sakit

aku mau terangkan sedikit fasal komik ini.

Apa yang buat aku dapat idea itu ialah, cases when some of relatives or friends or friends' relatives had to go through the same sh** of going from doctor to doctor to be told that they are just fine; nothing wrong; most after just a bit of twitching here and there. or worse, they are told something is wrong with them but nothing can be done. In some of these cases they do end up with a disclosure. A doctor finally really give a damn good check up, found something, explain what it is thoroughly and in simple-comprehensible explanation and some of the options of cure/treatment and help them choose one.

kemudian aku sambungkan idea tu dengan fakta yg kita org malaysia ni kadang2 tersalah pilih jalan alternatif. Ya itu usaha, tapi kita mesti bijak memilih. jangan sampai menyimpang jalan. tapi sejujurnya, aku boleh fahami kenapa kita begini. orang yang sakit (sakit sangat nih) akan cuba cari jalan untuk menghilangkan sakit itu (dan tidak berulangan). ini bermaksud mereka perlu lebih dari pain-killer.

dan orang2 kita yg sakit ni, kadang2 mencari jawapan yang 'masuk akal'. yang mereka boleh fahami. jadi bila doktor menerangkan seperti "oh, ini biasa ni. kamu sakit dududu. jadi ambil ubat ni (pain killer)" mereka akan masih punya ruang untuk berteka-teki sendiri. sampai lah bomoh2 bagi mereka jawapan yang mereka boleh relate. "si polan hantar itu ini untuk sakitkan kau" walaupun ini lebih out of this world (sbb berkaitan dunia makhluk halus), dek kerana background kita yang memang memercayai alam ghaib, kita lebih boleh relate..kan?

mereka akan rasa, ok lagi bomoh ni, dia terangkan semua. bg ubat 'elok2'..terperinci.

*raise eye-brows*

sedangkan---suruh macam2, humban syiling di sungai madai berjumlah rm300? makan biawak? baca mantera pelik2 yang tak jumpa di mana2 di lembaran Al Quran?.. hurmm...tapi alternatif ini lagi perasan-jitu dari doktor2 yg bagi-muka-aku-tak-kesah-pun-kalau-kau-mati-tapi-kau-mesti-bayar-yuran-consultant-dan-ubat2-yang-aku-sendiri-pun-tak-yakin-betul.

kan?

jadi, doktor2 tu terangkan elok2, "makcik, yg sakit begini dan begitu selalu nya kerana begitu begini. ini di panggil sakit lalalala. atau mungkin sakit lilili, mari saya cek dulu, kita tengok mana yang lebih tepat. (tidak lama selepas itu). makcik, kita sudah dengan yakin yang sakit itu sakit lalala. bukan lilili. jadi, makcik ada beberapa pilihan untuk menyembuhkan sakit ini. pilihan itu ialah blablabla, mana satu makcik rasa makcik nak?..(beberapa lama lepas itu) ok, makcik..macamana progres? (dan terus cek dari masa ke masa)

adakah aku terlalu demand untuk meminta melalui proses sebegitu bila pigi doktor? hmm..

ya, memang bukan semua doktor begini. kalau tidak, tidak lah cerita di atas berjumpa penutupnya dengan menjumpai doktor pakar yang (duit pun pakar) menjumpai jawapan sebenarnya.

dan bukan semua jalan alternatif salah. Ada ustaz2 yang menggunakan Al-Quran semata untuk merawat. Dan kita tau yg ayat2 AlQuran itu dari Allah untuk kita. penawar jiwa raga.

tapi itu lah. kesimpulan sebenarnya ialah; sakit akan datang pada kita sebagai dugaan dari Allah. apa yang datang selepas itu ialah pilihan kita.

dan sebenarnya juga, kesihatan itu pun dugaan dan cabaran bagi kita yang selalu lupa Pencipta kita dan suruhanNya.

*sob2...sy slalu sakit. mudah2an sakit2 ni bantu sy cari jalan pulang dengan lebih clear.

just a monday speech to be read by one of my students

Assalamualaikum and a good morning I bid to my dear teachers and my fellow friends.

Most of us here think that going to school is a guarantee that we will succeed. Sometimes, when some of us skip school too often or play truant, teachers told them if they wanted to succeed in life, they have to come to school. At other times, when teachers ask students why they come to school, they say they want to study so that they will be successful. But, unfortunately, they show little or no effort to study at all.

