tahun nie, aku hepi ba..eh..nda nda nda.lebih tepat: aku puas hati... banyak benda yang buat aku beranjak dari my comfort zone. jadi aku bersyukur. kalau bukan pun aku berubah, tapi aku yakin aku sudah bergerak dari satu tahap ke tahap yang lain.
for the time being, i think i know what i expect of myself for the new year. i hope i have enough courage, patience and the will-power to fullfill that expectation.
mintak maaf salah silap saya, terima kasih budi baik jasa anda sekalian.
laying there fully on your back, you were nowhere near dreamland.the ceiling seem whiter than usual.or perhaps it's see-through now.coz right after you closed your eyes, you swore you saw another world beyond that concrete..a familiar world shown like a movie.on repeat.
for a moment there, youre almost sure that you were standing instead of laying; it was cold instead of warm--infact itwas raining and you were watching a couple pass by with the happiest happy face you've ever seen.
or maybe you were moving--walking, towards places you always go to at times like these coz youre quite sure your muscles are moving.you felt a familiar wind blow through your face and you were sure it wasnt from the fan hanging on the ceiling. and for a moment there, you were pretty sure you werent alone. coz you thought you heard a very familiar voice; you heard a distant sincere laugh and you smell something so sweet you really wana hold out your hand and reach that--
thats when you realized you've been holding your breath.you opened your mouth suddenly and gasp for air. you curl up to your side coz the pain on your chest was just too heavy. in your head too and maybe--your whole body.
your eyes are now wide opened.breathing quickly. and then steadily...you pull up your blanket up to your head and cover your face.
then you thought about friends.they dont drag you back down when you're trying really hard to get yourself up from a fall..it's just wrong...youre sure about that..but well..maybe it's just something you hold on to. maybe its different for someone else.
when you're eyes are tired, you closed them up.and the familiar yet different world will come alive again.and you'll wonder around that land to search for a familiar soul.
finally got the chance to drive mak to Kampung Padas. i spent a few years of my childhood in this kampung.
rumah aku di kampung ini sudah dirobohkan hampir 8 tahun lepas. sebab tiada penghuni kecuali beberapa jenis haiwan dan...penghuni-penghuni halus *penduduk lain kata*. tapi rumah2 keluarga masih tegak, tapi kosong juga semua. keluarga2 sudah berpindah ke bandar atas sebab2 yang tidak dapat dielakkan. kandang2 ayam masa mak pelihara ayam dulu pun semua sudah lama dirobohkan.kata bankcrupt.ladang yang dulu isi pokok jambu, rambutan, salat, pisang2, padi, terap, durian, semua dah hilang. digantikan dengan kelapa2 sawit yang dahulunya memang kalau dikira lebih menguntungkan. tapi sejak kebelakangan ini, harga sawit jatuh mendadak. habis semua harapan keluarga. habis semua frasa kata "aku akan bayar guna duit sawit nanti". tapi tidak mengapa. punca rezeki masih banyak. nasib mak tidak pernah letak harapan yang besar atas sawit ni.
jadi, tanah mak sekangkang kera yang dulu nya tapak rumah dan kandang2 ayam tu sekarang juga 'penuh' pokok2 kelapa sawit. usia pokok2 ni masih muda. buah nya pun tidak banyak. jadi mengupah orang untuk mengangkut buah2 sawit ke tempat pemborong memang buang duit. jadi memang mak buat sendiri semua. hari ni, ialah sekali lagi hari bertuah aku.
drive hilux dalam jalan kampung waktu2 musim tengkujuh macam ni memang buat darah aku membuak2 sebenarnya..buat muka biasa, tapi sebenarnya--excited! cuma, kena sopan sikit sebab ada penumpang. dan memunggah buah2 sawit ni atas kereta memang lagi satu kerja seronok. mungkin yang kuat bersukan akan faham kenapa kerja ini seronok. peluh. penat. puas.
sikit.tapi mak kata hasil kali ni banyak sedikit dari bulan lepas. mak puas hati.
lepas siap kerja, ambil gambar haiwan2 yang memang sah suka publisiti.
ingat masa kecil2 mandi dekat perigi ni. sekarang sudah usang. tapi air tetap sejuk dan bersih.
bila berdiri depan pagar ni aku ingat, masa tu kandang ayam bertelur ada kat sebelah kiri kanan, dua tiga buah. bau tahi ayam semerbak boleh buat baja. pokok2 jambu. jambu2 busuk jatuh atas tanah. pokok rambutan tiga pohon berderet. benih jenis 22, 23, 24. kata mak. yang bagus pokok tengah. benih jenis 23. 'koyakan' digelar nya. ingat-ingat-lupa. padi. pondok.
tidak mengapa.
masa pulang, tidak boleh kalau tidak singgah ladang tebu. pengusahanya proses tebu di situ juga.jual air tebu paling pure aku pernah rasa.sampai kadang2 aku rasa aku boleh rasa ke-ikhlas-annya proses tebu2 yang dia tanam, dia jaga, dia tuai, dia proses jadi airtebu.
cool.
when i was driving just now, i remembered this particular scene i had a few years back. i was in KL. masa tu dalam LRT. ada seorang perempuan tua. nampak macam visually impared.sebelah dia ada seorang budak kecil..dia tengah pandang2 luar cermin gerabak lrt tu. macam budak2 biasa. nampak macam interested dengan dunia. maybe i was starring too hard on that child and the old lady, she turned her face straight to me with this look. it was...like...sort of...the sort of look you'll give when you are trheatened with something. dia terus paut tangan perempuan tua dekat sebelah dia.bukan 'pautan' anak yang di jaga, tapi 'pautan' dia yang menjaga. mungkin muka tu muka protective. dan aku rasa budak tu terlebih matang untuk budak seusia dia.
tadi masa mak buang sampah dekat tempat kumpul sampah ada beberapa budak tengah kuis2 sampah. kumpul barang2 yang orang lain buang untuk digunapakai semula. dunia di sini gelar mereka ni 'pengambal'. kau rasa apa sebenarnya yang buat mereka berada di situ?
hm.
makcik aku sebut pasal 'mak kau makan garam dulu dari kau' tadi. buat aku terfikir: berapa lama perlu kita makan garam, baru kita tahu garam tu masin?
aman macam sudah mula beri tanda mengikut jejak2 langkah abang & kakak2nya. buat aku terfikir: perlukah kita memegang api baru kita tahu api itu panas?
menunggu buat aku merasa: kalau masa itu emas, kenapa kita perlu menunggu masa untuk mengajar kita sesuatu, untuk menunjukkan kita jalan, untuk mengubat luka di hati, untuk mengubah kita? membazirnya emas semua tu. ironik rasa nya, sebab, kadang2 memang masa saja lah yang boleh buat semua tu.
hmm.
dari ketika aku baring, sampai aku terlena, masa untuk merenung segala-galanya. aku tak minta untuk memahami semuaya. tapi aku minta aku memahami cukup apa yang perlu untuk aku berjalan ke arah yang betul.
ps. 1: i can assure you, i do have a diary, but i would never write like this inside my diary. the audience for both written texts are different.
ps. 2: thank you so much for the push. you make me learn so much.
for days now, i have been listening to Craig Armstrong's Piano Works. it is a marvelous way of making your heart and brain numb and empty of all feelings and thoughts coz the scores are too haunting. expecially *my fav* "in my own words"... it's just perfectly suicidal to listen to tht song. beautiful. :D
and so with the terrible flu and headaches ive been having *for days too*, i spend a lot of time today, sleeping. i cant seem to open my eyes. my head hurts so badly, it still hurts even now. my house will be undergoing renovations starting this sunday, so i have to get well by then so i wouldnt need that much of sleep coz it will b damn too noisy to sleep.
