babai duakosongkosonglapan

aku suka foto ni

menyempat la aku buat final post for this year.

tahun nie, aku hepi ba..eh..nda nda nda.lebih tepat: aku puas hati... banyak benda yang buat aku beranjak dari my comfort zone. jadi aku bersyukur. kalau bukan pun aku berubah, tapi aku yakin aku sudah bergerak dari satu tahap ke tahap yang lain.

for the time being, i think i know what i expect of myself for the new year. i hope i have enough courage, patience and the will-power to fullfill that expectation.

mintak maaf salah silap saya,
terima kasih budi baik jasa anda sekalian.

when they turned off your lights

laying there fully on your back, you were nowhere near dreamland.the ceiling seem whiter than usual.or perhaps it's see-through now.coz right after you closed your eyes, you swore you saw another world beyond that concrete..a familiar world shown like a movie.on repeat.

for a moment there, youre almost sure that you were standing instead of laying; it was cold instead of warm--infact itwas raining and you were watching a couple pass by with the happiest happy face you've ever seen.

or maybe you were moving--walking, towards places you always go to at times like these coz youre quite sure your muscles are moving.you felt a familiar wind blow through your face and you were sure it wasnt from the fan hanging on the ceiling. and for a moment there, you were pretty sure you werent alone. coz you thought you heard a very familiar voice; you heard a distant sincere laugh and you smell something so sweet you really wana hold out your hand and reach that--

thats when you realized you've been holding your breath.you opened your mouth suddenly and gasp for air. you curl up to your side coz the pain on your chest was just too heavy. in your head too and maybe--your whole body.

your eyes are now wide opened.breathing quickly. and then steadily...you pull up your blanket up to your head and cover your face.

then you thought about friends.they dont drag you back down when you're trying really hard to get yourself up from a fall..it's just wrong...youre sure about that..but well..maybe it's just something you hold on to. maybe its different for someone else.

when you're eyes are tired, you closed them up.and the familiar yet different world will come alive again.and you'll wonder around that land to search for a familiar soul.

anom 2

buai tinggi-tinggi.sampa gapai awan.jatuh.bangun.sedar.belajar.ulang semula.

finally got the chance to drive mak to Kampung Padas. i spent a few years of my childhood in this kampung.

rumah aku di kampung ini sudah dirobohkan hampir 8 tahun lepas. sebab tiada penghuni kecuali beberapa jenis haiwan dan...penghuni-penghuni halus *penduduk lain kata*. tapi rumah2 keluarga masih tegak, tapi kosong juga semua. keluarga2 sudah berpindah ke bandar atas sebab2 yang tidak dapat dielakkan. kandang2 ayam masa mak pelihara ayam dulu pun semua sudah lama dirobohkan.kata bankcrupt.ladang yang dulu isi pokok jambu, rambutan, salat, pisang2, padi, terap, durian, semua dah hilang. digantikan dengan kelapa2 sawit yang dahulunya memang kalau dikira lebih menguntungkan. tapi sejak kebelakangan ini, harga sawit jatuh mendadak. habis semua harapan keluarga. habis semua frasa kata "aku akan bayar guna duit sawit nanti". tapi tidak mengapa. punca rezeki masih banyak. nasib mak tidak pernah letak harapan yang besar atas sawit ni.

jadi, tanah mak sekangkang kera yang dulu nya tapak rumah dan kandang2 ayam tu sekarang juga 'penuh' pokok2 kelapa sawit. usia pokok2 ni masih muda. buah nya pun tidak banyak. jadi mengupah orang untuk mengangkut buah2 sawit ke tempat pemborong memang buang duit. jadi memang mak buat sendiri semua. hari ni, ialah sekali lagi hari bertuah aku.

drive hilux dalam jalan kampung waktu2 musim tengkujuh macam ni memang buat darah aku membuak2 sebenarnya..buat muka biasa, tapi sebenarnya--excited! cuma, kena sopan sikit sebab ada penumpang. dan memunggah buah2 sawit ni atas kereta memang lagi satu kerja seronok. mungkin yang kuat bersukan akan faham kenapa kerja ini seronok. peluh. penat. puas.



