"Almost Crimes (Acoustic)"

I can’t help but to make another Alice reference. This part where she met the Cheshire cat:

“Cheshire Puss,” she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. “Come, it’s pleased so far,” thought Alice and she went on. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where—“ said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat “if you only walk long enough.”

In a few days we’ll leave behind 2009 and step into another new year. It’s like going back to 1 (this metaphor is based on the presumption that 1 is the starting of countings). Or is it really back to 1? Maybe not. The days may start back to 1/1 (first of January) but it wouldn’t be ’09 anymore. Or ’08. Or any other past years.

We don’t really have second chances with time now, do we?

So. Coming up to this year’s end is like that scene of Alice meeting the Cat. I’d ask: which way do I ought to go, dear life?

But that depends on where you want to get to.

Somewhere isn’t a good idea. With the destination of ‘somewhere’ it would only mean that I will walk blindly. And the problem is: I wouldn’t know when is ‘long enough’ to make sure that I am ‘somewhere’.

With the new year approaching and with a new phase of life awaiting me, I got to set my direction.

No. That doesn’t mean I’m setting a new year’s resolution.

"Styrofoam Boots/ It's all nice on ice, alright"

Erk?! I changed my layout once again? What's that? I have no life; you presumed? Well, honey, people define 'life' differently, what's more 'how to live a life'.

That's just my self-defense mechanism talking; excuse me.

Well, that's not just it. I decided to change the blog name too. But the link url stays the same. As if anyone cares: that'd be a lame thing to say. Ahahaha. And I decided to use random song titles as the titles of my entries from now onwards. Nothing to do with the content. It'd be fun.

So far, I love that Schoolmatters is building up his own supporters in Facebook. Slowly? 'Gracefully' is better. Some really generous & supportive people are starting a discussion on how crappy our education system is. It's really a nice discussion. You want to join in? Here. Be a member and start contributing your opinions :)

On the other hand, Schoolmatters' blog really needs more active writers; but well, everyone's busy doing something. We'll find a way. Other than that, I am starting a new artblog. I don't really know where it's heading. But I just have to start. Somewhere.

I can't really sleep actually. Butterflies in my stomach.

15 sebab kenapa aku sakit otak

Ada 15 sebab kenapa aku 'brain crash' beberapa hari ni.

(1) Terlalu banyak kehendak. (2) Terlalu banyak expectations. (3) Terlalu risau tentang penempatan sekolah. (4) Terlalu marah dengan keadaan tersilapnya bahagian *** dalam menguruskan penempatan kami. (5) Terlalu banyak benda nak buat. (6) Terlalu lama berada di dalam rumah tanpa keluar. (7) Terlalu malas hendak keluar dari rumah.

*fuhhh..traik nafas dulu...*

(8) Terlalu rindu rakan-rakan. (9) Terlalu memikirkan masa hadapan. (10) Terlalu selalu sangat tekan butang tab Facebook. (11) Terlalu banyak maklumat yang diserap di Internet. (12) Terlalu cepat hendak putus asa. (13) Terlalu cepat hendak jadi master dalam sesetengah perkara sedangkan baru mula belajar. (14) Terlalu pengen gaji. (15) I just made this list up, baru tadi. Memang ada rosak sikit la otak ni...

Masalahnya senang saja sebenarnya. Hilangkan perkataan 'terlalu' itu. Bersederhana. Chillax, Waz. Makan Paddlepop Rainbow tu dulu. Dengar lagu-lagu blues yang boleh goyang-goyang sikit-sikit tu.

Chillax, dunia.

Asyik-asyik tag 'tiada' ja ni. Ntah bila mau tulis betul-betul.
One step at a time, yah.

KOmen

Aku baru sedar blog aku punye masalah nak komen tadi. Aku ingat orang tanye-tanye aku pasal "kenapa tak leyh komen" sbb aku disabled komen kat post... Rupa2nya mmg masalah blog.

Mulai post ni, aku akan enable balek komen kat post. Kalau sudi nak komen, sila la komen.

Sekian.

Filling up my days with lines

I'm on a few artwork stuffs. It feels good to be doing all these stuffs. Makes me feel alive.

Here's some previews of my new works; still not finished yet. The pictures are really sucky. Because my camera lost its charger; my scanner is currently still on a ship on its way here. So, all that is left is my handphone's camera.

My version of Alice and a boy in the White Rabbit suit.


Here's somewhat a number of series shots of my few new loved creatures.


I'm learning to create 'complete' characters... Male characters; soon.


And here's a few random drawings.


I need colors and a scanner soon. While waiting for the letter; I'll be enjoying the remaining of holidays with anything. Wish me all the best.

one.two.three.

"...every time you feel troubled or you feel like crying, you come to me as fast as you can, okay. I'll hold you. Then I'll count to three; you have to close your eyes..."

one

two

three.

*closes eyes*

***********

COLDPLAY [Strawberry Swing]
the sky could be blue, could be gray, without you I'm just miles away yea the sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time



DOES IT OFFEND YOU YEAH [Epic Last Song]
I grow happy knowing that you're alright



NINE INCH NAILS [The Great Below]
I can still feel you. Even so far away.

revised: "aku lelaki"

Here's a poem I wrote back in 2008 I think. It was from the old blog but I decided to revise it and publish it here.

Aku lelaki yang berdiri

Aku pula lelaki yang sentiasa menoleh kebelakang ketika berjalan kehadapan

Aku pula lelaki yang melihat langit dan laut
kerana jika tidak, aku akan lupa betapa kerdilnya aku

Aku lelaki yang berlidah

Aku pula lelaki yang bagaikan burung merak;
tahu aku jantan lawa, sisa kan saja si betina

Aku pula lelaki yang merasa perlunya peneman ketika aku perlu bersandar kerana lelah
tetapi tidak ingin peneman di waktu lain
kerana bila aku tidak lelah aku mau berjalan bebas,
tidak perlu peneman sudah yang kemudiannya menjadi beban

Aku lelaki yang bertopeng

Aku lelaki yang ketawa kerana cuma merasakan bahawa ia perlu
Aku pula lelaki yang menangis dibelakang tabir dan di sebalik bayang-bayang

Aku lelaki yang gagah kerana berdindingkan tebal disekelilingku
Tapi aku lelaki yang tidak tahu siapa sebenarnya yang boleh meruntuhkan dinding ini

Aku lelaki yang berbaju

Aku lelaki yang segak berjalan kerana yakin
Aku pula lelaki yang kata-katanya tajam kerana aku tahu ia benar

Aku adalah lelaki yang seperti malam, seperti siang, seperti betopeng, seperti dia.
Aku adalah lelaki yang berkayuh sampan, dan memikul senapang.

Aku lelaki yang lupa

Aku lelaki yang pulang kepada Dia yang mengingatkan aku pada aku
Tapi aku adalah si polan yang hilang namanya kerana dia.

Percaya pada Pancar Hati dan Dia

I miss making dog related jokes..hahah But the message brought by this photo is NO JOKE! Because, yes , it's true. It is so important that you always remember this:

...THAT YOU'RE AWESOME!

