mencari di SMK Belakang Rumah

Seminggu. Usia aku jadi cikgu di Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Belakang Rumah; enam hari, to be exact. Perasaan aku? Memang best. Aku bersyukur akhirnya aku nampak reality kehidupan, biarpun baru sipi-sipi (meaning: aku baru nampak the introduction part of it).

Dalam ‘introduction’ part ni, yang aku boleh analisis ialah perangai kebanyakkan cikgu dan reaksi diorang terhadap cikgu baru (apatah lagi cikgu dengan first-posting). Ada yang supportive, ada yang defensive, ada yang tunjuk kakak/abang, ada yang tunjuk otai, ada yang tunjuk tak nampak, ada yang tunjuk gigi saja.

Gambar sekadar hiasan

Tapi sekolah ini secara umumnya ialah sebuah sekolah yang ‘selamba’. Atau term local-nya: sekolah lek-lek-tenang. Aman permai dalam ia tetap mempunyai cirri-ciri sebuah sekolah yang menempatkan para anak remaja yang secara azalinya ada darah panas lagi.

Aman permai ni maksudku tiada kucar kacir yang teruk antara pelajar dan guru. Pelajar secara umumnya masih mempunyai hormat yang tinggi terhadap guru-guru. Aman permai juga maksudku, semasa aku berjalan masuk ke perkarangan sekolah, aku tidak merasa ada efek dua magnet (besi lekat) bila ditemukan dua kutub yang sama. Tidak seperti masa aku di sekolah praktikal ku di KL.

Tapi, ya seperti yang aku katakan, anak remaja secara azalinya punya darah panas. Masih mau ‘main-main’ dan masih rasa tiada hala tuju dalma hidup, masih mau buat maslaah disiplin yang kadang-kadang aku sendiri pun tidak faham. Tambahan pula kebanyakkan pelajar di sini datang dari economy background yang rendah dan dari kawasan perumahan yang sedikit bermasalah.

Ah. Aku pilih sekolah menengah itu hari pun sebab aku sudah fikir aku mahu jumpa dengan perangai macam ini. Kalau aku mahu yang kurang simpang siur adolescence dan cuma ada nakal naïve dan nakal comel, sepatutnya aku sudah pergi sekolah rendah. Tapi tidak. Memang aku mencari budak yang bermasalah. Dan iya, aku dapat apa yang aku cari. Sekarang, sudah aku jumpa, apa pula yang aku mau buat?! *berfikir panjang*

Gambar sekadar hiasan

Untuk rakan cikgu baru yang membaca ini entry aku cuma mau cakap: apa yang kau cari menentukan apa yang kau nampak dan tidak nampak. Kalau kau cari pembangunan dan kemewahan dan kebahagiaan dan keseronokkan hujung minggu dan peneman yang sentiasa memahami sunyi atau keringnya kau, kau rasalah ada atau tiada semua itu.

Kalau kau cari kebiasaan dan fasiliti yang boleh menggendong kebiasaan mu, kau rasalah susah senang kalau tiada fasiliti yang bisa menggendong. Tapi kalau kau cari anak-anak yang dahagakan ilmu dalam mereka sendiri pun tidak menyedari betapa dahaga-ilmu-nya mereka; mungkin kau nampak terus.

Apa pun, I am expecting more (mentally + emotional + physical-strength) draining experience the coming days, weeks, months and years of being a teacher. But I am not sure if I am any near well-prepared. Huh. Yeah at least I am trying to be prepared with this life jacket and this parachute, these couple of coins in my pocket and this not-so-hard head and this kinda-big heart of mine. This airbag (which I don't literally have).

Ps. Aku tidak upload entry ni dekat SMTM sebab aku rasa ini terlalu personal untuk represent sebuah group dan ia terlalu bertapis-tapis dan kosong tanpa apa fakta.

words that change their meanings with age

When you come in a new phase of your life, most of the things you thought you knew, takes on a new meaning.

For example: ‘mom’ means ‘almost everything’ when you were too little and then it changes to ‘a friend in need almost every time’ when you enter adolescence stage and then it changes again to ‘oh-the-person-who-I-wished-I-listened-to-much-much-earlier’ when you enter adulthood.