n so for today's rantings... on questions and dreams.. some things in this world will never be understood by humans coz our brains have their limitations. so some questions in this life, this world, this universe, can never be answered.this is a fact. a simple fact that, really, should only makes us stronger, wiser and happier. a limitation that would not make us less of a value, but make us even better. aint that a marvel. there's a connection there *between the limitation and being better* that i cant really explain in detail but im sure, regular readers know where im going with this.
so... i remember, i have been so rebelious in my teenage years because i keep trying and trying to search for answers of why some really bad things happened to me...i did found some possible answers *which i seriously thought was the real concrete answers at that time* that not only made me more rebelious but also made me even more lost. 'answers' that only made me drift further and further away from the truth.
but now...i think i know i dont have to have all the answers to all my questions. i know this long before, but as i have said repeatedly before, some things--you just know about em but you dont really know em, understand em..untill you really do...right..
so perhaps..i just realize, really3 realize--that i should just let go of those certain questions. this is not the act of giving up before a fight, coz if you really know me and what i have been through, i did go through a hell of a fight. its actually the result of confidence and certainty in that One true power.so let it go. it feels so much lighter, my shoulders. heh
letting go of those questions doesnt mean i let go of my dreams and my efforts realizing those dreams... in fact, letting go of those questions make me even more motivated to go forward and to hold on to those dreams. my mom always say this when i talk about my dreams
"jangan lah kau suka2 mau cakap pasal itu semua, ina... kita tida tau apa yang ada di depan..nanti kau cakap2, tida juga jadi, na...apa kau mau buat.."
so much that i love my mother, i do get heart broken everytime she said this. but well, i cant blame her...she might be right. anyway, she might be trained to be think that wayby the way life has treated her,so...ermm...but well, i disagree. because, for me, those dreams should exist as an aim. those dreams should be talked about as a motivation. coz, i believe that, the more we talk about it, the more it sounds concrete. its like doing those routine of saying things repeatedly *like in prayers and other routines*..the more you say it, with all your heart, the more you believe in them...right?
so...i want to have a 4x4 suv jeep-like. i dont think im capable of having a wrangler with my near-future income.so maybe a suzuki jimny would do. heehhhh or anything similar.as long as it has the capability of entering the most difficult route in Sabah. say--around Ranau or some high and rural lands in Sabah. Kundasang? Tambunan?
area2 tu ialah area2 family belah ayah. but no..i did not dream for a car so that i can go and find him..
i dream to have a car that can go to those places coz in those regions, there must be high schools. in those schools, there must be students. students who have dreams too. students who are capable in terms of brain capacity to realize those dreams. but they couldnt talk about them in front of their mothers and relatives and blablabla coz those dreams seem imposible.
i wouldnt blame them parents. to a certain extent, they're probably true. and to a certain extent too, those dreams might vanish from those students lips, and then from their minds, and then from their hearts.
what makes those dreams seem imposible to them? money ofcourse.
and when we talk about money+education= scholarship. this might sound offensive to some, but, i do believe there is something wrong with our scholarship division or with the way they decide (or who ever that decides) to whom the scholarships are given to coz...coz...i think, there are intelligent but economically-unfortunate students out there..bbut where are they??aku patut sudah berjumpa dengan mereka sepanjang perjalanan academic aku..tapi setakat ni, aku jarang jumpa..oleh itu, aku membuat andaian bahawa terlalu sedikit jumlah pelajar miskin yang menerima biasiswa besar.
but that is just my thoughts based on what i personally see through my life.i might be wrong.but whether im right or wrong, i still have to help those children with big dreams..yeahhh!!i want to help them find their way to earning their scholarships.
hehehe hmm hurm
but if one day, when i realize that some of my many dreams could not become reality, i should let go of them and talk about new dreams...
I just feel the need to update my blog today. Bcoz ive been sitting and drawing for too long-- I feel my eyes are gonna pop out. so I think sitting and staring on the screen will definitely be a good reward for my hard work. Owh yeah.right. And plus the flu and headache; my work-stress mounts on; hence the need to brag about every tiny thing that came across my mind during the hard work.
First:I thought about the phrase ‘see you later’ or ‘see you soon’ or ‘see you when I see you’. Definitely lovely phrases. but then i thot: the imprecise implication of when exactly that time of see-ing comes will just exaggerate the waiting. Then the beauty of these phrases instantly vanished from my mind.
Second: I thought about “risks” and the syndrome of NOT taking risks. and I don’t know why that I just realize this now but there are too many people around me, including meee, are suffering from this syndrome. We avoid risks like neo dodge bullets.
I readlly don’t know how exactly to put my thoughts properly on words but let me just babble around and see if you do get my point.
Sometimes, we are afraid of taking a different route just because we are very used to the road that we are walking on. Even when we come up to crossroads, we’ll just take the one road that lots of people had said to have less trouble, less risks. And at other times, we even stop walking just because the road up ahead of us is full of risks.
we stopped walking! (?)
think of all the things that we might find by taking a different route or by keep walking on that risky road… of course we might get hurt, might lose something, might get lost, but those are the collateral damage that might get us to that ‘better’ point/phase/place…cant you see?
we learn the poem ‘the road not taken’ in our high schools,right, maybe you should just recall what you’ve learn *or start analyzing for those who didn’t learn it at school*maybe there’s some similarities of what Im trying to say.or not.
So..herm..maybe that is obvious for all of you. But my personal point is that..hurmm..every day, I feel like I have to make a decision, *lots of decisions but this particular one is currently the most important to me* whether to stay or leave..and I was wondering—“did I just take on the less risky decision today?"
Hey…but then…*changes mind* maybe, every decision has risks..even the decision to stop walking.. it is just the matter of which decision is more cleverer…or was it all about benefits???
O-my-God..did I just got lost in my own point? tssskkk....Screw that..it’s just my insignificant point of view anyway. *in a very bimbo way of saying it*
Then, third: I got these series of words, phrases..flashing through my mind while I took a break at noon just now.on the right are possible explanations of why i was thinking those thoughts.
without a real reason: a line from faust arp by RH you wore red pants: Thom was wearing red pants in a show. i wonder if i wore red pants pick up the garbage: my head's a mess.too much irrelevant thoughts like garbage left me in the dark. sun rise,rain drops: these days, usually, the sun will shine in the morning, but it will rain in the afternoon hold your hand: no explanation needed hold my tongue: i cant talk have a question: too many questions unanswered fall.
and also these phrases. what's IT? i have no idea.
it's an addiction.its a sickness without cure. it's a paranoia. it's a contradiction. it's the leap off the highest point of your life; it is the free-fall. it's the best crime. it's the runaway; it is the hiding. it's the wolf. it's the night when there's too much light. it's the aching sensation of a thrust in your chest. it's the breathing. it's the sighing. it's the thinking. it's the numbness of your feelings. it's the forgetting not the forgiving.
