Deciding to hurt and to be hurt

c3 by ~sirmadamwaffles on deviantART

Bayangkan hidup di kawasan yang tiada elektrik; pasti aku terpaksa menunggu matahari timbul sejengkal baru aku boleh mula melukis dan membuat kerja lain waktu2 begini..

I told Atik that day; that things were so much easier back then. Though I was into so much problems and troubles but I was pretty much sure of most of things. Like, I know which people I dont want to mess with, which people I want to hate, which people I want to love and which I want to be friends-with-benefit(s) with...And most of the time, I know what I wanted, I had the idea of what I wanted to be, and I (most probably) know where I wanted to go..

But that was secondary school. Nowadays, things are getting messier, nothing seems to make sense. I often feel lost, vulnerable, and no matter how I try to avoid troubles and problems they came at me like hungry monsters and that (as it seemed to me) no one else was there to be eaten by them (sedangkan semua orang pun "kena kejar and kena makan monsters")... I sometimes dont even know what and why I am doing things..

Am I just getting stupider?? Asked the bimbo me. And Atik replied, of course not (though you are a bit, waz) we're just getting older...Teenagers, though often lost in their teen-angst and darah muda yang membuak2, they have simple minds (no matter how complicated we though we were back then) that quickly judges and simply decides on things.

Now, we're older; more things are to be taken into considerations when we judge and when we decide and when we want to take actions. Things are more complicated now just because we keep more things to ourselves instead of raging things out as before; we take care of others' feelings more than the feelings we feel; and we try hard to understand things and other people rather than just demanding people to understand you like before...

So, when I decide this and that; it's for everybody's best; even if it means I 'suffer'...keep my mouth shut; and go on living like there's still tomorrow even though it might not be a tomorrow...

I just hope I'll be wiser as I get older.

oh matahari sudah di paras bahu, aku pergi dulu.

OOhhhhh Natalieeeeeee

Natalie: When I was 16 I thought by 23, I’d be married. Maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.

Alex: Yeah, life can underwhelm you that way.

Natalie: I mean, where did you think you’d be by…ummm
*Awkward moment*

Alex: Yeaaah..it doesn’t work that way.
Ryan:At certain point, you stop with the deadlines.
Alex: It can be a little counterproductive.

Natalie: I don’t want to say anything that’s anti-feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.

Alex: It was our pleasure.
Ryan: Well done.

Natalie: But sometimes it feels like no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy.

Alex: You really thought this guy was the one?

Natalie: I could have made it work. He..umm..he really fit the bill. You know.

Ryan: The bill?

Natalie: White-collar, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, 6 foot 1, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy, you know, on the weekends. I always imagined he’d have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a four-runner. And the only thing he loves more than me is his golden Lab. And a nice smile. *long pondering moments, which is also awkward* What about you?

Alex: Let me think... You know, honestly, by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. I mean, like, you secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you. Um and not an asshole, would be nice. Just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. Because you don’t think about that when you’re younger. I don’t know. Someone who wants kids. Likes kids. Wants kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Um, please, let him earn more money than I do. You might not understand that now, but believe me, you will one day. Otherwise, that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopedully some hair on his head. But I mean, even that’s not a deal breaker these days. A nice smile…yeah.. a nice smile. Nice smile just might do it.

Natalie: *pondering look* woww..that was depressing.

Alex & Ryan: *Shock look*

Natalie: I should just date women.

Alex: Tried it. We were no picnic ourselves.

Natalie: I don’t mind being married to my career, and I don’t expect it to hold me in bed as I fall asleep. I just don’t want to settle.

Alex: You’re young. Right now you see settling as some sort of a failure.

Natalie: It is. By definition.

Alex: Yeah. But by the time someone is right for you, it won’t feel like settling. And the only person left to judge you would be the 23-year-old girl with a target on your back.

********************************************************************

Dialog borrowed from the movie "Up In The Air" (watched it thrice)..Just to help me show some points. One of which is:

I had a 'bill' once. I mean, I (as like most girls who think about who's she gonna marry *one day*) listed down some characteristics and things that I wanted in my dream man. Though I never actually check and tick or untick the list whilst opening up my arms for who cupid brought in...nonetheless, I think having the hypothetical 'bill' made me someone who searches for 'the one'..which made it all more difficult to really love some one...

weekend and blog-cleaning

Ini lah kerja aku hujung minggu yang baru lepas. Aku pergi Kota Kinabalu untuk 'menjenguk' event Hobbycon. Last event aku pergi pun masa tahun 2003..itu pun event yang anjuran Gempak yang masa tu masih muda2 lagi. Sungguh, aku tidak punya banyak idea tentang event sebegini. kerana sesungguhnya aku pemalu orangnya. aku tidak tipu.

I can't really mix into the crowd to be honest. Oleh itu aku kurang gemar majlis/event keramaian... :| lame..