I’d like to quote this few lines from the movie Jarhead:

Swoff: So, now my hands were dick skinners, a flashlight was a moonbeam. A pen was an ink stick. My mouth was a cum receptacle. A bed was a rack. A wall was a bulkhead. A shirt was a blouse. A tie was still a tie and a belt a belt. But many other things would never be the same.

No. They wouldn’t.

One of my fave scene

It’s been three days now; I am (still freshly) in a new phase. It’s the phase of life in which we’ll definitely be tempted to dread everything that we just didn’t do when we’re younger that could’ve make a difference—the adult phase of making money with your own sweat. And it’s true. Everything suddenly takes on different meaning all together.

Other examples are:
Exhaustion=cheerfulness, hard-work=warmth, mornings and nights, weekdays and weekends (some don’t even have weekends in their dictionary anymore. Oh, me?), coming home=my own house not any hostels or rents, car and public transportation, eating and food=what now (?), internet and facebook and blogs and sites, bitch and bitches and bitching and bitcher, rest=not a choice but a need (bak kata Clyde), phones, happiness, excuses, bersyukur and many more words/phrases…

Most importantly, the word ‘school’ itself has a totally new meaning now. Its elaboration expands to a much wider scope of relating to the more positive sides now that I am here. I feel blessed. I hope things will stay this way as long as possible…

Even love and a lover take on new meaning. They mean so much more now…a lover can give you so much strength even in absence and ‘love’ never seem this calm…and calming…

Oh, aku tidak edit ini gambar. Cameraphone rosak masa ni.

Roommate=mom (?)
Hehehehehe

clumsiness. oh what a way to learn.

Image taken from the cerebral mum

I knew about my postings yesterday (Friday) and it’s SMK-Belakang-Rumah. No more information about that for the time being.

But the placement news took another half of my spirit away. No more flying. No more 3-5 hours of traveling. No more distance. In this term/situation; distance is definitely a friend (or so I thought). Since I was 12, I believed that I needed to get out of this place. I needed to get as far as I can. And so since then, my path had (as I wished it to be) brought me far away from home.

But that was before… I realized how ungrateful I was (thank you Clyde; though I’d prefer a subtler way..haha) The past is the past and what happened then shouldn’t make me want to run anymore. Because I am 24 and I should be mature enough to understand that life....—is life.

I texted a few close friends the day I knew about the news. Most replied with sweet encouragements and consolations and advices. There’s one in particular that I’d like to share:

I had been away from home since 12. Em, sekarang sama-sama la kita duduk rumah. Nanti dah ada family sendiri entah merantua ke mana pulak kan. Ambil peluang dekatkan yang jauh, eratkan yang dekat. And whenever you feel down, just remember… Syurga di telapak kaki ibu dan apakah yang lebih indah selain menatap syurga saban hari?

So today, I woke up with a lighter face.

I realized; I was so used to starting up new in new places (while making home a transition place) that I forget how to ‘settle in’ at my own place. I realized, oh, my things are still in boxes and bags; I don’t have a real room for myself…not even a cupboard? A table? Haha (Don’t get me wrong. It’s fabulous in this house… it’s just that, I’ve been away for too long…?)

And after lunch, I settle in on my usual place (on the bed) surf the internet, planned to finish the two artworks today and update SMTM. (I didn't get to do any of this in the end). I checked my email and only realized that it’s Saturday already because I received Illustration Friday’s new prompt: “Clumsy”.

Then I heard a sound of a van stopping in front of my house and I heard my brother’s name called. I knew it right away that it was the Pos Laju boy bringing his new Midi Controller that he bought off the internet. He hasn’t realized it yet; so I planned to tell him the big news—quickly!!

I got up (standing on my bed) and tried to jump with all my might. My foot was stuck to the wires and cables from my laptop. But I didn’t fell. Yet. So I tried to just continue walking (from my bed to the floor) again (was so excited to see my brother’s face with the new controller) and then it happened.

I really don’t understand. No, really. It happened so fast that I can’t recall correctly how it really happened. Because the time gap between the first incident “tersadung kaki dengan wayar-wayar” and with the time IT happened was just a few seconds.

I remembered trying to say something about the wires when my body loses its balance and my head go straight to the sharp edge of the bedroom wall.