Then I remember, fourth: I don’t believe everything tht people call facts. Coz I think some facts are always something that people still can manipulate. But then I watched this show on tv yesterday i think n I find this fascinating:
this is difficult. i dont know where to start. maybe we should start with Einstein's general relativity theory he thought that that was the theory for 'everything' and 'everywhere'.
then, came the quantum mechanics theory Einstein never fully agree with the quantum mechanics theory because of his stand about scientific determinism, but he did some collaborative experiments and it resulted in confirmation of the quantum theory. this theory also claimed to be the theory for 'everything' and 'everywhere'.
so there cant be two such theory. and Einstein was still obsessed with finding a unified and simplified (physics) theory that can be apply/describe the whole of the universe and everything in it. one theory. so he tried to 'combine' those two theories or atleast try to relate them. but because these two theories basically contradict each other, they cant actually be unified to be one.
he tried hard untill the day he died but he still didn’t get to realize his dream of the unification.
i probably got all of that wrong.. but what is wrong; what is right? those are theories anyway and Einstein's history is written by humans too. so go do your own extended homework if youre not satisfied, but that's what i think i understood from that show.
and so this small ‘fact’ that you guys probably have known since you were five really fascinates me. and so, after watching that it made me think about lots more things… and I sort of linked it to all of my limited and very shallow knowledge of the world..and of course, I came into the exact same answer: the main point of this entry
Hurm. so i came to the conclusion that: I have forgotten again, haven’t I?
and another thing, lastly: when i wasnt thinking about those stuffs, *which actually means most of the time* my mind was actually filled with the thoughts about one single soul.
tsk2.degilnya waznah.
Aku berdiri di atas bayangan hari-hari nya Kadang hingga aku hilang tubuh sendiri Adakah itu indah Adakah itu celaka
Susur emosi dan tindaknya menjadi pasak akal dan emosi ku sejujurnya, dia ilham ku adakah itu indah adakah itu celaka
adakah indah dan celaka itu berbeza.
okay.muka aku rasa cam dah bengkak. sekian, slamat malam/pagi.
aku pun tidak tahu apakah yang telah aku lakukan ini dan untuk apa.
mungkin juga aku ingin menunjukkan bahawa aku sangat 'gembira' dengan hidup ku pada saat ini.aku bersyukur dengan apa yang aku tidak ada dan apa yang aku ada.
mungkin juga tadi aku hampir menyebabkan kereta emak aku meletup. oleh itu aku merasa aku adalah seorang anak yang sangat baik, sopan santun dan sangat baik.juga sangat baik. terlupa hendak menyertakan: sangat baik.
mungkin juga aku sudah penat untuk berfikir kenapa dan mengapa dan apa ada pada dia lalu aku tidak mahu berhenti melakukan sesuatu yang boleh menghalang fikiran aku untuk berfikir hal tersebut.
mungkin juga aku ada kerja yang lebih penting seperti melukis tetapi aku suka menangguh lalu aku mencari sebab untuk menangguh.
ini lah yang telah aku lakukan sejak dari tadi:
beberapa cadangan dalam cara untuk menyebut owh-yeah berserta gambar klik rajah untuk visual lebih jelas
kenapa pada waktu-waktu fikiran bercelaru, aku susah hendak tidur? nanti aku bilang kambing biri-biri supaya cepat tidur. tetapi mungkin sekarang aku lebih selesa untuk tidak tidur kerana bimbang pula nanti bila aku matikan komputer riba aku ini, aku merasa sunyi. apabila sunyi, aku bertambah celaru. aku kira-kira tadi, aku mahu baca buku. aku kira-kira lagi, aku mahu lukis kartun. kira-kira lagi, aku mahu menulis. rupa-rupa nya kiraan ku salah semuanya. aku dengan otomatis nya telah menyelongkar kembali gambar-gambar lama di komputer ribaku dan mengumpul gambar-gambar yang menyengat hati pilu. kemudian aku meletakkan gambar-gambar pilu ini di satu tempat yang aku bisa elakkan. setelah itu, aku pun melakukan kerja yang tadi disebut itu (rujuk rajah atas).
kemudian, anda pun tersedar betapa merepeknya entry kali ini..oleh itu, anda pergi ke poll yang telah disediakan disebelah kanan layar blog ini lalu mengundi bahawa blog ini harus ditutup.
kanan..kanan..tidak--tidak..kanan...right..to your right,..more right,..yes..yes..to the right..your right..up a bit..more..up..moree...owh you missed it..down a bit.yeah..owh no..not that one..the other one...yes..yes...
baiklah. aku rasa, di sini adalah tempat yang sesuai untuk aku katakan dialog yang aku tidak mampu untuk katakan di dunia sebenar. oleh itu, biar aku katakan saja di sini ya.
kepada 'kau' (plural): aku yakin kau hebat. jangan risau, aku tidak akan cuba sangsi dengan kehebatan kau itu. oleh kerana kau terlalu hebat, kau bolehlah memperkecilkan aku, silakan lah.aku tidak akan sangkal kan apa yang kau cakap. xD
kepada 'kau' (singular): aku yakin kau sungguh selesa hidup begitu, tapi janganlah sia-siakan hidup aku pula.
kepada wanita besi paling besi aku pernah jumpa: emak, aku mintak maaf dengan siapa aku kerana aku tahu emak tetap sayang aku walau bagaimana pun aku ini.aku cuba menjadi lebih baik.
aku pun tidak tahu bila aku akan puas hati dengan entry ini--cukup puas hati untuk berhenti menaip ayat-ayat yang tidak penting untuk orang lain pun.
baiklah.aku sudah puas hati.kerana tiada sudah perkara lain yang aku hendak repekkan.
selamat malam.
ps: konstruksi ayat-ayat adalah inspirasi daripada usher akbar.
i drove toyota hilux double-cab on LD-SDK route for 3 hours straight. not an 'easy' car. not an easy route. iman puked inside the car half way so definitely no air-conditioning. i had migraine.
but thats okay.
i spent two days working on another full-page artwork but i couldnt give it to abg rom coz there's too much mistakes.
but that's okay.
people gave me hard time just because of my social-economic class and my background.
that is still *quite* okay.. (m'hm..m'hm..)
you're not around???
then THAT'S NOT OKAYYY!!!! okay?
i amaze myself sometimes..for a pessimist (self-proclaimed status which recently has been doubted) i am pretty optimistic..okayh maybe not optimistic....maybe---just--persistent (?)...
well i dont know. so much for the persistence-- i am 'seeing' exit doors already..
"girls...they change their mind too many times..." suka hati aku lah.
good morning ppl... i feel better after crying like crazy last night. this life is just GREAT. dont u agreee? ;D
so, 05.12.08, Senah, Joe and me went to Tawau for maslianah's hepppiiieee day. for me, the road trip's (supposed to be) more exciting..its my first road trip with friends here in Sabah. ive done it kat semenanjung, done it in nz but yeah i had not done it here in sabah till that day.
so the plan was: Joe will pick us up from our homes at 7 and we'll meet up with Dunk (driving a different car) and leave sandakan at around 8.
yeah right.
Joe pick me up at nearly 8. we did a few rounds around sandakan to send Sen's brother to her granny's house and to Joe's to send breakfast to his sisters. after all of that, we finally on our way..i think it was around 9...but alas...Joe still manage to came up with another problem to delay the trip; sort of. he hadnt pump the tires for the long drive. we started our journey anyway,we planned to stop by any gas station on the way to pump them up. and tada..we manage to stop 4 stations before we get to the one with the working pump. tu pun masa kami sda d batu32 *check point*. so Dunk couldnt wait for us nomore. we'll meet up at Lahad Datu anyway when she's picking up Waidah and (supposedly) the boys (Boy and Ateh).
