...dan tidakkah kamu memikirkan?

Aku tak harapkan banyak...—okay mungkin aku harapkan berjuta-juta perkara indah dan membanggakan untuk terjadi semasa aku jadi cikgu nanti—tapi, yang aku rasa kan lah pada masa ni, ada satu perkara penting yang aku ingin kan... aku mahu—bukan, bukan—aku harapkan, aku mampu mengajar pelajar-pelajar ku menjadi orang-orang yang (paling-paling pun) mahu berfikir, (kalau bukan yang) berfikir dan (semahu-mahunya) pandai berfikir dengan pandai.

Berfikir jauh, berfikir kreatif, berfikir rasional, berfikir dengan ilmu dan hati.
Aku kira-kira, dengan berfikir dengan dalam dan betul itu boleh membawa mereka ke Satu jalan yang bukan saja betul, bahkan mampu meng-enhance-kan lagi daya pemikiran dan kepandaian mereka berfikir.

Juga, aku tau, kalau-kalau berfikir itu sahaja tidak cukup untuk menjadikan seseorang itu berjaya. Tapi dengan berfikir dengan betul sekurang-kurang nya boleh membantu kita cari jalan pulang dan membantu kita faham lebih dari apa yang ada inside our own walls.

Berfikir sudah menjadi personal issue aku dari dulu. Kawan-kawan banyak nasihat kan supaya aku kurang-kurang kan berfikir. Berfikir buat aku stress, berfikir buat aku depressed, berfikir boleh merosakkan apa saja yang aku ada-->berfikir juga salah satu sebab kenapa aku hilang orang yang aku sayang, hilang fokus pada study, hilang grip pada diri sendiri, mungkin pada satu tahap aku hampir hilang akal sebab kan berfikir. Kalau kau mau kata aku gila, aku pun mungkin setuju.

Tapi berfikir juga buat aku mahu mencari semasa aku hilang.

Jadi, aku rasa, setelah berpuluh tahun hidup dalam keercayaan bahawa aku pun harus benci cara aku berfikir, (ditambah pula dengan orang-orang yang kerap menyuruh aku berhenti berfikir terlalu banyak) aku perlu review pendapat aku ini semula.

Tapi, ya, berfikir dengan terlalu banyak itu bisa buat kita penat. Mungkin silap aku sebab berfikir songsang, berfikir ikut nafsu; mau merasa sedih, mau merasa sakit, mau merasa menang, mau merasa betul dalam aku rasa aku salah. Kunci kata nya pun sudah pasti sangat obvious—‘terlalu’. Mungkin kerana aku ‘terlalu’ berfikir, ‘terlalu banyak’ berfikir.

Bagi aku, berfikir itu bukan pecubaan untuk menduga masa depan, bukan juga percubaan untuk menjangkau balik ke masa belakang. Berfikir itu mencari kemungkinan. Kemungkinan. Itu saja. Tapi mungkin itu lah juga yang membuatkan aku salah. Kerana mencari kemungkinan sepatutnya bukan menjadi priority dalam berfikir.

Ini kerana seperti yang kita semua tau, kemungkinan itu banyak. Dunia ini penuh dengan kemungkinan. Jadi kalau berfikir ku itu untuk mencari kemungkinan, aku pasti-pasti saja menjadi buntu kerana system-overload.

Tapi aku tidak mau juga menjadi orang yang tidak berfikir. Yang tidak mahu berfikir. Yang tidak mahu berfikir dengan lebih luas. Yang tidak mahu berfikir dari sudut perspektif yang beza. Yang mungkin juga berfikir, tetapi berfikir atas sudu yang diguna dunia untuk menyuap informasi ke dalam mulutnya. Yang mungkin berfikir, tetapi berfikir di dalam kotak hidupnya yang kecil macam kotak mancis.

Jadi aku tidak mahu berhenti menjadi aku yang kuat berfikir; aku tidak mau benci aku yang banyak berfikir. Aku mau perbaiki cara aku berfikir, cara aku consider the different options to view certain problems or issues that i confronted. Aku yakin satu hari nanti, aku jumpa jalan pulang, aku jumpa diri sendiri. Dan aku yakin berfikir itu adalah salah satu cara untuk ke sana.

Tapi buat masa ini, aku ambil nasihat satu kawan ku: “kalau sudah system-overload, pigi la tidur. Bagi rest sikit kepala. Bila ada saja soalan yang keluar dalam otak, kau tolak tepi dan rest saja. Bila system sudah refresh, boleh confront issue dengan lebih berjaya”—lebih kurang macam itulah dia kata.

Tapi point-nya disini (aku suda lari dari point.tsk2) ialah aku mau aku mampu mebentukkan budak-budak ku nanti jadi orang-orang yang pandai berfikir dengan kreatif dan kritis. Hehe. Tapi aku tidak sebenarnya pasti bagaimana. Tapi aku mau cuba saja. Okay, okay. Mungkin ada satu cara: aku bukanlah seorang yang pandai berfikir, mungkin dengan melihat aku, mereka boleh belajar untuk tidak menjadi seperti aku dan langsung cuba mahu menjadi pandai dalam berfikir.

