dear ilham

dear diary,

i know they say i should be patient..
but i couldnt stop.
or i'd be crazy!!

i dont want to stop~
if i stop, id be krezieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

like i am now..im going krezieeee
coz i havent had any idea since yesterday~~~

blakh.

krazieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

im paranoid.
i dont wana b a failure anymore.

i wana do something n never stop

i wana do something that can make me happy even tho im not good at it...

i wana draw..i wana sing...i wana write!~~~

duhai ilham, turun la dari kayangan....


theres no words, no mental image, no flash cards, no nothing~!!!

i am empty!!!

please, please, please....come down to me, ideas...please..... i beg you..

we'll try to get over it

a friend is a bit low today...just thought i might try to cheer her up coz she cheered me up yesterday with some good song by hellogoodbye..
erm, this is "we'll try to get over it" by frkgod.not a famous artist but give it a listen, jackie.



to others, check out jackie's deviantart page.she's a great artist~!

the cost of money

my God, life stinks these days. so tiring.

ive given up the two dances. mangunatip n indian dance.i feel so shitty..so selfish coz i told them that i want to be in the team though im working. but then i realized, its not gona happen. im so full of shit. im sorry ila, enaz n other dancers.

but then i still have arus. coz they cant find a replacement for that. but then i have to ask for a day off from work for the rehearsal. this is hard for me coz im still new n just started work. Georgia's (my supervisor) face flash inside my head..damn...this is going to be ugly..but o well....i have to.this is perhaps my final participation on dancing. ooOO0000 i dont know..i love dancing u know...eff it.TRUCK TRUCK TRUCK!!

dannn....
ina rindu sai... :((

this is two things i upload on dA today.they r the same thing actually.just that this is for a contest
klik pic to view:



*this is before it is colored btw*



while this is *just the head* i cropped for FRKGOD.check him out.klik on the pic.


for the dA site klik here.

hurmm...~ i dont know what i need..more time?silly me.

for the money, i lost my time, my freedom to commit to other things that i love to do like dancing, i lost my friends, i lost my ability to procrastinate my assignments...

DAMN THE COST OF MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

babble

macamanabaakumautenang?akupelikbtulknp
akundatenang2duatigaharini.buatapapunaku
camtakut,nervous,sumala.camakupeliksamdiri
sendiri.adajakakumautakut2.buatkerjatakut,
buatassignmenttakut,pigikerjacucibangunantakut.
bukantakutapa.camrasandasenanghati.campelik2.
camperutsakit2sbbnervoustu.cammonaikpentas.
tgnpunsejuk2.kepalapening2.cammomarah.
cammonangis.ntahlapaladalampikiranku.kadang2
akurasamaumarasamajam.knpjalanlajusangatjam.
kejap2sdajam1.jam2.jam3.tuptupsudakenatdur,
kenabgn,kenamandi,kenabuathomework,kenabuat
lukisan,kenapkerja.bukanakundasukabuatsumani.
akusuka.mmgakuhepibuatsumani.tapiadajakhalyg
akurasatertinggal.akurasandacukup.sumapun
cukupakurasa.akupenakarasacamniakupunndatau.
kadang2akurasalagu2ygakudengarpuncamsalah.
cam,bukan2.bukan2niygakumaudengar.bukanniyg
akumaucakap.bukaniniygakumaulukis.bukanni.
bukan3.haihyooo.peningoooo.sekarangtghworkon
satuartwekni.temadiagritesque.utksatucontestjuga,
tapiadeyh.sikit2padam.skit2padam.last2akupun.
aih.biarjakla.akuterpaksasettlesamasatulukisan.
ntrusartlinekandia.warnaapapunakundataumacam
mana.na.tgk2.peluh2sejuksda.knpniwaznah.what
happenedtoyouha.aritudahokokdah.camtademasalah.
tibe2camni.siottol.apenisumenihhhh..............

FLOAT ON (live) by MODEST MOUSE

just came back from watching batman.
second row from the screen.
blakh.
but the movie..well....tsk3...

klik here! i command u!!

calm down, welly, honey...

i was tagged by someone in dA, its kinda fun doing the tag.
just wana share them here

the rules:
- Choose a singer/band/group
- Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group
- Tag 6 more people (let them know they've been tagged)

My band of choice is, sorry cant help it...:RADIOHEAD


1. Are you male or female?
Big Boots

2. Describe yourself.
I Might be Wrong

3. What do people feel when they're around you?
In Limbo

4. How would you describe your previous relationship?
Just

5. Describe your current relationship.
Inside My Head

6. Where would you want to be now?
Go to Sleep

7. How do you feel about love?
True Love Waits

8. What's your life like?
Jigsaw Falling into Place

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
How I Made My Millions

10. Say something wise.
Anyone Can Play Guitar

good bye n good night..i have to promote Sigur Ros' new album though...its beautiful...if u dont mind the unfamiliar language...unfamiliar to me anyway..i couldnt stand listening to songs that i cant understand the lyrics, till this came...im speechless...
go steal it if you have to.
thepiratebay!

my weekennddd!! yeah!!

yeah!

aih?tumoro, sunday..

damn...weekends come n go..but i appreciate weekends more now...got so tired working on weekdays (padan muke)..but thats the only way i could have money to buy more stuffs to experiment... anyhow, i promised a lot to my brothers to buy some stuffs n i promised my self i'd buy some for my mom too n hopefully i could buy some for my sister if she comes home n promise to be good to mom......blakh.....

cough's getting worst.flu getting well.
sai & me getting better... :">

and i uploaded another deviation
this is not the full deviation, plz klik for the full piece.

reference: some pics in some fashion mag
please critic and comment...i appreciate it if you (viewers) could point weaknesses n strengths or anything wrong with drawing which can help me improve..
but please be nice, im self-taught in portrait drawing..
thank you

THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH
ive been thinking a lot more about this lately...ive been thinking about this a lot since long ago but more3 lately..aku byk cakap, ko byk ckp, dia byk ckp, suma org ckp2.



haih..im getting older..
and more chicken shit everyday...


i really think we shouldnt have too much freedom in our speech..
i still think we shouldnt have too much of anything n thats including freedom..in speech in act in anything...burung yg bleyh terbang pun, kalau terbang tggi sgt, bole mampus ok...i am myself a living proof of too much freedom..


but then..
ONE: we live in a community..we r related to each other, no matter how close or how we dont know each other, we still r related.the fact that we are human leads to the fact that we are imperfect. the fact that we are imperfect leads to the fact that we make mistakes.mistakes that other people 'can' judge, criticize, tegurkan or anything if they may coz nothing can stop them (same as us to others)...

TWO: n the fact that we r human too means that we have feelings of different 'levels of toughness, roughness, softness, emoness, terase-ness...sometimes, even a simple sigh can make some people feel awkward, sad, or anything...maybe these are the over-critical people (maybe i am too) n then we'll hv the i-cant-care-less people..

so we take these two and we get=
when we talk or before we talk (say anything, fire ke, puji ke, comment ke), we should think.
how obvious is that.
and yet, we got broken hearts everyday for the things we say.

consider the listener, consider the topic, consider the consequence...
never underestimate the power of your slightest action

i said too many things that hurt too many people..n maybe thats y, too many things that people say hurt me back ...

im pure imperfection. n this is a silly topic.
but its worth thinking about.

the more obvious our mistakes, the more excuses we give...


tapi aku still rasa aku kene cakap certain things mase dulu!! jd for those things, aku tanak say sorry or tarik balek..hahahahahhahahahaha

oh before i go, reminder: this isnt me talking to fix things out there, this is my inner dialog.im talking to myself to make ME feel better..bukan nak nasihat2 org ye..a reminder for myself.

but then..its good to say "im sorry for the things that i shouldnt have said".....

time has a way to make it clear:Mr.Reznor

lurrrrvveee to have my own Cheshire cat!!
he (its a male!!) will be biggg like Totoro from Miyazaki's My Neighbor Totoro, even bigger if he wants to--
and he will have a Doraemon pocket!! which contains lotttssss offf awesome gadgets!!! --
then he'll have the Cheshire cat's grin, wittiness, and he's so knows so many things that he'll talk all sorts of things to me so i can know them too--
of course he can fly!!!he's not even walking, see?~ ---
and he got my Ladida's (teddycat) fur~~

klik3:



done my cheshire cat contest entry!! three days. ngow...been bz so i cant finish it in one day..huhu got a new job, more hours, more money to buy more art stuffs!! so excited!! hihi got some project ideas in my head, but money is all that worries me...so with the new job---all i can say is--hell yeah!!!!im gona go for it!!

urghh..never feel this so much alive! got so many things to do..i know im not doing things well, i mean, my work isnt any good, quality wise, but it makes me happy...maybe i should sell em like the other artists are doing..that'll be fun too..hihihi, then i'll be MORE happy..hihi

and..i chat wif my brother again last night.been talking a lot about MUSIC lately..so funn..dah lame tak cakap2 cam ni ngan bangmin :D yeyehhhh
so he promote some "oldtimer" people to me (klik on the names to read more, from wiki anyway.ahauuu)

heres one: sordid by
AMON TOBIN



heres another one *beware this video: explosive siottt*:second bad vibel by
AUTECHRE


and another one: Hljomalind by
SIGUR ROS


yet another one: i know you are but what am i? by
MOGWAI


and a few days ago he gave me a sample of his unfinished song...i was suppose to find words for it n then make a sound from my mouth for it..record it n send it to him..pretty exciting to do..but am not sure i am able to do it..hahahaha but it'll be fun..like experimenting around a science lab though you dont knw anything..hahaha then he also asked me to do an "artcover" for his "CD" hihihii nanti aku buat ya bangmin..:D :D fingers crossed, may his dreams come true at some point one day..yeayyyy~!

waaaa...all these music...im gona need to buy another ext hd.nak download bannyyyaaaakkkk lagiiii......aku akan bina satu arkib yg besar filled with all beautiful music before i come back to msia!! internet sungguh indah di sini..waahahahahhaa i am the pirate~~ hey, i bought some original stuffs ape...:P

nyways...do have a lovely day, people~

nin & fairytale

Items shipped on July 20, 2008:
Delivery estimate: August 25, 2008
1 package via Standard Int'l Shipping 1 of: The Slip [Limited Edition]

thats Nine inch nails' THE SLIP limited edition cd+dvd.
estimated to arrive here 25th of august????????damn...they better come sooner than that!! haihh..cant wait to get my hands on them!!!!250 000 copies for the whole world...rasa2, kedai2 kat nz ni akan ada order x? kalau la derang order, n then sampai lagi awal dari aku punye ni, pastu lagi murah, mst aku guling2 kan? NOT!! sebab, best perasaan membuat pre-order itu!hahahaha mintak2 aku punya numbered dgn number yg lawa la... cam 212121 atau 111111 atau 210286 atau 222222..hahahah apa2 jak la!!!wuhuuuuuu

yes.it is my way of wasting my money.
i can download things.(i already did actually). but its not satisfying enough~ and thats my excuse.:D :D :D

tiring day today.n tumoro will b another tiring day.
found a fairy tale book that costs $29.99. thats another way of wasting money.i'll see if luck's on my side tumoro n i'll buy that book too.im just so interested in all these fairytale stories.

