I can’t help but to make another Alice reference. This part where she met the Cheshire cat:
“Cheshire Puss,” she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. “Come, it’s pleased so far,” thought Alice and she went on. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—“ said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat “if you only walk long enough.”
In a few days we’ll leave behind 2009 and step into another new year. It’s like going back to 1 (this metaphor is based on the presumption that 1 is the starting of countings). Or is it really back to 1? Maybe not. The days may start back to 1/1 (first of January) but it wouldn’t be ’09 anymore. Or ’08. Or any other past years.
We don’t really have second chances with time now, do we?
So. Coming up to this year’s end is like that scene of Alice meeting the Cat. I’d ask: which way do I ought to go, dear life?
But that depends on where you want to get to.
Somewhere isn’t a good idea. With the destination of ‘somewhere’ it would only mean that I will walk blindly. And the problem is: I wouldn’t know when is ‘long enough’ to make sure that I am ‘somewhere’.
With the new year approaching and with a new phase of life awaiting me, I got to set my direction.
No. That doesn’t mean I’m setting a new year’s resolution.
Erk?! I changed my layout once again? What's that? I have no life; you presumed? Well, honey, people define 'life' differently, what's more 'how to live a life'.
That's just my self-defense mechanism talking; excuse me.
Well, that's not just it. I decided to change the blog name too. But the link url stays the same. As if anyone cares: that'd be a lame thing to say. Ahahaha. And I decided to use random song titles as the titles of my entries from now onwards. Nothing to do with the content. It'd be fun.
So far, I love that Schoolmatters is building up his own supporters in Facebook. Slowly? 'Gracefully' is better. Some really generous & supportive people are starting a discussion on how crappy our education system is. It's really a nice discussion. You want to join in? Here. Be a member and start contributing your opinions :)
On the other hand, Schoolmatters' blog really needs more active writers; but well, everyone's busy doing something. We'll find a way. Other than that, I am starting a new artblog. I don't really know where it's heading. But I just have to start. Somewhere.
I can't really sleep actually. Butterflies in my stomach.
Ada 15 sebab kenapa aku 'brain crash' beberapa hari ni.
(1) Terlalu banyak kehendak. (2) Terlalu banyak expectations. (3) Terlalu risau tentang penempatan sekolah. (4) Terlalu marah dengan keadaan tersilapnya bahagian *** dalam menguruskan penempatan kami. (5) Terlalu banyak benda nak buat. (6) Terlalu lama berada di dalam rumah tanpa keluar. (7) Terlalu malas hendak keluar dari rumah.
*fuhhh..traik nafas dulu...*
(8) Terlalu rindu rakan-rakan. (9) Terlalu memikirkan masa hadapan. (10) Terlalu selalu sangat tekan butang tab Facebook. (11) Terlalu banyak maklumat yang diserap di Internet. (12) Terlalu cepat hendak putus asa. (13) Terlalu cepat hendak jadi master dalam sesetengah perkara sedangkan baru mula belajar. (14) Terlalu pengen gaji. (15) I just made this list up, baru tadi. Memang ada rosak sikit la otak ni...
Masalahnya senang saja sebenarnya. Hilangkan perkataan 'terlalu' itu. Bersederhana. Chillax, Waz. Makan Paddlepop Rainbow tu dulu. Dengar lagu-lagu blues yang boleh goyang-goyang sikit-sikit tu.
Chillax, dunia.
Asyik-asyik tag 'tiada' ja ni. Ntah bila mau tulis betul-betul. One step at a time, yah.
Aku baru sedar blog aku punye masalah nak komen tadi. Aku ingat orang tanye-tanye aku pasal "kenapa tak leyh komen" sbb aku disabled komen kat post... Rupa2nya mmg masalah blog.
Mulai post ni, aku akan enable balek komen kat post. Kalau sudi nak komen, sila la komen.
I'm on a few artwork stuffs. It feels good to be doing all these stuffs. Makes me feel alive.