When teachers say “you should go to school so you can be successful” it actually means a lot more. To be successful, going to school is just the starting point. It is only the first of a list of things to do before you can be successful inside and outside of school. Today, I will explain to you about six things that we need to work on in order to really strive to be successful. Of course, for a start, go to school. We should avoid skipping classes or school days, by all means. That is the first step.

Now, once in school, we have to remind ourselves that school is a system where grades are always the priority. Therefore, we have to, firstly, pay attention in class. It is the place where we will receive all the main information about the subjects that we take in exams. We have to make sure that we understand the teachings of our teacher. After that, we have to work hard to get good grades. That includes making sure that we do all the exercises and homework given. We also need to put on extra effort through learning from extra books and finding extra information from other resources such as the internet, the television and magazines.

Other than learning about the subjects for the examinations, we should also learn values. To a certain extent, school is a perfect reflection of how the real society will look like when we go to the university or into the working life. Therefore, we could observe how we should be part of this society. For example, we should learn how to respect the people around us in school; just like we should later in our working life. Here, we should not only respect the teachers, but our fellow friends and other students too. Juniors or seniors; it doesn’t matter. We should also respect the non-teaching staff such as the clerks and the dear cleaners who we owe so much for keeping this school clean and tidy. When we respect people around us, we will be in good manners. We will behave. The value of good manners is also important everywhere, because it will, most of the time, keep us out of trouble.

Now, having intelligence and good manners is still not enough. The third thing in the list of being a successful person is to learn a few important skills. The skills include social skill, creative and critical thinking skill and risk-taking skill; just to name a few. To learn skills such as these is very important because once we are out there; either on our way to the tertiary education or to the workforce, we need to communicate well with other people using our social skill. We also need to think smartly about where should we start and how we can progress using our thinking skill. Risk-taking is needed when we have to make choices and as we know every choice has its risks. Know them well, and we will choose the right choice.

Fourthly, we should try to understand our surroundings. Gather as much experience as you can by joining in as many activities as you are allowed. As the saying goes, “experience is the best teacher”. Going through many activities and events will definitely help you to learn fast about how the world and the things in it go about. People who act too childishly are people who restrict themselves from experiencing more. They will have little meaningful insights of the world and will be too immature. Some of us might argue that there are several examples of people who go through so many things but are still immature and shallow. This is because they go through their experiences blindly. We have to think about and evaluate those experiences; don’t just have them. Reflect on them. Think! Understand! And make them positive experiences.

That aside, the fifth thing is we should try hard to know ourselves – our strengths and weaknesses. This is very important too because us, ourselves, are the core to whatever we do. And to be successful in the real world is to be clever in manipulating and improving your strength, in the same time confronting your weaknesses and turning it into something good. For example, one is good at cooking and has the passion in it. But he is weak in mathematics. He, then, should work on improving the cooking skill and in the mean time work on mathematics. How? Maybe he can manipulate his cooking hobby to learn about mathematics. When he has good results in SPM examination, he can pursue his tertiary education in culinary and become a great chef!

Finally, we should always realize that the basic of life is the spiritual aspect of it. And the only way to flourish our souls and spirits is to always try to stay close to our creator; Allah. Islam is, by all means, beautiful. If we try our best to be good Muslims, we are no far from being successful. In fact, being a true Muslim is being a successful person. The teachings of Islam are so broad that it touches every aspect of our lives. If we follow it closely; we will realize that it is a great way of life where we will be trained to be humble, disciplined, hard working, loving, kind, and intelligent people. And as we strive to be the best, we will definitely stumble upon difficult times. But if we stick on the basic of life, we will be just fine.