Oh what a way to be ‘clumsy’. Ouch.

Image taken from papahood

I bruised my forehead badly. 3 inches of long benjol. Lebar 1 inch. The bump rose up as high as 1 and half inch. (haha macam cakap pasal apa saja). I took a picture send it to Clyde and he replied

“Ya Allah bella. Ngko apain bella. Kok Benjol macam Shin Chan. Teruk tol. B tuam k. Aih, napa la ‘clumsy’ sgt bb saya ni.xpe. japg saya sampai umah…bla (rest is omitted)”

Why are you so far away? In THIS sense, distance is a bitch (Nabila, 2010).

Image taken from raisedinabarnes

Now it looks like a mixture of purple and red (like a song). And it still hurt even when I move my eyebrows. I thought about uploading the picture as an entry for iF prompt ‘clumsy’ but no photography is allowed. Hehe.

What relates both incident (me, placed in near-by school and me, bruising my own head)? Dear me, you’re not as mature as you think you are. No. Not even close.

Oh. What a way to learn.

I think it's not a coincidence that when I googled 'bruise'+'lump'+'head' most images are of kids having their heads bruised like mine. *Raise eyebrows, trying on the 'you know' look*

Ouch!


So much for "Keras Kepala la kamu ni"?

Today, you make me appreciate a little bit more of all the little things that I have...

Maybe I read into things too deep? Maybe I know too much?
But no. I wont let you hurt me or my happiness this time. Not anymore.

Today, you make me appreciate a little bit more of all the little things that I have...

My 'sail to the moon'

Kekalahan.

Aku tidak mahu..eh jap jap. Tahap cikai English aku sudah macam longkang, please aku mahu practice. Itu point sebenar aku bukak blog ini pun.

Failure

The truth is, everyone could be given all the clichés in the world about overcoming ‘failure’. But once we’re on the spotlight of failure circus-team, we went blank. Total darkness. And then when you reached out for help, those who you didn’t expect to be there were there; while those who you expected, weren’t.

Expectation

Oh I went over and over again about expectations in my past entries. So maybe I should simplify this: "though we somewhat can’t really escape and be expectation-free; I have to admit, IT SUCKS. To have expectations sucks!" You happy now, Mai? Hehe jk..jk..

“We are accidents waiting to happen.”

Accidents:

1. an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss; casualty; mishap
2. any event that happens unexpectedly, without a deliberate plan or cause
3. chance; fortune; luck

It's a line from a Radiohead song, btw. Look at that definition...ain't it a contradiction?

Let me tell you a few things about Radiohead. Not their fun-facts though. If you want that, you can google. Just a short note about them from my personal view.

pic taken from Musicology

Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed to promote this band to my friends—saying that it is my favourite band and that I love them a bit too much for a bunch of (awesome) people who don’t even know me. Ashamed because my friends usually would laugh at me and said: these are your suicide songs or are they only your lullabies?

But I really don’t care. Everyone’s entitled for their own opinion, including their choice of music.
That aside; I love their music. I love how emotions are carried by their song in ways that I couldn’t sense from most music brought out by other bands.

I couldn’t explain how theirs are really special. I could understand why other people would criticize them. But at times like these; their sound are one of the little things that can help me get distracted from my internal flash card thoughts that can drag me down.

“We tried but there’s nothing we can do…” (A bit consolation there?)

“Over my dead body”.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I listen to a whole of other lists of bands from different genres. And yes I do have the don’t-listen-lists. It’s just that, no bands/artist has yet to overtake them from #1.

Pablo Honey: The least listened (by me) of all their albums. I know; it's my lost.



The Bends and OK Computer are the first two records I ever loved. But since they came out with Hail, I kind of left these out.

Kid A and Amnesiac; when they came out with these two albums I thought they're going to die. They made them records while they were away from each other. Kid A is probably my younger brother's favourite. Probably my second/ third. It can change places with In Rainbows.

Yes. My number 1. Hail to the Thief. Oh "Wolf at the Door"! And "Go to Sleep"?...perghhh..."A Punchup at the Wedding". "2+2=5". "Where I End and You Begin". And of course not forgetting "There There". Ala...Basically every song in the album will do. Any song from the band, hell yeah!!