Here's some previews of my new works; still not finished yet. The pictures are really sucky. Because my camera lost its charger; my scanner is currently still on a ship on its way here. So, all that is left is my handphone's camera.
My version of Alice and a boy in the White Rabbit suit.
Here's somewhat a number of series shots of my few new loved creatures.
I'm learning to create 'complete' characters... Male characters; soon.
And here's a few random drawings.
I need colors and a scanner soon. While waiting for the letter; I'll be enjoying the remaining of holidays with anything. Wish me all the best.
"...every time you feel troubled or you feel like crying, you come to me as fast as you can, okay. I'll hold you. Then I'll count to three; you have to close your eyes..."
one
two
three.
*closes eyes*
***********
COLDPLAY [Strawberry Swing] the sky could be blue, could be gray, without you I'm just miles awayyea the sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time
DOES IT OFFEND YOU YEAH [Epic Last Song] I grow happy knowing that you're alright
NINE INCH NAILS [The Great Below] I can still feel you. Even so far away.
Here's a poem I wrote back in 2008 I think. It was from the old blog but I decided to revise it and publish it here.
Aku lelaki yang berdiri
Aku pula lelaki yang sentiasa menoleh kebelakang ketika berjalan kehadapan
Aku pula lelaki yang melihat langit dan laut kerana jika tidak, aku akan lupa betapa kerdilnya aku
Aku lelaki yang berlidah
Aku pula lelaki yang bagaikan burung merak; tahu aku jantan lawa, sisa kan saja si betina
Aku pula lelaki yang merasa perlunya peneman ketika aku perlu bersandar kerana lelah tetapi tidak ingin peneman di waktu lain kerana bila aku tidak lelah aku mau berjalan bebas, tidak perlu peneman sudah yang kemudiannya menjadi beban
Aku lelaki yang bertopeng
Aku lelaki yang ketawa kerana cuma merasakan bahawa ia perlu Aku pula lelaki yang menangis dibelakang tabir dan di sebalik bayang-bayang
Aku lelaki yang gagah kerana berdindingkan tebal disekelilingku Tapi aku lelaki yang tidak tahu siapa sebenarnya yang boleh meruntuhkan dinding ini
Aku lelaki yang berbaju
Aku lelaki yang segak berjalan kerana yakin Aku pula lelaki yang kata-katanya tajam kerana aku tahu ia benar
Aku adalah lelaki yang seperti malam, seperti siang, seperti betopeng, seperti dia. Aku adalah lelaki yang berkayuh sampan, dan memikul senapang.
Aku lelaki yang lupa
Aku lelaki yang pulang kepada Dia yang mengingatkan aku pada aku Tapi aku adalah si polan yang hilang namanya kerana dia.
I miss making dog related jokes..hahah But the message brought by this photo is NO JOKE! Because, yes , it's true. It is so important that you always remember this:
...THAT YOU'RE AWESOME!
But let's not get carried away, fellas. To be sincerely awesome is to actually be humble. Though you are so awesome in whatever sense you believe yourself to be (God, you are unbelievably narcissistic), remember that you are, in fact, flawed in so many ways (naturally) and that there is always this extra way to better yourself.
self esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect
confidence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities
Been working on a long piece about depression. Still considering of making a site for it instead. But I don't know.
A few hours on the writing (for today, it's been 4 days already) then, while reading something more about depression I got this phrase stuck in my head:
..being too inwardly focused.
Yes. That's it. That is exactly why we can't survive a heartache normally. That is why we can't make through that cloudy day without hurting ourselves. That is why we can't cope with that sadness.
Because I was being too inwardly focused. I think too much about my heartaches, what I can't do anymore now that my heart is broken; what had happened to me and why it shouldn't have happened or why something else should have happened instead; how this or that person is to be blamed for what had happened to me; how I am stupid but everyone else is stupider; how I deserves this or I don't deserve that; how life is not fair to me.
Even when I know that He who created this life and this world is All-fair and Most-Just...? Even when I know my knowledge and my reasoning; my thoughts, my calculation, my interpretation, my contemplation of which is better or which is not--would never enough to reach and understand His real plan?
