jealousy

Feels like writing about jealousy too. Read: Karyabator’s “jealousy” entry here.

And so the thing is… Mom made a good point yesterday noon about girls who always wanted the best. They’ll try to do better every time; and if they made a mistake, they’ll cry over it hard-core style (buried themselves a few feet down the earth) but they’ll always (iA) come up again.

But girls like these have strong jealousy feel inside them that seldom die out. It is, in fact, the thing that made them girls seemed perfectionist; when they aren’t, actually.

Jealousy is—as any other feeling—created by Allah. It has a name because we put it as such (even that is His work) and it is there because of reasons we know, we’ll know or may never know. And because of that I believe that it has its good and bad effects.

With this belief, I see that we need jealousy. I (saya, moi) need that jealousy feeling when I look at girls who are more successful in life, girls who know their stand under Allah’s sky, teachers who can touch students’ heart, people who have enormous control over their anger-management and well...you get the point. Because with this jealousy, I could create need(s) and a want(s)…to be better.

But then, what we do with that feeling of jealousy is what sets people apart—the wise and the child-like.

What would you do when you confront these:

• I opened an old acquaintance’s page on facebook and felt a big sigh urging to be released from within—thinking how I wish I could be as beautiful and as successful as she is. She seemed flawless. Her life seemed flawless.

• I saw some artworks done by a really successful artist and felt as if I wanted to hate my own hands and imagination by not being able to produce something as good as that. And I remembered some friends criticize my arts and blame my own ego for not drawing things according to what people in general might like.

• Some students in classes I sat in for relief, asked me where their teacher was and that they missed him/her. I wonder if my students miss me if I'm gone...
  

• I become friends with people I assumed to have gone through a good beginning and thus stands up today as a good muslimah and I feel the rush of hatred of how my life turned out to be.

• I saw some family portraits (smiley faces all around) and thought how complete my family would be if only---*sigh*
  

If you feel all these jealousy, then what you’d do?

At the end of the day, I feel exhausted of it. Jealousy is indeed such a burdening feeling.

I try to remind myself that He is all-fair and all-just. That somehow or rather, our calculation and prediction of what is fair or unfair might not be true after-all.

Focus.

Shut the views that might make me an ungrateful being. But at the same time I'll try to expand myself beyond what I think I am capable of. If I can achieve the achievements of those whom I envy; I'd be glad. Then I'll envy some other people who can create the the need to endlessly move. But if I don't, hurm I'll try to be glad still.

iA.

dalam kotak

susah bila kita mau luaskan imaginasi dan kretiviti minda kita apabila apa yang kita lihat cuma empat dinding, satu lantai dan satu siling.

susah bila aku harapkan ilham turun berguling-guling dari langit untuk membantu aku memenuhi kertas dengan seni (atas definisi sendiri) apabila yang aku lihat sehari-harian cuma kertas putih dengan hururf-huruf yang disusun.

susah bila aku tetapkan menegakkan tiang-tiang semangat dan kewarasan fikiran setiap hari bila setiap saat aku dedahkan tiang-tiang ini untuk diruntuhkan anasir luar.

susah kalau aku berkeras menginginkan orang lain untuk memahami sesuatu seperti mana aku memahami sesuatu itu, sedangkan aku tidak tahu bagaimana aku boleh memahami sesuatu itu; apatah lagi untuk tahu bagaimana untuk memahamkan orang lain tentang sesuatu itu.

--------------------------------

susah. jadi rekalah pintu dan tingkap; keluarlah dari empat dinding satu lantai satu siling.

susah. jadi kejarlah ilham kalau dia lari, ikutlah terbang kalau ilham bersayap, galilah tanah kalau ilham tertimbus dibawah, tangkaplah ilham bila dia di gapaian tangan.

susah. jadi kukuhlah tiang dengan niat yang betul dan lindungi dari anasir luar dengan kendiri dan kepercayaan kebal.

susah. jadi cubalah faham dari jalan yang lain.

Chaghu

Slow. Macam siput. Macam liat saja otak. Manja! Mengada! Banyak alasan! Lembik... Bikin Panas...

I need a push. I need to be pushed. I need to push myself.

I can be better than this.

tersirat

Aku baru siap buat script untuk Choral Speaking skolah aku.

I think, somehow or rather, my younger brother was right…looking back at this text, I think I might have gotten too carried away.

Ah. We’ll see what my boss would say tomorrow.

Been 30 minutes after that—I spend my time lurking the endless and winding path of the internet and its content. Found a few really interesting blogs and they got me a wee bit jealous that I feel this urge to make something. Produce something.

