Ramadhan

sempena nak masok bulan ramadhan, saya ingin memintak maaf, mintak ampun salah silap, saya cuma hamba Allah yang banyak kekurangan..terutamanya pada Sai..i know u said u wouldnt want to read my shits anymore, but well, just incase u stop by, im sorry, for my part..n i forgive u for ur part..n its nice to know u're happy now..its nice...as a friend told me last night, be kind to ourselves, so do take k of urself..as i am taking good k of myself..

sesungguhnya, saya sangat ok seminggu ni...sebenarnya, saya sangat hepi. im smilling most of the time, n if im too happy i can skip my way to work..damn menakutkan..but hey,though i keep on reminding myself not to be too happy, i still am, so i think its alrite.as long as i remember, Allah give me this feeling, n he can take it back anytime, He give me a reason to be happy n he can take that back any time..but while it's here, i wana b happy..please let me be happy...please let urself b happy, ina..but anyhoooo....i need to get my self re-organized. assignments due in one-two weeks time...still havent started..some artwek too..hehe, baby steps, yah..baby steps..

"The World At Large"

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

sekecil zarah

from my DA journal entry..

" i l o v e m y s e l f "

kelebihan manusia itu adalah pada kekurangan nya...

hari ni, aku bersyukur sebab aku dapat bercakap lagi ngan atik pasal "semua" ni...dan aku bersyukur pada satu tahap, aku rasa sedikit persoalan aku dapat jawapan nya.jawapan paling obvious..*insert answer here*..hehe i cant help but to be reminded that ive been here..we've been here before.. but its alrite, its nice to be reminded..we have to be reminded..because we are humans..who often forgets...

but today, the talk feels different. the after-talk feels different too..n i hope, i'll be different after this...**hey..i use the word hope** ngehhhhh

tomorrow, i'll try my best to be better.instead of floating on, i wana walk on earth.i wana remember.i wana believe...hm...

i wont blame myself for finding myself so hard to let go of my past coz its not an easy thing to do.n i wont blame myself for not being able to control the future coz it is not mine.i blame myself if i dont do something about the present..so..this is a start.

i was lost because i forgot where i come from...therefore to find myself i need to go back to my source...and when i remember...i remember how small i am..but remembering how small i am in this way, only makes me stronger inside because i remember that i belong to something bigger..
aku rasa, kekurangan aku, semua jadi kelebihan bila ingat Dia..aku harap, aku ingat semua ni...

i mean.. its so different than being reminded how small, insignificant, dirty, corrupted i am by my past, or by my indefinite future..i feel powerless because i forget the bigger picture...n i'll try my best to stop thinking like this..

this is my reminder. this is my note to myself.if u read this n u can empathy, maybe this will remind you too..

aku sekecil zarah.
aku segelap langit malam.
tapi
siapa pun aku, aku ada Dia.
apa pun aku, aku dari Dia.

satu masa, aku lupa lagi.
tapi
apa pun yang aku cari,
aku tau aku akan jumpa Dia.
apa pun yang aku soal,
aku tau jawapan nya Dia.

it makes so much sense when we go back to the basics..come to think abt it, my mom always said..well, she said so many things that i took for granted n didnt listen carefully..but this one, i try not to forget...she said..more like asking, but she's actually making a point through that question la kan.."buat apa ko mau takut.."..translation: "why r u so afraid?"..or maybe "what r u so afraid of"..coz for her..life is so simple when u 'go back to the basics'..i kinda understand her now..maybe i understood her long before..its just that..we..do..tend to forget...

this is spps to be short..hahaha..
but, hopefully, tomoro, i try mybesttttesstttt to start another brand new day...hmmm

if u r still reading this up till this point...im impressed... n i thank you~

thank you atik for the reminder
thank you for the artists here in DA for reminding how important art is to me
thank you for dearest friends who support me

good night...

go slowly

sorry..another song entry.cant help it. this is my only escapism other than drawing which..well...didnt go so well rite now..

this song...moves me..brings me some kind of..i wont call it hope, coz its not.. but its like.. memujuk??...lagu yang memujuk...memujuk aku supaya...hilang je la...there is a way out of this..there is..