Mungkin aku perlu cari jalan laen.

dan aku gembira sebab sekarang aku sudah jumpa seorang yang mampu buat aku mahu belajar lebih tekun dan dengan cara baru; untuk berfikir dan mencuba untuk menjadi lebih matang.

the leap

To those who watch How I Met Your Mother, this is probably going to be already familiar to you guys. For those who don’t, I hope you can learn something from it. Here’s a scene from the fourth season finale which I think is worth to be given some thought; especially for pathetic people like Ted and me.

No I don’t hate Ted, but I decided not to like him either.

Something happened with Ted’s architect business and he starts to whine to all of his friends.

***************

Ted: This is a disaster!! [pathetically sighs] How am I gonna come back from this..?!

Lily: Okay… [sighs too because of Ted’s being a pathetic whining loser]. I’m just gonna ask this. Do you really wanna come back from this?

Ted: [dahi berkerut-kerut, muka hamper ter-offended] What’s that suppose to mean?

Lily: Architecture is killing you, Ted. And it’s killing us to watch it killing you. You’re like that goat with the washcloth. You want it so bad and every time the world tries to take it away from you, you keep grabbing it. But, you know, it’s just a washcloth. Why do you even want it?

Ted: Because I have to be an architect. That’s the plan.

Lily: AH! Screw the plan. I planned on being a famous artist, Marshall planned on being an environmentalist lawyer, Robin planned on being a TV reporter…[Robin said blablabla]… Barney planned on being a violinist…[something, something]…Look, you can’t design your life like a building. It doesn’t work that way. You just have to live it and it’ll design itself.

Ted: So I should just do nothing?

Lily: No… Listen to what the world is telling you to do…and take the leap.

*************

I am already 23. Next week, I am practically a teacher. No more regretting over unfulfilled dreams or where-should-i-be’s or professions-i-was-born-to-be’s…I am already 23, I am only 23…

I am taking my leap. I’ll jump into that ocean and learn how to breathe.

sandakan-ranau-bapak2

just a quick new entry before i am off to the airport. who knows when will i get the chance to update this blog again.

here's something i just found out for the first time:

selama aku idop kat sandakan ni, ni la first time aku tengok ukiran flag tu kat dinding batu near sim sim.. it probably had been there since forever. tu pun member yang migrate dari Tawau tunjukkan.
but well--thats my Sandakan!


aku bukan apa... hati aku masih besar untuk mengajar di Ranau, hati aku masih besar untuk berhasrat untuk membantu anak2 yang jadi salah satu penyebab kenapa aku mengalah mahu juga jadi cikgu, tapi hati besar itu kejap2 mengecil--

darn

anyway, happy belated father's day to all fathers (it was yesterday, no?). including the fathers that left their children since they're little for no good reason--you guys are as deserving a celebration as other responsible fathers do.

:]

Paranoia

Some reasons why I do not want to go back to I*B* (in no particular order)

1. Practicum
2. Back to scheduled-life
3. Back to heavy responsibilities—back to reality
4. Practicum
5. I am paying for my food--well, technically...not me..but by the generous citizens of Malaysia. For that, I thank all of you, dear tax payers~~
   
6. Internet connection sucks
7. Practicum
8. It’s in KL
9. Social life—and the demand to be good at it
10. I have no place to hide when things go rough
11. So little space
12. I am paranoid
    
13. The ever-ready-expectations; including mine
    
14. Practicum

Some reasons why I do not want to stay home (in no particular order)

1. I am bad at being a good daughter
2. I am bad at being a good and supportive sister
3. I am bad at being a good house-keeper
4. I loathe aimless days
   
5. Here means faraway from kmu

The reasons for hating to stay at home will make me want to go back to I*B* and the reasons for hating to go to I*B* will make me want to stay here and not pack up and be in denial. So, again, I will be in this state that I call the transitional phase where/when I will be—sort of—confused and mixed up, depressed too, maybe.

But of course… I will still be on that plane, Sunday. Life, here I come.

jimmmyyyyy...accchaaa~~ jimmmy......achaaaa~~ tararattararattarattaaa

bunyi-bunyi indah

Rain is coming. I love the smell. Maybe it was from west coast. I heard over the radio that a storm hit there at noon just now.

I was watching some movie trailers on youtube yesterday, right. And then I got bored so I wander off to the related clips and watch this bunch of clips on screen tests by the New York Times. It’s like these number of artists are to respond to a few similar—almost similar—questions. I don’t call that interview.