But let's not get carried away, fellas. To be sincerely awesome is to actually be humble. Though you are so awesome in whatever sense you believe yourself to be (God, you are unbelievably narcissistic), remember that you are, in fact, flawed in so many ways (naturally) and that there is always this extra way to better yourself.

self esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect

confidence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities

End note: Bersederhanalah dalam apa juga.

being too inwardly focused

Been working on a long piece about depression. Still considering of making a site for it instead. But I don't know.

A few hours on the writing (for today, it's been 4 days already) then, while reading something more about depression I got this phrase stuck in my head:

..being too inwardly focused.

Yes. That's it. That is exactly why we can't survive a heartache normally. That is why we can't make through that cloudy day without hurting ourselves. That is why we can't cope with that sadness.

Because I was being too inwardly focused. I think too much about my heartaches, what I can't do anymore now that my heart is broken; what had happened to me and why it shouldn't have happened or why something else should have happened instead; how this or that person is to be blamed for what had happened to me; how I am stupid but everyone else is stupider; how I deserves this or I don't deserve that; how life is not fair to me.

Even when I know that He who created this life and this world is All-fair and Most-Just...? Even when I know my knowledge and my reasoning; my thoughts, my calculation, my interpretation, my contemplation of which is better or which is not--would never enough to reach and understand His real plan?

Tsk...

So, where was I?

O yeah. Being too inwardly focused. So, the conclusion is simple. We turn it around; and be focused outwardly too? How is that? Beats me. But here is a suggestion:

A Day in The Life of a Boy by ~mlauritano on deviantART

I've written something about imagination a few weeks back, I think. But I have to babble about it again: Imagination and creativity in thinking is something so powerful that it can help us to NOT be too inwardly focused. Because we soar pass the boundaries of our own life bubble.

Keep ourselves busy with something else. Do things we enjoy. Appreciate what we have instead of hoping to have what we don't. Remember that we are here and what had happened are all because there's a bigger power than anyone of us.

If the black cloud is blocking the sun from us, we soar pass that. If the rain's too heavy, we'll soar pass that to caves, to houses, to places we can keep warm; wait till the sun shines again and there'll be the rainbow. Awwww....

Then we can see a wider picture of things around us and the happenings that happened to us. We can see that this (ALL this, though how little 'everything' is actually) is so much more to be taken for granted by being sad all the time and by hurting yourself in ways normal people wouldn't think of.

Even if being happy requires conscious effort for me...
I want to be happy.

--------------------------------------------------

Just like this kid here. I witness her ability to imagine. She talks her own language, she tells stories *bersungguh-sungguh* She plays on her own just as if she has this whole world that we, the adults, could not see...

10 steps back to yourself

I didn't initially planned it to be this way, it just turned out like this; this entry. Therefore, the pictures might not really explain what I crap about exactly, but hewl, just get along with it. It doesn't matter anyway.

HOW TO KNOW YOURSELF BETTER
1. Have friends. Have lots of friends. It doesn't matter you only know them through the internet, or you only say hi! to them once or twice a day at work.

2. Have closer friends. A bunch of them. These ones say more than hi! of course.

3. Be with these people at times when you feel like it. Share jokes, stories, gossips, advices, reminders. Whatever. It's important to 'see' and 'know' about other people in order to know yourself better.



4. Have a 'closest friend' or two. Talk to these type of friends; let them know the deepest side of you. Your past, your mistakes, your ups and your downs in life, your awfulness but they're okay with it. They don't judge, they don't criticize, they just help you to realize things. They take care of your heart more than they care about the-so-called-reality, but they will help you see that reality.




5. Have time for yourself, when you think you need them. But be okay with it. Don't feel lonely; then it'll be a contradiction. Make sure you are not harmful to yourself when you do this.

6. Always reconnect with your family, your passion, your love, your roots and most of all your spiritual side. It's #1 priority: The One.



6. Try to know what you really want, what you really need, try to know what you like. And try to know why you like/need/want them. Try to relate.



7. Go to places you like and love. Go places you never been to. Go anywhere.



8. Be thankful. You won't know yourself if you are not thankful for what you have. You keep on wanting something else, you'll only get to know that self that you wish you are with the things you wish you have.

9. Make changes, go against the current sometimes, go weird, make a difference. Challenge yourself. Have enemies for reasons you know for sure.

10. If you find yourself in deep shit, and of which makes you think twice about whether you know yourself or not; you just have to think hard, ponder hard, go find answers and see things from different perspectives. So repeat all steps from #1.





You do realize this is crap, right?

Distractions: menantikan penempatan

I really need something to distract myself, you know. Change is good. Change is nice. Waiting is not, though. It kills slowly; the more you wait, the more you become anxious. But oh well. It's just about time walking; it was never slow or fast. It was always about us, really. If you know what I mean. There's nothing we can do about it.

Except: distractions.

Every decision is pending. All options seem so blurry. It's like life has to wait for this letter/news. Well, life do has several transition phases. And this sure aint the first one. So why am I so nervous? But of course. We're not 17 going on 18 anymore.



Fear is something good. It makes us alert. To a certain extent, of course. We just have to make sure we're not paralyzed by it.

pointless but not photoless ;)

The whole 2009 I had been taking random pictures, hoping that I would remember this year more clearly once it left me. Well, I didn't manage to really capture EVERY vital moment, but... hurm menyesal... There are some moments that I wish I did capture in camera.

And due to my lack of visual items accompanying my previous entries here in my blog *most of the time I'd be all about words only* today, I'd like to make an entry; pointless, but nonetheless 'filled' with photos.

Lagipun, aku bosan.. mak aku kata, kalau aku bosan, aku sendiri punya salah, tak pandai nak entertain diri. So, aku ciptalah kerja; browse through album aku, ambil semua gambar-gambar 'pointless' ni. These photos reminds me of so many things but are too 'empty' to be uploaded to my fb account, so, here they are.


the view of the Gardens. the place where I would not buy my things from. I couldn't.


a view out from the windows of the classes up on Tower Block. That's Menara Telekom.


Oh yes, teachers-to-be vandalize government's property too.


My 'work' place when I still had the post-it-project fever.


Teh ais at canteen, paling besh aku rasa.


The rainbow umbrella. I forgot whose it is. But this is at Atik's.

Nurul made a really nice status just now. She said Ponny wished her to have rainbow-filled days; sunshine+rain... happy days+inevitable rough days=life. so comforting. in a way.


a view of a building in the making. this place reminds me of the view when I was waiting for clyde and where, nearby, he taught me how to ride the motorcycle


this one I took when I was waiting for him too. he went to fetch something at the other block


this one, he drew for me to stick inside my transparent file


and this one, I wrote as big as I can inside my notebook, took a picture and sent it through mms. to clyde of course.

Actually, the thing that triggered me to do this entry is Aizat, Syafiq and Myto's project video documentary on IPBA. I got the chills watching it. Maybe I still can't believe that that (undergrad life) is over. But I know I'm gona keep the memory. ;)

I'm putting on a bullet proof vest

Was thinking of updating the blog with something else totally just now. But decided that that should wait. There will be a more suitable time for that.

...typed something but deleted it again.

...typed something else more; but decided that it's a 'no' too.