In Rainbows. The 7th LP.
++all the b-sides...++all the bootlegs...++all the left-out songs...++all the side/solo projects

I would like to babble more about 'em. But nevermind. Eh, by the by...while writing this, I also felt like... It's dejavu?

Follow the white rabbit----->Austin Brock

"You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking..."

And no; I don't think Radiohead songs are all about negativity and giving up and seeing things hopelessly. They are exactly the opposite (especially starting from Hail).

Hurting and being hurt.

different shades of gray by *ravencolours on deviantART

The big world is a time when everyone is to be blamed when everyone is actually innocent and pure. When even time is in 20 different shades of gray. Even more so—humans.

It’s tiring to see every shade that we are in.


Different Shades by ~avatarlover13 on deviantART

When one person feels the agony of being hurt; in the same time that same person is also hurting. When one soul is wrong to do this one thing, s/he is also right to do that same thing from a different view.


Different Shades of Gray by ~Basmatic on deviantART

When black and white were blended in millions of different ways, can you see clearly—all the different shades. Can you differentiate which one is which; can you see?

You were there. Blank faced. And you can’t see.

oh tiada lagu malam ini.

Aku tidak mahu random. Tapi aku seryes perlukan sesuatu untuk mengelakkan diri sendiri daripada meleleh lagi. Tidak sesuai di waktu sebegini.

Mari bagi aku satu topik.

Bintang.

Okay. Mari aku bicara pasal bintang. Aku rasa bintang cantik. Aku suka tengok bintang. Sama macam kebanyakan orang la aku rasa.

Aku ingat Kartika maksud bintang. ;)

Yang aku tahu lagi, bintang yang banyak-banyak itu lagi visible di tempat yang kurang ‘bintang darat’. Lagi kurang 'bintang darat', lagi banyak bintang angkasa.

Aku gembira ditempat kan di satu bandar yang tidak la sebesar metropolitan Kuala Lumpur. Dan disebabkan itu, aku membesar dengan view bintang-bintang yang banyak.

Dulu aku ingat, masa cinta kanak-kanak, aku selalu bergayut sambil tengok bintang. Sekarang cinta dewasa, mana ada bergayut. (silakan gelak?)

Baring dengan udara malam yang sejuk sambil pandang langit bintang macam-maca

Shit. Sekejap. Aku tidak mahu teruskan. Ini seperti dejavu. Aku pernah bicara pasal bintang di blog lama aku.

Tukar topic.

Emm, topik: …

....
topi....k

haih.

Sesungguhnya di kala ini aku buntu. Menarik bukan fakta itu. Masa kepala penuh dengan perkara berserabut lah juga masa kita buntu di mulut; tidak mampu untuk menzahirkan apa yang kita fikir.

Sebab rasa yang banyak di hati, fikir banyak di minda, buat kita bisu di mulut. Masa macam ini lah aku rasa, ‘kawan’ itu perlu. Tidak kira lah dalam bentuk apa atau atas nama apa sekali pun.

Tapi aku pandang kiri; tiada. Aku pandang kanan; tiada. Aku pandang depan; tiada. *aku tidak mahu pandang belakang*

Kosong.

Kentut

Pic taken from Wikimedia commons

Memercayai seseorang itu ialah seperti tinggal bersama orang yang selalu kentut di tempat berdekatan anda terutamanya di depan muka anda.

Beginilah.
Setelah mendengar rakan-rakan perempuanku bertelagah dengan emosi sendiri aku terpanggil untuk memberitahu penemuan ku ini.

Kentut.

Secara amnya, satu pengetahuan general bahawa kentut itu berbau busuk. Betul? Dan kerana pengetahuan general ini, semua cuba untuk tidak kentut di hadapan manusia lain apatah lagi di khalayak ramai. Kalau terkentut pun, pura-pura kata “eih, busuk!! Sapa kentut ni?!”

Bayangkan ada suatu makhluk yang suka kentut tanpa segan silu sewaktu bersama anda.