And one of the questions was *more or less*: what are the 5 non-musical sounds that you are fond of? I caught one of them repeating the question—that’s how I know that. I don’t really mind reviewing over their responds because this is a blog about me and I am by the way just as narcissistic as they are. You too. *smirk*

So the five non-musical sounds that I fond of:

1. The sound of heartbeat
2. The sound of the machines that are still alive in the middle of the night while everyone’s asleep. Like the refrigerator, though Thom seems to dislikes this; judging from his expression while describing the music in the radio are just like the buzzing of the machines. (source: meeting people is easy; correct me if I am wrong)
3. The sound of the raindrops hitting any kind of surfaces, especially rooftops; like the sound I am hearing now. The rain is here already.
4. The familiar sound of particular people’s existence around me. Such as familiar footsteps. The sound of mom’s keys when she put them on her desk every time she comes home from the market. The sound of my phone vibrating.
5. Maybe number 4 covered too many already.

And so, while I was thinking about sound, I remember Amon Tobin’s Foley room. He (and many musicians/artists like him) collected so many raw sounds and made them into music for that album. So I guess, it is not fair that I call those sounds as non-musical because every sound can be made into music right? Please, please listen to Big Furry Head on really good headphones. Even Zila was astonished. Hekhek



Then I feel like I want more big beat and weird music. So I remember M.I.A.—the song Thom played in that thumbsdown webcast—Pull Up the People.



He even said her first record (Arular) was a bit of his influence. I know I’m a bit late to just only search for her now. Paper Planes sure hit many people already. But anyway, I try to search that, failed (not much of Mia’s torrents in my usual torrent sites) search for the second one. Kala. Ahhh..yes…and downloaded. And of course—it is after all a great record. I straight away fall for XR2. Weee. Wish someone can provide me with Arular.

So, just for the sake of having a point--the point of my pointless story is every sound can be music but our lives are not musicals.

mornings, music and movies

I have a morning room. Erk, I say that wrongly. My room (not actually my room, but just a room where I will be staying in if Aman is not around, ‘cause if he’s here, I’ll be sleeping in my mom's room), is a morning room. You know, a room that faces the morning sunrise?

So it got hot every morning and I can’t really stay asleep until noon. Except in cases where I sleep after Subuh or something, I’ll just cover my head with a pillow and put the fan on superspeeeeed~ yeah!! *someone spoke to me in my head* what’s that again?—Owh, yeah of course I don’t have any air conditioning in this room, you silly…

Anyway, because of this and because I got nothing else better to do during mornings like this, I will just ramble my Tuesday morning off.

I don’t know why but, since last week, I am re-spinning Return of Saturn again and again. I remember listening to this record during secondary school. I can’t remember whose it was. Maybe Amoi. Hahahaha Naseb tuh aku tak gam. Aku asyek pinjam je. But for me it’s their best record compared to all five released albums maybe because I’m naturally not a Ska fan and this is the least ska but still not to0 poppy like Rock Steady (personal opinion). *they're coming out with a new album next year?*

There’s one possible reason why I came back to this album anyway—maybe Big Distraction. That’s probably why. Maybe New too. And anyway the whole album seems to deal with the issues that I am confronting now, seems to thinks the same thoughts as I currently am and I can imagine Stefani’s smirk the smirk that I want to smirk.

And hey—My Sister’s Keeper and The Time Traveler’s Wife will be out as mushy2, cuddly2 movies soon... I haven’t read those two books. Though I tried My Sister’s Keeper for awhile before deciding it was too depressing for me at that time. Don’t get me wrong, I really like depressing books. But I think Picoult’s novels weren’t really my cup of tea.

Was that The Pact that I read? Yep—that’s the only Picoult book that I read. My lost. I know. But hey, I am not actually a reader... it's really hard for me to really be engaged in a story in a written form. I still think I'll be a big fan of Mark Haddon if he writes more adult book, you know. excuses. But with the looks of the trailer (back to the sister's keeper topic), the movie is not actually that depressing as it was in my head when i try to read the book. So, I guess, I'll try to catch that. While Time Traveler’s Wife… I am kinda fond of Rachel McAdams, so I’ll try and catch that one too.

But whose NOOTTT excited about this ONEEE riteee??? I can’t wait to watch it for the adrenaline rush. But I somehow know that it’ll be like the first one. I can only watch it once on the bigscreen ‘cause the second time I watched it, I feel asleep half-way. So, opening end of this month, come one come all~!!

I’ll feel all excited like this for Watchmen and Terminator Salvation. But damn it… I got all—unfulfilled at the end of both shows. More of a disappointment for Watchmen actually.

Anyway that point aside, I heard the Hangover is hilarious and Inglourious Basterds is claimed to be awesome (Quentin Tarantino~) *site here* and Astro Boy will be out end of this year (angry fans all over too). Jack Black's coming out with Year 1 ...*holding back laughter*... with Michael Cera... And owh I have to wait for this movie too which I think is very interesting because it ties up two concepts: death and comedy. Let's see which of these movies will get the honour of being watched by me. tsk. heh~

And so apart from the cool movies I featured yesterday, I think I am gonna

OUCHHHHH iman just bite me on my shoulder while I was typing that!!! Aiiisshhhh~~~

how can i not count the days that i am with you when you are this beautiful...

the usual. "this is not a love story..its a story about love"..
yeah rite...~
but i think its cute. hope i can watch it one day.

intimacy=awkwardness=passion=fury=ecstasy=summer=*

o yeah, this one too..
yeah.totally.

mushy and mawkishly sentimental self-reflection: aku benci aku

And so, like what I had been saying in the past two blogs that I owned, I am still not proud of who I have become and what I have done. I still dare not say "I am W*z*a*" without a slight hint of shame. I still see myself in the mirror and straight away hate what I see.