Joe: "baru lega hati ku ba.." he refused to be distracted with my stories before he pump the tires. he was scared. SO WHY CANT YOU PUMP THEM LAST NIGHT??..Joe gelak jeh. damn. hehe but the team was great. during the trip the stories didnt stop flowing out. from planning about businesses and to discussing about heart aches and relationships, we discuss *sometimes more to debating* over it..
and we did stop at SMSLD. damn it brought back memories. no one was there at first. we took pictures and stuffs. walk around the classes. laugh about things that we remember. yerp. the 'good' old days..yah...but before we left, Sensei Safian came and we talked to him for a few minutes under the hot sun in front of the guardhouse..he was going out and we had to stop to sign out anyway. *sensei safian was smoking..and it was damn weird to see that* hahahahahah
sapa nda ingat jalan masuk nieh? mo kenak pukul nieh..!
this is the only pic i got. the rest's wif sen.huhu n she's in kk. damn
so we did meet up at LD. Waidah joined in. but Boy and Ateh didnt. we had lunch together. before we got back on the road.
the trip that was supposed to take up untill 6-7 hours the most had become an almost-10 hours trip. am i exagerating? should ask Sen about that. Joe's a good driver..its just that he's not too experienced with the SANDAKAN-TAWAU route. with the big trucks, winding roads and talks that requires half of his brain processing, all that forced him to drive only as fast as 60-70 kmph..dont blame him... he didnt even asked me to switch and drive instead...he's a really good guy..hihihi but its a shame, ladies, he's owned.. ;P
so we reached Tawau. went to the Tawau mosque. fetch Tini and went straight to Maslianah's place. Dunk, Waidah, Mia and Hany was already there. i went straight to Mas's room and cried with her for awhile..dramatik sial..hahahaha damn i miss her and the others too..hehehehe it felt great to finally meet them again. :D
there's a ceremony that night, berzanji. as i am the ignorant bitch that i am, i only brought a pair of baju kurung for the nikah tomorow morning. so i refuse to attend the berzanji. but Mas insisted that i come and lend me another beautiful pair of baju kurung..hihihi THANX HEAPS mas!!!! :D
that night, after all the rituals, we *all the girls* gathered in the bilik pengantin and talk...yeah you can imagine all the dirty jokes we pull out about first nights...ngahahahahahaha but well, the other girls are so innocent and pure, i couldnt bring myself to joke about it too much. control2. hahah but then...Mas dengan baik hatinya menceritakan cerita indah nya..the story from the moment Muslimin proposed untill the time she accepted it.
saat2 penceritaan cerita yang indah
mas yg mmg cantikkkkk..the night before the nikah
budak2 psycho.. u still look like a bride, Mas...no matter how monyet you acted..bilang pun modern bride kan...hihi
it was a long yet beautiful story..i really wanted to cry listening to the story but, i cant. i duno y. maybe i was saving up the tears for later.heh coz i was about to confront a very shocking face-slap moment...which i didnt expect at all...
but after berzanji, we went out to eat together. i was a bit dissapointed that the gathering went too fast. i was expecting something more relaxed. more like...'ngeteh' tahap maksimus. like take our time, eating, drinking more than a glass of what-ever-we're-drinking, reminiscing, talking, debating, laughing, maybe some crying...what ever..but..before i knew it, we were already leaving the table and walking off to our cars saying our good night and 'see you tomorrow's...well..maybe we're not that old to do all the melepak..maybe we will be able to do that when we're like 30-40...hahahahaha tapi nanti sda kerja, mesti lagi susah mau jumpa2..damnnn
budak tu pun pening amek order kami
na..apa kamu rasa aku crita2 sama si agus ha..naaa...agus sekarang makin bitter i tell you..hahahaha
the shocking face-slap moment happened the next morning...definitely a moment to remember. hurm... but that's a finished story. closed. all i know, that incident have opened my eyes..some things in this world didnt change at all. and we cant do anything about it. i just have to remember where i stand.
so...the next thing is the nikah. maybe im not suppose to say this, but i was glad Sen is who she is. she helped a lot with the ceremony. with the others too. pagi tu agak kelam kabut..but hey, it was a wedding day right. wedding days are suppose to be hectic, right? heheheh but Izzat, Sabri, Fizzy did come. we didnt get to chat long though, coz everyone was bz with the wedding and after the ceremony, Waidah and Sen had to leave early so we sort of part our ways earlier than we should..nda sempat mo beronggeng sama2 lama2..huhu some other time guys..
muke aku yg cam sial lepas terkena tamparan hebat earlier.we were waiting for another couple's nikah (the crowd at my back) to finish off before we set up the place for Mas' nikah.
muka sial lagi..pabila di bandingkan dengan muka pengantin, aduh..Mas, you look stunning :D
after that, the bride and groom went back to the bride's house for more ceremonies. maen tol kat pintu la, apa lah..aku pun tak paham..but well..i will understand them when my time comes. but ya Allah, bile la nak datang hari tuh..hahahah with the current situation of my love-life it'd b damn long before i get into my white dress.
we started our long trip home at around 2pm i think and reached home around 8+. poor Joe. he was pretty stressed out with the driving. when it was starting to get dark, it was also starting to rain heavily which caused the traffic to slow down.he couldnt see the road clearly but he kept driving coz his parents were worried about why he took too long to bring us home.. hehe i was pretty scared but i coulndt shut my mouth from babbling. heh sorry, Joe. we sure owe him a lot for driving all the way.
once more, i apologize..most of the pictures i have in my mc is too ugly to be exposed, the rest of pics are with Sen, i bet she will upload them when she's back from kk.
we can learn anything from anyone, from anything depends on us whether we wana learn or not
ofkos its an obvious thing.saje nak merepek.it isnt like i hv other better things to do.
nyway.i think its a good intro for my teaching career nanti. every 'first time' in a new class i will make that a point. eheeh n maybe throw in a bit of a speech..perhaps like this one:
i cant say that i can teach you all the things you need to know *in this small field of english* before you dive into the real world..i cant say that i can teach you all tht the curriculum demands you to know *coz some of it is crap which i wont b bothered to teach u anyway*. i cant promise you if you study hard n smart you can pass that exam n then u can have a happy life ever after *some ppl i know who were labeld 'best students' got into deep-shit after leaving school*..i cant promise you that when i teach, you will learn something..i cant promise you i will teach you anything.. all i can say is that..if you want to learn, i will try to help you..
hows tht for my opening speach?? ahahahah corny~
erm.im thinking of being a teacher da. hurm. well. bile lagi kan. warm up is necessary. ahah...yerp2.baru sekarang~...
one of my cuzin kene pinang ari tu. on wednesday actually. semalam ke tuh? eh..hurmm heheh lost track of time. too much daydreaming? hm anywy.i feel its quite funny coz i grew up wif her.. n..she's a teacher. so being in the same field, aku pun bukak la crita pasal jadi cikgu ni day before the thing. so i told her, "im not planning to be a teacher forever. i plan to get 'out' after i finished my contract which will probably b more than 5 years..blablabla..."
her reaction:
"so what DO you plan to do?? *tone sedikit berbaur malas nak layan n tak pecaya akan mende yg aku sebut tuh* when u're in it, it'll be too comfortable to get 'out'..u'll lose ur enthusiasm n u'll be in it forver.."
she was washing her car while talking. :|
i kept quiet... i cant think of anything at tht moment. not even right now.
n then i remember that lecturer..whats her name again?..damnit, waz.. she said "u'll love it (teaching). believe me. you will love it till u forget abt leaving"
let it be.we'll see how things go.
tumoro, a few old frens n me r going on a road trip to Tawau. a good 330km from here. its like 6-7 hours of driving. Maslianah Mariali is getting married. that same person who said she would be the last one from our batch (1999-2003 smsld) to marry. eheheh klaka. it'd b great im sure. i'l try to post some things abt the ceremony here when i get back.
