becoming irrelevant

Last published on 2nd April. Shocking. To me at least.

It seemed that the person that I know as 'my self' has been irrelevant lately. Meaning that I dont see my self as being myself for the past few weeks. No. That's not right. What I really mean is that...I put myself behind too much these days... Whatever it is that I want to do; for myself, I'll put it on hold...and I'll put my work first.

Not that I want to say that I dont really do my work willingly--dont take me wrongly, I do, I'm doing it because I want to. And I wont blame it on it either (my work); pushing me away from doing what I like. Maybe my time management and self discipline is somewhat lacking. And maybe; as I have said--the workload made my previous hobbies seemed irrelevant. When compared to my work.

I didnt take care of myself properly; thus been sick for almost 4 weeks. Checked my blood a few days ago and found out a few things are not 'quite' right. Sometimes I find myself going blank once I got home from work; due to the sudden change of environment: school=loads of work that need loads of cognitive and physical effort that also drains my emotion [changing to] home=relax (but still loads of pending work to do).

Sometimes, I can go blank/idle for a few minutes before realising that I am actually not doing anything and not even thinking. Just staring at something. Like the TV. That's just wasn't me.

At school, I could identify that I have forgotten to do something/some work/some chores if I am idle for a second. If I am not doing anything at all--then, I know, I must've forgotten something. Darn.

I am not whining; maybe I am but I'd like to think that I am not, so beat it. But I am just pushing myself to reflect on this matter. The matter of making a list of to-do's without me being in the list...

I think it's pathetic.

Moreover that for the past 4weeks I've been taking loads of medicines...my nights are shortened. I'll fall asleep a few minutes after I took my meds at 7-730pm and had to force myself to wake up at 5 in the morning.

And now...honestly...I feel that, I've lost myself, and I've lost the ability to work properly for others too. Yang di kejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran...

I need to 'reschedule' my life. Where should I start?

Not really that big of a problem

I have a problem.

I cant really shop here. Sandakan I mean. Apart from my weekdays work, I don't really have close girlfriends here to bring along for shopping. I hate shopping alone. I'll look n sound weird coz I'll talk to myself too much while browsing.

I thought of trying to ask some of my colleagues out; but then, where to? We only have small boutiques here. Nope. No shopping malls. These small boutiques, located far apart from each other + the sun's too happy to shine, it seems impossible to shop happily here. In my terms, at least.

I am never near a shopaholic. But a girl will still be a girl and this girl needs to feed her hands with some new things.

And then came the idea. Online shopping. A few years ago, my idea about online shopping was: a total no-no. Untill I came to Welly. But this is Malaysia. I have no idea. *I refused to google* Who knows about online shopping in Malaysia? Nab's name came up. So I messaged her through FB asking for some directions. The internet is just too vast. I need to ask for directions; I thought, or I'll be lost and frustrated.

So she gave me a couple of site links.

And so, now, I have bought two new cardies, and I am still in the hunt for a new handbag and a new belt. My mom is against this. But I assure her that this is my last resort.

Now, I have resolved my problem of not being able to shop here. I shop online now.

But then I have a new problem. I can't stay focused while I am working when there is an internet connection.

darn.

This blog has been idle for too long?

Brapa kali aku klik butang 'new post'. Asyik gagal saja mau mengarang.

Sometimes when I try to write, I feel there is a big puzzle in my head; asking the big question about what it is that I am trying to do with this blog I own...

I have two other sites that has clear purposes. And that left me thinking, do I have a purpose writing here? Do I? Really?

I suppose, every blogger that have at least some ambitions in real life has come to this stage of blogging where s/he will ask the first question that s/he asked when s/he first started blogging: why do I need a blog?

It's like the first time you decide you wanted to be something, or you decide to do something 'big' with your life. Let's say that I am going on a journey; for a pupose. This purpose is so big that I cannot say no to myself for that decision on going for that journey...

and so I started the journey.

Along the way, I stumble onto so many things, I face so many happenings and meet so many new people. Untill I realized that I somewhat forgotten what was my original purpose for starting the journey ..

If I totally forgotten my purpose, I might as well stop where I am at;and settle in and make home out of the woods around me. Or I could think of a new purpose for this journey that I took; and make a new plan and strategy of reaching my destination. A neat one so that I wont forget it again.

If I could remember my original purpose of starting that journey, I'd still have two options. Continue. Or start on a new purpose; if I dislike the original one...

Ahh. Such a silly thing to dwell on this Friday night.
I think too much.
And silly me to think out so loudly.