ha..meh, merepek pasal fairytale

the first time i take deep interest in fairy tales was when i watched peterpan the movie again (live action, not animation), a couple of years ago, n i see it in a different way. n i notice, the story actually contains so much more than just about a boy who flies n never grows up in neverland *kesian aku, lambat baru faham mesej sebenar crita tu kan*.after that, i started to dig alice in wonderland. n then i started to read more on the net about the twisted side of fairy tales..its hard to explain **excuse: demam** but its so obvious once you try to see it in a different "angle"...ni bukan pada crita dongeng omputeh saja..tapi crita dongeng rakyat juga...pastuh interest aku bertambah lagi apabila the_one (see previous entry) talks about fairy tales yg semuanya indah2 belaka semata2...

ya..aku cuma menerangkan bagaimana minat aku berkembang, tapi aku tidak mengulas tentang bagaimana aku melihat crita2 dongeng itu dari segi yg berbeza...kerana....aku ingin kalian cuba melihatnya dari perspektif laen dari biasa! yaa! kalau aku bagitau sekarang, tentu pemikiran kalian akan terbentuk mengikut penceritaan saya, atau kontras nya, kalian pasti akan mencaci maki dan cuba menidakkan usul saya kerana pemandangan dari jendela2 kita berbeza kerana sudah tentu jendela kita memang berbeza kerana rumah kita berbeza! bukan begitu?..katakan saja YAAAA.....(excuse sebenar: aku pemalas)

but then again, sumer org dah pun tau..aku je tlebih excited....blakh...

ok la.sbnrnya aku janji ngan diri sendiri nak write seriously atleast about these two topics:
1) sandakan, sabah, some cultural background too and the sandakan death march
2) the twisted side of fairy tales

tapi cam angan2 jeh sume tuh..tah la....hahah lagipun, bukan ade org bace blog nih.(alasan) dah tade motivasi a...tgk previous entry, pun tak kene layan.hahahahahhaha

nyway, i leave u guys with this:
ni ada satu video mangunatip di sabah



the camera's a bit shaky, but be patient. its worth it. mengagumkan tarian ini...

okiossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
aku mau tidur.

the faces that you forget

i'll forget about my house of cards..
i wont deal any cards..


bateri kete dah habes.
light bulb dah tebakar.
toilet roll dah abes.
beras dah abes.


semangat sebenarnye yg dah hangus.
trima kasi.

im starting to hate color.starting to hate drawing.wish i could give up.or dont be me anymore.but if im not me, i wouldnt want to stop drawing or stop being myself..if im not me, i would be so optimistic, i'll feel that all my failures are not failures but its a process of learning~
or if im not me, i wouldnt be drawing, at all~ i would be studying, concentrating in class, finishing my EDUC journal every week, and start with my ALIN task 1 already..

orrrr if im not me, i'll be somewhere in sandakan, in the streets talking to my punk friends, talking/taking trash, stealing some money to have some shitty "fun"...hmmm....thats so negative..n this is me, coz im thinking of being someone who's not me, who is actually half me, coz deep down inside, i wana be that someone; even the trash one...but if im that someone, i'll still wanabe someone else, coz thats me, but if thats not me, i shouldnt want to be someone else but...

wat?
owh..okok...truck off and dieeeeeeeeeeeeee

dA updated
summer

getting out of the shithole

feel unmotivated gile..
what in the world made me think i can do anything

stupid drawings

thought i drop these stupid drawings here.

this one,freehand.not even a sketch before.bangang.thats y it looks soooo disproportioned. i was just using black pastel.immediately!..hancusss...budus...


this one suppose to be for the song "running up that hill" a cover by placebo of the old song..forgotten who's original song is that..aih...nyway...no point of using pastel here..just the same as using color pencils...eeeee geramnyeeeeeeeeeee.....


and this one.i submit it anyway on my dA.so shitty, but so is all my other drawings so, its okay.click if you're interested to see that it is shittier when full viewed.


very negative, very pessimistic, call me whatever.try to change my mind if you can.

my blissful life

havent had a good cry for too long.been sucking all the probs in and forget about it till today.i just blows up like..oh..my god....damn, it made me stupid. coz i blow up at sai. i was angry for nothing but blame it all on him..poor him.still sticking up with me though im crazy bipolar like this...hurm..thanx sai...and im so sorry...thank God he has all the skills to tame my anger down (all the years' experience..hah)

we've been great lately.better.so much better.its feels so good to have someone growing up n growing old with you.im not bragging please.just something to share.hope we'll get even better together n be better with ourselves.

hurm...

but seriously, things aint good lately with mylife here..nothing seems in place, still silent though the songs full volume, empty, nothingness, meaningless, pointless...

then, Brock sang:
And if it takes shit to make bliss
Then I feel pretty blissfully

agree.but hey, there are so many other people that have even more shit in their life, they pretty much breath in bliss (shit)..but who am i to say about them.coz thats their lives.this is mine.im not comparing. anyway, knowing other people have shittier lives than yours cant make you feel better..youre sick if you do.

but i have a roof over my head, have a friend, miles away from me, but still listens to my incomprehensible problems, i have mom too, who seems to know when im reaching the point of madness then pops out on ym window n ask, assalamualaikum, ina kamu sehat2 seja nak?
aa...feel wana cry again..
sissy me..

hmmm..maybe i could blame the hormones again.

anyway.bought soft pastels today. just the small ones, a set of 36.the cheap ones ofcourse.just for experimenting.i like it.makes some simple pieces.maybe i'll upload em here tumoro.but not in dA.its not worth submitting.not decent enough.next time, i'll try the pitt pencils plak...if i have the money.next time.

i feel pretty good already.thanx sai.n hey, thanx, blog.blogs do have their use kan.it lets us brag about the shits and the glory of our lives n make us (braggers) feel better .well maybe not you.just me, then.

