of things to say and write back then...and now, look at this crappy blog i cant say anything anymore. and i realize, when i arguing with people, i let go more easily now. i dont know why. i envy people who are still good with words and can say what they mean out loud and get people's responses.

maybe its the new surroundings. meaning my husband? hahahah ..hm.. meh~

anyways. with this new life-schedule i have (im a new mom btw)i am blessed with some time to re-discover myself.. as u know, pressure can squeeze heck a lot of things out of u.. and it seems that the pressure that this little cute human being squeeze out of me is the force to search for the person whom i thought i was before...

so, what did i re-discover? i re-discover my passion for music. the layers of sound that can be so harmonious with my feeling and nostalgic memories...since i was 12, i cant live without my walkman (then cassette player, now mo3 player) but since i got married, i left it alone in its case. kesian. so, i got back into it, i dont really know what made me, but i started listening to kings of lambs. i finally can digest it, (i couldnt when it first released) and i dont know what the heck made me click on that youtube to listen to Adele.

but gosh, i surely am glad i did. she's super. one thing i can say about her that made me like her is that she's just like radiohead.

trus jadi brain damage sbb nda dapat digest apa persamaan adele dgn radiohead. ok la. this post isnt suppose to be about music. so i should just leave that for u to figure..

*tiba2 baby iyyad buat bunyi comel--caiirrr kejap grrhhhhh took 5 minute to cry*

so i was saying,..while i was watching adele n listening back to radiohead n other bands i used to love to listen to all the time-- i thot...it is probably the best feeling to say/sing/write/draw/make anything etc etc and really mean twhat you say/sing/write/draw/make that thing etc and have the whole world (or many people pun jadi la) to share it with and make them understand what you mean and go say "hey, i feel that too" or "that's exactly what i was thinking!!!"

you know?...

maybe that is what our generation is aiming for..especially our youth and our teenagers...including me!! (i am so young) ...u know..that great feeling of being able to express ourselves and share it with the whole world and be understood...

i want that. i wish i have that...
draw comics and have people cry reading it (like i did reading that drama-genre comic while i was in welly, cried because it was abo0ut someone's daddy)...
write books and have people go through a roller coaster of feelings...(like i had when i read that book by that someone coz its about some sad family)
give speeches and have people agree with you and saya "yeah mannn!!" out loud..but i aint no man, and i rarely listen to speeches..hah
write and sing songs and make people cry too....

i guess...the key is to have that bizarre effect is simple...

it's honesty.
plain honesty. jujur, tulus, ikhlas. dalam apa juga kita buat. wearing our hearts on our sleeves...then we can express ourselves, and have people listen.

what a feeling.