There you have it, all six important things to work on if we really wanted to be successful. In a nutshell, one can conclude that if we put our head and heart and soul into it, there will be nothing to stop us. Insha’Allah, we will all be successful people one day. Thank you.

sejujurnya

masa tadika, mak aku cakap, i couldnt stop crying on my way to the kindergarten.

masa cuti sekolah rendah,

"ohhhh cuti mau habis sudaaaa *stressed, most of the time would cry over the realization*"

masa cuti hampir habis waktu sekolah menengah,

"waaaaaaaaaaaa.......*lari pi sama mama* ma, aku nda mau pi sekolah boleh ka?" then i found myself in a wagon, in my way to the hostel.

masa cuti di kolej, merasa amaaaattt malas untuk 'pulang',

"aaahhhhh assignment................"

masa di wellington,

"tik, yuk kita pi oriental bay?" *cepat2 lari keluar sblm lecturer masuk*

ps; dilakukan sekali sekala saja ok. SEKALI SEKALAAAAAAA.

sekarang, 25tahun

"....abang, boleh ka saya nda mau pi sekolah? *tells husband every sunday or after a holiday*

but let me tell you this

i get myself up and go all the way to that place and do my best in whatever i do,

OKAY.

fikiran satu kosong satu kosong

kadang2 aku rasa bersalah bila merasakan diri sendiri tidak cukup.

salah kah perasaan ini?

bila aku mengira-ngira apa yang aku ada dan merasakan bahawa apa yang aku ada itu tidak cukup? adakah aku dikira orang yang tidak bersyukur, Allah?

Ampunkan aku jika ya...

cuma aku sentiasa mengharap diri lebih baik dari siapa aku sekarang. itu yang aku kira-kira masih lagi tidak cukup.

bila aku lihat hasil kerja si polan itu lagi baik, aku merasa resah. aku rasa aku ingin buat sebaik itu. atau mungkin lebih baik dari itu. aku cuba. kadang2 terlalu mencuba, aku rasa. buruk juga hasilnya.

bila aku lihat hasil usaha si polan ini pula lagi berkualiti, aku merasa marah pada diri sendiri. aku berfikir panjang di mana silapnya usaha ku sampai hasil usaha ku buruk apabila dibanding dengan hasil usaha si polan ini...

apakah aku salah, ya Allah, bila mengira-ngira begini?

kalau iya, jadikan lah aku antara orang yang bersyukur.

dan jadikan lah aku orang yang 'cukup' bijaksana dan 'cukup' bakat dan ilhamnya..supaya aku mampu menggunakan apa saja yang aku ada untuk menghasilkan sesuatu yang baik dengan izin Mu..supaya aku mampu membuat apa saja yang aku mampu untuk memberi kesan kepada kebaikan dengan izin Mu..

aku cuma insan kerdil--tapi aku ingin beri 'kesan'

apa cita2ku terlalu besar, Allah?

buruknya sekolah?

we can always see things differently. the things we thought are good--are probably arent that good--it can be totally bad. and the things that are bad; tearing our hearts apart; breaking the hopes that we thought we had in our hands--are probably the best things that could happen to us..

paham x?

for example: aku slalu marah dgn budak2 dalam kelas aku. refer to my previous post. ini secara langsung buat aku marah dengan sistem pendidikan di negara kita. sometimes i feel most things arent where they are suppose to be (whenever i am at school).. perasaan marah itu buat aku bertambah over-peka to all the small details in school and in my life in particular. and i was like picking up all the sad things; the unfortunate things; the heart-breaking truths about life...

ya. aku memang sebegitu pathetic.

tapi sebenarnya? at the end of the day; you rest your head on the shoulders of your 'home', look back; and then you'll see...

Allah. semuar perkara baik saja.
perkara-perkara yang aku marahkan sebenarnya ada eloknya.

Sekolah ialah sebuah institusi yang penuh dengan falasi. Aku rasa memang itu pendapat aku semenjak aku dibangku sebelah penerima sehinggalah aku di bangku sebelah pemberi...but, despite all my bad-mouthing about it, aku sedar yang ia juga sama seperti semua 'barang' buatan manusia. it reflects its creator. kita ni manusia penuh kekurangan. takkan mampu mencipta sesuatu yang sempurna. berbeza dengan Pencipta KITA SEMUA.

--------

seperti yang aku sentiasa ingatkan diriku dan yang lain bila mampu; kesempurnaan ciptaan kita sebagai manusia terletak pada ketidaksempurnaan kita..hm. ini sudah jauh dari apa yang aku ingin sampaikan.

fokus ku sebenarnya ialah; dalam falasi diri--falasi sistem pendidikan kita terletak pelbagai kelebihan, pengajaran, kebaikan untuk orang-orang yang mahu berfikir, mau belajar, mau mengambil sesuatu yg baik darinya.