life's been great ya know.things r great.i just realize 'it' was all just bad habits. heh *tired grin*
life is infact a long learning process. all those phrases..all those cliches...well not all..some of em. like..shit i cant think of any now. but ive been saying it, i heard about it, i talked abt it, i was told abt it...but now..now..i think, i understand it more...u know..aihh...i wish i could tell the whole world about this feeling...im happy, you know..not happy im-dancing-everything's-colorful-my-heart-is-filled-with-flowers kind of happy...but i feel a bit..at ease... i--am...--okay. im okay
wow..if u really know who i am, me--saying--im okay without the 'kot' is like really amazing... ;P
heh
i seriously hate straight lines (silverchair) when it first came out. so i never listened to the new album till someone sort of throw it onto me n so, im stuck with the album at the moment. n this is my fav song; currently. n i surfd utube for its live version n so far, this is th best i think
nice.
owh this is another version of it.the Dissociatives (dan's side band) version. i think its pretty awesome.seriously.
one more thing. I wish i could replay many moments, to change my part in them. But each moment became an intrinsic part of our pattern and a small shift would have made a pattern so different, it wouldn't have belonged to who we became. (from leaning towards infinity)
and
i still find myself wanting to stay, more than i want to leave. so let me just linger.
scene one: i was surfing on the internet.browsing thru some random pics of ppl.reading sum comments.i found something i thot was a lil funny so i laugh a bit..n then i sort of 'push' my laugh till i laugh n laugh thinking how the thing wasnt actly funny but i need the laugh n then the laugh wasnt abt the thing anymore but it was a laugh for the laugh tht was caused by the desperate need of a laugh.
scene two: Iman (my nephew) was very 'good' with technology. he can push buttons n click on mouses. he likes to sit with me with my lappy n mess with the arrows on the keyboard.so i opened a folder containing some of my pics from the welly days n let Iman push the up, down, left, right keys; changing from one pic to another.n then we came upon a very meaningful pic.
i laughed at first. remembering the story behind it n the conversation i had with someone while looking at tht pic. Iman laughed too coz i was laughing. he just likes to imitate ppl. n then my laughter faded n it was instantly changed to sadness.or was it too much yearning?--i covered my face coz i just realized tears were alredi streaming down my face. Iman stopped laughing too maybe coz he didnt hear me laughing nomore. he looked up to me and sed "tee...tee...(auntie)" in a really small n soft voice (which is unusual for Iman). i put my hands down. i looked at him.n he opened his hands n he hugged me (on my neck actually) n pet me on my back. "ngisshh..ngishh (nangis), tee..tee.." n we just kept quiet for awhile before i shutdown my lappy n go downstairs.i cant look at thm pictures nomore at tht moment.
Iman is 2+ years old.i think.
i felt: kosong.
hm
currently i am jump-reading. three books. one called leaning towards infinity. another is (still) Alice's adventures in wonderland+through the looking-glass.n another one is a random book i found under my brother's bed--no porn mag down thr apparently--its called mystery of the five bright keys. hihi sometimes i found myself reading through the words, flipping through pages, but actually am not following th story cuz my mind is sumwer else.the words JUST DONT FORM STORIESSS ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
hurm.
the problem with being at home is that, i am someone else. well, technically, i am--ME, this someone else IS ME, coz she IS A PART OF ME...but damn it! i cant really do what i want, say what i want, n ..u know wat i mean~ i cant keep quiet.i cant daydream.mommy will think something is wrong with me.she'll think im unhappy.i can not NOT eat. i cannot NOT sleep. i cannot puff my thoughts away *3 days clean*. i cannot komplen abt life, mom will laugh at my complaints coz ofkos for a person like her n the things tht she went thru, my life is not anywer near as tuf as hers.
i hv to apear hepi, hv no personal problems, no bad habits. i cannot show that i am unhappy, thus i cannot BE unhappy.in a way i think, that just makes me more stressd.wat i can do, however, is to run around n jump around like monyet, make cat sounds, laugh my head off, go manja2 with mom, ask her to comb my hair, scream at the top of my lungs with iman, be his horse, make him fly, be his monster, dance with him n appear as happy as i can which in a way release sum stress. dont get me wrong, i am happy. i am happy to be with my family (actually only half of my family left). but, demmit...i cant get myself to let go some things okay...n im still learning some new skills too (like: not following your heart all the time) which sometimes stress me out.so..lalala.tak bleyh impulsive da.tak bleyh follow my intuition da.tak bleyh..tak bleyh...
on th other hand, eventho i can act like those semonyet yg boleyh, i still hv to apear mature enuf so i can mara2 my sis when she come home late ke, or give mom my opinion abt my brothers ke, or abt our household's economy ke, i hv to appear yakin with my opinions decisions blablabla...really contrary these two characters eyh. so when i go to my room, lock the door, lay down on the bed...i feel...empty...i dun have anyone to tell exactly how i feel.
who cares how i feel anyway.no one.no.one.
thats childish tho, i think, to hope for someone to care abt how one really feels.isnt it?
i realize i got my writing momentum back.perhaps its becoz its another way i can channel my thoughts, stress n watever.other thn those physical acts. tumoro i hv to start wif my drawing too. 2+ months since the last artwok i think.n abg rom dah tanye2 y i was 'silent' oredi.hurm.
wat ever happened to tht power-supplier? i hv no idea.
its sad, aint it, to realize, tho life isnt just abt us ourselves, we still are alone at the end of th day...okay maybe its not sad..its just..that..fact.
im learning to let go. wait. that is not letting go. maybe..its more..like...im learning to ..something...amm.. tsk. watever it is, I AM LEARNING SOMETHING. so just give me more time.
my two years in welly. its funny. all those things tht ive gone thru, i put em in my past..put it all behind me..n wen i look back..everything was dark, every face was unclear..except that face..that face in thm crowd is all tht matters....wait..its in my past so it shld go lyke tht face in thm crowd was all tht mattered. past tense. past.
watever happened?
a fren said tht, i can change. i just need tyme. or maybe a miracle. wif th look of it at the moment, i think i found my miracle. miracle in this context isnt something beautiful.not something fairy-ly hepi.not something bright, shiny, happy, or wat.but it is neither shitty nor fakap.
it is only one small fact. (which im not gona tell u coz telling u require me to tell the other exciting story of my life which i bet everyone wants to hear *yakin je aha* n yes i do wana tell everyone *uhu, uhu*, its just tht i hv neither the guts nor the full-understanding of the whole situation myself to be able to tell them, but i'd just say i wont tell coz i don wan to, to avoid the need of an extended n uncut explanation)
that small fact. which becomes the bBBIIIGGG push. n the BIIIGGG Slap on the face. voila.my miracle.
nomore excuses. nomore leaning towards the infinity.*hv to read tht book to understand what infinity represent other than the infinite value in mathematics*
all this crap-- i can change my mind abt em tumoro, u know..fak..
dammmnnniittt~!!! there's a small moth in my coffee!! wen did it gt there??? kesian drown.but MY COFFEEEE!!!! tak sempat nak habis kan!! that put aside, if u havent noticed, all those crap uve read is only there to show tht: i cant deny how much i am still deeply, stupidly, unrealistically, irrationally, fakaply--in--love.
"...i wonder if i've been changed in the night? let me think: was i the same when i got up this morning? i almost think i can remember feeling a little different. but if i'm not the same, th enext question is, Who in the world am i? ah, that's the great puzzle!"