sikit.tapi mak kata hasil kali ni banyak sedikit dari bulan lepas. mak puas hati.


lepas siap kerja, ambil gambar haiwan2 yang memang sah suka publisiti.


ingat masa kecil2 mandi dekat perigi ni. sekarang sudah usang. tapi air tetap sejuk dan bersih.


bila berdiri depan pagar ni aku ingat, masa tu kandang ayam bertelur ada kat sebelah kiri kanan, dua tiga buah. bau tahi ayam semerbak boleh buat baja. pokok2 jambu. jambu2 busuk jatuh atas tanah. pokok rambutan tiga pohon berderet. benih jenis 22, 23, 24. kata mak. yang bagus pokok tengah. benih jenis 23. 'koyakan' digelar nya. ingat-ingat-lupa. padi. pondok.

tidak mengapa.


masa pulang, tidak boleh kalau tidak singgah ladang tebu. pengusahanya proses tebu di situ juga.jual air tebu paling pure aku pernah rasa.sampai kadang2 aku rasa aku boleh rasa ke-ikhlas-annya proses tebu2 yang dia tanam, dia jaga, dia tuai, dia proses jadi airtebu.

cool.

when i was driving just now, i remembered this particular scene i had a few years back. i was in KL. masa tu dalam LRT. ada seorang perempuan tua. nampak macam visually impared.sebelah dia ada seorang budak kecil..dia tengah pandang2 luar cermin gerabak lrt tu. macam budak2 biasa. nampak macam interested dengan dunia. maybe i was starring too hard on that child and the old lady, she turned her face straight to me with this look. it was...like...sort of...the sort of look you'll give when you are trheatened with something. dia terus paut tangan perempuan tua dekat sebelah dia.bukan 'pautan' anak yang di jaga, tapi 'pautan' dia yang menjaga.
mungkin muka tu muka protective.
dan aku rasa budak tu terlebih matang untuk budak seusia dia.

tadi masa mak buang sampah dekat tempat kumpul sampah ada beberapa budak tengah kuis2 sampah. kumpul barang2 yang orang lain buang untuk digunapakai semula. dunia di sini gelar mereka ni 'pengambal'.
kau rasa apa sebenarnya yang buat mereka berada di situ?

hm.

makcik aku sebut pasal 'mak kau makan garam dulu dari kau' tadi. buat aku terfikir:
berapa lama perlu kita makan garam, baru kita tahu garam tu masin?

aman macam sudah mula beri tanda mengikut jejak2 langkah abang & kakak2nya. buat aku terfikir:
perlukah kita memegang api baru kita tahu api itu panas?

menunggu buat aku merasa:
kalau masa itu emas, kenapa kita perlu menunggu masa untuk mengajar kita sesuatu, untuk menunjukkan kita jalan, untuk mengubat luka di hati, untuk mengubah kita? membazirnya emas semua tu.
ironik rasa nya, sebab, kadang2 memang masa saja lah yang boleh buat semua tu.


hmm.

dari ketika aku baring, sampai aku terlena, masa untuk merenung segala-galanya. aku tak minta untuk memahami semuaya. tapi aku minta aku memahami cukup apa yang perlu untuk aku berjalan ke arah yang betul.


ps. 1: i can assure you, i do have a diary, but i would never write like this inside my diary. the audience for both written texts are different.

ps. 2: thank you so much for the push. you make me learn so much.

anom

there are many ways to see the world.ie the world has many sides.
everyone went through different set of things in life.ie everyone's different.



try to empathize once in a while, will ya.
ie i mis u.

on questions and dreams

for days now, i have been listening to Craig Armstrong's Piano Works. it is a marvelous way of making your heart and brain numb and empty of all feelings and thoughts coz the scores are too haunting. expecially *my fav* "in my own words"... it's just perfectly suicidal to listen to tht song. beautiful. :D

and so with the terrible flu and headaches ive been having *for days too*, i spend a lot of time today, sleeping. i cant seem to open my eyes. my head hurts so badly, it still hurts even now. my house will be undergoing renovations starting this sunday, so i have to get well by then so i wouldnt need that much of sleep coz it will b damn too noisy to sleep.

