waste

*description about how much radiohead is important to me has been deleted due to the consideration that it is a redundant topic*

i was boring this afternoon.and my mind's bit kong after a meeting with a friend.kerana ke-kong-an ini lah IDIOTEQUE kuar lagi..yeah!!!!!! this song, i tell you bzz bzzzz *deleted again due to redundancy*

geez.

i like wondering around searching for clips of people covering radiohead's songs.but this time, everything revolves around idioteque.
tade keje.
some covers by ppl yg dah experienced.like obadiah parker and levi weaver



and there's one cover using FL (fruity loops) studio.pretty awesome kan...


here's using a....aaa...whats this..a synth? a mixer? a watever..but i think its great..


here's a polyclip-style cover.just like Jack Conte but this is by overmindgui.its really nice.


here's a guitar only cover.n the player looks quite hot too.eheh.


aaaa....there's a lotttt more covers of this song...penat dengar sumenye..but my point is actually, if i am a great musician, or i am in a great band, or wat ever, i would like to cover this song.maybe one day.its a great song.ehek...one thing that i noticed, most of the people that sings this song on stage and have nothing to play (cam tak maen gitar ke ape2 ke) they will almost mimic Thom's usual body gestureswhen he sings this song..rase cam klaka....i promise if i am to sing this song, i would keep my hands on my back.yeah.
its nice to fantasize things that we wont able to do or wont be able to have or own or whatver..



hurm.i have more than 4000 audio files in my laptop, only 300 of them are by radiohead. but i still manage to always come back to them kan..i am really a boring person, arent i?? damn....

"Just follow the seasons and find the time, reach for the bright side"

Come home to me

When you smell the fresh cut grass, remember me
When the raindrops touch your skin, remember me
When the taste of chocolate and candy dies off in your mouth, remember me
When a song makes you stop and smile, remember me

Spring comes with Daffodils
Then remember me
Remember me

When you count numbers and change shirts of colors, remember me
When words form stories in books, remember me
When laughter’s no longer an effort, remember me
When you stand on sidewalks, remember me

Summer comes with hello and goodbyes
Then remember me
Remember me

When time stood still because of the silence, remember me
When doubts are definite, remember me
When a reason seems meaningless, remember me
When forever is not a promise, remember me

And wherever you stand
When you feel the wind blows through your face,
You know I will always remember you.
Then remember me
Remember me.

It is a long way; it is a long time,
But I learn this from you,
The only distant that matters is the memory
The only time that matters is the present.

So when you see everything and everyone else,
Feel every emotion,
Learn another thing or two about life,
Remember me remembering you.

And when you realize there is no other way but here,
Come home to me.

i thnki i want to spend the rest of my short life learning about how to really love someone when i dont love myself.

u wana know something stupid & pathetic?

i have this habit of wanting to write everything i think. no thats not the stupid part.the stupid part is, since i own a laptop, im too lazy to pick a pen and write on paper like i used too. no thats not the silly part neither. but u can thnk tht as one if u like.
well the pathetic part is that i googled this today
"i thnk im gona kil myself today"

ahah~hahahahah~~~ hahahah~~

so there's this link to a youtube tadaaaaaaaaa

well..its not an exact match.its "i think im going to kill myself TOMORROW"
but thats kinda okay.
so, i klik another link on the related viseodos at the side and found the trailer for this movie *which rite now i really have to watch coz im really a movie junkie who's actually finding some fucking things in this world which i can relate n feel some kind of cnfirmation tht im not alone tht some things do make sense adn at the same time i can procrastinate from doing anything else in this world n just forget the silly things i think, i did, i do, i say, i wana say, i wana ask, i wana love, the things that i actually love, the things that i think i have to figure out or the fact that i want to be someone else who doesnt think this much n just get on with life*
so here's the movie
The Royal Tenembaums


the trailer looks good.i think i love it already.maybe i dl it sometime later.or search it down at civic vdieo.wat ever.

btw i wont kill myself.not yet anyway.the last time i checked,i still doesnt hv the guts to really do it.maybe i'll chekc again later.

heh.

there's one time i googled:
"i think im dissapearing from my own life"
i miss spelld it.how stupid and pathetic can i be?

airbag

im sorry.i know radiohead's boring n all...but they're just the 'perfect drug' for me.just for the sake of procrastination, let me tell u abt airbag.
i love to draw.i love to write.
when i was in primary school,n the the sick make-believe 'artist' that i was, i hd to hv my own pen name for signature or something..but i hate my real name (it looks ugly for a signature) so i came up with lots of stupid names..believe me theyre stupid...everytime i draw/write, i'll have a new name for the signature.until one evening,i was drawing something under the stairs of my house (i love small n hidden places to do my stuffs) n OK computer was put on the radio by someone..n exactly the time i finished my work, airbag was played.and i just scribble airbag at the corner.i like the way it looks.so i keep the name til today.yey.i love the song btw.i think its the simplest song in OK comp.just a personal opinion.