And also, I have come to accept this one fact that whatever I do, people will make my actions as targets and points for my own humiliation. That means the more I expose myself, the more I (myself) invite the downgrade from others. This just shows that it does not matter what I do—it will still never be good enough for some people.

But then again, how is it that I expose myself? How is it that I have come to being the target of an execution by a firing squad? Maybe being me and going for what I want have brought me here. Aih..

And now that I am here, the next question will be: am I happy or am I sad?—because if I am happy, I should not feel this hatred towards my own reflection. But I do. I hate that reflection. So, does that show that I am sad? That I regret my decisions?

But I think I am here for many reasons and also, I am here for the sole effect of the continuous process of learning and making mistakes. I see no pit points of victory in my road of living, because victory is simply having this life to live, having this present time to inhale and exhale all of the things that I can take and learn from. So, all I can say is that I don’t regret my decisions and I am happy and sad at the same time. That is just life. I don’t have to be only one at a time.

I chatted with a friend last night. Talking to him gave me a lot of things to ponder—the things that we most probably have heard so many times before and we thought we got it but actually we haven’t, and anyway it still nice to talk about it as a friendly reminder. One of the things he said was that life is just too short to keep on re-thinking about our past actions—keep on going back there in our minds as if we can change anything. Though, as said by my facilitator during BTN, the past is very important as it is what creates us in this present time.

And then another dear friend said that there is no use worrying about the future too much because we could not reach there until we are really there. Planning is enough, but worrying would be absurd. So, from these few claims I concluded that what is most important is living in the present. (cliché; but it is a cliché for a reason)

And something huge happened this year that made me realize that the one question that really matters is “what do I/you/we want?” And us, being human beings, most of what we want is actually things that could make us happy (or so we thought; sometimes what we want, can’t make us happy after all). Then, if that question only leads to wanting the things that make us happy, we could modify that question to be more specific: what makes me/you/us happy?

Adds to the previous point, then we get: what makes me/you/us happy now; in the present? I obviously can’t make myself happy in the past because it already passed me and I could plan every detail to make sure I am happy in the future but I may still end up not being happy after all. Therefore, yes, what is more important is the present and what makes me happy now.

And so that question in general is supposed to help find and lead us to our contentment, to our happiness, insyaAllah. But of course, then came the issue of how difficult it is—the pursuit of happiness.

Nobody has ever claimed that happiness is easy. But if we really want happiness, we go for it.

Take: after a long run towards one aim, I realize I am running for nothing. (This is the case when something I thought I want because it makes me happy did not actually make me happy). This is because nothing is static, nothing is certain until it really happens and even when it happens, the true nature of those happenings may still differ to what I perceive in my head.

So if running towards one direction does not make me any nearer to what I am going for, I could run from a different direction—and then from another, and then another, and another. Until one point, I see no point in running towards that aim. So I ask myself: is it really worth it? When there are endless possibilities in this world, I am still running to this one aim and ignoring the other infinite number of aims; is this really making me happy?

That is when I change my course and find another aim that I think can make me happy.

But if we are still sad, the way out is our struggle to gain back happiness even if we are in our state of sadness. Consider: my mom. All her life, she lives within sadness. No, no. Wait, wait. That could be wrong. The truth is my mom has gone through a tough past and she may be still living a tough life now. Then, let us say going through a tough life is sad; as all I see in Bersama Mu are tears. So, with that, I assume she is sad and if sadness is water, then she’ll be still swimming inside a pool of it. But in that kind of state, she still struggle for her happiness. She work hard for money, she feed her children and get them into school; she pray and she pray hard, and nothing else matters. So once in a while I could hear she laughs and I could see her smiles.

That is what I call tough. And that is what I call her pursuit of happiness.

Kadang-kadang, aku rasa, aku hampir sombong dengan kepercayaan bahawa aku melalui sebuah kehidupan yang susah. Sombong/bongkak dengan kehidupan susah? Is this even possible? Of course. Aku kadang-kadang merasa aku ni berlagak dengan kehidupan aku yang susah. Apatah lagi dikelilingi oleh kenalan-kenalan yang hidup mereka jauh lebih baik berbanding aku. Kadang-kadang bila mereka sedih, ada penyakit hati dalam aku yang mau kata “itu yang kau kata susah?? Tengok hidup aku~”

Tapi aku silap. Masing-masing punya tahap masing-masing.

I shouldn’t put myself in his/her/their position, but rather be him/her/them in that position. The perceptions of the same world that we live in are different from one person to another. So to judge their misery from my own experience is just not fair.