1. Makhluk ini sudah terlalu dekat/selesa dengan anda sehingga segan yang pada awalnya sepatutnya ada, sudah tidak ada (which is a good thing, I guess? To a certain extent.)
2. Makhluk tersebut kentut di hadapan anda (kononnya untuk membuat anda gelak) sambil membuat gaya menembak pistol dengan tangan. Atau menyuruh anda memicit jari kelingkingnya supaya dia kentut. Atau apa-apa gaya yang anda anda akan dapat lihat sebagai pattern of habit.

Oleh kerana pattern itu boleh kita jangka, kita boleh sentiasa berhati-hati apabila kita lihat makhluk ini hendak membuat gaya tembak, atau menyuruh kita memicit jarinya (contoh). Kita cepat-cepat lari. Kata tidak mahu layan lawak bodoh itu.

Tapi sampai bila? Penat kita hendak lari. Dan kadang-kadang, lari pun tidak guna sebab bau kentut itu mungkin sampai juga kepada kita.

Tapi cuba kita fikir kembali. Kenapa kita lari? Kerana kita fikir kentut makhluk itu maha busuk setiap kali. Tapi sebenarnya?

Ia satu fakta bahawa orang yang selalu kentut dengan hebat, kentutnya tidak lah berbau busuk (fakta ini, aku yang buat-buat). Kadang-kadang saja busuk teramat. Kadang-kadang macma angin sepoi dekat laut saja. Tiada bau. Sedangkan angin laut bau lagi masin.

Jadi akhirnya kita belajar bahawa, kita tidak perlu lari setiap kali makhluk kentut. Bahkan kadang-kadang kita join in sekali buat gaya tembak; tapi kita tidak kentut. Of course. Kadang-kadang layan saja picit jari makhluk. Lepas itu buat muka menyampah. Tapi sebenarnya hendak gelak.

Pic taken from strollerderby

Sesungguhnya, memercayai lelaki adalah seperti tinggal bersama makhluk seperti ini.
Kita boleh sentiasa lari (merasa sangsi dan takut kerana susah untuk memercayai lelaki) tapi sampai bila? Aku ialah seorang perempuan (hebat) yang susah hendak percaya dengan lelaki secara amnya dan lelakiku secara khususnya.

Susah kerana bak kata rakan ku—percaya itu adalah seperti mendedahkan diri pada bahaya dilukai. ie Dalam fenomena kentut pula: kekal bersama orang yang selalu kentut adalah seperti mendedahkan diri pada kemungkinan kentut busuk yang terkeluar.

Aku tak mahu menipu di sini. Setelah memutuskan untuk tinggal bersama makhluk-suka-kentut dan tidak lagi lari-lari (ie; memutuskan untuk memercayai lelaki), sekali sekala, OF COURSE kentut makhluk itu akan busuk. (ie, of course kadang-kadang kita akan terluka setelah memercayai lelaki). Tapi adakah worth it untuk selalu lari biarpun pada waktu kentut makhluk tidak busuk?

Penat, aku bagitau kau. Penat. Penat untuk tidak percaya.

Untuk itu, kalau sudah ‘yakin’, tinggallah bersama makhluk-suka-kentut. Dan kalau dia suka-suki kentut-kentut dengan gaya yang bermacam-macam, layan lah kadang-kadang, marah lah kadang-kadang, nasihat elok-elok lah kadang-kadang etc etc.

Kalau pula terbusuk maha busuk sekali sekala tu, marahlah dengan hebatnya. Nasihat lah dengan hebatnya—sambil kibas-kibas kan angin supaya busuk itu hilang. Tidak perlu lari…

i.e (id est)………………….? (tolong interpret sendiri, aku nak cek pemahaman kau-orang)
..hm. Ha. Boleh la tu. Betul. Betul.

Lari cuma bila makhluk itu sudah terlalu tidak menghargai kita (well, that’s another story).

Dan bagi makhluk yang suka kentut ie lelaki—please la, pastikan kalau nak kentut busuk, larilah jauh-jauh, the shooting pose is not funny when it stinks ie: kalau lelaki sudah tau akan menyakitkan kita, pergilah jauh-jauh. Buang masalah itu. Selesaikan konflik itu. Kemudian datang balik dengan perut yang kosong dan muka yang ceria serta dengan kebahagiaan yang dikongsi.