i'd empty my pocket and put every money i hv in that black box if i was there.
not tht i have lots of money.just saying,u know.
its a really, really damn good cover.
just clears my mind off every shitty morning blues i hd just now.
i wish the audio recording is better.i wish i was there.

n for the shitty morning blues--
i woke up this morning feeling scared.not scared of monsters or ghosts, but feeling scared of life.i know ive been scared for lots of unreasonable things..but this is different.im scared n thats it.i didnt want to end anything, i didnt want to stop breathing. i didnt wish i was dead. im just scared n none other feelings whatsoever.okay, i did wish i was dead, but i dont want to stop, u know..i dont want to stop...i dont want to keep on going too u know..u know..u know..like u wana keep still..

aahh..why o why im trying hard to explain this.
i just wish i can explain myself better.

i dont want to be here,i dont want to be me.but i dont want to lose anything that i have right now...kan? kan?

can i just take u n run away?

hurm...i kill too much time.better get back to work.

apologies

sometimes i just forget myself.i forget.im sorry.

now is the time u know u need Idioteque.

amongst all the other songs by radiohead, this is the craziest i must say.it takes you to a place where no one goes.actually, it takes u to nowhere.u disappear.the beat,collin's synth,the noise from ed and jonny, thom's voice, and when phil's drum comes back in again near the end..it all just bursts to one stop. and you say:hello, world.

when u completely forget to remind urself abt something n then u remember--the thought coming back to u--it brings along other things that u forget, even the things that u purposely want to forget.the things u want to leave.the things u want to abandon.it all comes back to u in one whole package.

truck.

i was brought up in an environment that--i duno, makes me want to apologize for everything.i apologize almost all the time.seems like everything is my fault.maybe, just maybe, it started when my father left us.maybe.though i know its not my fault, but somehow, i found myself blaming myself for everything after he left.

what exactly happens after that? maybe its just me, but after he left,i feel there was a burden on my shoulder.my siblings kept on reminding me (directly or indirectly) that im the only hope of connecting everyone together (mom-me, abang amin- me, aman-me, ema----no one but maybe me too, indirectly.and none of them could actually go together without me inbetween) the only hope for somewhat keeping the family name able to earn a little *if any* respect from other people, the only hope for mom, the only hope for nice things to happen, the only hope not to fuck things up. and sadly, everytime i just feel that i really fuck everything up.and i keep feeling sorry for everyone in the family for being who i am--someone whom i think would never reach their expectations...or maybe, I AM the one who put those expectations on myself.maybe.if its true, then i apologize to myself too..hmmm im going on incircles...

and today, i find myself apologizing for everything else too.even when im angry at other people for something i think is totally their fault, i will eventually feel sorry n if i have the guts or the chance, i will apologize to them.
sometimes, i apologize even for the things that have nothing to do with me.im sorry if i annoyed anyone by doing that--
hm..another apology..

hmm..whats my point of this entry again? i forget...aaahmm...hmm..yeah..no point actually. just to share things maybe.as always.babbling about things.throw the thoughts out from my head into the limitless space of the world wide web.and let it swim.

i hate being alone.but i know im not alone.so i hate thinking that im alone.and knowing that im wrong to think that im alone.and then i hate that i hate being alone coz the fact is everyone is alone in this world.but we're never alone coz we have God with us all the time, everywhere, anywhere. so i know that im wrong if i think im alone.and we're not alone , we're never alone coz everyone is connected somehow. so i hate to hate that i hate being alone coz we're not alone when i feel we're alone but we're not alone anyway.so screw loneliness.

what the heck...lighten up, waznah.

you know..at times...im just sorry for being who i am but i know i dont want to be anyone else but me.

owh the artwork.nope.i havent done anything with it.yet.so..maybe after im done with reflecting on apologies and loneliness and what ive done, what i havent done, what im suppose to be doing, what im suppose to have done, what i should be doing and what i shouldnt be doing, and everything else in this world,maybe after that i can start on actually doing something.


yeah.

i (really) can float here forever

yeah....

ehehe...

ehehehe....

anyway.beberapa ari ni aku tak produktif gile2.satu artwork tak siap2 lagi.n hemohemo mentioned something abt writing n i just remembered that i havent been writing in my journal for a longgggg time...

maybe life's just arent inspiring enough for words n ideas? really? or is life just too inspiring that i cant put down the feeling on paper with words or any images with color n pens to describe how wonderful life is rite now? ehehee....or maybe..ahhh itu suma alasan...aku cuma malas je... ehe

yeah...
hehehehehhehehehehe

think i should b probably start rite away on that artwork.or maybe i can start tumoro.first thing when i wake up.promise.