n so for today's rantings...
on questions and dreams..
some things in this world will never be understood by humans coz our brains have their limitations. so some questions in this life, this world, this universe, can never be answered.this is a fact. a simple fact that, really, should only makes us stronger, wiser and happier. a limitation that would not make us less of a value, but make us even better. aint that a marvel. there's a connection there *between the limitation and being better* that i cant really explain in detail but im sure, regular readers know where im going with this.

so... i remember, i have been so rebelious in my teenage years because i keep trying and trying to search for answers of why some really bad things happened to me...i did found some possible answers *which i seriously thought was the real concrete answers at that time* that not only made me more rebelious but also made me even more lost. 'answers' that only made me drift further and further away from the truth.

but now...i think i know i dont have to have all the answers to all my questions. i know this long before, but as i have said repeatedly before, some things--you just know about em but you dont really know em, understand em..untill you really do...right..

so perhaps..i just realize, really3 realize--that i should just let go of those certain questions. this is not the act of giving up before a fight, coz if you really know me and what i have been through, i did go through a hell of a fight. its actually the result of confidence and certainty in that One true power.so let it go. it feels so much lighter, my shoulders. heh

letting go of those questions doesnt mean i let go of my dreams and my efforts realizing those dreams... in fact, letting go of those questions make me even more motivated to go forward and to hold on to those dreams. my mom always say this when i talk about my dreams

"jangan lah kau suka2 mau cakap pasal itu semua, ina... kita tida tau apa yang ada di depan..nanti kau cakap2, tida juga jadi, na...apa kau mau buat.."

so much that i love my mother, i do get heart broken everytime she said this. but well, i cant blame her...she might be right. anyway, she might be trained to be think that wayby the way life has treated her,so...ermm...but well, i disagree. because, for me, those dreams should exist as an aim. those dreams should be talked about as a motivation. coz, i believe that, the more we talk about it, the more it sounds concrete. its like doing those routine of saying things repeatedly *like in prayers and other routines*..the more you say it, with all your heart, the more you believe in them...right?

so...i want to have a 4x4 suv jeep-like. i dont think im capable of having a wrangler with my near-future income.so maybe a suzuki jimny would do. heehhhh or anything similar.as long as it has the capability of entering the most difficult route in Sabah. say--around Ranau or some high and rural lands in Sabah. Kundasang? Tambunan?

area2 tu ialah area2 family belah ayah. but no..i did not dream for a car so that i can go and find him..

i dream to have a car that can go to those places coz in those regions, there must be high schools. in those schools, there must be students. students who have dreams too. students who are capable in terms of brain capacity to realize those dreams. but they couldnt talk about them in front of their mothers and relatives and blablabla coz those dreams seem imposible.

i wouldnt blame them parents. to a certain extent, they're probably true. and to a certain extent too, those dreams might vanish from those students lips, and then from their minds, and then from their hearts.

what makes those dreams seem imposible to them? money ofcourse.

and when we talk about money+education= scholarship. this might sound offensive to some, but, i do believe there is something wrong with our scholarship division or with the way they decide (or who ever that decides) to whom the scholarships are given to coz...coz...i think, there are intelligent but economically-unfortunate students out there..bbut where are they??aku patut sudah berjumpa dengan mereka sepanjang perjalanan academic aku..tapi setakat ni, aku jarang jumpa..oleh itu, aku membuat andaian bahawa terlalu sedikit jumlah pelajar miskin yang menerima biasiswa besar.

but that is just my thoughts based on what i personally see through my life.i might be wrong.but whether im right or wrong, i still have to help those children with big dreams..yeahhh!!i want to help them find their way to earning their scholarships.

hehehe
hmm
hurm

but if one day, when i realize that some of my many dreams could not become reality, i should let go of them and talk about new dreams...

let go. let(s) go.

I just feel the need to update my blog today. Bcoz ive been sitting and drawing for too long-- I feel my eyes are gonna pop out. so I think sitting and staring on the screen will definitely be a good reward for my hard work. Owh yeah. right. And plus the flu and headache; my work-stress mounts on; hence the need to brag about every tiny thing that came across my mind during the hard work.