Last weekend I spent on the ‘leadership camp’ and Monday was a holiday but I really forgotten what I did the whole day but nothing—I produced nothing.

So, now? How about now?

I looked at my guitar and sigh. Mom will be mad at me if she hears me play that now.

I looked at my pens and clean (shucks) sketch papers and sigh again. Prompts can only go so far—when it comes to your creativity and imagination; if your head says “nothing’s inside here” no prompt can ever change that.

I looked at my blog…sigh…. Too much to share; too much to hide;

Cabaran utama dalam menulis blog (untuk sebuah blog yang 'public') ialah menggunakan taktik membuat isi nampak general tapi dalam masa yang sama sedang tackle isu yang personal (yang di buat menjadi sangat tersirat sampai orang mau fire aku pun aku peduli apa)...

Tapi taktik ini ambil masa. Perlu ilham bernas. *Hampeh. Macam la sebelum ini bernas tulisan aku. Blekh* Dan aku tiada kedua-dua itu buat masa ini. Kalau dulu, aku banyak sangat masa persendirian; yang mana kalau aku sia-siakan, aku cuma merugikan diri sendiri... Tapi sekarang, masa yang aku sia-siakan akan memberi kesan kepada orang lain...aduh.

Dan kalau tidak berkias tulisanku, habis aku macam meletakkan diri menjadi shooting target di tempat baru. Oh yea.

Ini pun, entry merepek sudah ambil masa tidur aku 1 setengah jam.

Sudahlah.

Oh. Oh. Here’s a picture.

Oh yeay. I updated my blog.

Dont touch that!

Today is the first day of our school’s Leadership Camp.

It’s been a while since I joined in activities such as this. And seriously, from this ‘perspective’ (a teacher’s), everything is a lot different compared to when I was in their shoes—the students.

I nearly cried; but I have to keep my face straight because I want to be strict with the students. I was amazed with myself because of that (nearly cried part). My heart is so much ‘softer’ [hihi] now compared to when I was a student; when my heart was as hard as stones.

‘Garam’ yang banyak sedikit sudah buat hati aku lembut barangkali…?

Dearests, if only you could see from my eyes, you’d see how much time you wasted, how many chances for success you’ve let go…And how much/many more that you will waste/let go if you don’t change…

Sebak dalam rasa marah…

I like to bring this one ‘falsampah’ to my students. Tentang memegang benda yang panas. Hot frying pan for example. When this person A touched the hot frying pan and screamed and told you that it was hot; and even showed to you that A’s hand was burnt because of touching the pan, do you still want to touch the pan to know that it is hot?

Falsampah decoded:
If millions of people keep on telling you the list of things that you’d regret if you do it, why would you still want to do it? And if this millions of people, tell it straight to your face that one of those things you’d regret is taking school lightly, would you believe them? If they say that you’ll miss out countless of possibilities for success through education by doing that, wouldn’t you believe them?

That aside, if this one person, who is standing right in front of you tells you that that pan is HOT (taking school matters lightly), why would you wana still go there and touch it (doing it by taking school lightly)?

Falsampah-falsampah aku mungkin cikai saja di pandangan orang. Tapi biar Tuhan saja tau, aku di sini bukan untuk apa pun; cuma sebab aku tau—ramai hati yang meronta-ronta cuba memahami dunia yang seperti telefon bimbit…semakin canggih, semakin senang untuk rosak—dan aku cuma mau membantu.

Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah aku jalanMu dan berikan aku pedoman; permudahkanlah urusanku untuk menyedarkan anak-anak muridku; bahawa mereka tidak perlu mengulangi kesilapan orang lain untuk mengetahui bahawa sesuatu itu adalah kesilapan…

Dan kebebasan tanpa batas itu adalah satu kecelakaan, bukan kelebihan…

macam gelang getah

Macam gelang getah;

Aku cuba renggangkan
sepanjang mana yang boleh
sebelum putus.

Imaginasiku,
sabarku,
kemampuanku,
pemikiranku,
usahaku.
Atau apapun--

Sampai satu masa nanti
aku boleh mengikat diri sendiri
dengan 'gelang getah' itu
kepada kepercayaan bahawa
"Aku boleh"
dan
"Aku mampu";
...jauh lebih daripada yang aku sendiri bisa sangka.

Dan di awal dan akhirnya
(seperti tangan yang merenggang)
ialah tangan kanan dan kiri yang menadah
di setiap hujung pengiraan detik.