One way or another, we have to trust our partners/spouses. It’s a slow and hard process but we have to get there. And to the other halves—trust is something to be earned. Help your spouses who are hard to give their trust by being honest and at least try (hard. Harder if you still ain’t getting there) to share things.

Haih. Kentut.

Lagipun mak aku cakap kentut itu penting untuk kekal sihat. Aku saja yang tak normal sebab hanya kentut di dalam tandas.Eee sopannya. Sopan sungguh...


Entry diinspirasikan oleh makhluk-makhluk-suka-kentut-sedunia. I loike.

"Glory Box"

The difference between quietness and silence is that silence can be deafening. Quietness on the other hand should be calming.

Have you ever experienced a sudden blackout? I always do, here. Sandakan (and I believe most parts here in Sabah) do experience a lot of blackouts; that is if they have electricity. What's the difference between a blackout when you are in a city and when you are in a kampung?

The difference is you'd hear sudden silence when the blackout is in a city and quietness if it's in a kampung.
For a few seconds there, you'd realize there's no more buzzing of the machines. You are so used to the buzz until when all of the machines are suddenly 'dead', your ears rang like someone has slapped you across your face and hit your ears too.

Realizing for the first time that you've lost precious memories when you try to recall them back is like that. Like there's a sudden silence. A deafening one.

It sucks.

"Pomp and Circumstances"

"Cinta, sy kucing ada reben merah di ekor": Aku rasa satu bulan ni aku gila.

Ceritanya macam ini.

Awal-awal aku sampai itu hari, aku terus mula dengan Schoolmatterstome. Memang peringkat awal, aku tak berhenti buat 'kerja'. Ajak-ajak orang, pakai muka tidak malu. Cari back up punya pasal. Memang perkembangan Blog dan FB Group itu cukup kecil berbanding hajat asal aku. Tapi mungkin ianya perlu masa. Kawan-kawan semua perlu masa.

Dalam masa sama, aku belajar banyak "How to..." dari Youtube. Contohnya How to Color Comics in PS. Macam hampeh. Hati aku ni keras betul mau terima ilmu. Ada saja alasan tak mahu pakai PS mewarna. Tak ada tablet la. Susah nak belajar dari video la. Tiada scanner la. Haih. Tapi aku akan cuba.

Lepas itu, tukar layout Wordblog ni; entah berapa kali.

Ada juga cipta blog baru untuk artworks aku. Joined IF for the first time, sekarang sudah tiga entry and insyAllah minggu malam ni join entry keempat. Seminggu lepas, aku mula dengan projek T-shirt aku dengan member aku Naz. Asaimen untuk blog dia yang dia kasik aku pun aku belum siapkan.

Habis design ketiga, aku mula menjahit pulak. Ada la tiga benda aku hasilkan. Semua prototype aku bagi adik aku dan aku pakai sendiri. Benda keempat aku masih pelan-pelan buat. Semua itu discovery learning.

Sambung mula hari ini, aku buat lagi satu projek. Project FanArt aku panggil. I think the name explains everything. Aku mau mula dengan Marina B's Enchanted Dolls. Target buat 3 portrait. Lepas itu karakter-karakter lain pulak. Mungkin karakter dari "Beyond" dari Animatrix.

Ada lagi beberapa projek yang masih jadi niat saja; ada artwork-artwork yang tak mahu jugak siap... Tapi aku rasa, aku akan mula/siapkan somehow. Aku tak mahu niat-niat yang tinggal tu mati.

Dalam pada itu;

Aku tidur paling banyak pun 4 jam sehari. Sakit kepala jangan cakap. Tapi masalahnya ialah, aku tidak boleh berhenti. Aku letak blame atas Indocafe. Dulu, aku berenti minum nya sebab aku senang dapat Migraine kalau aku minum.

Tapi itu hari, aku minum macam gila. Satu jug kejap saja habis. Peluh-peluh sejuk. Hyper. Idea mengalir macam air. Flash card thoughts. Lepas itu, aku suda tak boleh kalau tak minum.

Hasilnya? Kebanyakan malam, badan aku tidur dulu baru fikiran aku terpaksa tidur. Serius. Tangan aku sampai tak boleh angkat. Baru aku mengaku kalah pegi tidur. Yang sedihnya, tidak boleh tidur lama pun. Paksa? Sudah cuba. Tidak berjaya.