--------

dulu, ada satu kali tu; one of the parents said something like this:
apalah gunanya belajar semua sains, fizik, kimia, biologi bila kau keluar, kau jadi akauntan.
or was it that line? i wasnt really listening actually. but his point was; some of the subjects learned by the students will be wasted therefore learning those subjects are a waste of time.

a few teachers and i was so hot in our seats listening to what he was saying.
im an English teacher. but where i was before this? i was in a Chinese kindergarten for a year or so; was in a science boarding school--learning Chemistry, Biology and Physics for two years and then continued my study in TESL studies.

i dont think it's a waste. not at all.
you know why?

coz when we learn something; we werent just learning the subjects; what we learn affects us. it changes our logic, the way we think and the way we go through life and it adds our common knowledge; and most importantly; it makes us ponder the greatness of Allah.indirectly or directly.percaya lah.

sebagai contoh: konsep inersia.
Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion.

aku rasa antara semua konsep mudah dalam fizik, ini yang aku paling ingat. ia juga jadi salah satu kerepek yang aku jadi kan falsampah dalam fikiran-fikiran aku.
lihat konsep ini dalam real-life. lihat sos dalam botol yang di-jerkah menurun. lihat badan kita dalam kereta yang berhenti guna break. perubahan pasti akan ditentang dahulu sebelum diterima.

botol yang digoyangkan kebawah terhentak berhenti ditahan tangan. sos yang bergerak kebawah bersama goyangan botol tadi terus menentang ke-berhenti-an botol itu dan terjatuh keluar dari botol.

tidakkan ia mengajar kita sesuatu? tidakkan ia membuatkan kita berfikir?

itu baru sos. belum lagi knowledge pasal binari. pasal plente. pasal sistem pencernaan. atau macamana mau buka tutup akaun. ia efek jiwa. biarpun bukan pendidikan agama; ia tetap efek jiwa. sebab semua pengetahuan pun datang dari Maha pencipta.

tapi itu pun kalau kita mau belajar.

aku belajar berdebat bukan untuk jadi politician. tapi ia mengajar aku menjadi pemikir-sisi-yang-lagi-satu..bukan sesuatu yang boleh dibanggakan. tapi aku sentiasa mencuba.

ha. i always found myself almost crying over simple things at school--macam kerja banyak, tugasan banyak, tekanan dari pelajar yang berharap, tanggungjawab yg berderet2 (tambah lagi tanggungjawab di rumah yang baru) tapi bila air mata hampir hilang; baru aku ternampak everything the other way around. kerja yang banyak dan tugasan yang banyak mesti latih diri aku jadi lebih 'tahan-lasak'. tanggungjawab disekolah dan rumah, dan harapan anak2 pasti buat aku tertolak dari comfort zone aku. sebab aku tidak mahu fossilized dalam belajar pasal hidup.

haha. merepek di hari sabtu bila banyak lagi kerja sedang menunggu. aku cuma berharap kita semua dapat memberi peluang kepada perkara-perkara yang jelik di mata kita; manatahu kebaikan akan tertunjuk dari nya. sama seperti sitem pendidikan negara kita. yang penting; kita sebagai 'pengguna', cuba mencari apa yang terbaik bagi kita.

my dear students; learning and knowledge are never easy--as all the other precious things that we have to struggle for.

tidak faham

Dulu, aku masuk bidang perguruan ni ada sebab juga. Well, sort of. Sebab tersebut ialah: aku mau tolong remaja-remaja yang menghadapi masalah macam aku hadapi masalah dulu. Sebab aku rasa, masa sekolah, aku kurang dapat pertolongan. Or so I thought.

I thought that I would be able to help them as I wanted to help the past version of me. I thought I would be able to do so because I thought I would understand them as I thought that the problematic students and I walk in the same shoes.
But all those thoughts: I thought wrong…

I once again confronted one of the problematic students in class today. Two actually. Two from different classes.

In one of the cases, I could clearly see how his face was full of anger towards one of the discipline teachers who had issued a warning letter to him. And the other one; he was cold; barely showing any emotion. He couldn’t care less. He simply said; “Aku nda mau belajar suda…Malas.”

Dalam kedua-dua perbualan itu, aku terdiam dan berfikir: sesungguhnya aku tiada sedikit pun kemampuan untuk memahami remaja-remaja ini.

Keluarga kau kacau bilau? –tidak.

Hari-hari kau tidak cukup duit ka?—tidak.