First:I thought about the phrase ‘see you later’ or ‘see you soon’ or ‘see you when I see you’. Definitely lovely phrases. but then i thot: the imprecise implication of when exactly that time of see-ing comes will just exaggerate the waiting. Then the beauty of these phrases instantly vanished from my mind.

Second: I thought about “risks” and the syndrome of NOT taking risks. and I don’t know why that I just realize this now but there are too many people around me, including meee, are suffering from this syndrome. We avoid risks like neo dodge bullets.

I readlly don’t know how exactly to put my thoughts properly on words but let me just babble around and see if you do get my point.

Sometimes, we are afraid of taking a different route just because we are very used to the road that we are walking on. Even when we come up to crossroads, we’ll just take the one road that lots of people had said to have less trouble, less risks. And at other times, we even stop walking just because the road up ahead of us is full of risks.

we stopped walking! (?)

think of all the things that we might find by taking a different route or by keep walking on that risky road… of course we might get hurt, might lose something, might get lost, but those are the collateral damage that might get us to that ‘better’ point/phase/place…cant you see?

we learn the poem ‘the road not taken’ in our high schools,right, maybe you should just recall what you’ve learn *or start analyzing for those who didn’t learn it at school*maybe there’s some similarities of what Im trying to say.or not.

So..herm..maybe that is obvious for all of you. But my personal point is that..hurmm..every day, I feel like I have to make a decision, *lots of decisions but this particular one is currently the most important to me* whether to stay or leave..and I was wondering—“did I just take on the less risky decision today?"

Hey…but then…*changes mind* maybe, every decision has risks..even the decision to stop walking.. it is just the matter of which decision is more cleverer…or was it all about benefits???

O-my-God..did I just got lost in my own point? tssskkk....Screw that..it’s just my insignificant point of view anyway. *in a very bimbo way of saying it*

Then,
third: I got these series of words, phrases..flashing through my mind while I took a break at noon just now.on the right are possible explanations of why i was thinking those thoughts.

without a real reason: a line from faust arp by RH
you wore red pants: Thom was wearing red pants in a show. i wonder if i wore red pants
pick up the garbage: my head's a mess.too much irrelevant thoughts like garbage
left me in the dark.
sun rise,rain drops: these days, usually, the sun will shine in the morning, but it will rain in the afternoon
hold your hand: no explanation needed
hold my tongue: i cant talk
have a question: too many questions unanswered
fall.

and also these phrases. what's IT? i have no idea.

it's an addiction.its a sickness without cure.
it's a paranoia.
it's a contradiction.
it's the leap off the highest point of your life; it is the free-fall.
it's the best crime.
it's the runaway; it is the hiding.
it's the wolf.
it's the night when there's too much light.
it's the aching sensation of a thrust in your chest.
it's the breathing.
it's the sighing.
it's the thinking.
it's the numbness of your feelings.
it's the forgetting not the forgiving.

Then I remember,
fourth: I don’t believe everything tht people call facts. Coz I think some facts are always something that people still can manipulate. But then I watched this show on tv yesterday i think n I find this fascinating:

this is difficult. i dont know where to start.
maybe we should start with Einstein's general relativity theory
he thought that that was the theory for 'everything' and 'everywhere'.

then, came the quantum mechanics theory
Einstein never fully agree with the quantum mechanics theory because of his stand about scientific determinism, but he did some collaborative experiments and it resulted in confirmation of the quantum theory.
this theory also claimed to be the theory for 'everything' and 'everywhere'.

so there cant be two such theory. and Einstein was still obsessed with finding a unified and simplified (physics) theory that can be apply/describe the whole of the universe and everything in it. one theory. so he tried to 'combine' those two theories or atleast try to relate them. but because these two theories basically contradict each other, they cant actually be unified to be one.

he tried hard untill the day he died but he still didn’t get to realize his dream of the unification.