so.. "u jump, i jump, jack"... hahahha

pelik kan dunia.heh tataw ape yang ade kat depan...tapi tu a..klu takut nak ke depan, sampai bila2 kat situ..takpe a..jalan je a...jalan terus! nanti jatuh ke, begolek ke, ade gaung ke ape ke, biar a dulu kan..bila dah jatuh, bangun.begolek, sambung guling2 je.ade gaung, pikir a nanti camne..buat mase nie, kite jalan terus a kan...yeah..heh

I'm his Brandy Alexander
Always get him into trouble
I hide that I'm flattered
Brandy Alexander
-song by Feist.

XD



my migraine pills..dah abis...but i think i wont buy any of those lagi ah..

ha.dah malas nak tdow ni, biar aku merepek pasal satu lagu nieh.there's this song.this haunted song..Angel by Sarah McLachlan.lagu nie, goes back years n years ago kan...i once loved this song so much, i had to listen it everytime i shower.the extra pathetic loser i was, i liked to listen to this song when i had the self-pity mode. the words just hits me...most part..not all.bace a lirik nye ngan sepenoh hati..

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

faham x, dunia, ttg kesunyian aku mase tu? rase tak? do u feel it? the aching feel of emptiness. the lack of sense of belonging. the anger n frustration n confusion. do u feel it? ofcourse u do..coz u ve been there rite.yeah... opening lagu ni pun aku dah rase..ish...tsk2...haunted sial. anyway. lepas sume negative association aku buat ngan lagu nie, aku dah penat ngan die.sbb at one point, lagu ni lekat gile mase one of my silly phases with sai, n kesedihan lagu ni bertambah2 mase tu..so i stopped listening to it. skit pun aku tak nak dgr.dgr je, sakit...skit je, sakit...

but today, zura played a live version that she did with josh groban.n the spell broke.i got on youtube n search for another live version of it.n yeah..kompom...tade perasaan dah..

some part of me actually, is a bit dissapointed. this song is not for smiley faces, i thot...but she sang it with all that lovely n happy face..damn it doesnt come out right..the song's so depressing. how can she mean what she sang n be as happy as that??? so does that mean she doesnt mean it when she sang it? or i just take it too seriously??..eheh but part of me is glad for seeing this live version. n now i can stop hating the song. im neutral now.ahahaha

learning about life is so much better now that ure around.

hm.

i can float here forever

i saw a shooting star thursday night.
and recently my prayers have a new name included...



MAAF KAN SAYA,DUNIAAAA!!!!





i promise i'll b better~

exit

exit by ~sipemalas on deviantART

u can be the most rational person around
u can be the most happy fortunate lucky bitch can ever live

but at times...
u know..
sometimes...
u found urself inside a tiny room
u cant think
u dont think
or r u thinking?
ure thinking too much too fast
there's a sudden rush of every emotion u can feel
changing fast
as if so many people are yelling at u
but u know these voices r just urs

u need someone.but then u dont.u dont need to need.
then anger.
then self pity.
then anger.
then loneliness.
then anger.anger.anger
ur angry at urself.

shake the thoughts off.
u need to hit something
so hit things
u throw things
u walk around
u need to find something
so u search all over
for anything to search for
u just realize that uve been talking to urself all the time ur searching

n so i found wat i look for
tho its not
its not
u dont think
u just
do it

n then u curl up on bed n hope u can b the smallest thing
n vanish
u wish u could dissappear

ure chicken shit.
n then anger.

n then u sleep.
wake up.
it all seems like a dream.

optimistic & bright people, dont read this.

im gona drown myself in self-pity..you got a problem with that?

i wana live in a small place...a really small place.. just enough for my stuffs n some other stuffs..no large space..maybe just a big table, a big sofa n the rest can be as small as they can be.a good view is what matters.

i dont want any tv. n the place should b sound-proof.no sound should escape the place.no fire alarms.no smoke detector.a good sound system is a must.a light that can change color n brightness.a refrigerator that will make so much sound that i wouldnt feel too lonely at night.no bed.just mattress coz i dont want any monster living under my bed.no closet to0 then.my clothes should b just tshirts of different colors n a couple of jeans n cargos so i wouldnt need any closet.for my feet,a high cut convers can do.just one shoe at a time.n a cheap sandals.

formal dresses.i wont need them.coz i wont b working as a teacher in this fantasy.o yeah. this is only a fantasy.did i forget to mention that?anyway,no phones.no cellphone.no Internet.just laptop(s).a couple of guitars.some books n dvds.no...exclude the dvds.but there's payphones near.