remedy

watching great bands playing live (well, recorded live) is always a good monyet-mood remedy..

random thoughts

wish i could put my random thoughts in here.but no.its all thoughts that have been digested, that have gone through careful re-thinking of how it might affect readers (if any) how it affects situations, how it might reflect me, how it might seem in the future to my self, and how it could be beneficial to anyone.

hm.no, that aint right, this IS my random thoughts entry.it has none of the criteria of careful thinking what so ever.

people who dont give a (tr)uck, just gives a (tr)uck too much. thats y they say, "well, i dont give a truck". people who say, "that wasnt me last night/in the previous entry/while chatting with you...thats just the silly part of me..hey, no...no no no..its not me.." so who is it then?...we make mistakes...admit it you dumb truck.

okok.i did pretty huge and numerous mistakes. go make jokes about it. laugh about it. talk amongst yourselves about it, judge me through those mistakes, and any other creative things you wana do with those mistakes...i dont care. wait. i do care. but hey, it'd be fair. coz i'll be doing the same things with your obvious mistakes.

argue about all the statements that i have made. that'd be great.
just dont be offended by them.
coz its an irrelevant statement made by an irrelevant girl, you: oh the great people are more superior than this irrelevant girl, so logically, you cant be offended by this irrelevant statement.
u arent?
good....

mggu emo: my small world

nothing is fully true/false/wrong/right..everything can be argued. even this statement itself.huhu

what gives us the right to look down on other people yah? just because they r younger than us? they took easier course? they r from different cultural background? they believe different things than us? they act in a weird way, different from the majority?

what's ur excuse of looking down on people?

hah?

because its true that we are better in some circumstances?? hah?? what about in other circumstances??

whats ur excuse???

dont say that u arent guilty of this crime!!

tipu3!!

we are all in this somehow!!
okay maybe not you, Mr/Mrs PERFECT!!


and what gives us the right to ngompat/judge/laugh/what ever shit about other people hah??

wat??


because we have the time??

ha hiuuu sihiii--yuusssss??? (r u serious)

whats ur excuse??

jangan nak mengelak!!!




nevermind.

im just very angry at myself for being angry at people.when i feel i wana say this n this is someone else's fault (practically when i wana be angry at other people) that thought usually comes bouncing back to me (i realize that its my fault too that that situation happens, n its not fair, and im being judgmental and all..and bla3...)




aaa
this is just a defense mechanism.


but seriously, dont you ever thought that you are being judgemental, being unfair to other people???NO????--my God.... the great optimisticsss....these people amaze me sometimes...

kadang2, sedar x, klu kita marah, ngompat, gelak, kate (judge) pasai org, atau ape die buat, one day, bile kite reflect balek, surely we will discover that we do the same thing/ we are just the same as org yg kite kate tuh...


ntah la.
i upload another silly picture in dA.
click if ure interested.
dont if u arent.

u right..u are right...have it your way..u know everyone is wrong but you...go ahead, n laugh about it...coz ure the only one thats right..

when everything just goes wrong....
when everyone just pointed out your weaknesses and telling you you're wrong
when everything just feels like shit



i just need a good cry and i'll get over this shitty phase.
but i aint feeling like crying right now..


so come on, world!!
is that all u got!!
give it to me!!!!



















































aaih...

art power!

OMG...OMG...

i stumbled on this piece on dA...its really is amazing!! i love it, it's an instant favorite!and it reminds me of Totoro.. i love Totoro..and i wish i own Hayao Miyazaki's movies collection now (like Ika n Farah mexx) , so i can watch em again and again..damn2...

n then i read the description!

omg...no wonder it resembles Totoro...its a piece for Totoro Forest Project. apparently, silly me, i didnt know that Hayao Miyazaki's My Neighbor Totoro is inspired by a forest called Sayama forest (Totoro forest). and now, Miyazaki has established a non-profit organization called "Totoro No Furosato National Fund" for this forest. and then comes the Totoro Forest Project to raise funds through the project which is an art exhibition/auction to preserve the forest from urban development threats.


so, here's a link to the Totoro Forest Project website, if you wish to know more about the project or the organization..and also if you want to view the gallery and the artists that are involved...i promise you it'll be very breathtaking! the gallery was so amazing!! i promise you wont lose a thing! the time you waste would be worth it!!

ceh..pe la aku promote abis2 nih...
nvrmind.

:D :D :D

o ye.i joined my first ever contest in dA a few days ago and the result are out today. i didnt win. but it was okay.**defeated tone** i'll participate in more contests n i'll try harder!! yeahh!!!!

Update: you can find the artists' webpages from their art pieces if you want to further know about the artists and their other works..its really amazing... all their stuffs.... inspiring...

update: cant believe i didnt know about this one..studio Ghibli will release Ponyo in Japan (only, i think, for now) on 19th July...here's a trailer..ihi..ponyo is so cuteee....



read more.

sink with me

recommended movie: the Bucket List
recommended listening: Broken Social Scene

then..
i got this:



got more lazy and lazier everyday.
and i let the ideas slip away...left me empty... ngow3~

cloning

there's a link on Goenz journal to a really cool site about science-themed artwerk online exhibition called CLONEWAR 50%. its still aint complete but 50% of the art gathering is there..so go watch the 50% now..

