this is how (4)

aku had been tired all weekdays long, doing work non-stop—even while on dealing with a not-so-mysterious and painfully depressing sickness, she kept on doing her work. Though that work was what she believed as something that she would not succeed at. She had lost hope. But fear not, we could help her build some more hope so that it could be crushed again on Monday.

Finally, aku got to Friday. See, Friday is a very nice day because the next day after Friday aku would not have to go to work. And the day after the next day of Friday. So, aku would have two days to rest—starting on a Friday.

So Friday night, aku could start her energy-recouping-rest with an early sleep. Her eyes were all tired anyway. Her body too. And her mind as well.

ORRRRRR…

She could continue working since aku here was a lazy non-stop worker so she had skipped a few tasks during the weekdays. Perhaps due to her procrastination. It’s a contradictory statement, I know, she seemed like a workaholic at first but actually she was a procrastinator. Aku was somewhat (come to think of it) a walking contradiction. But never mind. We don’t want to find a label for aku now. Not tonight.

Aku can also waste her time in a more productive way compared to sleeping (as claimed by aku herself) by playing guitar while lying on her bed. “Or…(thought aku) I could go and do my laundry. Therefore I would not have to do it during my resting days..” But maybe she should catch up with some reading. NO NO NO.

Better yet, she should write something aimlessly and post it as an entry in her blog… until her eyes were all watery so that she could feel that she was being “forced to sleep”—which was exactly what she’d done.

Now, to sleep.

Why was she reluctant to sleep in the first place again?

this is how i start my weekend.such a waste.

i'll be your distraction.i'll be, i'll be yours.

i was so sure i had something very important to note here, but i seem to lost it somewhere between clicking the sign in button and clicking new post button.

i was somewhat a fan of Blink 182 during pra-matang ages. then they split up and i tried to listen to both both Box Car Racer and Angels and Airwaves, fronted by Tom DeLonge. He sort of skip from BCR to AvA. But i only tried with the first Angels and Airwaves' record: We dont need to whisper. As i get older, sounds such as these no longer attract much of my attention.

but maybe today's their day. so i play them albums on repeat.

i was wondering about this whole practicum. and a couple of things came across my mind:

• we used to say we're busy with out assignments and all when we were students (more students than we are right now coz now we're like this student-teacher-teacher-student whatever) and i think i understand the term 'busy' better this time and i know i'll understand it sooo0000 much better when i become a real teacher.and you wonder what the heck am i doing posting entries in this blog whn i claim to b bz with my teacher-work.

• 10 ringgit is not enough. even the handouts for today costs more than 10. plus taxi fare.. tsk. but i should be greatful. yea. the kids dont believe me when i say im teaching them for free. they asked me how much is my salary.

• as said by a friend: i should remember that everyone is going through the same phase. if i feel lonely in the mornings, some people feel lonely in the evening. if i feel stressed out that these kids strip me off my self-believe, some others do feel the same way too. so, whine to them. we'll nod our heads while listening to each other. then we could leave the burdens on our door. and start a new day with new hopes.

• mak aku kata aku perasan bila aku bilang sekarang kan aku sedang mengajar. dia kata aku baru nak belajar untuk mengajar dah ada hati mau kata aku mengajar.

• etc.etc.kmu.etc.kmu.kmu.etc.
  

im eating oreo lemau for brunch. i should make some coffee. no. just sirap will be fine.

when He took things back from you

people stare at me differently when i walk normally and when i walk with a limp.like a crippled.
those eyes were the hardest part.
thank God for this sickness.
coz now i know.

Collage Gabrio by ~gabrio76 on deviantART

Gabrio is one of the artists i stalk in dA. this is a fine way to promote him. a collage of his work. and look at thatt.....a caricature of RADIOHEAD!!ngahhhahahaha

really wish i can draw again...

n i really wish the pain wont come again.

10 shades of black and gray: the colours of the tarred road

Sebelum apa-apa, aku mau cakap “terima kasih”.