o yep.dont forget the balcony.i need a balcony.for sunsets.no sunrise please.maybe in the middle of a quiet city like wellington.wait.hm.yeah.in the city.so that i could hear ppl passing by all the time.but not a hectic city tho.
like welly..i can alwwaays go n watch the sea, beautiful parks, lots of green leaves, fresh air, flowers.always summer.some rainy days.but no wind.i mean, none of that 180kmph wind.i can go to places with lots of people just for the hell of it.but ppl wont notice me.so there's no need for conversations.no small talks.no feelings.no nothing.no one knows me.just people passing by.while i watch the kids run around, i can have my pathetic self-pitying mode until they all go back home, hoping i have my own kids.but i cant coz my life isnt conducive enough to raise children.n i dont have a husband.

the food supplies.i want lots of instant noodles.no knives would b necessary.no pills.no medicines.no ropes.lots of chocolates.no point to cook.i'll eat out most of the time.or eat in with fast foods.

owh..owh..i forgot about mom.she's in a mansion.i bought her one.she's living with bangmin and aman n ema and their families.they're really happy now so i wont have to worry a bit about them.dad's dead by then.so i wont have to worry bout him too.but im not angry with him anymore.

the toilet will be all black.a bathtub is essential.a huge mirror so i can have a look at myself everyday n be reminded of how awful i am.inside n out.not ugly.but awful.inside n out.

aahhh yes...i need a cat.male.big.furry.a lazy but clever cat.he can hunt his own food but always comes back to me.yes his name will stll be Ladida.what a sissy name for a male cat.pussy.what a pussy puss.ahaha.he has gray,black n white fur.long tail n really clear gray eyes.smokey eyes.

i can sit out on my balcony at night.no.i need a rooftop too.where i can have another portable mattress there n blankets n pillows so i can lay down on clear nights where lots of stars will come out.

where wil the money come from...let me think...hm..owh,im a really famous artist.i sell my art.big money.also a poet.my poems will b studied by phD students in uni's.i have some books re-printed several times.novels.short stories.n i was in a really great band.we tour with radiohead a couple of times.but i left after my second successful record with the band.for the reason of--"im searching for blind-spots.my blindspots".whatever that means.

im always 21 in that fantasy.eheh.i'll b dead by 21 n i was born 21.eukh.scary.

ofkos..in this fantasy,i have no one but myself.
that means i wont touch therefore wont ruin anyone's life.

what a sad, sad, sad and beautiful life...

like i said, im drowning myself in selfpity,
u got a problem with that?
fakofendai.

im such a cool rock star

look at the bright side..look at the bright side.. i hate looking at the bright side! its too bright!!!

waaaaa

this is not frustration.im not frustrated. frustration ialah berbaris di satu barisan yang panjang untuk mengambil lauk di dewan makan untuk makan tengah hari selepas seharian di sekolah dan harus berkejaran sebelum kelas prep bermula jadi kena makan cepat tetapi bila duduk, menyedari bahwa tidak ada ayam pun di dalam lauk ayam masak kari tetapi halia dan kentang semata2...dan bila kembali meminta, sudah habis pun lauk tersebut...YAAA itu adalah frustration!!!

there's ALIN test, less thn 2 hours from now. i'd b lying if i said ive crakced my head open studying for this test coz im such a study-smart person..i dont need crack i mean i dont need to study hard..~~~~~ but u can give me credit for still taking this test despite the fever n the headaches n plus i only sleep for 3 hours last night..yeay...am i cool or what~?! yeayyyy

i know this one song by the pixies "where is my mind" when Placebo cover them in their soulmates never die tour dvd...n then its used for the closing credit in the movie Fight Club (kalau blom tgk, tgk la..plz..plz?..best sesangat..klu ble amek gak soundtrack die..download mane2...) which i just recently watched... :| but its great to hear it again n again during times like this, coz it makes u really re-think, u know~ where is my mind??

where is my mind by the pixies


liriknye:

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind [3x]

Way out in the water
See it swimmin'

I was swimmin' in the Caribbean
Animals were hiding behind the rocks
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin' to talk to me, coy koi.

Where is my mind [3x]

besttt kannn lagu nieeh????

when there's too much irrelevant n irrational thoughts in your head, sing this song..hopefully u will feel a lot more worse...n we all can run around kresili like there's nothing else matters...

i dont care what the actual message of the song but i interpret it into: "ure such a pathetic loser who thinks too much n always have something to whine about n u will ruin everything if u dont stop being a pathetic loser who thinks too much n always whine..so shake the thoughts off...n lighten up, squirt~!!!!"

thank you..
maybe im just nervous for the test..ironically ive spent more than 30 minutes typing meaningless rantings here...instead of reviewing my notes again and again like other dedicated students would do ...

or maybe..otromen punyeeeeee lampuuuu dah blinkkkinggg~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

semua itu alasan