Contributors: Geeksigners, Stefan Sagmeister, Momorobo, Yellow Dino, Machine56, Saltyshadow, Hokiboshi, fFurious, Cris Vector, Loveshugah, Gunawan Lo/goenz, Rehybrid, Mutantstyle, Miss Hua and Jaylim, Malona Huai, Vectorscum, Flowisking, et cetera...

every artist have their own stand on the cloning issue, its worth the read..wait till the artwerks are uploaded n surf carefully..ihihihi

so, go to goenz's journal and find the link from there or go directly from here

selamat hari jadi atik...!!

selamat hari jadi atik...semoga di panjangkan umur, di murah kan rezeki...semoga sihat dan bahagia selalu..





beh.
skema.



sila ikut link ini..

aku rase aku bungkam

semalam, zura sebut pasal movie invincible. aku rase, secara tidak langsung, sudah bagi aku idea utk lukisan ni..die citer pasai mamat kene tinggal bini, die angkut sume perabot skali.aku tak tgk lg muvi tu.nt a. ni [link] utk ke lukisan tersebut. warning: amatur yg buat lukisan ni.shading dan lighting sangat tak jadik dan tak betul. side perspective yg jelek juga, cam tak betul.sila la kritik kalau bole.trimakasi. pasal shading tu, mungkin juga bole aku bagi alasan scanner..susah nak scan bekas2 shading...but thats just my excuse..org laen ble buat aku tak le buat..ahau

tapi ni gambar die aku amek pakai camera.

compare gambar ni ngan luksian tuh, same je kan..fine...bukan salah scanner..mmg tak bagus artwek itu..

dan..

aku rase kan, aku bungkam ngan keadaan skrg nih.
aku tak keje.
aku tak kuar dari umah.
aku tak besukan.
aku tak membeli.
aku tak berjoli.
aku tak bercanda dgn rakan2.
dan banyak lagi ayat "aku tak".

macam...lost...
ehe

pelik

i just notice.look at this picture closely *to view original, klikonpic**, see the tag line, thats the first ever, as i remembered, that is used a really positive toned tag..or phrase..or whatever..ngow...when i wrote that i felt my stomach giggles...not me.my stomach.

inside my room

it has been annoyingly more comforting to stay stuck inside my room.
usually, i'll be cursing myself if i havent gone out from my house for a day.and now it has been how many days??? let me count...the last time i went out was, friday.yerp.for work n classes.omg...and today is monday.

blakh.

i think my work on making so called "art", has made me comfortable not going outside.i make myself occupied w/ continuously making one piece after another.none stop.coz there's idea, you know..ideas that flows while it flows.before idea block comes.ideas that i cant push aside..sometimes it came middle of the night, n if i waited till morning, i'll loose it. so i have to grab a paper n start scribbling/writing any ideas so i wont forget. when i woke up again, i'll continue with the idea...if i got tired i have the internet.

blakh.

i havent even watched any movie recently~!mengagumkan! before this, i'll get bored out of my mind if i havent watch any movie in a week.now? i think its like 2 weeks, no movie.ngow.

now, what's my point on this...my point is...now that i think about it..i really dont like this kind of living...but...im beginning to hate going outside too...why???....

tak pe a.tomorrow i'll go out...not for class **till wednesday**. sbb for class pun still tak kire going out pun sbnrnye.but yeah.tumoro.
or the day after.coz im beginning to think of excuses to tell the girls so that i dont have to go out tumoro...or maybe not...or yes...

blakh..

excuses.damn me n my excuses.

and this is another poem.posted it somewhere else tp nak gak post kat sini lg.

untitled

kalau ia sebuah lagu,
maka ia tiada liriknya
kalau ia sebuah rumah,
maka ia tiada penghuninya
kalau ia hamparan langit malam,
maka bintang tiada kelihatan
kalau ia alat musik,
maka tiada pemainnya

tapi ia sebuah hati
yang kosong sahaja
dan tiada teman untuk berkongsi
ia kosong sahaja
biar ada terma 'kita'
ia kosong sahaja

lumpuh
biar bertubuh
kerana semuanya
masih terasa kosong

tapi ia sebuah buku
yang tiada tulisannya.

blakh.aku mintak keje kat sjs, 2 keje...due2 tade reply...damn..tapi dalam mase yg same, aku rase relief.. my freedom of memalas2 will not be taken away from me, at least for awhile..

but then come money issue.
**curse3**

my own bubble

akhirnya.after 3days.i submitted the fairies piece.

atik bg idea tuh.lukis la forest.its kinda easy, the first thought. then i look back at the piece n know, its pretty tricky to put trees and leaves and other stuffs in a ruined-by-watercolour background...moreover, the space was too small. it took me all night to think n surf pictures to settle down on this idea. so i got this now.



thanx to anonymous for the comment though i cant smooth things up nemore coz im not confident enough to play with watercolour again.huhu and thanx atik for the idea!~ and she named the three fairies btw.ahaahaha
so here they are

kaula

bawang

pam


to see the real end product please push the button--->

and now the babble..

**babble removed by author after having second thoughts**


sunday's gone in less that 7 hours from now.have a nice n jolly new week, people.hope it'll be more exciting/calm or planned/unplanned or less tiring/makes u look bz , or anything.

need comments before submission

please comment on this piece before i submit it in..



i spoiled the background on this one.i really suck when it comes to background.if anyone's reading this, can anyone comment on any idea regarding the background or anything..really be great if i could have any suggestion...