Apa yang kau cari?—enjoy la,cikgu!

Kau tidak mahu ubah nasib keluar kau?—mau. Tapi aku malas.

Kenapa malas belajar?—malas la cikgu.

Sampai bila mau begini?—ntah. Sampai besok.

Why they do what they do. Why they are angry. Why they are lost. What are they searching for—I have no idea. It was totally different from back then. It was totally different from my case when I was in school. I felt helpless for I feel that I could do nothing to help. I could not make them change their minds. I could not help them to understand the perspectives of the people (teachers) that are actually scared for them.

This is the new era; of course. Even though the age gap was only 9 years; I could not barely touch their minds nor their heart. How can I be sure of that? Because they always have something to say back to me. They were adamant to stay that way. They are sure that they are at the right side of the ‘line’. They are very self-righteous.

I asked them: do you understand how fucked up your life would be in the future if you keep being like this?

Their answer is: “yes. I know.”

“That is my point. You know. But you don’t understand!.. ‘cause if you do understand it like I understand it, damn it, you’ll be scared as shit!”
Ok. Not that harsh, though. I’m a bit softer now. Haha.

Kesian anak-anak ini. Ke mana lah arah mereka nanti…

kerepek kawin

i really dont want to blog about my wedding and preparations. but i really feel like 'talking' now. alone. talking out loud. put my thoughts 'on' something...

some things are settled, some still on hold. biasa aja. i can continue with checking on the test papers; i can continue with the drawing-commissions; i can continue that sketch; i can do that postponed-laundry; darn--best of all i can sleep. i can do loads of other stuffs. but sometimes, there'll come a point where your body just resists doing anything. your body tired. your emotions blurred. your thoughts tangled. too much in your head that you need something to clear it up.

and now is one of those 'sometimes'

no. drawing cant do it at the moment. neither can reading. let alone marking those papers. hah. so. blogging it is.

the long excuse-making:why-i-had-to-blog-away-my-life introduction...again..why o why do most 'amateur' bloggers like me had to have that feeling n that need to explain why we need to blog at times? shucks.

anyways.

was nodding n dozing off in meetings and classes (whilst checking exam papers and invigilating at the same time) the whole week. sleep-deprived yes. aihh. n now i just refuse to sleep coz i cant get enuf of this new-found song...its just haunts me so.

..about love.

u know that feel?--when; u know, before this, u thot that u know how it feels when u love someone. n suddenly--this new feeling--is sooo much better than that previous love-feeling; its better in ways u cant describe..n now; u cant even put it on words. u cant even brag about it on shout-outs on facebook even u want it so badly. even if u dont mind people will throw up when they read ur thoughts on this new feeling--u still cant put it out on words. even when u r willing to take that risk of being labeled cheesy. or mushy. just to announce how great u feel about this feeling...

but it's all in vain. coz u cant...ure unable..

all u know is it's weirdly calming. u dont have to fight a war for it; coz its there. No. it doesnt mean it's boring. it's even adventurous.it's always new. ..and..argh. fail for words again. thot of putting songs on a list--songs that can help me express my feelings now; but nah. not one song can hidsadsadas

im blabbing.

fine. im just happy that im marrying someone i love dearly.

that 'dearly' word--is used for lack of a better expression...

when i say i love this man; i love him. you don't know how glad i am that he is the guy...

i tried to explain this to him--and he simply said; "nah--im no special guy. it's u. it's the timing. you've gone through a lot--it matures u; n then i found u when u're already a great lady"

well, sort of that sentence. maybe i exaggerate a bit at the end. :) but still, im awed..

btw here;s a story. for the sake of killiing time.

an awesome-weird thing happen today.

i seldom listen to the radio; nor do i watch tv. so i barely know what's new n hot with the music scene nowadays...but i switched to radio mode this morning n 'accidentally' listened to a very gilak-hebat (for lack of a better word) song--i cant make out the words n thus later, i fail in my quest to find that song through google search..naik gila jugak trying coz i was really haunted by the song. suddenly, baru tadi, hati tergerak nak bukak justsuper..n there; written a name of a singer. i dont know why i searched it on youtube. chose a video n--well, well..watdayaknow...its that song ive been searching since morning.

lovely.. :)

oh i know. this feeling is--pabila drifting off to sleep di atas sebuah bukit, di bawah pohon rimbun, atas rumput hijau dikelilingi bauan kehijauan dan kesegaran udara..angin pelan tapi sejuk..rasa selamat dan tenang. sunyi yang tidak bingit.senyuman tipis yang terukir bukan sebab apa--tapi sebab gembira yg tenang...rasa syukur.

ia cuma rasa: OK. ya!! ia perasaan yg: OK!! itu saja.