i probably got all of that wrong.. but what is wrong; what is right? those are theories anyway and Einstein's history is written by humans too. so go do your own extended homework if youre not satisfied, but that's what i think i understood from that show.

and so this small ‘fact’ that you guys probably have known since you were five really fascinates me. and so, after watching that it made me think about lots more things… and I sort of linked it to all of my limited and very shallow knowledge of the world..and of course, I came into the exact same answer: the main point of this entry

Hurm. so i came to the conclusion that: I have forgotten again, haven’t I?

and another thing,
lastly: when i wasnt thinking about those stuffs, *which actually means most of the time* my mind was actually filled with the thoughts about one single soul.

tsk2.degilnya waznah.

Aku berdiri di atas bayangan hari-hari nya
Kadang hingga aku hilang tubuh sendiri
Adakah itu indah
Adakah itu celaka

Susur emosi dan tindaknya
menjadi pasak akal dan emosi ku
sejujurnya, dia ilham ku
adakah itu indah
adakah itu celaka

adakah indah dan celaka itu berbeza.

okay.muka aku rasa cam dah bengkak.
sekian, slamat malam/pagi.

mengapa? apa yang kau cari?

aku pun tidak tahu apakah yang telah aku lakukan ini dan untuk apa.

mungkin juga aku ingin menunjukkan bahawa aku sangat 'gembira' dengan hidup ku pada saat ini.aku bersyukur dengan apa yang aku tidak ada dan apa yang aku ada.

mungkin juga tadi aku hampir menyebabkan kereta emak aku meletup. oleh itu aku merasa aku adalah seorang anak yang sangat baik, sopan santun dan sangat baik.juga sangat baik. terlupa hendak menyertakan: sangat baik.

mungkin juga aku sudah penat untuk berfikir kenapa dan mengapa dan apa ada pada dia lalu aku tidak mahu berhenti melakukan sesuatu yang boleh menghalang fikiran aku untuk berfikir hal tersebut.

mungkin juga aku ada kerja yang lebih penting seperti melukis tetapi aku suka menangguh lalu aku mencari sebab untuk menangguh.

ini lah yang telah aku lakukan sejak dari tadi:

beberapa cadangan dalam cara untuk menyebut owh-yeah berserta gambar

klik rajah untuk visual lebih jelas

kenapa pada waktu-waktu fikiran bercelaru, aku susah hendak tidur? nanti aku bilang kambing biri-biri supaya cepat tidur. tetapi mungkin sekarang aku lebih selesa untuk tidak tidur kerana bimbang pula nanti bila aku matikan komputer riba aku ini, aku merasa sunyi. apabila sunyi, aku bertambah celaru. aku kira-kira tadi, aku mahu baca buku. aku kira-kira lagi, aku mahu lukis kartun. kira-kira lagi, aku mahu menulis. rupa-rupa nya kiraan ku salah semuanya. aku dengan otomatis nya telah menyelongkar kembali gambar-gambar lama di komputer ribaku dan mengumpul gambar-gambar yang menyengat hati pilu. kemudian aku meletakkan gambar-gambar pilu ini di satu tempat yang aku bisa elakkan. setelah itu, aku pun melakukan kerja yang tadi disebut itu (rujuk rajah atas).

kemudian, anda pun tersedar betapa merepeknya entry kali ini..oleh itu, anda pergi ke poll yang telah disediakan disebelah kanan layar blog ini lalu mengundi bahawa blog ini harus ditutup.

kanan..kanan..tidak--tidak..kanan...right..to your right,..more right,..yes..yes..to the right..your right..up a bit..more..up..moree...owh you missed it..down a bit.yeah..owh no..not that one..the other one...yes..yes...



baiklah. aku rasa, di sini adalah tempat yang sesuai untuk aku katakan dialog yang aku tidak mampu untuk katakan di dunia sebenar. oleh itu, biar aku katakan saja di sini ya.

kepada 'kau' (plural): aku yakin kau hebat. jangan risau, aku tidak akan cuba sangsi dengan kehebatan kau itu. oleh kerana kau terlalu hebat, kau bolehlah memperkecilkan aku, silakan lah.aku tidak akan sangkal kan apa yang kau cakap. xD

kepada 'kau' (singular): aku yakin kau sungguh selesa hidup begitu, tapi janganlah sia-siakan hidup aku pula.