:D :D :D

women

ive known Sai for more than ten years, love him almost half of those years...
i know these two for about a year plus and been with them for a few months...
and then...

i try to remember the times i spend with sai, n the memories are hazy, but im sure of my feelings in those times...happy, sad, angry...but i know i love him..

but just now, i remembered the two, n i instantly smile, and giggled a little..seriuuusssllyyy i felt somekind of warmth in my heart....

im not saying that i love those two more than sai, im not saying i love sai less, im not saying i forgot Sai or anything. please dont be offended Sai.its all the same with other things, you know..the memories are all hazy... but its different with these two...i dont have to try hard to remember their faces, their smiles..i can even remember how they move about around my house...its so clear, you know...like very short but clear memories..




here's the two:



ini Iman



dan ini Ain...



sungguh tidak paham perasaan ini...sungguh rindu yg melampau2...
maybe, ni yg menunjukkan hati perempuan ni, mmg sgt kuat for babies..kata atik, women's love for (her) babies kadang2 bole exceed love for men (husband).. i dono...takat ni, cam betul, tho i cant say for sure, coz i havent have my own babies..husband pon...

sai jgn mara ya~ sai kan cooooollll...hihihihi


i remember one time mase balek summer ari tuh.morning, biase a..mama pi pasar berjualan. i dunno where everybody else at that time kan..that home, always empty ..hurm... anyway.. i was sleeping, pastuh bangun sbb iman dah bangun..dia nak g tandas a...nak maen la...nak susu la...habes sume urusan dia, i switch on the tv in mom's room..n sbb baring sambil tgk tv tuh, i fell asleep again.

then i woke up because ema was screaming "IMANNN!!~~ mati la ko ole makcik mu..naaaaa"
i know its ema from the other room.i openned my eyes n iman wasnt beside me watching tv dah...tgh mamai2 nih, i ran to "my" room...n saw him eating my mascara...my 40 dollar mascara....

seriously i was angry n i slapped his hand **tak kuat la~~im not abusive like his mother!!ngow maen2 jak** n then he scream n cry olok2...i can tell he's not crying for real, believe me~ n then i felt like i wana laugh out loud...so comellll~ so sayang~~

im not really close to ain coz her mom is pretty strict with her, n she's not really keen on separating from her mom or dad anyway... but when im with her its really great! she laughs so sincere u cant help but melt! haihh **sigh with smile**

haihh....a few months to go... n i'll come home n be iman's mother if his own mother wont...


haih..that house...
i just wish mama doesnt cry too often..
i just wish bangmin, ema, aman and me (kak bina too) can understand her more...we've been selfish for long enough, dari kecik rase yg we're victims yg innocent sdangkan we are haters, we have done too many mistakes n yet still be self-righteous, being self-centered n sometimes egocentric...
i just thought, even if mama is wrong in any way, its her time to be pampered, her time to be selfish, her time to be given attention to, her time to win...die dah mengalah ngan kita for too long...give her a chance. if we cant make her happy (how silly that sound kan), at least make her calm, make her peaceful.

damn2...suddenly dive into that topic.

anyway, i am currently working on a fairy-themed drawing for a contest on dA. wish me luck. penat2 planning n sketching, rehat2, tu yg teringat pasai budak2 tuh tadi..

ok la.lepas ni aku tdur.

damn.i said i wana go to bed like two hours ago.

i opened up myspace just to check out be4 bed n i end up giving comment to frkgod promoting the dodos.then....tak sedar2 i was surfing youtube dah watching their videos. marvelous, marvelous band. i totally recommend this one, people...no matter how you think you wont dig country music or such, u should click on these videos!

RED & PURPLE (live)


FOOLS


n now, m not that sleepy anymore so aku update lagi blog yg tade sape pun bace nih.pandai kan?

anyway. i found out about this band earlier this year through myspace as i was searching for a country band that can be my new drug...dapat la the dodos. i was hooked. cant download their music from any of the usual torrent site, coz theyre indie n not many people know them at that time kot...so i go to their myspace every day for a few weeks to listen to their songs. then Nuar downloaded their songs from myspace, thanx nuar. but then, i wasnt satisfied. i had to have their albums. damn2. i search for the older album (beware of the maniacs) from some sites that sell indie band's records but i was disappointed coz out of stock. sampai la jumpe aquarius site nih.tu pun the last copy for beware of maniacs. they hold it for me. then i decided, i had to have their recent one too the visiter. i bought both n ship them here...cam near 40nzd ke brape tah.i forgot.but its worth it! i love em.

ahahahahah

i think i have written abt this somewhere else.cam ade dejavu plak.blakh.nvrmind.
so, if U read this, n if U live near me now, just let me know, i;ll lend u the CDs.

the dodos yeah!!

i was planning to write a longer n meaningful post but then damn miss laziness come knocking on my door

nab kindly drew this for me when she was staying here post-bersatu last week.



and i have uploaded two more deviations too.click to view the full drawings.
lady in the water 2 & we're in this together


rotoroa
finally during my 3days trip to rotoroa & back, i got the chance to feel the snow. to my disappointment, snow is just snow.nothing special about it.its white.n its cold.eheheh takde a...i love it! the thick snow covering the hills is so beautiful! it almost made me go blind--huhu..but i still wana watch snow falling right infront of my eyes...waaaa
i didnt do any of the extreme games n stuff... partly becoz of money n partly becoz of ..of...of something else. mainly bout the money i guess. nevermind. i done most of them last year anyway.
but we did do something 'cute' while staying there. we wear mud mask together (me, atik, sha, aimi & ain). ehehe

kene collect gambar kat budak2 laen.later.malas.


mm..
blakh.dah malas.

listening to NIN's the slip.
its a hard listening at first.but after awhile, it builds up in you and it sticks. just like the other albums. atleast for me.through my ears.for those who wana try n listen to them, please do download the slip through their site.its FREE. in all range of different formats thus differnt audio quality.or download it from any torrent site.its free anyway so, its not stealing in this case.

p/s: Sai, dont give up yah! baru friendly match pun. nanti league try harder okay! chayooo chayooo! n no more bars yah!! hehehe im sorry for not being there physically now, but im 'there' for you, you know that... :P :P

july
august
september
october
november
a few months more to go :D

esok kelas? wat?

aku baru balek dari rotoroa. n look what i bought:



aku nak crita pasal sumanyaa~!







esok a.
alasan: penat. blakh
buat masa ni tgk gambar nih!



same exact spot as last year.
i upload a few pictures at myspace n myDA too.