Over here
Come slowly
Come slowly to me
I've been waiting
Patient
Patiently
I didn't care
But now I can see

That there's a way out
That there's a way out




here's an alternate version...



i wana go to that place,
where i will just dissapear..
the sea will take me in
n i can finally let go

smile...

smile like you mean it.the killers.

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

hurm...i dont know wat other people think when they listen to the killers..but..for me..i feel...like its so sad, the songs...sad in a weird kinda way...hah~ especially this song. i dont know..its not just about the lyrics, its their sound to..maybe brandon flowers' voice too..i mean..there something about the whole band and their music that seems so sad..

blakh.maybe its just me.

cheers to this song and to the shittiest phase of my life yet *time will heal, yeah wateve*
and for that, i made this--> yes..another useless drawing...



and also as a support to my own attempt to smile and really mean it too...its like, its just yesterday that i feel my life was a bit clearer..and now...there r so many damn questions dahhhhh...questions that i cant answer...kenape aku ta ble jawab weyh...aku tapaham a...

aku
sangat
loser.

"im so sorry..."

aku janji aku buat keje2 aku nanti..nanti a...malas a...nanti...
nanti
nanti
nanti..

osh..thanx to all the smiling people..so hepi to see so many smiling faces. its a source of inspiration.


ya Allah, i wish i can understand, and i can meet someone who understands too.

ranting off my monday morning

waaaaaa...saiko nye aku nih~~

baru pagi tadi aku hepi gile~!! n now?? wtf is wrong with me???

here's the story.i dreamt somthing again today, the sort of dreams that make me so peaceful just like yesterday night..so i woke up, calmed down by the dream..not so stressed kan..maybe coz last night gak hang out with people so, im not that psycho a...tho i nearly cried one time...

anyway..i opened up my dA account, n i got a note from carol. third place for a contest. wii???...piupiupiu..??? mumiumiumi??...
my journal link
carol's contest winners journal link

im not sure wat's the prizes, coz i didnt enter for that, i dont know why i enter..-.- but i got a month (ye, sebulan saje..but its big for me la~~ so wattt~~) n i really have no idea wat to do about it, you know...then i thot maybe i should ask for help from the seniors la cam emmjay ke..jambang ke...

but then..suddenly something slap me----"thats only a month subscription! ~~ tu je pon!! what r u so hepi about!!!" wait..wait..wer did that voice come from...-.-

ngiowww...then immediately my smile vanished..

i told myself, "its okay to be happy..~~ be happy la..be happy~~~come on, ina..u can do it..be happy longer..hepi la lagi cam tadi..."
BUT DAMN I CANT!!!!!!

i wish i have somekind of--i dont know---like soap? detergent ? that can wash my brain off from all the negativity~ miooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww~~

i know i got all these things--my mom & brothers, my "art" thingy, my music, my friends, my job, the moneyblablablablabaaaa..my life's great...though i just broke up, but i think im alright..you know..yeah~ i think im okay..i think..yeah..-.-
but hell, why am i so sad!!!!!!!!!!! yeowwwwww
something just keeps dragging me down,..its really taking a toll on me..n i dont even know wat it is..hurm

n another thing..i cant seem to make myself eat,...sometimes i forgot to, sometimes i just dont feel like it..and yeah, other times just plain lazy to eat..
sleep! yes lets talk about sleep! i cant sleep more than 6 hours now!!! that's great for me sometimes..but when im like this, i wana sleeeepppp longer!! tak bleyh!!!!!!!!!!!! arghhhh!!!

hurm...
*inhale*
*exhale*

maybe i should go buy a cup of double shot coffee n get migraine n then maybe i'll stop thinking..

n i think..
i think...
rainbows make me smile.hell, rainbows make the whole world smile..hah..
n me.a loser.pathetic loser.
cheers to that~

to be honest

i do believe everything is in its right place.