--alice
tu pemandangan pagi terakhir aku kat welly for a long *hopefully not too long* time...taken from waiteata.
so far, im still a bit confused.pusing ngan transisi dua alam nieh. (alam msia ngan nz eh, nothing to do with alam laen2..huhu) i still need some more time to re-adjust.
eheh let me do a short list. sebab dah banyak sangt lsit 1st, biar ak buat list abt 'second' plak..:D the second ___ that i _____ when i reached home..
1. the second person that i hug in the airport was Iman. after my mom. they're the only ppl tht come to take me home anyway. ;P
2. the second thing that i ate was a traditional bugis kuih called Barongko' (or so i believe tht is the way the name is spelled)..best siot....perghh...
3. the second thing tht i drank was (n still is drinking) a cup of kopi 3 in 1 on ice yg sedapppp sekali...ni sebenarnya bekalan mak aku g pasar..tapi sekali sekala la eh mommy~ ;P
4. the second thing that i did tht made mom sigh was jumping around the house with iman whom instantly become my best friend/kamching.
5. the sweeeeettttt n lemakkkssssssssss smeeellll of cempedak is the second thing that..alamak..okok..this one, is actually the first. the first smell tht i notice in the house was that smell...aduhh..but i hv to wait till tumoro to fry them..eheh~~
6. hmm...aalalalal...alamak..moood da tukar arah.
heh. mom has to sleep after 8 everyday. my big brother's not here anymore. my lil bro's still studying. ema's usually out; nyway, i dont talk to her much. so here i am.
the simplest excuse i can make up for this weird feeling inside me is that i left my heart back in Welly. i still cant accept tht im here oredi.not thr. not anywhere else. n now tht im not with sai nemore, i hv to get use to msia w/o his companion. i just realize how much i'd depended on him all the while i was in IPBA b4 i went to nz. n i thought i was independant back then. silly.
my guitar pun dah berhabok. so is the dvd player. the comp needs to be checked out coz something is definitely wrong with it just tht i duno anything abt PCs. hm.kene a aku yg berabih guna suma bende balek nieh..yeahhh~!!
thr's an empty room in this house.how amazing. the house tht never has enough room has an empty one now. i hate tht whenevr i walk around this house, i always find myself terkejut beruk coz i always thot i saw sumthing from the corner of my eyes. demit--this is MY home! umah sendiri ni.cam org aseng je kan.tsk2.
8th of nov.ape la aku nak buat with my last 2 weeks in welly.ape la pun yg aku mampu buat...
klaka seyh hidup ni. macam...haih..
barang2 dah almost habis packed.kene kuar esok pagi dari umah ni.budak2 junior yg baek hati considerate ngan senior2 derang yg cuak tade sape nak ganti ni akan masok esok pagi.so, we have to get out tumoro morning gak. at times like this la my mild insomnia bleyh berguna skiet.aku tak ngantok pun.langsong tak tdow.dah a semalam tdow due tige jam je kot.dah seminggu da pakse tdow nieh.malas nak tdow.sebab bile bangun kene start all over again.register balek pe dah berlaku dalam idop aku.kene ingatkan balek diri sendiri ngan hidup yg tunggang tebalek sekarang nieh.klu tak tdow, atleast tade a aku kene telan balek sume bende2 pahit tu..dah mmg dalam system dah.aih.pe tah aku merepek.
haHAH..tu care atik gelak klu die rase betapa konghajo nye situasi hidup skrg tapi terlalu konghajo sampai tak leyh nak kate ape..so.. ahaHAH...
these past few months rase cam panjang sangat...byk sgt berlaku.kdg2 aku rase aku penat aku takleyh nak cope.tp..ape..ape tah aku bleyh buat.
klu jogging long distance kan, first few miles tu mmg paling susah..paling penat..paling sakit...tapi bile dah jaoh2 tu..lagi jaoh..rase cam kaki dah start numb..i mean..cam tak sedar pun kite tgh lari..kaki jadi ringan..kite lari jeh..sampai rase tak nak berenti pun...lari sampai klu nak stop tu kene sprint abes. so that btul2 penat out of breath sampai kene stop..n then u stop.
i need to get out of town.even for just awhile.tp ntah camne.ntah nak kemana.ntah utk apa.
smlm budak tesol cohort 3 ade formal farewell dinner. seronok. but to tell the truth aku rase aku, cam besa a kan, cam tade pun kat situ.di awang awangan.
kate org, klu la kite dapat kembalikan mase kate a nak betul kan pe yg kite dah buat saalah, ade kemungkinan kita akan ulang je kesalahan tu. so theres no point actually nak balek. jalan terus je a.jalan terus. aku kene jalan terus.
aku bukan la budak bangang cam aku slalu ura2 kan. aku budak pandai. aku bole fikir jaoh lebih baek, jaoh lebih kreatif jaoh lebih kritikal.tolong la jgn anggap aku bangang.dan aku bukan la lemah cam aku slalu portray kan. aku dah lalu macam2 shiettt dalam life nih. tapi kenapa lah..kenapa lah aku di situasi ni skrg...
penat2 cam nieh, aku balek gak pada music radiohead.apa la ada pada music derang ni sampai bleyh buat aku rasa home.is it because of it is the most familiar sound to me? cam dari kecik dengr sora thom ni kan. mayeb2. i duno.
babieh aaahhhh...
arap2 balek msia, suma bole reset. aku nak janji pada diri sendiri, lepas ni, aku tak nak jadi honest ngan org. aku tanak crita kat org my past. tanak crita kat org sapa aku. sbb aku dah belajar, org tak kan bleyh terima aku seadanya. tada org bleyh terima org seadanya klu org tu cam atau serupa atau hampir serupa ngan org cam aku nieh. ok la.mungkin ada.tapi sedikit sahaja.oleh itu, aku rasa kebarangkalian aku menjumpai org yg bole terima aku seadanya tersangta la tipis.oleh itu, mungkin aku kene tebalkan skiet wall aku, tebalkan skiet topeng aku, pakai name tag org laen n just be someone else.leave my past behind n never mention it to another soul, never reveal too much of my self anymore.
ok.im exagerating. im thinking emotionally.
im sleep-deprived.
i hate coffee.
wat..
merepek sial.kol 6 dah.setan.maybe aku kene tdow.damn.
matahari...terang la ko ari nieh.panas kan la bumi welly.
give me another chance to make this right. iwanabeabetterperson.
a summary of radiohead's evolution pre-inrainbows.
please dont underestimate me. i hv so much more than u think. its ur lost that u cant see those things in me.
u know what i think abt ppls judgmnet? i think no matter how thick our walls r, we will be judged. ppl will judge. ppl always judge. good or bad. i still call it judging.
n btw. there's the door.get out of here why'd u have to sneak out of the window.
close the door behind u lock me up from outside so i wont follow u i wont follow
there's this live perfomance of the clock by thom yorke.ive been meaning to post this on my facebook profile for a long time now.but i dontknow y, im still reluctant to share radiohead/thom related stuffs in facebook.duno y.i know y.but im lazy at the moment to bable abt that.
anyway.found this ytube last year. still tak perna jemu tgk. its just amazing. the way he multitask.such conentration. such passion.
n plus, he's really hot in this performace. not because he's simply thom yorke, not because he hs such great guitar playing skill, not because he turned a dance/electronic song into an acoustic version like damn---so--fineeeee, not because his voice is just amaziing in this, n not because he's simply kacak...but he's really hot coz he's wearing white shirts with blue jeans n white shoes.
anyway, here's the original version from the earaser.
and my lord, how did he make it into this:
simply amassssiiiinnggggg
heheheheh
selain dari itu...