Fine. I let one out: "I miss clyde so much"

OKaay. I'll keep everything else to myself [for now], I promise. SO. Love art-blog hopping, especially for the motivation to create one myself. usually it'll star from Imaginsm Studio's Blog or DeviantArt. But one of my friends introduced me to another site to start from. Nice~ So, hop, hop, hop I go.

Other than that...bought new gears for drawing; drove the hilux around and around again *I feel the power* yeay; staying out of trouble; trying to make everyday meaningful with the cohortblog, trying to stay in touch with the world through FB, helping around the house(s), teaching kids English and just try to be more of an adult by saying lesser things and try to let go some of the old feelings. It was a heavy burden all these while, anyway--those feelings. Blekh. If you want to keep on carrying it, go ahead.

Other than that, I try not to care much like I used to. I worried too much about other stuffs until my own world almost collapsed. Tsk. So I'm putting on a bulletproof vest and I'm venturing out.

[...] *stuck at the 'door'*. I don't really know how I'm gona 'venture out', but the thought makes me feel so motivated so I'm sticking it in my head. Yeah!

I wish I have this in the garage to venture out~

Gambar tiada kena mengena dengan entry.

Follow the White Rabbit... and of course, it was the black kitten's fault!

All of my books (story books) are probably on the sea now. Or maybe at some port, waiting to sail. Hurm it’ll take more weeks for them to see me, or me-them.

All but one. One which I save for my holidays. My still most loved book: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Charles Lutwidge Dodgson/ pen name: Lewis Carroll. A 1954’s addition, bought in early 2008 off TradeMe. I didn’t even save my sketch book, nor my pens; I really don’t understand why, now that I think about it. Maybe I was a bit off on the day of packing those boxes.

Anyway, this book accompanied me during the flight (and flights before this) and my holiday days up until now. Even I read it again and again; it never fails to make me stick. And the way all the nonsense going on in the ‘story’, I also never fail to just let go of the book whenever I wanted to stop and do something else.

You see, this is a very important feature for a good read (for me who has very short attention span). Because, if I read a book that is too engaging, I would never stop and I’d probably end up spending the whole day or many days just to finish it. But not with this book.

And one thing that I love about the story is that, as I read on, I kept thinking, THIS IS NONSENSE. It’s crazy, it’s all such a mess! It is, in fact, adventure. And it won’t stop make me wonder what it really is. What the story is really telling. What is actually going on in Carroll’s mind when he wrote this? The wonders, I say... He was anyway also a mathematician.

The story’s reference to a deck of cards (Wonderland) and to a playing of chess (Looking Glass) are merely some of the evidence that there really is more to the story line than just Alice’s dreams on lazy and boring afternoons.

Well, there’s so much analysis of the story (both stories) that we can find nowadays. I’ll take my time interpreting the story myself first while I read those other analysis and interpretations bit by bit. Starting from Google and Wiki, so much to read about...

And there's so many adaptations and other works of art that are inspired/influenced by this book. I remember being so excited when I first knew that Mr. Burton will make one too; a live-action movie out of the story, sort of, more of an extension story as said. And I remember seeing a poster; and get all excited showing it to Clyde. And today I bumped on to the trailer again so I want to share it. Maybe you’ve watched it. But s'what.



And I wanted to share this part ...
...taken off from Chapter 5: Wool and Water (Through the Looking-glass). Maybe we can learn something from it.

‘Only it is so very lonely here!’ Alice said in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks.

‘Oh, don’t go on like that!’ cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. ‘Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you’ve come to-day. Consider what o’clock it is. Consider anything, only don’t cry!’

Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears. ‘Can you keep from crying by considering things?’ she asked.

‘That’s the way it is done,’ the Queen said with great decision: ‘nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let’s consider your age to begin with—how old are you?’

‘I’m seven and a half exactly.’

‘You needn’t say “exactually”, ‘ the Queen remarked: ‘I can believe it without that. Now I’ll give you something to believe. I’m just one hundred and one, five months and a day.’

‘I can’t believe that!’ said Alice.

‘Can’t you?’ the Queen said in a pitying tone. ‘Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.’

Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said: ‘one can’t believe impossible things.’

‘I dare say you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen.

…..

Really, read between the lines. Not because you’re trying to be a douche, but surely, there’s much to read there than just those words. Too much to learn from just a short excerpt.

Believe me.
*Cheshire-cat-grin*
Good luck!

Conclusion part 3 (moving on..well)

x=y, y=z, therefore x=z

Life is not as simple as mathematics. Owh how hard it is to accept that fact. I know it. But to truly believe in it and act based on the belief of that is so much harder.

I wish I can babble more about this. But every time I typed something, I’ll cancel it out. Bearing in mind some people who might read this.

But life is good. Life is good to me. I wish I can give more goodness to people, help people as I walk pass their lives. But not everything will be perceived as how we wanted it to be. There’s too much misinterpretation.

Still, though there’s always a slight glitch here and there—life still is good to me.

Sometimes I wonder, it is just so wrong that I felt this guilt to show that I am happy. To write about how happy I am. It is just not fair. But what is fair? What is right? What is wrong? And every discussion leads us to the subjectivity of these concepts again and again.

And so I left it there. I just hope (sincerely hope with all my heart) that everyone could see that life is good…

Hey! Look at this picture.



This life is good enough for me.

I'll appreciate what I have and I'll respect what I don't.

Conclusion Part 2 & Side project: Schoolmatterstome

Yeah. I guess I’m still not out of the transition phase. I am sorry. I cannot distract myself from this emptiness I felt now that I’m far away from the one life I once have.

But …yeah…yeah.. I’ll try my best.

I mean, I know right? I need to really move on now.

But home is sooo comfy~ I don’t know how to be on my feet. The life of a total ‘bambung’! Meaning unemployed adult in Sandakan *as far as I know*… is such a bliss at times when I ignored the feeling of emptiness and the need to do something else than ‘doing’ the internet. Hekhekhekhek

I mean, come on. Don’t blame me. I can’t move on with the uncertainty of where I’ll be posted… Excuses.

Btw… here’s something.


[link]

I think it’d be great to reconnect us and keep us connected (the fellow monkeys of TESLians, cohort 3, cycle 2, IPGMKBA). Also to “…have a blog where we share news and updates or stories related to teaching in general or personal experience specifically those related to the profession or education...”

ps. thanx Bobby Long for the heaps of contribution in making the site better. and to those who joined in. more people please! :D let's make this work. ;)

Conclusion (part 1 and a half)

I’ve been staring at this screen for awhile now… writing drafts after drafts … trying to create a written text of something that might really portray my feelings for the inevitable ending to our undergrad life.

But I don’t get any satisfaction from those previous drafts. This is my fourth one.

First and foremost, I sincerely am thanking each one of the hundreds of lives that touched mine throughout the entire five and half years. I can imagine in my head of those faces… Not just the IPBArians but also the WELLINGTONians that somehow are the catalysts of where I am standing now and who I am inside out.

To write those entire people's names here would be absurd. So, I’d do my thanking with this method. If you are reading this; try to answer these questions in your own heads:

1. Have you ever converse with me? *face to face, texting and chatting and commenting and calling are accepted* or even said a simple ‘hi’ once or twice to me?
2. Have you ever talked about me?
3. Have you ever hate/love me?
4. Do you still hate/love me?