Tsk...
So, where was I?
O yeah. Being too inwardly focused. So, the conclusion is simple. We turn it around; and be focused outwardly too? How is that? Beats me. But here is a suggestion:
I've written something about imagination a few weeks back, I think. But I have to babble about it again: Imagination and creativity in thinking is something so powerful that it can help us to NOT be too inwardly focused. Because we soar pass the boundaries of our own life bubble.
Keep ourselves busy with something else. Do things we enjoy. Appreciate what we have instead of hoping to have what we don't. Remember that we are here and what had happened are all because there's a bigger power than anyone of us.
If the black cloud is blocking the sun from us, we soar pass that. If the rain's too heavy, we'll soar pass that to caves, to houses, to places we can keep warm; wait till the sun shines again and there'll be the rainbow. Awwww....
Then we can see a wider picture of things around us and the happenings that happened to us. We can see that this (ALL this, though how little 'everything' is actually) is so much more to be taken for granted by being sad all the time and by hurting yourself in ways normal people wouldn't think of.
Even if being happy requires conscious effort for me... I want to be happy.
Just like this kid here. I witness her ability to imagine. She talks her own language, she tells stories *bersungguh-sungguh* She plays on her own just as if she has this whole world that we, the adults, could not see...
I didn't initially planned it to be this way, it just turned out like this; this entry. Therefore, the pictures might not really explain what I crap about exactly, but hewl, just get along with it. It doesn't matter anyway.
HOW TO KNOW YOURSELF BETTER 1. Have friends. Have lots of friends. It doesn't matter you only know them through the internet, or you only say hi! to them once or twice a day at work.
2. Have closer friends. A bunch of them. These ones say more than hi! of course.
3. Be with these people at times when you feel like it. Share jokes, stories, gossips, advices, reminders. Whatever. It's important to 'see' and 'know' about other people in order to know yourself better.
4. Have a 'closest friend' or two. Talk to these type of friends; let them know the deepest side of you. Your past, your mistakes, your ups and your downs in life, your awfulness but they're okay with it. They don't judge, they don't criticize, they just help you to realize things. They take care of your heart more than they care about the-so-called-reality, but they will help you see that reality.
5. Have time for yourself, when you think you need them. But be okay with it. Don't feel lonely; then it'll be a contradiction. Make sure you are not harmful to yourself when you do this.
6. Always reconnect with your family, your passion, your love, your roots and most of all your spiritual side. It's #1 priority: The One.
6. Try to know what you really want, what you really need, try to know what you like. And try to know why you like/need/want them. Try to relate.
7. Go to places you like and love. Go places you never been to. Go anywhere.
8. Be thankful. You won't know yourself if you are not thankful for what you have. You keep on wanting something else, you'll only get to know that self that you wish you are with the things you wish you have.
9. Make changes, go against the current sometimes, go weird, make a difference. Challenge yourself. Have enemies for reasons you know for sure.
10. If you find yourself in deep shit, and of which makes you think twice about whether you know yourself or not; you just have to think hard, ponder hard, go find answers and see things from different perspectives. So repeat all steps from #1.
I really need something to distract myself, you know. Change is good. Change is nice. Waiting is not, though. It kills slowly; the more you wait, the more you become anxious. But oh well. It's just about time walking; it was never slow or fast. It was always about us, really. If you know what I mean. There's nothing we can do about it.
Except: distractions.
Every decision is pending. All options seem so blurry. It's like life has to wait for this letter/news. Well, life do has several transition phases. And this sure aint the first one. So why am I so nervous? But of course. We're not 17 going on 18 anymore.
Fear is something good. It makes us alert. To a certain extent, of course. We just have to make sure we're not paralyzed by it.
The whole 2009 I had been taking random pictures, hoping that I would remember this year more clearly once it left me. Well, I didn't manage to really capture EVERY vital moment, but... hurm menyesal... There are some moments that I wish I did capture in camera.