Jadi sekarang, aku lebih cuba mendengar tanpa membuat perbandingan dengan kehidupan ku yang aku lagakkan itu. Kadang-kadang aku tersilap jugak sebab Zila masih merasa aku ni egocentric sangat. *gelak sopan…behhh*

Aiihhh…I love my friends. And though I have only a few, I am very grateful for that few bunch, because they are good people that always make me question, think and reflect. They are smart people. They are critical thinkers, I must say. They help me find some pieces of my jigsaw puzzles in my head, not by giving me those pieces but by helping me to think until I found those pieces myself. And though I have been avoiding saying this in here, I want to say this now. I have come to dearly love, adore, respect, care, dangerously obsess over and occasionally hate this one person that came unexpectedly into my life. He will now continue being the one of the main reasons for me to push myself to learn, understand and be mature enough for my own and our sake. And my mom and siblings too; maybe not great with academic certificates, but they sure are great thinkers and explorers of life experience.

All of these people cause me sadness too (of course), the sadness of which will be the base for me to learn to cherish my happiness as the effect of (simply) having them to love and being loved by.

So, A few years ago, I come into this conclusion: happiness is possible but sadness is inevitable. You could see this phrase somewhere in my early stupid artwork. Sadness is inevitable, that is why I think I always tell myself that even if it is hard, I just have to swallow it. It is everywhere. I will have it, no matter how I try to avoid it. Even if I say I didn’t seek for it, it will still find me.

But happiness… it is possible. It is never impossible. It is hard but it is always possible. I think happiness is the one wish that always is realistic. If you really wish to be happy, one sip of water will make you happy as if going through a drought. If you really wish to be happy, having one leg will make you happy as oppose to none. If you really wish to be happy, losing will make you happy as it will make you realize the things you have and losing will make room for some more gaining.

Being a pathetic person that I am, I always find myself able to find something, anything as excuses to be sad for. I can find faults, I can find flaws. I can start a chain of reasons to be sad for even if it starts with me slipping and falling on a slippery ground. This is probably the result of being an excessive thinker with less knowledge which is evidently dangerous. Therefore, the real challenge is to stop this and just be happy. I thought that I should find reasons for the being of me, then understand and improve. But then again, I can be less critical but smarter (maybe means being more of an ignorant) and just live in the present.

So, folks, this is a self reflection of my current state. Saya budak belajar, kalau salah tolong jangan kurang ajar. Whatever this means to you, maybe you could learn too, about life and what not to do. *hey it rhymes!!*

situasinya

Makcik-makcik bakal berkumpul di dapur Mak S, ada keramaian, ada makan-makan petang nanti. jadi ada gotong royong memasak. Makcik-makcik cepat datang, tidak sabar mau membanting tulang membantu tuan rumah siapkan makanan yang sedap-sedap. aku pun cepat-cepat bawak pisau extra, siap dengan besen biru aku. sebab aku: Mak Emmah dan aku berumur 43 tahun.

Owh jangan lupa bawa anak-anak dara ku si Rara dan si Ruru. Ini lah masanya aku mau menunjuk yang aku sudah berjaya membesarkan dengan baik anak-anak dara ku ini. Serba-serbi mereka pandai. Manalah tau juga, Mak Z mahu temukan jodoh anaknya yang kaya raya tu dengan salah satu anak-anak ku ni.

Kejap-kejap bertandinglah semua makcik-makcik. Macam buat pertunjukkan anak-anak dara dan mungkin juga menantu masing-masing. Lirik mata masing melihat setiap pergerakan anak-anak dara, macam mencari silap, macam mencari kagum. Kalau-kalau ada silap, lepas gotong royong nanti boleh dijadikan ‘teladan’ untuk orang lain lepas diceritakan semula insiden-insiden yang dilirik-lirik ketika bekerja ini. Kalau ada yang nampak bagus saja sentiasa boleh dicakap-cakap juga.

sampai di dapur Mak S, aku cepat-cepat mula. aku kagum dengan tangan-tangan tangkas rakan-rakan, jiran-jiran dan saudara-saudara seangkatanku berkerja. Tangan-tangan berkedut, dengan urat yang sudah tersembul keluar; kudrat kami sudah kurang tapi tetap tangkas melakukan kerja yang memang sudah menjadi kebiasaan kami sebagai isteri-isteri orang, ibu-ibu orang. Kami potong-potong daging, siang ikan dan udang, kupas-kupas bawang.

kadang-kadang aku terasa macam kami sedang berlumba-lumba menghabiskan satu kerja dan meneruskan kerja yang lagi satu.kadang-kadang aku rasa macam kami sedang bertanding siapa lebih tangkas membuat kerja, siapa lagi pantas, siapa lagi cekap.kadang-kadang juga mata ku terpejam-pejam bila silau terkena pancaran bias cahaya matahari ke barang-barang kemas emas mereka-mereka yang sibuk bergoyang-goyang dek pergerakan pantas mereka bertungkus lumus bergotong royong.

yang kosong lehernya, yang tidaklah menarik jari-jemarinya dengan kilau-kilau mula malulah mahu menunjuk sangat tangan yang tangkas. Takut-takut ramai yang sedar tangan-tangannya kosong.

tapi aku suka keadaan seperti ini. sebab aku boleh tolong rakan, jiran, saudaraku dikala mereka perlu bantuan.sebab aku tau suatu hari nanti, aku bakal perlukan bantuan dari si tuan rumah dan mereka-mereka ini juga. sebab suatu hari nanti, aku pula mau buat majlis keramaian seperti ini. cuma akan aku pastikan majlis ku akan lebih hebat dari ini. Aku toleh kanan, toleh kiri. Aku pastikan aku nampak semua kelengkapan dan kesiapan majlis ini dengan terperinci supaya aku bole buat jadikan sebagai petanda berapa banyak aku perlu buat supaya boleh lebih dari ini.