If you say ‘yes’ to more than two of those questions, then know this—I am; in my deepest understanding of humility and love, saying that I love you, no matter who you are; and I thank you with all my heart because—you, in some ways, have touched my life and made me who I am today. Though I am not proud of this self that I become, but I dare say I am someone and you made that happened.

And to my lecturers (ipba or Victorian) who probably wouldn’t say ‘yes’ to any of those questions, and who most probably wouldn’t read this anyway; I still want to say: I love you. Every time I passed by you guys, or listen to you giving lectures or simply talking in front of us (your students), you all make my heart melt to the ground and made me so humble to imagine the uncountable knowledge you have passed to us. *in the occasions of me with a straight mind*

Haih.. the yearning…And I kept thinking of a conclusion. And the conclusion is?

I love undergraduate life. The period of which we can (to a certain extent) live in blissful life as an ignorant. The time when immaturity is still, in some ways, forgivable. And also the time when dramas are still bearable.

Conclusion for final year:

For most of my life, I was pretty sure of my stand and perceptions and beliefs and self-made theories that I developed in my mind; as the effect from the circumstances I had been through. But this year, all of these—everything that I have, is challenged. For real. Hardcore style.

For example: I crapped a lot about seeing things from other people’s perspectives and about my ability to empathize. But the ugly truth was unfolded: when the worst situations came, I realized I am not good enough in those things. I realized how much it is hard to do; a lot harder than to make people understand about them.

Another example: another ugly truth was—I wasn’t really aware of my high ego and my inability to trust and my tendency to see (only) the worst case scenario of basically everything that happened to me or related to me… tsk..

And my realization of this ugly truth were only possible with the existence of a few ‘new’ characters in my life this year, and a few ‘old’ characters that just played different parts in this phase of my life... so thank you..thank you…

ARGHH! This is still not good enough! But what the heck. I’ll post this one.

Thank you, thank you..

Conclusion (part 1)

and i kept thinking. all the things that should have been. all the things that could have been. and the things that, perhaps, shouldn't have happened.

but these thoughts wouldn't take me anywhere. neither would you, in this case. so why are we still thinking about 'em.

one foot is already out the door. maybe we should move forward. go on. march forward. maybe later in our lives, we'll look back and say "ive done what i could, i got what i deserve. and i gone thru that sh.."

selamat bercuti. selamat memulakan satu lagi bab baru. semoga berjaya semua. Terima kasih banyak-banyak, kepada semua ..dan mintak maaf jugak..kepada semua...

B. Ed TESL, Cohort 3, Cycle 2. (2004-2009)

Buai laju-laju, sampai pokok sana, apa dalam hati, niat seikhlas-ikhlasnya: ingin belajar dari masa lampau

Ya. Aku tengah off task dari assignment dan study untuk KISSMe.

Hujung minggu lepas aku mendapat peluang untuk sekali lagi melawat negeri Johor. Antara negeri terawal yang aku jejak di semenanjung ni beberapa tahun lepas.

Kami berempat masa itu. Pergi ke tepi laut. Bau laut banyak mengingatkan aku pada harbour Wellington. Dan semua yang terjadi di situ. Sekejap-sekejap, I swore I was on a bench at Queen’s Wharf looking out to the sea and the ‘floating world’ on it.

Tapi itu bukannya penting.

Yang aku ingin kongsi di sini ialah saat-saat yang mana aku duduk di buaian. Aku boleh merepek tentang detailnya perasaan aku masa itu. Tapi aku skip kepada part ini: Ada dua budak lalu di depan aku. Satu lelaki: umur lebih kurang 5-6 tahun. Satu perempuan: umur 3-4 tahun.

Budak lelaki itu (aku assume abang) tengah jalan dan budak perempuan itu (therefore, assumed adik) sedang pegang sedikit hujung baju abang sebagai guide adik untuk berjalan. Jadi lebih kurang macam keretapi.

adik naik atas satu buai. Pendek kakinya. Terpaksa abang tolong. Lepas tu abang tolak adik supaya buai mula menghayun. Ke depan. Ke belakang. Ke depan. Ke belakang lagi. Lagi. Abang tolak kuat sikit, tapi tak kuat sangat; nanti adik jatuh sebab tak dapat seimbangkan badannya yang kecil dan ringan.

Lepas abang rasakan daya hayunan buai tu sudah cukup-cukup, abang berhenti tolak. Abang berdiri di tepi buai saja. Sambil main yo-yo, abang nyanyi untuk adik.

Habis aku pun berhenti main buai tengok scene ni. Tiada lah terharu sangat pun. Biasa saja. Cuma tersentuh. Sebab teringat abang aku sendiri. As been written here somewhere before, this person’s role in my life is the biggest. Even bigger than the Iron Lady’s influence—in some ways I can’t explain. *sebenarnya malas*

Sekarang ni, bila aku fikir balik, masa awal-awal dulu *kecik-kecik* dia banyak ‘ambil’ tempat bapak aku. I looked up to him too much. Padan pula masa tu, dia pun tak betul lagi. Tapi aku berbangga dengan pencapaian dia sekarang. Tinggi—biar ikut standard kita saja pun, kan? Aku kesah apa. Yang penting, aku tau Bang Amin di jalan yang betul. Kalau sudah kiblatnya betul. Heee~

Bila ingat fasal childhood, banyak soalan naik. Soalan-soalan yang; makin aku dewasa, semakin aku keliru—aku lebih faham kah sekarang? Aku sudah malas kah untuk menjawab/ mencari jawapan? Aku sudah dapat let go kah?

Lepas itu, aku fikir:

Did we try to fill in the empty void our child selves had experienced? Did the emptiness became a black hole that tried to suck in everything in our lives, therefore instead of being an emptiness that can be filled up, it became a hungry monster that will eat up everything else—leaving nothing behind. Then, there’s no hope for a fresh start.

Except when we are strong enough to change that emptiness and black hole into still photos of remembrance. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just pieces of thin and shiny papers. That reminds us of the incidents and everything else related. But it won’t hurt us. Not anymore. Only then that we can start somewhere: a new beginning.

Tapi childhood ialah perkara besar untuk let go. And you just brought me back in time with one spin. Kita cuba saja lagi. Jatuh, berdiri lagi.

this is good enough.

Love, Love is a verb. Love is a doing word.

And the smallest action of flapping wings of a butterfly in a faraway continent can cause a massive change in the climate in another...

We witnessed and gone through the massive impact of the smallest actions... I wonder where we go to after that. Wonder what should we do after that.

"Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath"

Ange(r/l)...

But please
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
Perfect

So far,
I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was

We always were so free
We promised we'll be perfect.

Perfect. Smashing Pumpkins.

graduan(?)

Apparently, we will reflect more positively about our school years as we grow older; I read that somewhere. Short term memory bank isn't really maintained that well.

But I guess it’s true.

So maybe, I’ll reflect more positively about what had happened for the past five and half years of my degree when I reach somewhere in my mid thirties. Or forties. I guess. Right now? Blekh.