hm. life. hmph. you know, everytime i make a new entry in this blog, i feel as if ive done it before. like ive talked bout the topic or said exactly the same thing before this. like a dejavu. yeah. i feel like im having dejavu too many times recently. not just with writing this blog. anything. ive feel like that before but it as becum more often u know.sometimes i can ebdasda
nvr midn.
ive torn the calenders off my wall. i ahvent packed yet. i daydream too much. during workshop this morning, i went to the toilet to sleep for more than 20 minutes. i think.
i dont want to think too much. do u realy think that i enjoy thinking too much? if i know how to stop, dont u think i wld?
blakh.
i think i shld eat megi or sumthing now. just to kill time.
to accompany u reading this silly and pointless entry is a song by marcy playground. a song that i really love to listen to in the 90's. macam lagu weng...sex and candy.
i have no reason what so ever to update this blog.i dont have any idea, nothing to tell (well, none in particular), no secrets to share, no nothing. merely because im bored and im here. i just wonder, u know, people say they wont get bored as long as they have the internet...i cant understand these people.i mean, i cant empathy to them.im not criticizing..i just..really, i just want to feel the same way as they do...but the fact is, im bored as hell with the internet. it as become my subconscious act to turn on my laptop everytime i walk into my room.i'll sign in my yM, open a few tabs to check my emails, my accounts and probably a few links. n then...nothing...after a few minutes i'll found myself staring at the screen thinking about other things n at those moments after checking out all those usual stuffs, usually after 15-20 minutes, i'll think "the internet is just another public space where you will feel totally alone and bored out of your mind no matter how pact it is with second chances of second lives, full of information, full of fun n games n whatsoever they do with the internet nowadays". n so i got that thought almost everytime, everyday when im in it, such as this particular moment.
im bored as hell.
n i think about u all the time.
things seem out of their places but i know everything is actually at their right places.i shouldnt feel stressed.i shouldnt worry.i shouldnt go wacko again.
the truth is, i feel that i lost myself.i admit that im not where i expect myself to be.i admit that i am not in control of my own decisions. the truth is, i never am sure of what i am doing, what i should be doing, what i will be doing and i was never sure of what have i done.i neither can say ive done them right nor regret them. the truth is i never had a plan.even if i had, i always forget to follow that plan. thus, therefore, and that leads us to the conclusion,--that----i admit that i think to a certain extend you are right. no, wait, i think you are right. i admit that i am wrong. coz the truth is, i am still inside my own white, small, lonely room when i thot i have been rescued. thats a stupid thought btw.to think that i will be rescued.to think that i need to be rescued.
3 more weeks.n i probably wont see this land again coz im not sure i even want to come here again.even for the graduation.i cant be sure of anything anymore anyway.its an agony to think that we have to wait.to think life is about waiting.Amoi is the first person that i found to say "let time show u things"...u knwo..like...we'll just have to wait and see...nanti a..tengok a nanti..ntah la, tengok la nanti...to say later, nanti, wait, tunggu, masa...masa...timeeee...i have been avoiding agreeing to Amoi..but then, more and more people, i meet and befriend, are the type of waiting people, the time-people..the later people...maybe its just that im an impulsive person (a little maybe, a lot? ermm...im not sure..again..not sure..) tahts y i cant really absorb the idea of waiting.but thats just the fact sometimes.we just ave to wait.learnt it the hard way.
and so...yeah.this is just another transition phase, i guess.i'll make it through alrite.i'll woke up one morning and pretend ive never been in NZ.ive never met u or no one else.n memories will be just memories.
did i learn anything while im here? i sure did learn a lot. but
anyway. tomorrow's just another day. and im just another face in the crowd.
*description about how much radiohead is important to me has been deleted due to the consideration that it is a redundant topic*
i was boring this afternoon.and my mind's bit kong after a meeting with a friend.kerana ke-kong-an ini lah IDIOTEQUE kuar lagi..yeah!!!!!! this song, i tell you bzz bzzzz *deleted again due to redundancy*
geez.
i like wondering around searching for clips of people covering radiohead's songs.but this time, everything revolves around idioteque. tade keje. some covers by ppl yg dah experienced.like obadiah parker and levi weaver
and there's one cover using FL (fruity loops) studio.pretty awesome kan...
here's using a....aaa...whats this..a synth? a mixer? a watever..but i think its great..
here's a polyclip-style cover.just like Jack Conte but this is by overmindgui.its really nice.
here's a guitar only cover.n the player looks quite hot too.eheh.
aaaa....there's a lotttt more covers of this song...penat dengar sumenye..but my point is actually, if i am a great musician, or i am in a great band, or wat ever, i would like to cover this song.maybe one day.its a great song.ehek...one thing that i noticed, most of the people that sings this song on stage and have nothing to play (cam tak maen gitar ke ape2 ke) they will almost mimic Thom's usual body gestureswhen he sings this song..rase cam klaka....i promise if i am to sing this song, i would keep my hands on my back.yeah. its nice to fantasize things that we wont able to do or wont be able to have or own or whatver..
hurm.i have more than 4000 audio files in my laptop, only 300 of them are by radiohead. but i still manage to always come back to them kan..i am really a boring person, arent i?? damn....
When you smell the fresh cut grass, remember me When the raindrops touch your skin, remember me When the taste of chocolate and candy dies off in your mouth, remember me When a song makes you stop and smile, remember me
Spring comes with Daffodils Then remember me Remember me
When you count numbers and change shirts of colors, remember me When words form stories in books, remember me When laughter’s no longer an effort, remember me When you stand on sidewalks, remember me
Summer comes with hello and goodbyes Then remember me Remember me
When time stood still because of the silence, remember me When doubts are definite, remember me When a reason seems meaningless, remember me When forever is not a promise, remember me
And wherever you stand When you feel the wind blows through your face, You know I will always remember you. Then remember me Remember me.
It is a long way; it is a long time, But I learn this from you, The only distant that matters is the memory The only time that matters is the present.
So when you see everything and everyone else, Feel every emotion, Learn another thing or two about life, Remember me remembering you.
And when you realize there is no other way but here, Come home to me.
i have this habit of wanting to write everything i think. no thats not the stupid part.the stupid part is, since i own a laptop, im too lazy to pick a pen and write on paper like i used too. no thats not the silly part neither. but u can thnk tht as one if u like. well the pathetic part is that i googled this today "i thnk im gona kil myself today"
ahah~hahahahah~~~ hahahah~~
so there's this link to a youtube tadaaaaaaaaa
well..its not an exact match.its "i think im going to kill myself TOMORROW" but thats kinda okay. so, i klik another link on the related viseodos at the side and found the trailer for this movie *which rite now i really have to watch coz im really a movie junkie who's actually finding some fucking things in this world which i can relate n feel some kind of cnfirmation tht im not alone tht some things do make sense adn at the same time i can procrastinate from doing anything else in this world n just forget the silly things i think, i did, i do, i say, i wana say, i wana ask, i wana love, the things that i actually love, the things that i think i have to figure out or the fact that i want to be someone else who doesnt think this much n just get on with life* so here's the movie The Royal Tenembaums
the trailer looks good.i think i love it already.maybe i dl it sometime later.or search it down at civic vdieo.wat ever.
btw i wont kill myself.not yet anyway.the last time i checked,i still doesnt hv the guts to really do it.maybe i'll chekc again later.
heh.
there's one time i googled: "i think im dissapearing from my own life" i miss spelld it.how stupid and pathetic can i be?