Okay. Let’s move on to my daily rambling needs.

Sedih besok tak masok kelas. + pusing. +chuak. aku ponteng.

Aku ingat, aku nak cakap pasal sesi interrogation yang aku lalui sepanjang flight KL-SDK semalam. Tapi aku rasa akan membazir saja.

si pak cik tua itu...Kalau ajak bercakap tentang cuaca pun aku boleh. Atau bercakap fasal topik apa yang duit boleh beli pada masa sekarang ini pun cukup sesuai ketika terbang bersama airasia ni.

Tapi tidak. Si tua itu menanyakan aku satu persatu soalan personal. Bapak kerja apa??? Di mana bapak sekarang? Mak kerja apa??? Rumah kat Sandakan beli ka sewa?

Nasib dia si tua. Dan mak aku kata biar macam mana kita rasa salah pun orang tua tu, kau kena hormat juga. Jadi aku jawab sepatah dua saja dan buat bunyi seakan aku senyum. Tunduk.

I am not really good with small talks. Seriously, sometimes I hate that people expect us to talk to strangers. I am not comfortable to talk to a total stranger as if we've known for ages, so I just smile most of the time. Itu pun orang boleh salah anggap, kata sombong.

Di sekolah, sampai aku di tegur juga tidak bercakap dengan senior teachers.

Setiap kali saja aku berselisih, bertentang mata, berdiri berdepan, aku memang senyum dan tunduk. Kalau di tanya, aku jawab. Kalau bercakap banyak, aku cuba juga bercakap kembali.

Tapi itu semua tidak pernah cukup. Haih. Itu lah expectations Malaysian society. Kalau tidak tercapai, mula lah membuat konklusi sendiri.

Actually, I am procrastinating. I am not on vacation. Not even on MC. I still have to do my work. But I am deviating like always. As can be observed, at first I didn’t want to talk about that topic, it will waste my time. Which exactly what I did. I wasted my time rambling about it.

We’re coming in the third week of practicum. I don’t want it to be my third week of faking faces to cover my pain. I hope I am stronger. I wish I am wiser. I just want to be a better person. I thought I tried my best. But now, I don’t think I was trying hard enough—thus came the reminder.

So, lesson for today: when you think you’re trying your best, you are actually limiting yourself.

You see, when we say : “I try my best/I am trying my best/this is my best” we are actually putting a fix definition of the word BEST. It is somewhat similar to “this is as far as I can go. Mind you, it is far, you know. The furthest any man has ever gone. This is my best”. The moment this fella said that, he put some kind of boundary to where he thinks the furthest he can go. Boundary=limit.

So my new understanding is this: we only know that we come to our limit by realizing that we are on the 'edge' already. And the edge is not something that is defined by us; but by other things instead. Like, you know it’s the end of a road when the next step you take is already on the muddy earth instead of the gray tarred road.

I just want to be a better person.

semoga lebih pandai hendaknya...

kasihan aku lihat--dia buntu ilham menyakitkan orang, cari jalan ikut belakang pula. sampai hormat ku langsung hilang untuk dia. kasihan saja yang tinggal. setelah semua ini, masih orang kata aku yang hilang akal kerana punya penyakit hati yang sarat?

itulah. orang tua-tua pun mengingatkan, indah buku bukan pada kulitnya saja. kalau isi cerita lembaran demi lembaran pun busuk, tiada guna punya kulit indah, tiada guna punya kertas dari kualiti tertinggi, tiada guna di cetak guna dakwat terindah, lembut dan wangi.

tiada guna nya. kerna letaknya darjat tinggi rendah sebuah buku yang paling penting adalah isi nya, adalah ilmu yang di bawanya, adalah cerita-cerita baik buruk nya yang bawa pedoman.