Memang bagus untuk melihat, belajar dan memperbaiki. Mungkin tujuan sebenar melakukan keramaian pun sudah hilang. Tujuan sudah bertukar menjadi bertanding majlis siapa lagi besar, lagi meriah, lagi banyak duitnya habis untuk menjalankan majlis tersebut. Tapi tidak mengapa, kan ada kemajuan di majlis-majlis akan datang. Biarlah yang kurang berupaya tu pun merasa tertekan dengan jangkaan orang-orang lain kalau-kalau dia pun akan buat majlis yang lebih ‘mahal’ dari ini. sekurang-kurangnya dia akan merasa sempit sampai dia terpaksa cari jalan juga untuk ‘maju’. Bukan begitu? Gelak kecil.

Dan aku suka juga keadaan seperti ini kerana, di kala tangan pantas bertungkus lumus, mulut-mulut kami juga tangkas bercerita. Pasal si polan, si polan, si polan dan si polan. Kalau aku tak ikut gotong-royong macam ini, mana mungkin aku tau pasal semua polan-polan itu. Aku pun sekali bagi tau versi yang aku tau pasal cerita-cerita si polan-polan itu. Lepas aku bagi tau versi ku, si Mak K pulak sambung ikut versi yang dia dengar. Biar seperti bercanggah sedikit dari versi ku, kami akon kan saja. Kami buat andaian versi kami dua-dua betul tapi mesti ada sambungannya di perantaraan cerita-cerita itu.

Dan begitu lah bunga-bunga cerita mengikut versi masing-masing tercantum menjadi satu bunga besar. Nanti bila bunga besar ini sudah matang, dia keluarkan lah debunga-debunga yang banyak nya tidak terhingga, dan dengan bantuan angin-angin, akan berterbanganlah semua debunganya ke merata dunia, dan bercambahlah benih-benih bunga baru dan mekar lah cerita-cerita itu keseluruh dunia.

Indah kan perumpamaan bunga?

the execution by a firing squad

I am standing here
not behind any bars because I am not captivated though I am restricted,
not behind anyone because I am independent though I am not alone,
not behind any lines because this world you and I are in knows no borders.

I am standing here
just behind my own invisible flag of white surrender.
Though blindfolded, my eyes are wide open.

For whatever reason, I am not fighting.
For whatever reason, I am just holding on
to where my belief has brought me to
and to what my decisions have brought upon me.

I am standing here.
I take the dirt, the earth where I stood upon.
I shove it in my mouth,
and I know what I taste is neither my defeat, nor my victory,
but it is the taste of my own fight.

I am standing here,
as the soldiers in front of me aim their bullets to my heart, my head, my soul.
I raise both of my hands
and I feel the air moving between my fingers.
I know what I feel is: time: that moves gracefully steady,
time that would not stop,
even if my heartbeat ends.

I am standing here,
taking the bullets in because I know there is no use of dodging them.
The sound of the bullets released from their rifles
are like the hum of the one I adore;
humming our tune as I make my way back to him.

So I fall to the earth that I tasted, to the air I felt.

The soldiers are standing there still,
what they see is neither their victory, nor their defeat,
they feel exactly the way I felt
they see nothing more than their own fight.

I am lying here,
and before the last ray of light exits my tunnel of life,
the realization dawned on me;
that I am my enemy.

fairytale 1

I had a nightmare once—I’m not sure when I had it, but dad was around at that time. So I must be younger than 10.

What I remembered from that dream was that it seems to me that the scene was in 2D cartoon drawing—of fast moving white elephants.

Imagine it happening on a dry, open and vast land--with no trees .
I was watching them as if it’s on a screen; from the third person point of view. They were running as fast as horses do, they were huge, and heavy. The earth was shaking so hard and dust was fogging my view. But there; upon a big stone, stand one elephant. I was very sure she looked like one of those elephants drawn for Disney’s cartoon. But her face was uglier and furious too. She was screaming at me. She was angry. And her screaming was so loud that I couldn’t make out any of what she was saying.

Yet, it all seems like silence. All that sound seems to make up silence in my memory—because I can’t understand the noise, the shouting, the voices, the screaming… I can’t.

I was horrified. I woke up sweating. I was in my (then) room with my sister. So without hesitating, I ran out to my parents’ room—twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open and I saw my mom and dad standing apart from each other. It was 2, 3 in the morning I think because mom was supposed to go for work already. So…well, people don’t stand in those poses at 2, 3 in the morning for nothing.