im sorry.i know radiohead's boring n all...but they're just the 'perfect drug' for me.just for the sake of procrastination, let me tell u abt airbag. i love to draw.i love to write. when i was in primary school,n the the sick make-believe 'artist' that i was, i hd to hv my own pen name for signature or something..but i hate my real name (it looks ugly for a signature) so i came up with lots of stupid names..believe me theyre stupid...everytime i draw/write, i'll have a new name for the signature.until one evening,i was drawing something under the stairs of my house (i love small n hidden places to do my stuffs) n OK computer was put on the radio by someone..n exactly the time i finished my work, airbag was played.and i just scribble airbag at the corner.i like the way it looks.so i keep the name til today.yey.i love the song btw.i think its the simplest song in OK comp.just a personal opinion.
i'd empty my pocket and put every money i hv in that black box if i was there. not tht i have lots of money.just saying,u know. its a really, really damn good cover. just clears my mind off every shitty morning blues i hd just now. i wish the audio recording is better.i wish i was there.
n for the shitty morning blues-- i woke up this morning feeling scared.not scared of monsters or ghosts, but feeling scared of life.i know ive been scared for lots of unreasonable things..but this is different.im scared n thats it.i didnt want to end anything, i didnt want to stop breathing. i didnt wish i was dead. im just scared n none other feelings whatsoever.okay, i did wish i was dead, but i dont want to stop, u know..i dont want to stop...i dont want to keep on going too u know..u know..u know..like u wana keep still..
aahh..why o why im trying hard to explain this. i just wish i can explain myself better.
i dont want to be here,i dont want to be me.but i dont want to lose anything that i have right now...kan? kan?
can i just take u n run away?
hurm...i kill too much time.better get back to work.
amongst all the other songs by radiohead, this is the craziest i must say.it takes you to a place where no one goes.actually, it takes u to nowhere.u disappear.the beat,collin's synth,the noise from ed and jonny, thom's voice, and when phil's drum comes back in again near the end..it all just bursts to one stop. and you say:hello, world.
when u completely forget to remind urself abt something n then u remember--the thought coming back to u--it brings along other things that u forget, even the things that u purposely want to forget.the things u want to leave.the things u want to abandon.it all comes back to u in one whole package.
truck.
i was brought up in an environment that--i duno, makes me want to apologize for everything.i apologize almost all the time.seems like everything is my fault.maybe, just maybe, it started when my father left us.maybe.though i know its not my fault, but somehow, i found myself blaming myself for everything after he left.
what exactly happens after that? maybe its just me, but after he left,i feel there was a burden on my shoulder.my siblings kept on reminding me (directly or indirectly) that im the only hope of connecting everyone together (mom-me, abang amin- me, aman-me, ema----no one but maybe me too, indirectly.and none of them could actually go together without me inbetween) the only hope for somewhat keeping the family name able to earn a little *if any* respect from other people, the only hope for mom, the only hope for nice things to happen, the only hope not to fuck things up. and sadly, everytime i just feel that i really fuck everything up.and i keep feeling sorry for everyone in the family for being who i am--someone whom i think would never reach their expectations...or maybe, I AM the one who put those expectations on myself.maybe.if its true, then i apologize to myself too..hmmm im going on incircles...
and today, i find myself apologizing for everything else too.even when im angry at other people for something i think is totally their fault, i will eventually feel sorry n if i have the guts or the chance, i will apologize to them. sometimes, i apologize even for the things that have nothing to do with me.im sorry if i annoyed anyone by doing that-- hm..another apology..
hmm..whats my point of this entry again? i forget...aaahmm...hmm..yeah..no point actually. just to share things maybe.as always.babbling about things.throw the thoughts out from my head into the limitless space of the world wide web.and let it swim.
i hate being alone.but i know im not alone.so i hate thinking that im alone.and knowing that im wrong to think that im alone.and then i hate that i hate being alone coz the fact is everyone is alone in this world.but we're never alone coz we have God with us all the time, everywhere, anywhere. so i know that im wrong if i think im alone.and we're not alone , we're never alone coz everyone is connected somehow. so i hate to hate that i hate being alone coz we're not alone when i feel we're alone but we're not alone anyway.so screw loneliness.
what the heck...lighten up, waznah.
you know..at times...im just sorry for being who i am but i know i dont want to be anyone else but me.
owh the artwork.nope.i havent done anything with it.yet.so..maybe after im done with reflecting on apologies and loneliness and what ive done, what i havent done, what im suppose to be doing, what im suppose to have done, what i should be doing and what i shouldnt be doing, and everything else in this world,maybe after that i can start on actually doing something.
anyway.beberapa ari ni aku tak produktif gile2.satu artwork tak siap2 lagi.n hemohemo mentioned something abt writing n i just remembered that i havent been writing in my journal for a longgggg time...
maybe life's just arent inspiring enough for words n ideas? really? or is life just too inspiring that i cant put down the feeling on paper with words or any images with color n pens to describe how wonderful life is rite now? ehehee....or maybe..ahhh itu suma alasan...aku cuma malas je... ehe
yeah... hehehehehhehehehehe
think i should b probably start rite away on that artwork.or maybe i can start tumoro.first thing when i wake up.promise.
so.. "u jump, i jump, jack"... hahahha
pelik kan dunia.heh tataw ape yang ade kat depan...tapi tu a..klu takut nak ke depan, sampai bila2 kat situ..takpe a..jalan je a...jalan terus! nanti jatuh ke, begolek ke, ade gaung ke ape ke, biar a dulu kan..bila dah jatuh, bangun.begolek, sambung guling2 je.ade gaung, pikir a nanti camne..buat mase nie, kite jalan terus a kan...yeah..heh
I'm his Brandy Alexander Always get him into trouble I hide that I'm flattered Brandy Alexander -song by Feist.
XD
my migraine pills..dah abis...but i think i wont buy any of those lagi ah..
ha.dah malas nak tdow ni, biar aku merepek pasal satu lagu nieh.there's this song.this haunted song..Angel by Sarah McLachlan.lagu nie, goes back years n years ago kan...i once loved this song so much, i had to listen it everytime i shower.the extra pathetic loser i was, i liked to listen to this song when i had the self-pity mode. the words just hits me...most part..not all.bace a lirik nye ngan sepenoh hati..
Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There’s always one reason To feel not good enough And it’s hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You’re in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There’s vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don’t make no difference Escaping one last time It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You’re in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You’re in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here
faham x, dunia, ttg kesunyian aku mase tu? rase tak? do u feel it? the aching feel of emptiness. the lack of sense of belonging. the anger n frustration n confusion. do u feel it? ofcourse u do..coz u ve been there rite.yeah... opening lagu ni pun aku dah rase..ish...tsk2...haunted sial. anyway. lepas sume negative association aku buat ngan lagu nie, aku dah penat ngan die.sbb at one point, lagu ni lekat gile mase one of my silly phases with sai, n kesedihan lagu ni bertambah2 mase tu..so i stopped listening to it. skit pun aku tak nak dgr.dgr je, sakit...skit je, sakit...
but today, zura played a live version that she did with josh groban.n the spell broke.i got on youtube n search for another live version of it.n yeah..kompom...tade perasaan dah..
some part of me actually, is a bit dissapointed. this song is not for smiley faces, i thot...but she sang it with all that lovely n happy face..damn it doesnt come out right..the song's so depressing. how can she mean what she sang n be as happy as that??? so does that mean she doesnt mean it when she sang it? or i just take it too seriously??..eheh but part of me is glad for seeing this live version. n now i can stop hating the song. im neutral now.ahahaha
learning about life is so much better now that ure around.