i do believe this is how things r spps to be.rite now.its not how i want it to be, how i imagine it wld be, how i wish things will b..but i believe, Tuhan maha kaya...jadi aku ta paya cakap la yg laen2.

but no 1 knows wats in d future.

if we r able to see the future, n we are able to change it n, say, we did change it, then the future is not the future coz we r able to change it n we change it, n then it actually means we still cant see the future..kan?...


aku nengok wanted tadi.
klaka.poyo nak mampus.tapi itu la aku expect.comic siot.best~.aku paling suka final say Wesley (tu ke name die dah tah)...kene tgk lagi nih..

then..bile balek umah, snap back to reality.
wat the truck m i doing with my life....
blakh.
loser siot.


aku fikir...rugi gile ade org nak sayang org cam aku ni. i'll just drag u down too..down to my trucking life..its good that u've moved on. its great to know ure okay.it feels good to know ure carrying on with ur life..its like, i watch u grow up another notch. ngeh.cam ari tu tgk sai botakkan kepala.feels weird but i feel..sort of..like..bangga...hah~ina bangga sama sai..:P semoga sihat2 selalu, semoga berusaha selalu utk hidup yg hepi, slamba dan okay....hehhe

n me..
look at me...
wer am i..
back to square one...

how come i end up wer i started...goes the song 15 step by rh.

exactly..
how come.
i tried hard.i did things exactly the way i think its suppose to be done. i work hard.one second there i thot i had it, then it just slips out of my hands...everything...i thot i figured it out..maybe not all, but at least i thot things were clearer..but then..these past weeks just took me back to that place, wer i dont knw wer, that place wer i dont knw wat the heck im doing, wat the heck im spps to b, wat the heck, wat the heck, wat the heck m i saying...

ppl wld just say..biase la tu..hidup ni, ade naik turun nye...ari tu ko naik..ari ni ko turun..
well..realizing that OBVIOUS truth doesnt make it any better now does it~~~




hermm..


i just love radiohead..
like really really love them...
their music, their words..them..yes every single of them and them as a unit..yes a unit...

i got lots more things to say.but

another lost, loser.

nda da mood pun mo buat apa seminggu ni..lost...
loser gile aku ni...

loser.
loser.
loser.

sori aku ta buat keja aku
sori aku ta teruskan usaha2 aku
sori aku

sori aku tataw apa aku nak,apa aku fikir,apa aku..apa aku ni pun aku tataw.
sori

i am the cause of my own self-destruction.

one of the greatest songs by RH


a cover of that "one of the greatest songs by RH" by ryan inglis


TALK SHOW HOST.one of the ost's for Baz Lurhmann's movie of Shakespeare's romeo & juliet.

no1

at times like these...i really hope for someone who really understands me.

tolong la...
penat sangat da ni.
kene plak penat fikir.
tolong la.
get out of my head.

i wanna sleeepppppp

this isnt right,
this isnt right.
if i can see the future,
would i want to see you there?
would i want to see how i get there?

remember the glass slipper
and the red apple she gave me
all that wont trick me to alice's wonderland
but youre here
and you brought me down another rabbit hole

somehow the song seems to be merrier
somehow the ink seems to be lighter

a repeated scene you now are
until the film rolls to the finish
and i'll forget

in circles, in circles
on pages, pages of white and yellow
but it aint right
i know it aint right
and i'll laugh since the witch wont let go of me

till i fall into a long sleep
and fit into my glass slippers
i'll laugh till my heart explodes
if i can see the future,
i'd poke my eyes out.

mario!! i love u forever

i just laughed at my self till i cry before posting this.
u should too.
for all the trucking time we wasted doing..well..u decide what u think u wasted ur time with.
i, btw, was wasting my time on this



n drawing stupid things who wont get me any physical profit (so much for the self-actualization thingy), n surfing the web, aimlessly, n day dreaming, talking about my dreams n fears n self reflection w/o doing anything for/about it..n many more...(owh, n typing this down here too..hahah)

**continue to laugh at self till its time to go to class n rehearsal.

for those who think i take life too seriously, do u really think life can be taken as a joke?
demit.