Anyway, I ran to mom and she tucked me back into bed. I had a fever the next day.

I guess the angry white and screaming ugly elephant was mom and dad.

berapa kali peringatan harus datang,tiada jalan lain selain satu,tapi mau juga bersimpangsiur,sudah hilang mau pulang tapi bingung.

for those who need this like i do, lay down on your bed and curl up, listen to the lyrics. and p.s. take it easy.



COME ON UP TO THE HOUSE. tom waits

Well the moon is broken
And the sky is cracked
Come on up to the house
The only things that you can see
Is all that you lack
Come on up to the house
All your cryin don't do no good
Come on up to the house
Come down off the cross
We can use the wood
Come on up to the house

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a passin thru
Come on up to the house

There's no light in the tunnel
No irons in the fire
Come on up to the house
And your singin lead soprano
In a junkman's choir
You gotta come on up to the house

Does life seem nasty, brutish and short
Come on up to the house
The seas are stormy
And you can't find no port
Come on up to the house

there's nothin in the world
that you can do
you gotta come on up to the house
and you been whipped by the forces
that are inside you
come on up to the house
well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
come on up to the house
well you know you should surrender
but you can't let go
you gotta come on up to the house

tentang welly lagi.

bawa van putih masuk hutan 2008


kalau aku ada kasut merah, aku hentakkannya bersama dan minta aku balik ke welly
"no place like welly, no place like welly"

kalau aku ada Doremon aku sendiri, aku minta pintu suka hati dan minta aku balik ke welly
"Dore2, mana pintu suka hati mu, aku mau guna sekarang"

kalau aku adalah anak orang paling kaya di dunia, aku pastikan aku ada jet persendirian dan minta aku dibawa balik ke welly
"pa, saya mau pigi welly sekarang juga"

kalau aku ada keupayaan untuk jump, aku bayangkan saja tempat2 tenangku dan aku balik ke welly
*imagines welly, clearly*

kalau aku ada totoro sendiri, aku pinjam bas kucingnya untuk segera bawa aku balik welly
"pinjam bas mu suruh dia bawa aku balik welly"

kalau aku sophie, aku pastikan salah satu pusingan tombol pintu Istana Howl adalah pintu yang akan bawa aku balik ke welly
"hauuurrruuuu (pelat sophie)....."

kalau aku waznah, aku...tidak mampu buat apa2.

aku mau balik ke welly bukan sebab apa, percaya lah ia semata2 kerana tempat itu memberi aku kebebasan dan ketenangan untuk merasa lebih senang menjadi waznah.

aku bukan mengagungkannya kerana ia negara orang putih dan apa saja yang diorang amalkan. bagi aku ia cuma sebidang lagi tanah bumi beratapkan langit. aku bukan merinduinya kerana memori dan ingatan sebab semua itu sudah jauh di simpan sebagai pengajaran. aku bukan menyayanginya kerana siapa2 di sana macam sesetengah orang cakap sebab aku yakin siapa2 di sana itu tetap siapa2 di sana.

mungkin senang untuk aku cari logiknya kenapa aku mau balik ke welly jika aku nampak pattern bila masa perasaan mau balik itu kuat: bila2 aku sedih teramat sangat,

DAN: bila aku mau cari ruang lepas, bila aku mau cari angin penenang dan sunyi yang tidak bingit, bila aku mau cari bunyi laut, bau udara yang manis, dan gegar langkah manusia bergegas2, bila aku mau terdedah di dunia luar tetapi masih merasa selamat,

DAN cuba lah kau bayangkan apabila pukul 3 pagi boleh mendapatkan kau secawan kopi panas dan sedap+kebab panas dan sedap+suasana sejuk dan tenang+kawan2 yang terbaik selama 23 tahun kau hidup. bukankah itu satu sebab yang baik untuk mau balik ke welly?

mungkin aku terlalu mer-romantisasi-kan welly.
mungkin juga aku mau ke sana kerana ia cuma satu pilihan jalan yang aku tidak mungkin boleh dapat lagi.escapism dlm imaginasi aku.

satu lagi cerita-ceriti karut

there's so many like it, you know. we thought it was different, but they all are just the same.i thought i've been through worst with one, but then i go through another one which is far worse than that so-called worst.we had ours and some will have theirs.

the stories of break ups and broken hearts.

i was browsing through my word files of things i wrote during free times but havent had the good timing to post them on my blog, and i found several posts relevant enough for today so that's why i posted three posts today.at least two of them are complete.

here's one that i think is relevant but it was not quite finished.i dont want to continue writing it now coz i will have different mood today than the mood i was in when it was actually first written which is around late October last year. time...hm..

anyway, just something to share. hope everyone who stops by can learn something or anything from this.