across the sea translation

link to across the sea.
panel from left to right.

first panel

girl: why would u say that? &*%^^$#@!!!*&%&%... **incomprehensible language** >:(
guy: becoz YOU said *&^%$#@!! $%#^#@!!&&... >:(
girl: you're a monkey u know that!
guy: if im a monkey then u're goat!
girl: **incomprehensible language**
guy: **similar incomprehensible language**
girl: whats with you?!
guy: whats with you?!

girl: u parrot...
guy: who cares!

silence....

second panel

hurmm **both sighing**

third panel

girl: *sigh* i called to tell you that i miss u... what happened?...

fourth panel

guy: i know... *sigh with a small smile* i miss u too... what s with us, right?.. fighting all the time...

small panels
guy: thats okay, lets recap what have we been fighting about yah..
girl: okayh..what was it again that we fight about anyway?
blablablabla**discussing in a more rationale way**

final panel
guy: thats it? hihi im sorry baby...
girl: i know~~ kinda funny..im sorry too...its silly...
guy: come on.lets start back.
girl: okayh! hi, honey..hows your day?..

the fifth panel shows that both characters feel like they are really close like theyre sitting on a same couch when in fact they are separated across the sea from each other.this is shown with the different couch that both characters are sitting on but the guys hand expands to look like he is putting his hands on the girls shoulder.n the girls head looks like leaning against the guys chest..

there is a few lines taken from the song Across the sea by Weezer at the end of the panels.

FRKGOD: im promoting my own brother's music

okay la.aku mengaku la.mmg pun aku tade keje nak buat selaen update blog n crita kan every detail of my pathetic life di sini. happy now?

anyway. abang aku sign in YM gune mak aku nye id.aku tertipu dan akhirnya berchat ngan dia.dia tuntut la janji aku yg nak download kan dia reason versi 4.0 yg mana sampai sekarang aku ta carik lagi...tapi bila carik2 tade nye yg healthy torrent yg windows punye version. pastuh aku soh die gune jeh fruity loops sbb tuh mmg dah ade...

masuk topik perbezaan antara fruity loops n reason...dia pun promote lagi lagu2 yg dia buat. beberapa tahun lepas, serius shit aku malas gile nak jadi mouse lab utk projek2 dia.kene dengaq lagu2 yg tak kena kat hati ni bagai makan racun tau tak..kahkah..exaggerate!~anyway, kali ni aku pun reluctant..tapi dah adek kan, aku dengarkan la saja....

tapi lepas dengar, aku pun dengan tak malu nya mengaku, cam aku pun dah tersuka ngan lagu2 abang aku nih...amatur pun cam best gak lagu2 dia.jadi oleh kerana aku kene dengar, korang pun digalakkan dengar...ni first time aku yakin ngan abang aku sendiri. genre2 lagu die dah jadi electronica. sbb traditional band die dah tade kan...hihi all he has is the two softwares la kan...neway..aku lah menjadi cheap promoter die skrg..these are 5 of his songs...



klu tak puas hati, sila la melawat myspace dia

mito datang dok sebelah aku smpai aku hilang idea nak tulis apa.jadi nanti sambung bila dia dah g jaoh2....

lazy2 sunday morning (noon)

if u r aiman or someone who's like aiman, you'll love this. watch it if u think u havent watched it, but watch it anyway if u think u have coz ure already here n are interested enuf to klik the url



anyway, its a lazy sunday. last night bifday azrini, if u havent wish her, go wish her now. n here r some photos of the drunk me


seblum makan, kena bergaya dulu..sungguh mabok perempuan ini. specs aviator courtesy of aizat. though i dunno who's specs is it lying around the house, never been used becoz dah rosak sebenaqnya...


ready to menjamah selera walau sudah stuffed with zura's delicious ayam masak kicap n the bifday cake...my God i look like deep sea predator fish...


did i mention that i looked like i am a deep-sea-predator fish?? u know why? coz of the mouth..some1 even said that last night..besaq nya mulut hang! tgk atik...sopan gemalai gitu..hihihi
anyway~ wana see my look alike?



yes, ppl..its the blackdevil angler fish!!





have i told enuf ppl that im going road trip tumoro??
im gooing road tripp!!
im so excited! so tak saba nak drive!

across the sea

aku gaduh ngan sai smlm.pagi2 aku dah cam dapat idea nak lukis something. dapat la across the sea nih. this is the cropped version. klu berminat sila la klik. klik3~~



hm...aku lukis ni cam bongek2 je..nak try lukis kartun berpanel.tgk camna.ni la jadiknya.ngow...
enaz, aku tak marah ko tag aku.seronok pe dapat publisiti..entry aku tuh cuma nak create a kind of effect la kan..cam.."ha..pe waznah nak tulis sbnrnye..?" ha....hihi neway, thanx enaz sbb link saye..welcome2.




i'll be back.gaa~~

pancing

bersatu :mula ngan ribut, habes ngan pelangi. aku plak, cam mabok 4 hari tuh sampai pagi ni, aku bangun cam baru bangun dari hang over yg aku tak ingat pape pun sepjg 4 ari tu.cam mimpi jeh.bukan la nak kate aku penah mabok kan n tau cm mane hang over tuh, cume aku dapat bygkan la dr movie2 n description org.eheheheheh

being the pessimist that i am, i must say, the fourdays have been stupid. i made a lot of enemies instead of more friends, i act like monyet (which is because i am berperangai monyet--not ayu-like like some other women) its not like im proud or anything for being such a monyet that i am.but damn, ok, i feel horrible for being monyet, tapi setiap kali pun, perangai cam ni juga la yg aku display.so, aku nak jadi ayu pun susah. aku nak jadi ayu, sbb ramai org kan cam.."ha...cam ni la perempuan...ayu2, sopan2...."damn.