for those who think i whine too much but do nothing with it--
yeah ure right.

a portrait.

im a great fan of Radiohead, if anyone hasnt know it yet. i love thom yorke particularly. ed comes second maybe, coz im sad for all the jokes rh fan keep on making about him not having any vital part in their songs~ (climbing up the walls is filled w/ ed's riff) then maybe collin coz he's so down to earth though his bass playing n synth is like wicked...then came phil and lastly jonny.

i could have drawn these five people. i have so many pictures of them. or i could have drawn trent reznor though i dont like his features so its probably b hard to draw something u dont like. but he's a hotty i know just that when u draw, things got different.

i could have drawn Brandon Boyd~! he's a totally easy character to deal with with his smooth feature n bla bla bla..n he's so damn hot (lame word but i cant think of anything else that suits him~~ HOTTTT)

but i didnt...draw them..

i draw him instead


guess whooooo?

if u guess chris martin from coldplay, then id b glad to think good of myself.
hehe

this is a band that i slowly progressing to like less and less every album.(unlike muse: drastically hate them..pity me kan~ yea rite) i love them on Parachutes. i love them a bit more though differently on A Rush of Blood to the Head. n from X & Y to Viva la Vida, i love them lesser n lesser. i think i understand them, their music n why the 'change'..thats y i wont hate them..its just that..like people who decided to be fans of the three first record of Radiohead..the same with me. i decided i wana be their two-first-records-fan only.

but.what makes me to draw mr martin here is coz he's the cover of rolling stones august issue. i seldom buy magazines. so when i bought this, i keep on coming back to it, n i seem to study his features everytime i saw the cover.

so, i decided to make a caricature of him for abg rom. but yeah. i suck.therefore it didnt become a caricature instead it turned out to be an ordinary realistic portrait.

waaaaaaaaaa....~~
something is wrong with it too.but im just too lazzziieee to correct it. almost 10-15 hours wasted for this is enough.

off to another thing now~ what should i draw next...hmm
*time's laughing over gaban now*

who,what,where,why,how,when.

when good enough is never good enough.

what the truck even made me think im gona be able to do this.like shucks.

more

im jumping around hoping i can lift my spirit up

gaban misses sai so much.

n look wat gaban hs done~!!



yuckkkhhh....some one pls teach gaban how to manipulate watercolor.n how to make interesting background...please3...

huuuu

tumoro's sunday.its tiring just to even think about weekdays.but im orait.i just go with it.go to work, work hard, work fast, come back home n smile when i get the pay check.n smile even bigger when i buy things with that money.

but school visit's coming. gona be a crazy week.

look at the calender. 3 weeks to sept. then oct. then nov. good bye welly.aah..mixed feelings.
really MIXED feelings...

hari ada ong~~kata org...

today, 080808.

my dear brother turns 25.

our lives are different in many ways, we walk different paths, we see different things, we experience different worlds, therefore we believe n understand differently.but me & mom love u dearly. trust that. u still have us. no matter what.

im sure this year will be tougher, but im also sure u'll do better~coz, we do need to get out of that place.once we;re out, im sure we'll do better. kita kan ada darah perantau..heheh

now that ive said these things, i feel a lil bit weird.
ngow3~!!!!!

gaban.gavan.blakh.

gaban is very freaked out to see time flies so fast..yes, gaban has very good eyes, gaban can see time~ n time is like flying around laughing at us human..

gaban is also very bipolar now...emotional ups and downs r too rapidly changing...one second sooo happy..jumping around n giggling, another second, down like...down...blakh..

but..im in this mood of constant listening to Climbing up the walls by Radiohead. im planning to do a cover n put it somewhere...hahahaah pastuh tercemar la lagu tuh.yeah~!!!

gaban is also having headaches too often now..like, everyday for the past (almost) 2 weeks...hurmm..