And due to my lack of visual items accompanying my previous entries here in my blog *most of the time I'd be all about words only* today, I'd like to make an entry; pointless, but nonetheless 'filled' with photos.
Lagipun, aku bosan.. mak aku kata, kalau aku bosan, aku sendiri punya salah, tak pandai nak entertain diri. So, aku ciptalah kerja; browse through album aku, ambil semua gambar-gambar 'pointless' ni. These photos reminds me of so many things but are too 'empty' to be uploaded to my fb account, so, here they are.
the view of the Gardens. the place where I would not buy my things from. I couldn't.
a view out from the windows of the classes up on Tower Block. That's Menara Telekom.
My 'work' place when I still had the post-it-project fever.
Teh ais at canteen, paling besh aku rasa.
The rainbow umbrella. I forgot whose it is. But this is at Atik's.
Nurul made a really nice status just now. She said Ponny wished her to have rainbow-filled days; sunshine+rain... happy days+inevitable rough days=life. so comforting. in a way.
a view of a building in the making. this place reminds me of the view when I was waiting for clyde and where, nearby, he taught me how to ride the motorcycle
this one I took when I was waiting for him too. he went to fetch something at the other block
this one, he drew for me to stick inside my transparent file
and this one, I wrote as big as I can inside my notebook, took a picture and sent it through mms. to clyde of course.
Actually, the thing that triggered me to do this entry is Aizat, Syafiq and Myto's project video documentary on IPBA. I got the chills watching it. Maybe I still can't believe that that (undergrad life) is over. But I know I'm gona keep the memory. ;)
Was thinking of updating the blog with something else totally just now. But decided that that should wait. There will be a more suitable time for that.
...typed something but deleted it again.
...typed something else more; but decided that it's a 'no' too.
Fine. I let one out: "I miss clyde so much"
OKaay. I'll keep everything else to myself [for now], I promise. SO. Love art-blog hopping, especially for the motivation to create one myself. usually it'll star from Imaginsm Studio's Blog or DeviantArt. But one of my friends introduced me to another site to start from. Nice~ So, hop, hop, hop I go.
Other than that...bought new gears for drawing; drove the hilux around and around again *I feel the power* yeay; staying out of trouble; trying to make everyday meaningful with the cohortblog, trying to stay in touch with the world through FB, helping around the house(s), teaching kids English and just try to be more of an adult by saying lesser things and try to let go some of the old feelings. It was a heavy burden all these while, anyway--those feelings. Blekh. If you want to keep on carrying it, go ahead.
Other than that, I try not to care much like I used to. I worried too much about other stuffs until my own world almost collapsed. Tsk. So I'm putting on a bulletproof vest and I'm venturing out.
[...] *stuck at the 'door'*. I don't really know how I'm gona 'venture out', but the thought makes me feel so motivated so I'm sticking it in my head. Yeah!
I wish I have this in the garageto venture out~ Gambar tiada kena mengena dengan entry.
All of my books (story books) are probably on the sea now. Or maybe at some port, waiting to sail. Hurm it’ll take more weeks for them to see me, or me-them.
All but one. One which I save for my holidays. My still most loved book: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Charles Lutwidge Dodgson/ pen name: Lewis Carroll. A 1954’s addition, bought in early 2008 off TradeMe. I didn’t even save my sketch book, nor my pens; I really don’t understand why, now that I think about it. Maybe I was a bit off on the day of packing those boxes.
Anyway, this book accompanied me during the flight (and flights before this) and my holiday days up until now. Even I read it again and again; it never fails to make me stick. And the way all the nonsense going on in the ‘story’, I also never fail to just let go of the book whenever I wanted to stop and do something else.
You see, this is a very important feature for a good read (for me who has very short attention span). Because, if I read a book that is too engaging, I would never stop and I’d probably end up spending the whole day or many days just to finish it. But not with this book.