O. K.

rasa yang seperti: "things gonna be alright; no matter how bad it gets--we'll b alright." iya..begitu...

eh. aku bukan penyajak. dan cinta ini tidak membuat aku menjadi penyajak. *refer to previous post*. aku org picisan saja.

*senyum tenang lagi*

rants on books

i always puzzled myself about why i dont buy books that often/easily.

i have always wanted to buy books on arts, drawings and handcrafts. But i never had the money and the guts to spend a handful of money on something i'm not sure of its importance. uuh. that made me sound like i dont care about art. i thought about buying art-reference books because art is important to me. it's just that i'm not sure that i cant continue on drawing without one.

okay. fine. we know i can. we know everybody can. but we also know that i can improve my skills with the help of [some] book(s). that's only logical. although that's the case, i cant help myself from hearing these whispers: "you wont go blank without a reference book in art--not like science or history or language" ..or... "come on..you can figure that out yourself" .. or .. "that amount is worth a few weeks of food on your table during school-hours ie canteen".

and i have to mention, i was reminded by a distant friend's blog last night about the book 'girl with the pearl earing'..i read the book in 2006 [it's really good] and then i watched the movie when i was in Welly [it's as good as the book]..and i just had to watched it again after reading my friend's post and i notice one dialog exchange that suits me pretty well now.

it goes a little something like this

'does the books show u what to paint?' Greet said.

Vermeer laughed. and then replied 'hm..it helps'

im no daughter of rich ppl (not even of considerably-rich ppl) to be able to stomach the thought of giving money for books that i can live without; though i am now with my own paychecks, the habit of refusing such purchase still lives inside me; so although i REALLY want an art book--or any book for that matter, i still feel this 'guilt' when i wanted to buy one*.

and so what happen to the importance of art? im in no state of privilege to be surrounded by hugely-talented family members, my siblings are but they're also amateurs like me and i am no close to libraries full of art-reference books--[only when i was in Welly],(not forgetting the scarcity of art-supplies here) but i still have the internet. and for that, I am so grateful. i stopped wanting to buy them books.

haih. waz and her indecision.

so i guess, for now, i will continue on hoping that one day i'll break that barrier between me and buying art-books.

as for fictional books. it's very difficult for me to find books that i really, really love. and i dont want to waste money on books that i'd read half way [coz i will only finish reading the books that i REALLY love ie thought intriguing, with light and understandable drama and conflict, a bit philosophical with a touch of romance, creative/weird/that X-factor, maybe a bit/a lot of depressing/simply sad things--depending on topic, a good cover, and at most times--must be in the first person view]..mmg susah!! huhu

but anyhows, i know fictional books are plenty in local libraries...(?)

urghh.

so, there. i only wanted to share on why i still dont even have a full shelf of books even though i love sitting in the middle of libraries/bookstores and feel just like how it'd be in my imaginary home.

reason lain: kedekut??

*bila dibesarkan dengan pemikiran yang duit itu sangat susah untuk datang, dan cuma boleh membelanjakannya pada benda yang 'penting' saja, memang susah untuk tidak mempunyai 'guilt' itu. sedangkan coklat pun aku takut mau beli..tapi bila fikir balik, banyak saja benda kureng 'penting' yang aku sudah 'wasted my money with'..(?) maybe because i wasted so much in the past that i am more afraid of purchasing these things now?... nta.

hina

"alaaa apa laaa cikgu ni...anak murid lagi pandai dari cikgunyaa"...

aku berdiri tegak di depan 4 orng anak2 itu. tangan memeluk tubuh, mata jatuh ke atas lantai--tembus ke bawah; merentasi segala-galanya. ke sebuah dunia lain--imaginasi. mengira2; mengagak2, macamana sebenarnya aku mau buat anak2 ini faham.

aku potong fikiran sendiri.

cepat2 aku tanya: " apa kelebihan yang kita dapat apabila kita di 'hina'..?"

sorang tertunduk. lagi tiga kerut2 dahi. seorang beranikan diri bukak mulut..sedikit hesitating. "manadaaa cikgu...manada kelebihan..buruk bah kena hina..kena hina kan, kena hina la.."

esih..kata ku..manada perkara yang tidak boleh di lihat dari lebih dari 1 perspektif...ada kelebihan yang kita dapat bila di hina...cuba la fikir sikit...

dahi masih lagi kerut2..

aku potong cerita ni--direct to my point; which was also my answer.

the answer is simple ja aku rasa. dihina ni boleh di lihat dari 2 lagi (daripada beribu2 yang lain) perspektif.