1. apparently dress aku yang aku paling suka pakai masa jalan jaoh2

2. tudung yang aku suka pakai masa jalan jaoh2 jugak...asyik ni ja attire aku? uhhkk

3. selipar paling huduh kamurang pernah tengok. kuning dan sudah 'berkesan2'...sebelum membalas dendam dan membeli 2 pasang selipar Heatwave. Tapi aku rasa aku tetap akan prefer pakai selipar tu sbb ia sangat selesa

4. bag yang best sbb boleh masuk semua gadget sketch aku ketika travelling ;> termasuk marker pen yang aku guna untuk menconteng ituu

5. aku curi2 melukis di atas canvas itu walaupun aku rasa tidak di benarkan

benda kecil ja yang aku lukis

me with steph rakan lukis :> as you can see, lepas aku p conteng tu dah letak sign "DONT DRAW" ahahahah

with Arthur Stephen pelukis Gintaro. aku terlalu pemalu sehingga terbuat facepalm (dedicated to self) sebab menggeletar bila jumpa sifu hahaha

penaja trip tersebut. Bos besar:D

Though he said he has no idea whatsoever about art and my passion, he still stands there beside me; and just be him while supporting me to be me.

us three

Aku selongkar balik post-post lama aku dalam blog ni. Banyak yang sudah tidak relevant... Jujur aku bilang, pendapat aku tentang hidup dan dunia mungkin tidak banyak berubah semenjak 2 tahun lepas, tapi aku rasa, pendapat aku tentang 'cinta' (urghh) banyak berubah. dan perubahan itu banyak membantu aku beranjak dewasa.

aku masih perlu banyak belajar untuk jadi matang dalam bertindak dan membuat keputusan. berupaya berfikir logik dan waras tidak bermaksud kita boleh jadi matang.

Jadi aku fikir, yang tidak relevant itu, aku teringin sangat buang; delete. tapi ada sesetengah post yang reflect identiti aku; kalau bukan identiti terkini pun, mungkin identiti masa lampau. mungkin post2 sebegitu aku mau simpan. bukan sebab aku masih pengen ingat dan kangen masa lampau itu, tapi sebab aku perlu simpan peringatan dalam arkib personal ini. supaya tidak mengulangi sesetengah tindakan aku yang kurang cerdik.

pembaziran masa & asa atau mengasah belakang parang

Mak aku selalu senyum/gelak/geleng2 kepala bila tgk aku habiskan masa dgn kerja2 melukis, menjahit, mewarna aku. No, no. Don’t get me wrong. Mak aku penyayang dan memahami orangnya. Cuma ya la, kadang2 mestilah dia terfikir, apa lah hasilnya aku habiskan masa dengan benda2 ni.

Kalau aku kata semua ini sekadar hobi dan satu terapi untuk kekalkan kewarasan aku, iya itu cliché yang aku (dan ramai lagi penghabis-masa-dengan-melukis-sekadar-suka2-saja) selalu bagitau pada org2 yang bertanya. Termasuk mak aku.

Tapi sejujurnya, biarlah aku mengaku disini. Aku mengharapkan banyak dari aktiviti-aktiviti aku ini. Bukan sekadar habiskan masa saja. Bukan hasil yang aku simpan dalam portfolio peribadi saja. Bukan setakan yang orang boleh tekan LIKE di fesbuk saja.

Aku sedar aku sekarang macam orang buta teraba-raba. Aku masih belum ada hala tuju yang sebenarnya. Belum ada fokus yang jitu. Usaha ku beselerak. Kadang, aku macam mau marah saja dengan style dan kemahuan yang berhambur-hambur.

Sekejap lukis komik, sekejap lukis ilustrasi bertema, sekejap lukis (cuba) comel2, sekejap lukis horror, sekejap mau menjahit (eh tiba2), sekejap mau tampal2,aaaahhh macam-macam.
Aku ada banyak cita-cita dan aku ada banyak impian. Dan mungkin kepayahan aku untuk fokus kan cita dan impian aku adalah sebab aku belum jumpa identiti seni ku sendiri dan kemahuan aku yang sebenar.

Tapi ini bukan satu masalah yang boleh aku selesaikan macam petik jari. Bukan juga macam soalan add-math masa sekolah menengah. Ini satu perjalanan yang jauh lagi. Dan aku cakap macam itu bukan sebab aku mau procrastinate. Bukan…tapi aku sudah sedar bahwa selama ini aku terlalu gopoh. Mau itu mau ini mau jadi sekian sekian.

Jadi aku rasa aku mau cari platform sambil2 aku cari identiti seni garishalus aku. Mudah2an dalam pada aku mencari itu, aku bole jumpa satu fokus yang jitu (atau mungkin more than one focus? Heheh) yang pentingnya satu impian yang boleh aku rialisasi kan.

Jadi aku mau gembar-gemburkan saja dulu siapa itu waz dan mungkin mengikuti seberapa byk aktiviti seni yang aku mampu. kepada pembaca yang brapa kerat ni, kalau ada aktiviti seni yang korang mau rekemen, plis ba kasitau ya heheh especially para pe-conteng spt aku, sbb aku yakin sharing antara kita amat penting :)

..Sambil asah belakang parang (sbb aku ni macam belakang parang—start dari zero dalam seni), mudah2an tajam jugak nanti.