Writing is never an easy thing to do. I can take my memories and experience and describe it in my mind and say it through my lips to you. I can steal the words from a book, a song or from you. But at the end of the day, I still cant write you the things that I think I wanted to tell you. Simply because writing is never an easy thing to do or perhaps because I never really understand what I really should or want to tell you.
Things are not easier now that you’re gone. I can say I can survive this. I can laugh my days through and cry my nights when the town becomes silent. I can bury the memories deep down my own skin. I can scream my lungs out every time I find myself unable to contain the yearning. But at the end of the day I still want you—which is never an easy thing to do. Simply because wanting you is hard and it has become harder now that you’re gone.
There just have to be a reason why He sent you to me. There just have to be a reason why He put me in your way or you in my way. And yes I do believe that the heart of life is good. So, the reasons must have been good reasons. No matter how awful the heartache is, I should understand that there must be a good reason for all of this to happen. I must understand there are some good things to take from this and learn from it. I just h

well that's about it...

that time, i was searching for reasons. i was calming myself down. but i could not continue writing it. i was heartbroken and i was confused and i was lost and i was alone. and i know many of us have gone through this, but i hope by sharing this i could give another view of just another story.

yang dikendong

Katakan kita ada watak A.

A pergi ke gerai beli makanan –nasi campur untuk makan tengah hari. A angkat pinggan, taruk nasi, taruk beberapa lauk macam biasa.

A basuh tangan, duduk, tadah tangan dan baca doa. Tangan A suda pegang nasi, pegang lauk. Tonyoh, tonyoh. Baru hendak sua di mulut, telefon berbunyi.

Bos telefon. Urgent meeting. Kalau tak sampai pigi pejabat dalam masa 5 minit, “aku buang ko kerja!” bilang si boss. Jarak masa antara gerai dengan pejabat memang pass-pass 5 minit.

Mau tapau, malu. Nasi sudah ditonyoh-tonyoh. A tinggalkan saja nasi ‘nya.

Tadi dia pikir itu suda rezeki ‘nya. Dia yakin sudah dia akan kenyang sebab lauk nampak sedap; baru, banyak diambilnya itu lauk-lauk. Pastu dia pikir-pikir lagi “adui na...aku suda bayar lagi tu”.

Aku lalui situasi yang hampir sama beberapa kali. Betapa lapar nya aku, aku kadang-kadang marah saja bila pikir aku sepatutnya dapat makan nasi yang aku sudah bayar sebab aku cakap itu hak aku, itu rezeki aku.

Tapi situasi ni la yang banyak ajar aku, walau macam mana yakin kita tentang sesuatu, mesti ada saja kemungkinan lain yang boleh langgar keyakinan kita tu.

Nasi itu bukan rezeki aku. Biarpun aku suda bayar, aku suda duduk, dan aku sudah hampir sua nya kemulut.

Makanan itu bukan rezeki aku.

Sama juga dengan benda-benda lain, yang aku yakin terikat sudah di tangan aku. Aku ikat simpul mati. Aku yakin tidak akan terlepas dari jari jemari ku. Tapi kalau sudah Dia katakan ‘bukan untuk aku’, yang aku ikat itu boleh saja berguguran terlepas dari tangan aku. Siapa lah aku untuk marah dan katakan itu sebenarnya hak aku, rezeki aku, kepunyaan aku? Tiada sesiapa. Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Jadi aku ada hak kah untuk marah?

perubahan dan anjakan

Life is about changing. Changing needs catalyst and the word catalysts here refers to something that can challenge us—and a challenge here refers to something that is so bizarre, it moves you. For me, that definition suits heartaches’ definition pretty well (and some other bunch of words, but I’d chose this one this time). So yes, life needs heartaches to constantly change; for life to evolve; for us to move.

And another fact: after all these while I was told that no matter how our fate is written on stones, we still have our say in however we end up as; that we still have choices in life—I think I understand that better now. That concept is too complex for me, you see, it’s half way contradictory to itself. But yea, I think I got it... a bit...
So which evolutionary path that you take?—for better or for worse—you choose.

Though sometimes, change does not take place directly as the cause of our own actions. But we still have to move along to survive.

Consider:
I was living my life as normal; I was comfortable with my routines because I would know how my days end. And so I was minding my own business, doing my old and fine routine, but because of someone else’s deeds, I can’t watch my favourite TV series, on my favourite couch, with my hot choc, in my favourite mug, after a long day at work because Sally (my secretary) forgotten to pay my bills this time because her cat just died after being fed some poisoned by some kid living next door to Sally, and she only remembered about it when I called her after I realized that there’s not one channel that appeared on the screen as I pushed all the buttons on my remote control.
Should I blame that kid? Or Sally for being silly about her dead cat?
But then again—that’s just the catalyst for some change.

Now Sally has to find a new cat or some kind of new pet. Or a hobby? And she also has to go to the kid’s parents to settle some ground rules about the new cat and about behaving, maybe. Meanwhile, I have to consider not putting too much trust on Sally by checking out with her every time I let her pay my bills. Or I can pay them myself. And NO... I don’t have to fire Sally...though for a moment there I was considering to do so. *Mind you, that is a really, really important season finale for that series.