dan kalau perumpamaan buku itu pada manusia, aku ialah buku paling hodoh sekali, dalam dan luaran. aku tidak kesah, asalkan saja orang boleh belajar dari kehodohan aku. asalkan saja aku tau apa yang diluar ini menunjukkan apa yang di dalam. kulit ini bukan untuk pura-pura menutup sesuatu yang jelek.

berulang-ulang kali aku bilang, aku tidak suka marah kerana marah adalah masa di mana kita paling senang goyah. itulah para hati dengki akan menyerang musuhnya di amarah dahulu sebelum yang lain.

tidak dia datang dengan tangan yang berangkat untuk memukul. tidak dia datang dengan kayu atau senapang. dia datang dari mana-mana arah yang dia rasa boleh cucuk amarah si polan. kerana bila marah lah semua pertimbangan hilang.

jadi aku bilang sama diri sendiri, aku mesti kurang marah. di masa aku tidak mampu untuk menyalurkan amarah ikut titik-titik peluh masa aku berlari-lari anak, aku perlukan sesuatu yang lain. dan aku bersyukur aku ada kmu.

dan aku ada tempat ini untuk menyusun pemikiran ku.

jadi aku minta, para perempuan, kita semua masih muda dan masih tercari-cari jawapan, masih belajar. dan oleh itu kesimpulannya yang paling mudah ialah kita masih belajar kerana kita masih kurang ajar.

jadi di samping kita masih belajar dek kerana kekurangan ajaran tentang hidup dan dunia dan ikatan antara manusia di dalam sebuah masyarakat, aku minta satu saja:
berfikir lah dengan baik sebelum membuat tindakan.

kerana aku yakin perempuan-perempuan semuanya sebenarnya pandai. tapi gunakanlah kepandaian itu untuk kebaikan.

I Found a Reason
Cat Power
Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And you'd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come

Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before

And you'd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
You'd better run

original song by The Velvet Underground

Kalau besok semua berputar seratuslapanpuluhdarjah, aku mau berterima kasih saja.

It’s funny that I couldn’t sleep at times when I think I need to sleep the most.

Like times like this.

There’s an imaginary screwdriver being stabbed across my brain. My body’s tired. My mind too. My feelings are numb.

I don’t really know why it is funny, I just feel that it’s funny. Or I think it’s funny.

All I can do is just lying down—some minutes pass by and I just realize I am still wide awake and my eyes weren’t blinking.

I wonder why people think I am too negative. The truth is, I have to confess, most of the time I think I am optimistic. I can be filled with hope. Even if I am an awfully depressed pessimist as claimed, I am probably the most optimistic of the depressed and the pessimists.

(-.-')

But am I being an optimist now? Well, actually, that’s the tricky part. You would know that you really are an optimist or not during times like this. You are going down shitty path—everything seems so sad to you. But you are smiling instead of frowning, you say “I am okay” instead of “ntah la…”.

Haih. That word “ntah”. Dia memang bagi kesan dalam sampai aku terlebih guna perkataan itu sekarang. And I didn’t really realize it until just now.

But well.

Being an optimist is having the tendency to look more on the favourable side in any conditions—even during miserable times.

So let’s try: favourable sides—I am still breathing, I am given a reminder, and em…em…etc.eetc.tce.etc.

Ya. Ya. Ya. Ya.

I am being redundant with all my entries’ topics. But hey, I am showing a pattern—a pattern that you can make out (?..up?), and ‘know’ about me and my life, apply it to yours, and learn something through it.

Whatever it is, I hope people who read this could just pray for me to get well soon.

Ps. Congratulations to those who just came back from Bersatu. Really wish I was there. Gold for netball—yeay! Akhirnya!!

Ps 2. Please watch V for Vendetta again. A beautiful movie.

Ps 3. 4months and *trying not to* count(ing)... thanks for everything.

the best you can is good enough

you can try the best you can, you can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough.
optimistic RADIOHEAD

though i think that the song was actually a bit synical, i have to say, i need that line at times like these...need it more now than ever...