And one thing that I love about the story is that, as I read on, I kept thinking, THIS IS NONSENSE. It’s crazy, it’s all such a mess! It is, in fact, adventure. And it won’t stop make me wonder what it really is. What the story is really telling. What is actually going on in Carroll’s mind when he wrote this? The wonders, I say... He was anyway also a mathematician.
The story’s reference to a deck of cards (Wonderland) and to a playing of chess (Looking Glass) are merely some of the evidence that there really is more to the story line than just Alice’s dreams on lazy and boring afternoons.
Well, there’s so much analysis of the story (both stories) that we can find nowadays. I’ll take my time interpreting the story myself first while I read those other analysis and interpretations bit by bit. Starting from Google and Wiki, so much to read about...
And there's so many adaptations and other works of art that are inspired/influenced by this book. I remember being so excited when I first knew that Mr. Burton will make one too; a live-action movie out of the story, sort of, more of an extension story as said. And I remember seeing a poster; and get all excited showing it to Clyde. And today I bumped on to the trailer again so I want to share it. Maybe you’ve watched it. But s'what.
And I wanted to share this part ... ...taken off from Chapter 5: Wool and Water (Through the Looking-glass). Maybe we can learn something from it.
‘Only it is so very lonely here!’ Alice said in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks. ‘Oh, don’t go on like that!’ cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. ‘Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you’ve come to-day. Consider what o’clock it is. Consider anything, only don’t cry!’ Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears. ‘Can you keep from crying by considering things?’ she asked. ‘That’s the way it is done,’ the Queen said with great decision: ‘nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let’s consider your age to begin with—how old are you?’ ‘I’m seven and a half exactly.’ ‘You needn’t say “exactually”, ‘ the Queen remarked: ‘I can believe it without that. Now I’ll give you something to believe. I’m just one hundred and one, five months and a day.’ ‘I can’t believe that!’ said Alice. ‘Can’t you?’ the Queen said in a pitying tone. ‘Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.’ Alice laughed. ‘There’s no use trying,’ she said: ‘one can’t believe impossible things.’ ‘I dare say you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. …..
Really, read between the lines. Not because you’re trying to be a douche, but surely, there’s much to read there than just those words. Too much to learn from just a short excerpt.
Life is not as simple as mathematics. Owh how hard it is to accept that fact. I know it. But to truly believe in it and act based on the belief of that is so much harder.
I wish I can babble more about this. But every time I typed something, I’ll cancel it out. Bearing in mind some people who might read this.
But life is good. Life is good to me. I wish I can give more goodness to people, help people as I walk pass their lives. But not everything will be perceived as how we wanted it to be. There’s too much misinterpretation.
Still, though there’s always a slight glitch here and there—life still is good to me.
Sometimes I wonder, it is just so wrong that I felt this guilt to show that I am happy. To write about how happy I am. It is just not fair. But what is fair? What is right? What is wrong? And every discussion leads us to the subjectivity of these concepts again and again.
And so I left it there. I just hope (sincerely hope with all my heart) that everyone could see that life is good…
Hey! Look at this picture.
This life is good enough for me.
I'll appreciate what I have and I'll respect what I don't.
Yeah. I guess I’m still not out of the transition phase. I am sorry. I cannot distract myself from this emptiness I felt now that I’m far away from the one life I once have.
But …yeah…yeah.. I’ll try my best.
I mean, I know right? I need to really move on now.
But home is sooo comfy~ I don’t know how to be on my feet. The life of a total ‘bambung’! Meaning unemployed adult in Sandakan *as far as I know*… is such a bliss at times when I ignored the feeling of emptiness and the need to do something else than ‘doing’ the internet. Hekhekhekhek
I mean, come on. Don’t blame me. I can’t move on with the uncertainty of where I’ll be posted… Excuses.
I think it’d be great to reconnect us and keep us connected (the fellow monkeys of TESLians, cohort 3, cycle 2, IPGMKBA). Also to “…have a blog where we share news and updates or stories related to teaching in general or personal experience specifically those related to the profession or education...”
ps. thanx Bobby Long for the heaps of contribution in making the site better. and to those who joined in. more people please! :D let's make this work. ;)