Congratulations kepada semua rakan-rakan se-batch sebab sudah boleh digelar graduan. Kalau rasa nak hukum diri dengan pencapaian class, ingat lah evaluation dan grading kita memang complicated. Yang di label sebagai pandai tak semestinya orang yang cemerlang di kehidupan pekerjaan nanti. Dan yang di label sebagai kurang pandai tidak semestinya tidak cemerlang nanti.

Nama pun hidup. Cliche lah hendak ulang semua frasa yang orang selalu ungkapkan fasal asam garam hidup, naik turun 'tangga', menang kalah 'pertandingan', pahit manis rasa 'makanan hidup'.

Ala. Basically, kau orang pun tahu semua fasal ini. Jadi, sudah lah.


saja. men-ca-pub. aku rindu rambut ini.

Aih..rindu juga ketenangan dan 'keempukkan' Welly. Cuaca sejuk suam kuku, persekitaran yang tenang tak kecoh tapi tak sunyi, yang asing tapi seperti terlalu biasa; seperti rasa diri berada di tempat yang sepatutnya.

Macam sekarang juga mungkin. Dunia sudah senyap tidur. Macam aku sendiri saja. Masih jaga mengira dan merancang strategi mengubah diri. Tapi merealisasikan macam haram susah. Mungkin keadaan ini yang mengingatkan aku rasa perasaan masa di Welly dulu.

Asalnya entry ini sepatutnya pendek dan tiada hala tuju tetap dan tiada signifikan.
sekarang entry ini sudah panjang tapi masih; ciri kedua itu masih kekal. tiada hala tuju signifikan.



Yang ini lebih tidak signifikan. Aizat cuba membuktikan aku serupa dengan kambing biri-biri. Tak apa lah.

Kuat Lemah Perempuan Lelaki

I am no feminist. At least I think I am not. My limited understanding of the term made me refuse from agreeing to tag myself with such label.

But I never see women as helpless creatures. I have been raised to see how powerful women can be. And I am, after all, mothered by a very strong (at heart and physically as well) lady.

1) Men, Women.

Because I have seen that no matter how irrational women seem to men (who feel that they are the most rational being), fact ONE: *in the current state of time* men could not live without women is far truer than fact TWO: “women could not live without men”. This does not have to be a bad thing. Nor am I implying that it is a good thing.

But why would I see it that way, anyway? Because of a simple excuse, really: I’ve seen more women and fewer men surviving broken marriages without remarrying. And for “broken” here I mean in cases when the spouse died or lost or divorced or any matters that left the other spouse ‘behind’. And if it’s the women who were left behind it would be usually includes the children too; and most of the time with no money.

Though, of course, the actual truth is that we need each other to survive—in a more general perspective. I hold to the belief that men and women are not equal but the lacks of each other completes the ever ready awesomeness of God’s creation.

2) Women: the catalysts

Back to the first thing in my mind: I don’t think women as helpless creatures who would ALWAYS need assistance. The beauty of gracefulness is in its power of independence; being capable of taking things into her own hands and knowing when to turn her face down humbly and knowing when to hold her head up high. *so not me... sigh*

I have heard of stories when women affected an entire era, when women are the icon of revolutions, when women mothered children to grow and be some of the most powerful people in the world. And I have experienced firsthand how powerful a woman can be—from the eyes of a learning daughter.

Proud to be a woman?

But through these eyes also I have seen how women can be the cause of the disruption of an entire empire. The cause of endless troubles. The cause for damages beyond repair. Of the little ‘homes’? Or ‘my own little empire’, if you know what I mean. Dad? Still, doesn’t that show how powerful women can be? How we are capable of so many things without any assistance?

Then we say “maybe I put too much emphasize that we could be responsible of such negative things”. We are not the cause for so much negative effects (?)—then maybe I should use lesser ‘serious’ word for us: we are, therefore, “just” the catalyst. Maybe that should make us feel better. Uhuh.

3) The helpless and the flawed

Alas, through these eyes also I saw some women portraying only how helpless they are to the race of men. But who am I to judge how some of us wanted to appear in other people’s eyes. And who are we to decide what everyone sees in us through our actions; because different eyes see differently and different lips decides different names as labels for even one sole action.

Having said all these, I am by no means implying that I am the perfect woman. I am flawed as I am supposed to be. I am weak at times when I am weak and I am strong at other times when I am not weak. I am as ever and as everyone else is—just human. These flaws are meant to be so that it would always remind me that I need to always make never-ending efforts to better myself; and also to remind me of the One, and the Only.

4) The hopelessness of my helplessness

Reflecting back to my past, I have had times when I was forced to handle everything on my own. So much power on my own life that I forgot how to ask for help. Sombong. Yes. At times I might have seemed too arrogant of a woman. Sometimes, to me, a helping hand might seemed like an act to degrade me.

But on the contrary, here I am, fearing that I am too comfortable—now that I have someone to lean on to. Someone who’d do almost anything to ensure that I know he’s there for me. He made me believe all his help for me is no help at all—instead, it is actually his responsibility in the first place.

I forgot to ask for help again, but this time it’s not because I was doing everything on my own but because asking is not needed anymore. This transition has sometimes left me wondering and left me confused with the issue of who is driving my life?

Because at some point I was afraid that I would not know how to do anything without him anymore. Now that I fear this, am I a helpless woman?

5) You and my hopefulness

I would like to believe that I am still this woman *or girl, still, maybe* that is so strong that she doesn’t need a man’s help. I would like to believe that I am not a helpless girl. I told myself I wasn’t. I am not. I am strong and I am enough of two hands, two feet and a head.

But damn I still need you. I want you. Because I know no matter how strong I am, you help make me stronger. You’ll help make me much more stronger. Because my perception of ‘us’ didn’t change since the moment I decided that there should be an ‘us’: I can learn something from this guy. And I did, I am and I will learn much more with you.

6) Kesimpulan:

Lelaki sekuat lelaki berhati besi,
Perlu Hawa disisi hati melengkapi diri.

Wanita segagah berkorban separuh nyawa,
Perlu Adam penyara, pembimbing rasa.

Begitu, malam punya siang sebagai pengajaran,
Teringat; mulut ikut hati sampai berat sesalan.

Jika tuan tinggal, tiada tuan menemani,
Tiada semangat diri, sekuat hati besi.

Oleh itu, atas kesedaran diri punya falasi sendiri,
Hamba meminta maaf, harap ampun diberi.

Kesimpulan sisi: Perempuan, tolong lah. Tolong lah. Tolong, please...

Why we’ll fight over a dirty sink

To further understand this entry, please refer to HIMYM fifth season, episode—I forgot which episode but it’s when Barney thought Lily and Marshall were getting a divorce because he witnessed firsthand that Marshall washed his own dishes right away.

Why we (referring to a couple in a relationship/marriage) will fight over a dirty sink? 'Simple', because we are in a relationship. The combining and relating of two different beings with different set of expectations, principals and beliefs…tentunya susah…sometimes I almost believe that it’s impossible—like oil and water.

But other times; I am hopeful. And that is why we stay together. That ‘other half of us’ lights up our hopeful side.