gaban is also very sure now that art, should not be of repetition nor should it be of trying to be different too much..art is simply a way of delivering ideas from the point of the artist...so, gaban decides that, she would not want to go for commissions that limit her ideas n asks her to do one thing only~~~ nooo~~ hurm, anyhow, i wouldnt know how to make caricatures..sorry~

gaban is trying to be more positive everyday..thats y she still draws though she had been rejected n lost in contests...

gaban is willing to give ways for other people who think they r better n they r in charge thus does not respect or treat other people nicely n be ignorant of how other people will be affected by their words, or anything, coz gaban will be laughing at them at their back....

aah..these extreme optimists..they amuse me sometimes... other times, they r really just pain in the ass.


so, good night, says the cleaner to the architect...n the architect just give a shitty look n get back to work...
gaban wishes u a hell of a night with ur work, now, dear architect...

o.here's the two rejects.

music revolution--still havent color this one yet.


we love rock kangkang--background is crap.dont fit to the theme.but anyways.its not digital.so i cant really cut n paste it to another background.but if there's anyone willing to do it for me digitally, thatd be awesome.but nobody cares anyway.

owh2..
i have to say this, i hope it'll make people think too as it made me think.
u know those lines people always use..the supposedly positive and inspiring lines..like, everything is our choice, its all in our hand, u think therefore u are, and all that...well..all i can say is, dig dipper..its all a cliche n it hurts to read another "positive" remark that can actually make people more disturbed than motivated. sometimes, people do deliberately use these phrases to hurt people.dont deny it~~ naaa kannnn.....

dear, dear people, we'll meet on the streets n say hello, with our masks on.so we wont go on killing each other.

sigur ros at MoMA

thanx to abang amin for the link :D :D

hati yg remuk

sesungguhnya, hati aku remuk habis2 semalam.
macam terbelah habis2.
aku syg mama.aku syg abang.tapi cam na juga klu cam tuh....
i really dont know what to do..what i can do..i dont know anything anymore.
sometimes, it feels like, there'll never b anything beautiful in that house.
so why hope..

baru jek fikir, everything would be okay last week.
n then that thing happen semalam.
&*&(&**+_)(*&^$#@#$%^&*(

anyway...
today, i cant seem to wake up. my head hurts, my eyes swollen..my heart aches like shit.
but sebab zura, aku kuar gak.beli brg2. naseb zura suh..tah2 aku kat atas katil je, sedih2 lg... then out we go, n in the mailbox...

i found this


ya..betapa gembiranya aku~!!!
wahahahahah


nombor aku dari 250000 tu ialah...151 863..aahahaha biar pun tade relevance nya ngan aku, tapi aku gembira gak~!!!!hahhahaha


ni 3 sticker yg aku rasa aku takkan tampal kat mane2...hermm tapi klu tampal kat atas laptop best gak..hihihi


n ni booklet nye..meow2~


okes...
aku mengaku..suma ni, aku gelak pakse je pun..hurmm knp ta bleyh aman je umah tu ha...
:( byk kerje gak..tataw mane nak siap kan dulu.tataw cam ne nak mula.tataw camne nak betulkan.semua celaru.semua haru biru.aku benci.geram2.

another public apology

i am ashamed of what i have become.
more ashamed..than before.uhu
im truly sorry.i apologize.
but the inner tension caused by workload n time constraint has made me unable to tolerate anymore stress from outside sources anymore. i simply shut down when i confronted any.
again, sorry..
if im ready, i'll get back to it.to u.to everything else.i promise.
it is not my intention to be this bitchy. well, i am bitchy, but not usually THIS bitchy.n usually, i confront problem till i think im done with it. but im getting older.n im not that fueled up already to fight myself for a 'solution'.i simply turn n walk away now.till im ready to come back.
again.sorry.

though i see things clearer now, the negative force of my pessimism never seize to try to drag me down.

wat kindof language im using?
who's here-in my body?..this isnt me...
blakh...


here's a remix of nude done by Spor.
please use a really good earphone/headphone/speaker/stereo, put it on the highest volume u can stand, close ur eyes, n just eat the music up.


"I think the most important thing about music is the sense of escape." (thom yorke)