kepada wanita besi paling besi aku pernah jumpa: emak, aku mintak maaf dengan siapa aku kerana aku tahu emak tetap sayang aku walau bagaimana pun aku ini.aku cuba menjadi lebih baik.

aku pun tidak tahu bila aku akan puas hati dengan entry ini--cukup puas hati untuk berhenti menaip ayat-ayat yang tidak penting untuk orang lain pun.

baiklah.aku sudah puas hati.kerana tiada sudah perkara lain yang aku hendak repekkan.

selamat malam.

ps: konstruksi ayat-ayat adalah inspirasi daripada usher akbar.

lah aku hati suka

i drove toyota hilux double-cab on LD-SDK route for 3 hours straight. not an 'easy' car. not an easy route. iman puked inside the car half way so definitely no air-conditioning. i had migraine.

but thats okay.

i spent two days working on another full-page artwork but i couldnt give it to abg rom coz there's too much mistakes.

but that's okay.

people gave me hard time just because of my social-economic class and my background.

that is still *quite* okay.. (m'hm..m'hm..)





you're not around???

then THAT'S NOT OKAYYY!!!!
okay?






i amaze myself sometimes..for a pessimist (self-proclaimed status which recently has been doubted) i am pretty optimistic..okayh maybe not optimistic....maybe---just--persistent (?)...

well i dont know.
so much for the persistence-- i am 'seeing' exit doors already..



"girls...they change their mind too many times..."
suka hati aku lah.

wedding report: Maslianah&Muslimin

good morning ppl...
i feel better after crying like crazy last night.
this life is just GREAT.
dont u agreee? ;D

so, 05.12.08, Senah, Joe and me went to Tawau for maslianah's hepppiiieee day. for me, the road trip's (supposed to be) more exciting..its my first road trip with friends here in Sabah. ive done it kat semenanjung, done it in nz but yeah i had not done it here in sabah till that day.



so the plan was: Joe will pick us up from our homes at 7 and we'll meet up with Dunk (driving a different car) and leave sandakan at around 8.

yeah right.

Joe pick me up at nearly 8. we did a few rounds around sandakan to send Sen's brother to her granny's house and to Joe's to send breakfast to his sisters. after all of that, we finally on our way..i think it was around 9...but alas...Joe still manage to came up with another problem to delay the trip; sort of. he hadnt pump the tires for the long drive. we started our journey anyway,we planned to stop by any gas station on the way to pump them up. and tada..we manage to stop 4 stations before we get to the one with the working pump. tu pun masa kami sda d batu32 *check point*. so Dunk couldnt wait for us nomore. we'll meet up at Lahad Datu anyway when she's picking up Waidah and (supposedly) the boys (Boy and Ateh).

Joe: "baru lega hati ku ba.."
he refused to be distracted with my stories before he pump the tires. he was scared. SO WHY CANT YOU PUMP THEM LAST NIGHT??..Joe gelak jeh. damn. hehe but the team was great. during the trip the stories didnt stop flowing out. from planning about businesses and to discussing about heart aches and relationships, we discuss *sometimes more to debating* over it..

and we did stop at SMSLD. damn it brought back memories. no one was there at first. we took pictures and stuffs. walk around the classes. laugh about things that we remember. yerp. the 'good' old days..yah...but before we left, Sensei Safian came and we talked to him for a few minutes under the hot sun in front of the guardhouse..he was going out and we had to stop to sign out anyway. *sensei safian was smoking..and it was damn weird to see that* hahahahahah



sapa nda ingat jalan masuk nieh? mo kenak pukul nieh..!



this is the only pic i got. the rest's wif sen.huhu n she's in kk. damn

so we did meet up at LD. Waidah joined in. but Boy and Ateh didnt. we had lunch together. before we got back on the road.