'Kerja-kerja' aku tu macam soalan AddMath masa aku form 4 & form 5. Selagi aku tidak siapkan, selagi itu kepala aku tidak boleh berhenti. Masalahnya sekarang; Lepas siap realisasikan satu idea, kepala aku sudah mula lagi satu idea.

Makan, hm. Timing makan aku tetapkan. Sebab aku tau, kalau tak makan nanti tangan aku ketar. Tidak boleh melukis dengan bagus. Tapi kuantiti makanan aku kurangkan supaya cepat aku habiskan. Mau sambung kerja cepat.

Gila.

Ini bukan bermakna aku susah hati sebab kegilaan aku ini. Aku gembira. Sebab emosi aku seperti lebih stabil dengan gila kerjanya aku ini. Lagipun, sementara aku belum mula bekerja sebagai cikgu, aku mau puas-puas buat artwork.

Biarlah tidak sehebat mana pun hasil-hasil kerja ku. Aku tetap puas hati. Aku buat benda-benda yang aku suka. Aku takkan biar blog-blog, projek-projek itu mati tengah jalan; tahi ayam hangat. Aku mau terus berusaha!!

Oh. Indahnya 'kegilaan' ini.

Ain & Iman. Role Modes aku dalam berimaginasi.

Merepek je aku report perkara-perkara ini.

"The Bones of You"

Pic from: Dianacandy.com

“Candy Jars and the magical Big Cupboard: The risk or having your source of sweetness in bottles placed in one big magic cupboard that can disappear itself.”

I have lots of candy jars. All of them are my source of sweetness in my everyday life. Different jars offer me different kinds of taste; but all of ‘em make me happy. Lollipops, Gummybears, Jellybeans, m&ms, Chocolate bars (are they counted as candies too?),sour candies, etc etc.

Sometimes I eat all of ‘em, sometimes I eat some of ‘em. Sometimes none at all. At those times that I don’t eat any of my candies, were not because I don’t want to have any tastes or don’t want to be happy. But it was because the magical Big Cupboard disappeared.

Pic from: Vector4free.com

The risk of having all my candy jars placed in that cupboard is that I can easily lose my tastes. Once the last taste of candy disappear and the Big Cupboard still haven’t come back, I could start being depress already! And, I tell you, that taste seems to last for shorter time when the Big Cupboard’s not around.

But I couldn’t help it. I have to place my candy jars in the Big Cupboard. Where else should I put it? The magical fridges? Fridges are more dangerous; they disappear more often than they stay.
Maybe I should put my jars in different places. But what should I put in my magical Big Cupboard then? I have to have a reason for it to stay, now, don’t I? I have it in the first place because of a reason(s), no?

Pic from: Giant Jeans Parlor

Maybe I should put most of my candy jars in it; then put the rest (the little ones) in different places like the Fridges, under the Bed and on smaller Cupboards too…Maybe then I could lessen the risk of losing all my candy jars at once; IF the Big Cupboard disappears again. Huhu

Btw. It's amazing that the number of my candy jars are increasing everyday and they are all getting bigger and bigger. Thus the Big Cupboard is staying for good. I guess. But just in case; you know, Big Cupboard(s) need to go to Neverland once in awhile.

"Transmission"

Response to: Are Teachers Undesirable? by ah^kam_koko'
It’s probably better if you read the original article first.

[Female teacher]

Part 1: Female teachers as wives (Yeay!) *note: self promotion*

Just to start a story, let me tell you all about a dream. I used to wish that I can be a pilot, or someone related like an aeronautical engineer. But then fate brought me to this course instead: TESL. Fully sponsored—which was the biggest reason I took this course (mom couldn’t afford to get me into uni-school without scholarship).

It took some time for me to digest that I was to be a teacher. Most of my friends and old folks in my family told me some points on why ‘being teachers’ are the best suited profession for females. The list includes somewhat the same things that have been listed by the author of this article on why female teachers are desirable as wives.

But my decision to go ahead with the course *and eventually become a teacher* is not related at all to those points. That’s a different story, though. But the point here is; I agree with the points in the list. And I like to add that time is something that teachers have and this is totally a plus point for wives in terms of husband pleasing, child caring and home making.