Jonathan kindly shared a couple of links about student behaviour (the disruptive ones; to be exact)
one is here:
Pupil misbehaviour is an international problem

and another is here:
Creating Effective Teaching and Learning Environments: First Results from TALIS

but seriously, knowing that i'm not alone with that problem doesnt make it any easier. i need a strategy. one that works on those children.

anyway.



yesterday i thot this:
saya terencat, dan saya cacat.

terencat kerana sudah masuk minggu kedua tapi saya masih tidak dapat kawal satu daripada kelas saya. kelas satu lagi ada kemajuan.

cacat kerana sudah masuk dua minggu kedua belah kaki tidak dapat tahan berjalan lebih daripada beberapa langkah.




ouuu kaa'aayyy
i'll take it day by day.

salah silap

Here’s why people call some things as mistakes—they regretted those things. We may have taken some wrong decisions, done some wrong actions or something. The key word is ‘wrong’.

Though we may be glad that we done those mistakes because if it is not for these mistakes (done in the past), we wouldn’t have found this miracle and this beauty (today), but still, we wish we wouldn’t have to go through that same mistakes again.

Consider: I took the wrong turn to the left at the junction before because now I am not where I wanted to be. I should have turned right (or whichever turn that I think would lead me to the place where I wanted to be in the first place).

Now that I am here—where I don’t want to be, I have to move on ‘cause I can’t go back... So what is important is that I remind myself to take a different turn next time I come up to the same junction.*and while on the road, moving on, I found the greatest thing ever*

I have made so many mistakes before. Some are similar to others. Too similar that I could already identify the patterns of my actions—one will lead to the other and until the end, I took the same-old-wrong turn. Almost like déjà vu.

In business, we have to find patterns. Or in anything; for that matter… patterns are good. When we could identify patterns that will lead us to some great loss, we manipulate these patterns so that we could change it, generate some profit instead. That’s how we could be productive instead of counter-productive, right? I am no business student. Please. So correct me if I am wrong.

So then, now that I have identified the pattern, and I can even see the coming loss if I don’t change my ways, why can’t I manipulate/change those patterns? Is my brain not functioning to its fullest? Come on, brain, you can do better than this. Or is my brain actually working too hard? Too much?

Or is it that my heart; my owh-so-called-womanly heart, cannot settle down to agree with the brain? Or is it that my unusually-too-huge-for-a-girl ego cannot bow to the nature of how things go for the rest of the world?

I don’t want to lose this time. I don’t want to take that left turn again.

3 minutes: this is how I cope with loneliness and unknown sources of stress.

The dead ends and a big shirt

Seriously, I love Radiohead.
And of all the five members of Radiohead, I know that I have nearly the same taste with Phil. I mean, I can relate the most to Phil’s choices of song that he played in Thumbs Down. Haih… it really feels good to wake up and come back to really good music.

Aku mengajar sesi petang. Tapi aku bangun kol 6 pagi. Aku tidak tahu mengapa. Dan aku tidak dapat kembali tidur. Tidak dapat juga meneruskan usaha aku membuat teaching aids mahupun pelan pengjaran dan pembelajaran. Ada kupu-kupu di dalam perut. Mungkin kerana aku mahu procrastinate daripada menyiapkan pelan pengajaran untuk hari ini.

But then, I was feeling uneasy like this since yesterday morning. I feel like begging some people to just leave us the hell alone. It’s tiring to be angry, it’s childish to hate, I know—so why, o why can’t some people just let us be...

But then ini bukan 'tempat' aku dan itu bukan hak aku untuk kata apa-apa. Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Yang aku ada cuma pegangan bahawa aku perlu cuba sehabis baik untuk memperbaiki diri. Bukannya semakin lemah. Tapi susah nya, sungguh! Susah!

but then, but then, but then...cheshh

So. Dead ends?