To be truthful, though I am on cloud nine at the moment, I am sick of writing and talking and thinking about relationships. But heck, we are either in it, wishing that we are in it, despise being in it or trying to ruin someone else’s ‘it’; so why not waste another hour or two or my whole night writing and thinking about it. Because I couldn't really sleep anyway.

Situation 1. A Jack and a Jill. Loves each other, no doubt about it. Say that they live together *jangan la buruk sangka, sudah kahwin mereka ni. Suami isteri sah* and for Jill, she hates a dirty sink. It matters so much to her that the sink stays clean, especially when she wakes up in the morning. So, it's annoys her that Jack refuse to either help her clean it, or do his own dishes right away.

Why would that matters so much for her? For most girls, I believe that you feel her, right? But let’s keep her reasons for wanting a clean sink unstated. Because I assume, most guys do not really understand why. Especially Jack—her husband.

Okay. With the example of a sink (dirty or clean) we already have a situation in which there is a probability for misunderstanding to occur: Jill really gives a shit if the sink is dirty, Jack doesn’t. And he doesn’t understand why Jill cares about it so much. While Jill doesn’t understand why Jack couldn’t understand.

Paham kan?

Situation 2.*now let’s use a scene in The Break Up as an example* one night, there’s a little family gathering for dinner at their house. After everyone left, Gary jumps straight to playing his video game. Brooke wanted to clean the kitchen *and the sink* right away so she can go to sleep and wake up to a clean sink.

*lebih kurang la, aku lupa dialog sebenar* She said I am going to clean the kitchen. He said okay. She said, well, I’d love if you help me out. He said wait, let me finish with this one blablabla. And so, then and there started the fight. A classic scene.

Coming back to the question why we’ll fight over that dirty sink. A dirty sink matters so much to Brooke. But it doesn’t to Gary.

Brooke expects Gary to willingly (out of his love for her) offer to help her do something that matters so much to her: clean the dirty sink.

Gary—just came back from a tiring job just wanted to relax and do his favourite thing: playing his game, expects that Brooke will do all the work on her own because she didn’t work as hard as he did (she worked at an art gallery).

It’s obvious, right? The different expectations? I can’t say that it is one or the other’s fault to have their expectations as they do. Having expectations is inevitable. I’ve talked about this in my previous entry.

But one way or the other, because of those expectations and different thoughts; we’ll fight.
But somehow, if we understand that some things matters so much for our spouses even though we don’t understand them, and we, as their loved ones should support them, we could lessen the ugliness of our fights.

Situation 3. Another example is Barney’s analogy of wanting the replica of the Sistine Chapel to be painted on their (his and Lily's; if Lily is married to him) ceiling. (Somehow this example is similar to the example brought up by the couple in The Break Up too). If he wanted it, does that make it her job to paint it? Similar to the dirty sink—if she wanted a clean sink, or hate a dirty sink; does that make it his job to clean it?

Of course in all ways, it does not. But because it matters so much to the girl that the sink is clean, she expects him to help. On the other hand, she knows that if painting babies on the ceiling matters so much to him, she’ll help out. Because that is what couples do—to share the burden and to care even for the considered-as-pointless things. Because that is what commitment is about.

And then please refer to Barney’s further elaboration over the silly dishes: “look, I love you..but baby, with the little energy I have left after work, I wana shower you with looovveee..not wash some silly dishes”..

With that; I can say two things.
One. Lily (as the representation of most women these days) works too. With the little energy left after a day’s work, she could still clean the house, cook dinner, and shower him with looovveeee..why can’t he help out a little with the dishes?
Two. To shower her with love, Barney can wash the dishes. Through that, she’ll feel extra loved. Not just through his actions on bed.

Aku ingat aku hendak bebelkan fasal nasihat macam mana nak kurang kan bergaduh –distracted tengok Radiohead perform Paranoid Android. Ketinggalan ka kalau aku masih rasa ini lah master piece diorang? Tak apa lah. Balik kepada fasal tadi, aku sedar yang point entry ini bukan lah untuk aku bagi tips bagaimana kurangkan pergaduhan. Aku tak layak.

Jadi aku rasa, fasal gaduh itu, aku sudah tidak dapat tolong. Aku cuma nak illustrate kenapa 'kita' boleh gaduh kerana sinki yang kotor. Kesimpulan: sebab aku kesah apa yang kau tak kesah, kau nak aku tak kesah apa yang kau tak kesah, aku tak kesah apa yang kau nak kesah, kita tak kesah apa yang orang lain kesah.

Lalu kita berkesah-kaseh-han.
Sebab sy sayang kmu.

Cerita ceriti kerepek karut ni boleh diaplikasikan dalam hal-hal lain selain dirty sink. Duh.

sendiri punya badan.

Aku rasa dah lama aku tak layan music yang betul-betul layan. Bole kau percaya. Orang addicted dengan sound macam aku *kerek bodo* boleh lupa satu benda yang selama ini jadi passion aku? Aku pun ta taw apa sudah jadi dengan aku tahun ni. Sudah nak habes pun, November…

Apa-apa la.

Aku tengah layan concert Radiohead kat Saitama tahun lepas punya. Kembang kempis hidung aku, kembang kempis hati aku sekali…

Aku sayang Radiohead, tapi kenapa aku boleh tinggal diaorang? Aku sayang melukis, tapi kenapa aku boleh berhenti hiatus lama? Aku suka merepek di blog aku dengan perkara-perkara yang aku rasa penting, tapi aku tulis sekerat dua saja sekarang, kenapa? Aku sayang gitar aku, tapi kenapa aku biar dia berhabuk? Kenapa?

Begini lah manusia. Kadang-kadang kita ambil ringan diri kita sendiri. Aku tak nak la cakap pasal orang lain sebab aku tak tau sangat. Yang aku tau diri aku sendiri. Sekarang aku tengah waras, boleh la aku cakap, boleh la aku nak nilai diri sendiri elok-elok. Dan kesimpulan daripada penilaian aku ialah:

Kadang-kadang aku tak sayang diri sendiri dengan mengabaikan diri sendiri. Aku tak jaga benda yang aku sayang yang berkaitan diri sendiri. Asyik fikir pasal orang-orang yang aku sayang. Itu orang lain. Lain cerita. Tapi aku kena la ingat yang aku kena sayang diri sendiri jugak.

Jadi aku patut ingat yang, ada benda-benda dan aktiviti-aktiviti yang aku suka buat yang buat aku connect balik dengan diri sendiri. Mungkin aku gelabah, mungkin aku goyah. Sampai aku rasa aku hilang diri sendiri. Mungkin lain kali, kalau aku rasa begitu, aku boleh baca entry ini kembali.

Wahai diri, pergilah connect balik dengan diri sendiri. Biarpun tak da mood, paksa-paksa sikit, lama-lama baru ingat betapa sayangnya aku dengan benda-benda ni. Bila sudah connect balik dengan diri sendiri, baru tau kaki bertapak di mana, kepala di bawah langit mana. Baru tau tangan boleh cecah sampai mana. Baru boleh tau di mana boleh diperbaiki—diri sendiri.