the trip that was supposed to take up untill 6-7 hours the most had become an almost-10 hours trip. am i exagerating? should ask Sen about that. Joe's a good driver..its just that he's not too experienced with the SANDAKAN-TAWAU route. with the big trucks, winding roads and talks that requires half of his brain processing, all that forced him to drive only as fast as 60-70 kmph..dont blame him... he didnt even asked me to switch and drive instead...he's a really good guy..hihihi but its a shame, ladies, he's owned.. ;P

so we reached Tawau. went to the Tawau mosque. fetch Tini and went straight to Maslianah's place. Dunk, Waidah, Mia and Hany was already there. i went straight to Mas's room and cried with her for awhile..dramatik sial..hahahaha damn i miss her and the others too..hehehehe it felt great to finally meet them again. :D



there's a ceremony that night, berzanji. as i am the ignorant bitch that i am, i only brought a pair of baju kurung for the nikah tomorow morning. so i refuse to attend the berzanji. but Mas insisted that i come and lend me another beautiful pair of baju kurung..hihihi THANX HEAPS mas!!!! :D

that night, after all the rituals, we *all the girls* gathered in the bilik pengantin and talk...yeah you can imagine all the dirty jokes we pull out about first nights...ngahahahahahaha but well, the other girls are so innocent and pure, i couldnt bring myself to joke about it too much. control2. hahah but then...Mas dengan baik hatinya menceritakan cerita indah nya..the story from the moment Muslimin proposed untill the time she accepted it.


saat2 penceritaan cerita yang indah


mas yg mmg cantikkkkk..the night before the nikah


budak2 psycho.. u still look like a bride, Mas...no matter how monyet you acted..bilang pun modern bride kan...hihi

it was a long yet beautiful story..i really wanted to cry listening to the story but, i cant. i duno y. maybe i was saving up the tears for later.heh coz i was about to confront a very shocking face-slap moment...which i didnt expect at all...

but after berzanji, we went out to eat together. i was a bit dissapointed that the gathering went too fast. i was expecting something more relaxed. more like...'ngeteh' tahap maksimus. like take our time, eating, drinking more than a glass of what-ever-we're-drinking, reminiscing, talking, debating, laughing, maybe some crying...what ever..but..before i knew it, we were already leaving the table and walking off to our cars saying our good night and 'see you tomorrow's...well..maybe we're not that old to do all the melepak..maybe we will be able to do that when we're like 30-40...hahahahaha tapi nanti sda kerja, mesti lagi susah mau jumpa2..damnnn


budak tu pun pening amek order kami


na..apa kamu rasa aku crita2 sama si agus ha..naaa...agus sekarang makin bitter i tell you..hahahaha

the shocking face-slap moment happened the next morning...definitely a moment to remember. hurm... but that's a finished story. closed. all i know, that incident have opened my eyes..some things in this world didnt change at all. and we cant do anything about it. i just have to remember where i stand.

so...the next thing is the nikah. maybe im not suppose to say this, but i was glad Sen is who she is. she helped a lot with the ceremony. with the others too. pagi tu agak kelam kabut..but hey, it was a wedding day right. wedding days are suppose to be hectic, right? heheheh but Izzat, Sabri, Fizzy did come. we didnt get to chat long though, coz everyone was bz with the wedding and after the ceremony, Waidah and Sen had to leave early so we sort of part our ways earlier than we should..nda sempat mo beronggeng sama2 lama2..huhu some other time guys..


muke aku yg cam sial lepas terkena tamparan hebat earlier.we were waiting for another couple's nikah (the crowd at my back) to finish off before we set up the place for Mas' nikah.


muka sial lagi..pabila di bandingkan dengan muka pengantin, aduh..Mas, you look stunning :D

after that, the bride and groom went back to the bride's house for more ceremonies. maen tol kat pintu la, apa lah..aku pun tak paham..but well..i will understand them when my time comes. but ya Allah, bile la nak datang hari tuh..hahahah with the current situation of my love-life it'd b damn long before i get into my white dress.

we started our long trip home at around 2pm i think and reached home around 8+. poor Joe. he was pretty stressed out with the driving. when it was starting to get dark, it was also starting to rain heavily which caused the traffic to slow down.he couldnt see the road clearly but he kept driving coz his parents were worried about why he took too long to bring us home.. hehe i was pretty scared but i coulndt shut my mouth from babbling. heh sorry, Joe. we sure owe him a lot for driving all the way.

