tooo big of plans; tooo much worrieesss

What would you do if you have too many and too big of plans..?

resize and minimize? prioritize?

then what? where'd you start?

to be honest; (i've confessed this once or twice in this blog a couple of years ago) I AM CHICKEN SHIT. scared to do anything on my own. Well, i do crazy stuffs alone; but i am still scared while doing them.

i hope this fear will go away n make way for me to realize some of my dreams. I wish that God will grant me 'ilham' and make my road less difficult to travel towards realizing my dreams but in the same time still reminds me of Him.. huhu

What would you do if your love is dying in front of your face? What would you do....? I have no idea.....do I talk? do I cry? do I doodle over my feelings waiting for its last breath? or do I plant a new seed? i have no idea..

no idea at all.

But today, I learned one thing (a cliche, but i guess, only now that i understand it for real..) which is: JUST DO IT

when u worry too much, asks questions too much; u can be counter-productive. tht sucks. so just do it, JUST DO IT. JUST DO IT. well, just-enough-thinking is required though..

but do it; am gona doodle that phrase somewhere.

I envy kids.

budak2 (definisi budak2, max age: bila parents budak2 tu stop manjakan mereka) bila ada nda puas hati ja boleh meraung sepuas hati. nangis tunjuk perasaan. muncung 3 inci keluar. aku fikir; best nya diorang...i envy kids..

orang dewas? huh. dewasa; expectations orang, ko mst matang, ko mesti tau apa yang ko buat, ko mesti sentiasa waras dan stabil dan cerdik; barula orang pandang ko bagus, acknowledge ko, nda kutuk, nda caci maki ko.

darn. nda adil ba.

come on, man. It's not like I've peterpan-syndrome (maybe?). But heck, I wana cry when I want to. I wana laugh; giggle, be chirpy and wacko skit2 and not be weirdly stared at. the thing is; kids have it all. They have the freedom I wish I have (once more).

They poop anywhere and anytime they liked and still be adorable. They cry, they hit you, they scream at you when they want to buy something but you refused, and still; they'd be loved unconditionally... and the abundant love they get from everyone (no one hates 'em); wont stop until they're around *thinking hard* okay maybe around primary schools 'cause that's when they'd start having sick revengeful enemies.

hah. kids.

Coming back to my most important point; they cry without the slight effort to cover it up, they'll cry when they're upset.it's simple.

besh bahhh...kita orang tua2, mst malu/segan/benci utk menangis. sbb menangis tu tunjuk kelemahan. menangis tu menunjukkan ada sesuatu yg tidak kena. hessskkkmmmm sometimes, we cry and dont even get the comfort we search for. sometimes we get even further blames. gurhhh but kids? most will get hugs and will get more pampered. eee jeles nih :(

n people will just view them adorable. just adorable.

situation: kid cries.

reaction: "allooooo chhiaannnyee diaaaa..napa nangishhh nieeee? jgn la nangisshh :( *turns around to parent(s) n adds* comelnyaaa anak akak/abang..napa dia, kak/bang? mau saya belikan gula2 untuk dia?"....

situation: adult cries

reaction: "knp la ba kau ni lagi...apa masalah mu?cuba ko cerita sama aku...*listens (only) a quarter of the story and quickly concludes* alaaaa biasa la ba tu hidup/dunia...knp jugak ko buat *adds adult's own faults*...patutnya ko buat *adds own elaborations n examples which dully only related to him/her own self*

compare the two situations. now; dont you envy kids too?

slamat hari isnin, pok(s).

thought disorder

I just got home from--well, somewhere, and I sat here in my 'office' to continue on my latest piece since 930pm. almost an HOUR past and the piece is still lying there at the corner of my table with the pencil case neatly 'sitting' on it like a quit dog.

I always get distracted. Hey, in this world full of everything, who arent distracted? If everyone isnt distracted by what they are suppose to do, everyone'd be --------

im distracted again. my point is, yes, i always am distracted by the little things while i should be doing some other things. A few weeks ago I came up to this read while browsing what might have caused all the heavy and endless migraines I have been having since 13 years old (which is getting more serious these few months). SO i came up with this conclusion that people like me and my big boss are seriously having this disorder.

OKay. I am also a mild drama queen so maybe this is just similar to the phase when i totally believed that i suffer from mild depression and ....

...

so, waz....When you have tooooo much in your head that you wanted to let it all out; write it down. doodle it. scratch it on woods for GOD's sake and find what is it that you really wana talk about. WHAT MATTERS THE MOST in your point? then, get it rearrange, rewrite it, and then talk about it.

i guess, most of the people with serious thought disorder dont have much time to do all that rearranging process. We have too much things in our head that the process will take tooo longgggg that we just give it up in the middle; and considered it another pointless pursuit...

and so; at the end of the day, it's either we'll be this quit person that goes hyper with all those things in her/his head or be the other person who will talk endlessly; beating around the bush until the train of thoughts finally has a ending.

ENVY

I think I need to be more observant; and in the same time be more expressive too. coz People said that good artists are good observers; and People also said that being expressive of who we really are is going to make us different than others.

So I come up with a nice little equation: GOOD OBSERVER + MORE EXPRESSIVE OF SELF = good 'artist'..

BUt then again, it's not as easy. Always the case.
I just want it to happen.
Overnight?
OKAY.
It's a process.
Just be something; waz.. rather than keep on being envious of others life and talent.

Meanwhile

Weirdly funny: HERE. I have to admit; it's true. Well, at least in my case. Everywhere I turn, everyone I See, every life I know, I feel envy. It's ***i lack vocabulary***. Maybe that is why I choose not to buy magz, or watch too much tiviii, or listen to too much stories,...

This envy thing's making me narrow-minded. I've been narrow minded since the day I taught myself to be too envious. Blergh. Sunday morning blues. Horrible weekend, by the way. I can't figure out what I wanted; let alone figuring out what other people want of me. Tough problem. Tougher than maths, I'll say.

SOmetimes I feel I'm JACK. Being a jack of all trades sucks big time. 'coz you'll b a master of NONE; and that sucks--being a jack.

Sometimes I just got so ooo inspired that I go bodo and blank.