And all I have is a big shirt. And some real~ fine~ music~~~~… I am so glad I downloaded these blues collections as well. Also---my Benjamin + HIMYM. This is how I cope with loneliness and unknown sources of stress.

that end up to be 12 minutes.

entah apa lagi lah.

tiada cukup ilham mau cakap-cakap pasal masa dan graviti. *alasan* jadi, di kala dipertikaikan dan mempertikaikan lagi, aku macam teringat satu scene dalam hidup aku.

masa itu aku dalam sebuah kenderaan. aku lupa kenderaan itu teksi atau kereta mak aku. tapi aku passenger masa itu. aku termenung keluar tingkap. aku ingat. aku banyak fikir pasal masalah aku. so called problems ka.

tiba-tiba aku dengar lagu ni. iya...lagu dan kata-kata dalam lagu ini buat aku tersenyum pada masa itu. I was smiling while trying to hold in some tears in at that time. aku pun lupa kenapa.

tapi sekarang yang aku dengar cuma pujukan supaya aku terima saja apa yang ada. sebab apa yang ada itu aku juga yang cari dan minta. and that no one will get the last laugh. 'The last laugh' is just like….hermm…wat is it like?—just a make-believe.
But I might be wrong.


say by john myr.

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

So, I’ve made a total idiot of myself by saying things that I didn’t think I mean to mean it at times in the past, but I did get to deliver my thoughts and feelings—or so I thought. Sometimes, people take what other people say and interpret them wrongly. I realize that I did it at times. I saw it done by others at other times. and I found out people done it against me at some other, other times. But that’s okay. I still get to say what I thought I have to say and that’s better than holding it in.

But now—I am holding in almost everything that I thought I needed to say. Maybe that’s just part of growing up.. Aku Cuma harapkan understanding dari satu jiwa saja.

I miss the 'taste' and 'smell' of Welly.

This topic is so lame.

I still like the song.

Making lesson plans are addictive.

30minit

persis ada screwdriver tercucuk tembus dari belah kiri ke kanan kepala ku.
i started to question again:
who am i? what am i made of? is this it?

ingatkan aku, aku mau tulis pasal masa dan graviti.

frasa yang ulang-ulang masok dalam kepala aku ialah "now i really know..now i really know.." apa kecilnya peranan theory-theory indah yang aku belajar susah gila mahu di aplikasi kan, lesson plan yang mana rasa cantik belaka dalam kepala jadi kucar-kacir saja, budak-budak yang kecil ini jadi orang-orang yang mencarik-carikkan sisa-sisa self-esteem dan self-respect cebis-cebis yang aku ada. sudah la sedikit, lagi di carik-carik, entah apa lagi yang tinggal. aku terfikir: apa mereka sedar mereka punya kuasa sehebat itu?

aku perlu jalan lain.

9 tahun lepas, aku berada di tempat mereka, dan aku cuba sehabis baik untuk melawan diri ku sendiri. tapi mereka sekarang bebas mencabar dengan cara yang paling innocent sekali. innocent kerana mereka cuma 14 tahun. kerana mereka cuma 14 tahun?? umur adalah alasan yang sangat lah cikai.

aku perlukan jalan lain.

aku dulu juga pemberontak. aku dulu sampai sekarang sentiasa persoalkan sistem sekolah yg bercantum dgn sistem masyarakat yang aku rasa sangat lah penuh dengan falasi. tapi aku pun salah satu cabang dari sistem itu. kita semua terikat dalam sistem itu. aku cuma mau sampaikan pd budak-budak ku, mereka perlu menangkan sistem ini dan menangkan untuk diri mereka juga. itu saja cara untuk mereka survive. tiada jalan lain.

tapi aku perlukan jalan lain. untuk masuk dinding-dinding itu.
atau aku boleh saja biarkan mereka dan biarkan aku buat kerja: bercakap dengan dinding.

aku amat berterima kasih atas satu jiwa yang setia menunggu aku pulang dan mencuba mengangkat kembali semangat ku--or whatever that is left of it.
kmu.