once more, i apologize..most of the pictures i have in my mc is too ugly to be exposed, the rest of pics are with Sen, i bet she will upload them when she's back from kk.

tamat lah aku punya report of the wedding.

on teaching and learning

we can learn anything from anyone, from anything
depends on us whether we wana learn or not

ofkos its an obvious thing.saje nak merepek.it isnt like i hv other better things to do.

nyway.i think its a good intro for my teaching career nanti. every 'first time' in a new class i will make that a point. eheeh n maybe throw in a bit of a speech..perhaps like this one:

i cant say that i can teach you all the things you need to know *in this small field of english* before you dive into the real world..i cant say that i can teach you all tht the curriculum demands you to know *coz some of it is crap which i wont b bothered to teach u anyway*. i cant promise you if you study hard n smart you can pass that exam n then u can have a happy life ever after *some ppl i know who were labeld 'best students' got into deep-shit after leaving school*..i cant promise you that when i teach, you will learn something..i cant promise you i will teach you anything..
all i can say is that..if you want to learn, i will try to help you..


hows tht for my opening speach??
ahahahah corny~

erm.im thinking of being a teacher da. hurm. well. bile lagi kan. warm up is necessary. ahah...yerp2.baru sekarang~...

one of my cuzin kene pinang ari tu. on wednesday actually. semalam ke tuh? eh..hurmm heheh lost track of time. too much daydreaming? hm anywy.i feel its quite funny coz i grew up wif her.. n..she's a teacher. so being in the same field, aku pun bukak la crita pasal jadi cikgu ni day before the thing. so i told her, "im not planning to be a teacher forever. i plan to get 'out' after i finished my contract which will probably b more than 5 years..blablabla..."

her reaction:

"so what DO you plan to do?? *tone sedikit berbaur malas nak layan n tak pecaya akan mende yg aku sebut tuh* when u're in it, it'll be too comfortable to get 'out'..u'll lose ur enthusiasm n u'll be in it forver.."

she was washing her car while talking. :|

i kept quiet...
i cant think of anything at tht moment. not even right now.

n then i remember that lecturer..whats her name again?..damnit, waz..
she said "u'll love it (teaching). believe me. you will love it till u forget abt leaving"


let it be.we'll see how things go.

tumoro, a few old frens n me r going on a road trip to Tawau. a good 330km from here. its like 6-7 hours of driving. Maslianah Mariali is getting married. that same person who said she would be the last one from our batch (1999-2003 smsld) to marry. eheheh klaka. it'd b great im sure. i'l try to post some things abt the ceremony here when i get back.

life's been great ya know.things r great.i just realize 'it' was all just bad habits.
heh *tired grin*

life is infact a long learning process.
all those phrases..all those cliches...well not all..some of em. like..shit i cant think of any now. but ive been saying it, i heard about it, i talked abt it, i was told abt it...but now..now..i think, i understand it more...u know..aihh...i wish i could tell the whole world about this feeling...im happy, you know..not happy im-dancing-everything's-colorful-my-heart-is-filled-with-flowers kind of happy...but i feel a bit..at ease...
i--am...--okay.
im okay

wow..if u really know who i am, me--saying--im okay without the 'kot' is like really amazing... ;P

heh

i seriously hate straight lines (silverchair) when it first came out. so i never listened to the new album till someone sort of throw it onto me n so, im stuck with the album at the moment. n this is my fav song; currently. n i surfd utube for its live version n so far, this is th best i think

nice.

owh this is another version of it.the Dissociatives (dan's side band) version. i think its pretty awesome.seriously.



one more thing.
I wish i could replay many moments, to change my part in them. But each moment became an intrinsic part of our pattern and a small shift would have made a pattern so different, it wouldn't have belonged to who we became. (from leaning towards infinity)

and

i still find myself wanting to stay, more than i want to leave. so let me just linger.

selamat hari raya aidil adha.
:D