Yes, I agree that teachers actually have so much more workload than what most people thought but to compare teachers with other professions, I think we do have that stable/predictable working time, less office hours, and more holidays. Thus allowing us more time for home.

Part 2: The (once) Ideal Husband

[Lawyer?]

Due to the nature of my original dream; it’s only natural that I’d wish to marry a pilot or an engineer. Hehe. And to tell you the truth, at first I thought that a male teacher wouldn’t suit as a husband for me.

Maybe it was because of (primarily) the need of having someone with a higher ranking in professional sense. Higher ranking as in, for instance, being a pilot and engineers are somewhat more respected in our society. Yes, I care[d] what people say. And anyway, their pay is (usually) higher than a teacher’s.

Plus, because of the fact that I am a (soon-to-be) teacher, I preferred someone who is from a different field. Someone who can bring home different stories unrelated to school politics and hopefully stories that I hoped I brought home. Stories related to my once dream profession...Even I didn’t get the chance to feel how it is to be an architect (for example), at least I can share it from my husband.

But then came a time when I was heartbroken to realize such men from such professions lack one thing: time (this is just a narrow, over-generalization opinion). Let’s take another profession as an example. A doctor. There’s a one incident when a friend of mine who is a doctor-to-be got into a discussion with me about having a doctor as a spouse. We came to one question: would I be able to comprehend the work schedule of a doctor?

I am a high maintenance woman when it comes to time and attention. So I said, no. I wouldn’t.

Part 3: Male Teachers as Husbands (?)

[male teacher?? formerly architect]

Therefore this leads us back to the ‘time’ factor. Similar to the female teachers, time is something that teachers have that other big professions don’t. So, there you go. One reason; tick.

Furthermore, looking back at my past experience, I think male teachers are generally desirable. I mean, we do have crushes on our male teachers while when we were in school. No? Maybe it’s because of their attentive-ness while teaching us? Or their charisma?

Other than that there are a number of reasons why I [now] may prefer a teacher more than a lawyer/doctor/architect/engineer… But as for me, male teachers are hot because of one reason (and he is hot only if he has this one reason) which is: he knows how to deal (in the best of ways) with children/adolescents (which in general are tough to handle); more so a bunch of them! And knowing how to deal with them is hot because it means that:

1. He knows a bit about psychology
2. His patience and tolerance level is high
3. He knows how to be fun/strict according to the situations’ need
4. His common sense is high
5. He’s adventurous and high in spirit and has positive attitude
   

Okay that could have been wrong. Many of male teachers who can handle children don’t even have those characteristics. They can be just plain mean all the time and still manage to get the kids straight. But oh well. Just putting my dream man’s characteristics in a teacher’s suit. But to a certain extent it is true, isn’t it?

That said, I think there are no reasons why teachers are undesirable just because of the profession. They are men, and I still think that a man’s undesirable-ness should depend more on his unfavorable characteristics than his occupation.

[occupation unknown: 'huh..please..']

He can be wearing a suit but don’t appreciate women at all except their existence; but he can be a farmer wearing rugged torn clothes and still is a noble and humble man, owning hundreds of acres of farm.

Let’s just get away from all the stereotype.
Thank you.

This is totally a biased written piece; totally from my perspectives only. So please, no offense to those with different wishes for a husband (or wives for that matter). One can ask so much to have someone specific as a husband. But in the end, we’ll always end up with the person we’re ought to be with; our jodoh—that is if we don’t end up alone.

"I Might be Wrong (Live on Le Reservoir)"

Eyh it's 2010 already?

1st January 2010. It feels like 1st of January 2009 was just a glance away; now that it's over.
I don't really celebrate new years. It seems so much like normal days. They are just numbers, really. But what the heck, let's just be marry and gay... so; HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I still start my day with similar routines as past days. I am still waiting for the news. I am still hoping for some miracles (actually whatever happens in my life can be considered as miracles). And I'm working on two *serious(?)* entries lately. But it seems very hard to finish.

I wish you all the best in starting fresh, and I hope you wish me all the best too.
Let's be more mature and advertise less crying dramas.

For a better us.
*for a better us*
(slurrrppp...hirup air teh tarik suam)