1) dihina itu macam tukul membenamkan paku. pangkalnya tertanam jauh kedalam kayu. anggap kita itu paku, hinaan itu tukul, dan ia sedang menukul paku ke dalam tanah...kaki kita terbenam ke tanah. bukankah itu akan membuatkan kita merendah diri. humble. bukankah itu mengingatkan kita kepada asalnya kita? tanah.

2) ingat tentang konsep kita sebagai hamba Tuhan. bila kita tadah tangan berdoa contohnya. Ada kita puji2 diri sendiri; cakap gah dan sombong sama Tuhan? tiada. kita merendah2kan diri. sebab kita sedar; kita makhluk ciptaan-Nya. dengan silap salah diri; kekurangan diri di atas kesempurnaan yang Dia cipta. Tapi dalam masa sama, Dia promote kecemerlangan dan kejayaan. 5 kali 1 hari Dia ingatkan. disini; kesimpulan yang aku boleh nampak ialah; kita musti sentiasa ingatkan diri bahawa kita di bawah, in order to force ourselves to strive to somewhere better (to the 'top')...hehehe

oh, aku tambah lagi satu. Orang2 yang hebat (genuinely HEBAT) selalunya orang2 yang merendah diri...dan tidak menghina orang lain. sebab, mak aku cakap; kalau orang yang sudah rasa diri nya hebat/cantik/semaaatt/best--akan berhenti berusaha..(sebab dia cakap; "aku tinggal menten jak ba ni") tapi orang yg sentiasa ingatkan diri nya boleh berusaha ke arah keadaan yang lebih baik--will do just that :>

argh. mungkin realitinya analogi ini tidak akan difahami. benci betul. aku tidak mampu buat anak2 faham. :|

sebab beberapa minit lepas aku terangkan itu, dua tiga sempat lagi terpekik2 dan buat lawak tidak best tp buat macam dia karakter best dalam cerita jepun/korea--nakal tapi kool..adeyhh...

waz pelupa

semenjak kemarin; aku hilang suara. mungkin sebab aku batuk dan selesma. juga stress dan penggunaan suara yang tidak afdal. mungkin juga ditambah dengan tabiat pemakanan dan peminuman yang tidak bernas.

"waz...waz..." kata *insert other people's name* sambil geleng kepala

frasa macam itu lah (dan gelengan macam itu jugak lah) yang aku asyik dengar beberapa bulan kebelakangan ni selepas hampir keseluruhan sekolah mula mengenal sikap/sifat sebenar waznah. yang buat mereka geleng kepala ada 1 paling utama: cikgu waz suka/selalu lupa.

sebenarnya: dari ingatan aku yang tidak seberapa ini, orang2 lain mengenal aku yang pelupa ini disebab kan oleh 3 kejadian kehilangan yang utama.

1. kejadian hilang kunci kereta di sekolah

2. kejadian hilang 28 buah buku latihan salah 1 kelas aku

3. kejadian hilang-----?---*refer back to opening line for this post

suara.

setiap kali ada insan yang bagi aku line : "apaaa lagi yang hilang, waz~~!!" atau "naaaa si waz niii--hilang apa lagi kauuu"... aku akan ketawa2 sikit dan beredar cepat2.

sesungguhnya, ada satu lagi benda yang slalu hilang dari aku yang orang tidak tahu pasal cikgu waz ni--dia selalu hilang keyakinan diri..selalu hilang rasa hormat diri...aku gelak, aku senyum2, belakang nanti aku nangis2. so silly; but it's what has developed for the past 25 years. im fragile. so setiap kali ada yang bagi aku line macam tadi, aku beredar cepat2 sebab aku tak mau ambil hati. aku tau semua tu gurauan dan usikan..ia bukan perkara besar...aku cepat2 buat diri bizi.