Ambil iktibar la dari aku. Itu pun kalau kau paham.

ps.Thanx to Nab(+team jamming) n Lorek(+team nari), aku dapat re-connect dengan dua benda yang aku sayang sekarang.

pantun tak berkualiti berkaitan cabai dan manusia

sedang makan tertelan cabai,
lalu pedas tahap tersengal,
macam-macam karenah perangai,
panjang masa budi dikenal.

cabai pun cabai, saja dibalun,
biar peluh memang disuka,
beginilah sudah berjiran bertahun,
berbalah bermusuh bermuka-muka.

tertelan cabai sampai berpeluh,
masa melabur penat meneran,
sungguh sedih perasaan seluruh,
dunia sekadar menilai luaran.

cibai dimakan lagi katanya esok,
biarpun serik rasa mulanya,
yang cantik/baik, sopan/bersongkok
pastikah bukan biawak/buaya?

satu yang penting: semua sama
manusia baik/buruk perkara biasa
kenapa kesimpulan senteng saja
kenapa cabai pula yang terasa?

ps. mungkin akan dibaiki lagi.

ps2. mana pergi menghilang fikiran ?

ps3. It takes two to tango. When there are three, four or more (as some would have liked it, God knows why) it would be more of an unfair and pointless street fight where everyone is drunk. Metaphorically, that is.
So, why the hell do we still wana be drunk and fighting?

post: i lost count

"Only the following items should be considered to be grave faults:

1. not respecting another's rights
2. allowing oneself to be paralyzed by fear
3. feeling guilty
4. believing that one does not deserve the good or ill that happens in one's ife
5. being a coward

We will love our enemies, but not make alliances with them. They were placed in our path in order to test our sword, and we should, out of respect for them, struggle against them.

We will choose our enemies."

----Paulo Coelho

Maybe I'll babble more about that later. It should be fun.

"but it's a taaalllkkkiinggg doooggg!!" (Up, 2009)

Banyak orang, cakap banyak benda, dalam banyak cara dan gaya, masa banyak hari pada aku. Ada yang aku ingat. Ada yang aku lupa. Ada yang langsung aku tak ambil peduli. Bila fikir balik cakap-cakap yang aku tak ambil peduli itu, aku rasa sedikit rugi.

Sebab, bila kita dengar apa orang cakap, banyak pulak tu, bukan la menunjukkan yang kita ni lurus bendul, atau bak kata Clyde “kamu dengar sangat orang cakap apa, susah”. Tapi bagi aku, lagi banyak kita dengar, lagi banyak kita boleh analisis. Pandangan dan pendapat orang. Sebab bagi aku juga, yang aku dengar, tak semestinya aku ikut.

Tapi paling kurang, aku mesti boleh belajar sesuatu dari cakap-cakap itu.

Antara banyak-banyak cakap itu, ada beberapa kerat cakap-cakap dari sedikit orang yang aku rasa sangat penting dan aku rasa relevan juga untuk dikongsikan dengan kau orang. Sebab sudah pukul tiga setengah pagi aku masih belum mengantuk. Tolonglah mata, penat lah.

Cakap-cakap dia orang *lebih kurang*:

• Iron Lady kata: Kalau kita rasa kita cukup bagus, maknanya kita tak cukup bagus lagi.
• Iron Lady's first son kata: Kalau betul-betul faham apa sebenarnya tujuan kita hidup, tak susah punya.
• Kawan 1 kata: Kalau susah, back to basics, Waz.
• Kawan 3 kata: Kawan tu umpama bintang. Tidak terlihat pun, tapi sentiasa ada.
• Kawan 15 kata: Kau ni bodoh.
• Kawan4.3 kata: Kau sabar saja. Jangan berhenti berusaha.
  
• Kawan 2 kata: Perempuan cantik punya kelebihan ialah dia punya lebih banyak pilihan berbanding perempuan kurang cantik.
• Cikgu best 5 kata: Mana ada panas! Saya pakai neck-tie ini betul-betul pun. Siap pakai blazer. Kalau fikiran kata panas, panas lah. Cuba macam saya; fikir sejuk saja, jadi saya rasa sejuk. *sedang berpeluh-peluh*
  

Itu cakap-cakap mereka; lebih kuranglah. Macam mana cakap-cakap dia orang itu boleh buat aku befikir, aku harap macam itu lah ia dapat buat kau orang berfikir juga.

Yang lain-lain banyak orang dalam hidup aku memang banyak lagi cakap-cakap. Tapi aku tak dapat nak rumuskan jadi ayat pendek yang paling penting dalam cakap-cakap dia orang yang banyak itu. Jadi susah aku nak tulis. Excuses. Ceh. Sebenarnya, memang tak ingat sangat.

Buat masa ini, Clyde dan Kawan-dari-Kryptintin paling banyak cakap-cakap kat aku. Seronok kadang, sakit hati kadang. Tapi banyak boleh aku belajar.

Okayh. Aku dapat rasakan otak tersekat. Yeah!

Itu tanda akan tidur segera.

Kerap menulis ni cuma menandakan betapa aku sedang mengabaikan artwork aku yang baru separuh jalan aku mula baru itu hari. Aku patut buat deadline sendiri. Jumaat? Set.

pergerakan tanpa henti dalam keadaan menegak, ke arah atas hendaknya.

Sudah lama aku nyatakan mahu menulis pasal graviti kalau kau terbaca di salah satu atau dua entry ku sebelum ini. Jadi, hari ini diizinkan sudah.

Living in Wellington got me used to two things at least.

Firstly, walking in general. We go everywhere by foot. Except the too far away places, like Pak N Save or Kill-burn-nie *actually I forgot how it was spelled but that’s how it sounds, basically*. And we walk fast; as the locals trained us.

And the second one has to do with the reason why it was hard for us the Wellingtonions during the few early weeks there: the hills. So the second thing that we got used to was: walking up steep roads and stairs. Especially the steep hill on where the main campus is situated. And the steep stairs of short cuts too.

Walking up steep roads and stairs was as tiring as we all know; look at each others’ face when we climb that stair up to the academic building here in *P*A. Going down, on the other hand, was so easy that we could run or roll down like a big furry ball. Maybe exclude the furry.

Anyway, it’s science. The motion contradictory to gravity will need more force. Is that sentence correct? Sorry if it’s not. *excuses: (1) I learned physics in Malay (2) I l stopped learning it since almost 6 years ago.

So, gravity.

Let’s use our big imagination here. Imagine that you have this really looonggggg ruler, or whatever it is that can stand up straight. Well, this really long horizontal thing represents a continuum. The higher the level is, the more positive things will be. The lower the level is, the more negative things will be.

Whatever it is that you put on this continuum; your general opinion about your life, your trust to someone, your job-satisfaction, your self-confident, your knowledge, your Iman, it will most probably would not stay static. Some days they are up, some days they are down.

Common sense, yes, I know. But that’s not what I want to tell myself today—no, not where we put ourselves, or other things, along that continuum. I’d like to present to you today my reminder to myself about: the motion. The motion of either going up or going down.

Analogy: When we climb a hill, we climb for a reason. Maybe our house is on top of the hill, maybe we want to have a picnic there, maybe we want to jog up so that we could be fitter, maybe we simply want to conquer the top. But the motion going up is always hard. And it’s harder when we are not used to it.