nm.

seronok gak pancing2 sepjg bersatu. ha
part of this entry has been removed.
nak bg hint topik: po'qi ngan joe: share similar traits (???)
drama plak.enaz a nih.tag blog aku...
anyway.

bila aku cakap pasal pancing, seriously, aku maksud kan usha. AHSU (thanx to mugh sbb bg ia nama..ahah). its a game. its a fun thing to do for me. i have no other intentions.
aku berani gila nak maen benda ni, sbb aku tau, tada org yg nak kat org cam aku. klu la aku ni org cam.. **TUTTTT** kan...mst aku fikir dua kali nak maen game ahsu ni. sbb, kang ade yg sangkut, aku tataw nak react cam na.

lagi pun, ta ramai yg mampu nak tahan perangai hyper + monyet aku ni kecual sorang. orang ni la yg aku go home to, after hectic days, call up, and i hear him over the phone, n his voice is so familiar. hearing it makes me feel at home coz i am so relaxed...

klu kami jalan2 sesame mase kat msia pun, aku maen game ni mase ngan die. tgk org hensem/org lawa, cakap a...mase kiterang sekolah menengah sesame pun, ini gak a keje aku.

one thing i know about this guy, he's beeen with me for more than 10 years. darjah 4 umoq brape tah...sampai la sekarang. he's seen everything in me. org ni gak la yg still nak kat aku after tgk ke-monyet-an aku nih...ngan hyper, ngan moody, ngan complicatednya pemikiran aku ni, die gak a yg bleyh tahan.ngan pemalas nya aku.ngan roller coaster nya relationship ngan aku nih. ngan sume la.dia gak still standing.

kdg2 aku fikir, klu la aku ngan dia nih, in the end, bukan gak ngan die...cam ne la..tsk3...sbb kemungkinan tu tak pernah hilang kan.the possibility for us not to be together kan. hm...klu cam tuh, aku dah ttaw dah.mst dunia kekok. kekok. i call it kekok?--the life without sai will be kekok?? tu je ke? kekok?? ofkos la devastating!! ofkos la cam rasa nak bunuh diri!!! but after all the mourning, aku tau, satu perasaan yg tak kan hilang, rasa kekok!! cam "eh..sai dah bkn bf dah.."...ha..cam tuh..yg every morning pun rase cam kene ade reality check. im talking based on experience okay..sbb dah pena hilang sai.hahahahah

aku rase dah brape org dah tanye, ko ngan sai cam ne? kiterang ok, ok~ dah brape kali dah kiterang break, break, kawan, sambung. i know its silly, fullofshit, tapi aku tau aku mmg tak leyh klu tade die.n i forgot about that sometimes, so bile dah hinag baru teringat.. but hopefully aku (kiterang) tak sebodoh dulu dah. huhu we grow up together, learn shits together, n hopefully we'll grow old together...

ehehe...jadi nak introduce a---name die Safiuddin Afdal Laudin. aku panggil die sai.
Sai.

i am my own judge

mase netball, our coach tak kasik aku masok game last. mase futsal, our coach tak kasik aku masok game semi n final.

and im sure its because im not good enough.

i know, for the team's sake , the coach will always know whats the best for us. who's in, who's out, who's best with who, based on chemistry n balance of everything n all. i know. thats y, i wont question anything or push myself to get in. this is how i see myself act as a team member.

but this thought brings me down half way down to the core of earth. **exaggerate** for years ive been searching for things that im sure im good at, good enough to make me proud of myself **not boastful yah** i thought it might be futsal, but damn. today, i know, i still cant find any. maybe im being too critical of myself, maybe.

so i tried to think more on the bright side.
excuse 1: i played a few minutes during both games (netball n futsal) so thats kinda contributing isnt it??
excuse 2: im cheering like hell till i got fever, maybe i did scream hard enuf for the gurls to listen at times..n maybe that did help...(???)
excuse 3: fuck it.

i cant think of anything good. n i know im not good enuf.that is that. nothing more, nothing less. its not about contributing to the team, right now. its not about that. its about self-satisfaction. its about what i can or can not do. im not angry for not being able to play in the game, im angry at my self for being not good enuf to deserve to play...

one thing i can say straight is that, no matter how negative i view all this shit in my life, i never did gave up n i never will. i tried. i tried hard. and trying hard is worth a good cry at the end of it when i know i failed to reach my own aim.





credits
Lennon mmg coach yg baek n bagus..he's been there for us all the while. he taught us many things, helped by poqi n apo. aku nak kate, klu tade Lennon, aku tataw cam ne aku nak dapat sikit semangat pun nak maen futsal.

team mates, girls, aku taw aku ni cam sial je mase training. byk cakap sampai ada yg naek panas telinga dengaq. sorry. but, well, my excuse: aku ni expressive sket. klu aku nampak sesuatu yg aku rase aku bleyh share, aku cakap. its not for me, its for us. tapi towards the match, aku rase aku maken suke maen ngan sume korang. its a great team, n it deserves this gold. though bukan aku a.

enaz, auni (goal keeper kite) , nana, mira (defender kite), daus, nad, lina, fatin(para winger) n illie, aishah (forward). maybe kite bleyh maen lagi kat sebelah umah fatin klu ade mase, at least sebelum aku pulang msia. kang klu kite dah tua2, bleyh maen kat msia same2...still bleyh kate "best la futsaaallll"....

one thing for sure, gold ni dah tebus balek kekalahan netbal. jijah, aku paham. klu aku tak demam n migraine, aku dah nanges sekali. eh, tecakap.sori.

with spilling that secret, i wana say again, thank you n good job to the futsal team. korang mmg maen lawa hari nih. korang mmg lawa.

ngow~