tapi kadang2 kelemahan iman dan kelemahan peribadi aku ni tercabar. macam mau buat public speaking untuk menerangkan bahawa:

ketiga2 kejadian yang disebut tadi bukannya salah aku sahaja. kejadian #1, ada insan lain mengambil kunci itu dan lupa untuk memulangkan pada aku. #2, budak2 kelas aku tidak mengkhabarkan pun bahawa mereka sudah meletakkan 28buah buku itu di luar bilik guru, di atas lantai, dengan tertera nama aku; hari jumaat hari tu aku stay back sampai petang and aku tidak melalui koridor itu lagi untuk melihat buku itu di situ..#3, sudah sakit, mau buat macamana? aku pun tidak tahu kenapa boleh sampai hilang suara. selalu ja aku makan macam2. selalu ja aku terpekik2. tapi ini sampai tak boleh keluar suara langsung tanpa sakit dan bunyi macam kucing sudah di hujung nyawa.

tambahan pula, aku rasa (correct me if im wrong) lupa ini bukan satu pilihan...i am not ignorant..aku cuba teliti dengan kerja aku. aku cuba tulis memo, bawak diary kemana2, letak calender, letak planner byk2 di sekeliling aku, tapi kadang2, aku hilang...

sesungguhnya aku sedih dan kecewa dengan diri sendiri. jadi bila orang lain mengusik dan bercanda dengan aku hal begitu, kekecewaan dan kesedihan aku itu akan bertambah2.

sungguh emo aku ini. hahahaha *beredar segera*

aku bukan lagi penyajak.

permulaan 2011 sudah semacam gila. tahun lepas, permulaan 2010 memang gila. gila menangis. gila sedih. gila bongok. syukur Alhamdulillah permulaan 2011 semacam gila juga--tapi gila gembira. walau kadang2 gila gembira nya boleh buat menangis juga.

a few weeks back, a distant friend updated his status based on the phrase by plato: "At the touch of love; everyone becomes a poet". maybe a few years back i'll agree to this...but now

I'd like to differ. my [personal ; that is] opinion is that it should goes something a little like this: at the touch of love; everyone should become more humble. it should add humility inside us.

it shouldnt be like drugs; making us soar up high and be able to jump over some moons in some other planets...makes us see only lovely things and forget the others. it shouldnt be like that.

u know y? coz its soo far from the truth. i've learned it the hard way.

just sharing--you know. love appears in a different form for me now; but it's lovely--in a different kind of way. and i'm glad for that...

and i hope; i'll find the true-esstt love of all for real one day...the one that awakens all souls with His hidayah. Oh only Allah knows how far am i from it. :(

too much of some things

1. too much of idle time

that's ridiculous. people will never have too much of idle time. it will never be enough; let alone be too much? but I think i cant stand idleness. it squeeze my sanity out of my system (if there's any). maybe that's why i half-consciously keep myself busy and a bit workaholic.

sebagai contohnya; at the moment i am at the office. i mean staffroom; in school. its midnite and we have this kem-kepimpinan..i finished my final commission (for the mean time) and i cant continue with my 'gubahan hantaran' diy at the moment due certain process. merepek jak aku ni..n i cant get myself to continue checking on students books (coz i'll totally black out at the second book) ..so i'm left with this situation where i dont have to do anything at the moment. which is a bit--weird.

n i think it's too much oredi. i know tht i hv too much idle time at the moment coz i found myself browsing through aussino's online catalog. and reminded myself of my time in welly. i bought linens (cheap ones) and changed the beddings once a month or every time i had too much of sadness

2. too much of work

dont get me wrong with number 1 [refer to above]. i am not workaholic. i am not addicted to the busy pills. coz i realized that i havent had the time to really relax and get enough sleep since the school re-opens. n i realized the most dangerous time for me now is driving. i often find myself unable to focus while driving..macam mengelamun tuh...sedar tgh drive, mata tgk depan, tapi tidak fokus. pelik ba tu. n i got butterflies in my stomach more often recently...n when i sleep late, i'll wake up early; no matter how sleepy i am...

n i'll stay awake; n be depressed if i cant get things right (no matter how simple the mistake is) or i have nothing to do...

things are weirder these days.

i hope im not losing it.