Maybe on our way, we could get stuck. Resting, maybe. Talking to passers by who are apparently on their way going down. Got injured? Or just taking a minute or two to look at the breath-taking scenery.

Alas, suddenly we have to go down, even before we reach the top. Maybe because of the sudden change of weather. Sudden change of plan. Some business call. Nature’s call? Or anything else.

But at some point, let's say we do get to the top. We have the sense of achievement. Even then, still, there is a possibility that we could fall down. Or suddenly again we have to go down for the same or different reasons as the time when we’re on our way up, before we reach the top.

Or there’s even the possibility that once you reach the top, you realized, you haven’t actually reach the top—so you continue hiking.

See. The motion is endless. It’s unpredictable.

Applicable situation, EXAMPLE SAJA:
I have an aim. This aim is obviously a good one. People with bad aims and goals and dreams should be slapped. ‘cause I think s/he is not really in their senses. A positive aim would be somewhere higher on the continuum.

Darn. I need a concrete example. Let’s try that one more time.

Applicable situation, EXAMPLE SAJA:
I have an aim: to be somewhat a better person. I really don’t know where to start. But no matter what I do—it is inevitable to move on that continuum. Because it is not that we put ourselves on the continuum, it’s actually that we are already on it.

So, if I have the aforementioned aim I need to move upwards. And like any other 'hiking' experiences like walking that steep road to Kelburn Campus—it is hard. It is tiring. Not just that, at some point, I could have even forgotten my aim and I could lost my way.

At some other point, I could 'fall' (ie do something bad therefore the effort of being a better person is defeated). At some other--other point, I could even suddenly realized that I was back to square one; back to the place where I started, wherever that might be (ie being someone who is nowhere near ‘good’, let alone better..tsk).

But even if I convinced myself that I already reach somewhere higher and I thought I have reach that aim (of being a better person) I should have known that the key word is ‘better’ not ‘best’. Because the word ‘best’ will never suite with any of us, oh flawed human. So, there is no ‘top’ actually, and I should continue hiking.

So. The motion is endless. And it’s unpredictable. Oh wait. It does have an end. Our death. But as long as we’re breathing, the force of gravity will keep on going. Thus, we have to keep on being in motion because we simply cannot stop even if we want to due to that 'gravity'.

To illustrate, in the previous example: even if I decide that I am satisfied enough of how good a person I am (which should never be the case), the force will always find a way to bring me back down on the continuum. Or if I am already on the low level and think that I am at a good enough place, there'll always be a lower level and this force will never stop bringing me down; no matter how low I am already.

Thus because of this ‘gravity’ force, do remind ourselves that it is always harder to move upwards and easier to move downwards. Just because whatever it is on the positive end of this endless continuum, it will be always be on the higher level. Not lower.

Therefore maybe, with these thoughts in mind, we would be motivated enough to continue the effort to move in motion and chose the upward direction no matter how hard it is. Until one point, we'll get used to the hardship and hopefully, going against 'gravity' in this sense would not be so tiring anymore.

the jump. the fall?

Aku susah mau tidur. Mungkin juga aku sendiri tidak mahu tidur—cuma aku yakinkan diri aku yang aku tidak mampu untuk tidur selepas berusaha. Siapa tahu. Aku pun tidak tahu.
Yang aku tahu, aku tidak boleh tidur sekarang.

Jadi aku ada dua pilihan. (1) Baca buku sampai tertidur. (2) Baca berulang kali text terakhir Clyde yang memujuk aku, sampai tertidur. Kekurangan kedua-dua pilihan ini ialah, semasa membaca, hanya ada 40% kemungkinan untuk aku menjadi mengantuk dan tertidur. 60% lagi ada kemungkinan fikiran akan berlegar.

Ada banyak lagi cara lain untuk memaksa tidur sebenarnya. (3) Mengira kambing biri-biri di New Zealand. (4) Mengira dari nombor 100 ke belakang; 99, 98, 97… (5) Membayangkan perkara-perkara best untuk berlaku sambil ikat mata menggunakan kain *blindfolded*. (6) Berselawat. Mungkin itu patut jadi pilihan terawal.

Tapi semuanya mempunya kekurangan yang sama: fikiran aku akan cepat terlepas tanpa aku sedari. Sebagai contoh: *mengira: 1 biri-biri…2 biri-biri…(diringkaskan) 20 biri-biri..eh, aku baru ingat besok macam mana ya. Ada aktiviti apa sebenarnya esok? Och! Och! Where was I??* /contoh habis/

Oleh itu hanya satu cara untuk menyusunnya semula. Menceritakan sesuatu supaya aku terpaksa untuk menyusun fikiran aku supaya satu cerita itu terkeluar dalam bentuk tersusun. Coherent text can only be constructed by a coherent mind; thus by forcing myself to construct a coherent text, I also forced myself to rearrange my thoughts.

So, let me use this story, in particular, to help me. Perlukah intro sebegitu panjang?

I bungy-jumped once. Only once. Because I swore not to do it again; in my mind and in my heart. Though I was screaming “DAMN IT!! I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN! HOLIEE SHIEETT THAT FEELS GOOD!!” repeatedly while I was put down from dangling in the air, I really, actually, don’t mean what I was saying/screaming about... My excuse was: I would have done it again if it wasn’t so expensive. Chicken shit.

Here’s the story. The deal was to get on a crane and it will bring you up to—well, a really high level. The crane moves slowly and you could see the ground ‘taken’ from you inch by inch.

Between here (on the ground) and here (on top: 43metre high. Yes, ONLY, says you who is so courageous), I had lots of time to get my second thoughts. And I did. Before reaching the top, I was already on my knees, begging for the instructor to bring me back down ‘coz I don’t wana do this anymore.

At first he was trying to slow talk to me; saying you could do this or being scared is normal..and all. But I was persistent to call it off. So he said with more firm voice “you’re not making my job any easier”. Then I got more scared of him than the heights. So I tried to stand up.

Then, maybe he pitied me a bit so he said “just look on to the horizon, don’t think of the height, see how beautiful it is?”

*aha..aha…I motioned my head a bit in agreement*

“okay, this is how we’re gona do it, okay? Put both of your hands up..yeah..like that..*hands were gripping tightly to the walls*..no..no, just let it go..ggg..you have—to, just..yes. Let it go..like that”

* one hand grabs instructor's hand, not for flirting purpose. Please. Controlling my breath ‘coz I was pretty sure my heart was going to explode. Then he let go*



“now, I’m going to count to three and then you jump, okay?”

*was telling my self to focus on the horizon and thinking: how awful it would be if I don’t make this jump. So many cute guys from Auckland are down there watching me while waiting for their turn*

“one”


I felt his hand on my back, but I guess…whh

“two…”


I dint hear the “three”. He cheated. He pushed me off the cliff. I mean off the tower crane.
Damn it.


My face just got uglier and uglier in the photos after that. My brother had a really big laugh looking at the photos. But after that I did another 'extreme sport' activity or whatever you call it, named: Swoop. I enjoyed every second of that one. Though the height was pretty much the same. Why? Well, that's another story.


I just felt that I've written this in another entry before... have I?