watever happened

scene one:
i was surfing on the internet.browsing thru some random pics of ppl.reading sum comments.i found something i thot was a lil funny so i laugh a bit..n then i sort of 'push' my laugh till i laugh n laugh thinking how the thing wasnt actly funny but i need the laugh n then the laugh wasnt abt the thing anymore but it was a laugh for the laugh tht was caused by the desperate need of a laugh.

scene two:
Iman (my nephew) was very 'good' with technology. he can push buttons n click on mouses. he likes to sit with me with my lappy n mess with the arrows on the keyboard.so i opened a folder containing some of my pics from the welly days n let Iman push the up, down, left, right keys; changing from one pic to another.n then we came upon a very meaningful pic.

i laughed at first. remembering the story behind it n the conversation i had with someone while looking at tht pic. Iman laughed too coz i was laughing. he just likes to imitate ppl. n then my laughter faded n it was instantly changed to sadness.or was it too much yearning?--i covered my face coz i just realized tears were alredi streaming down my face.
Iman stopped laughing too maybe coz he didnt hear me laughing nomore. he looked up to me and sed "tee...tee...(auntie)" in a really small n soft voice (which is unusual for Iman). i put my hands down. i looked at him.n he opened his hands n he hugged me (on my neck actually) n pet me on my back. "ngisshh..ngishh (nangis), tee..tee.." n we just kept quiet for awhile before i shutdown my lappy n go downstairs.i cant look at thm pictures nomore at tht moment.

Iman is 2+ years old.i think.

i felt: kosong.

hm

currently i am jump-reading. three books. one called leaning towards infinity. another is (still) Alice's adventures in wonderland+through the looking-glass.n another one is a random book i found under my brother's bed--no porn mag down thr apparently--its called mystery of the five bright keys. hihi sometimes i found myself reading through the words, flipping through pages, but actually am not following th story cuz my mind is sumwer else.the words JUST DONT FORM STORIESSS ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

hurm.

the problem with being at home is that, i am someone else. well, technically, i am--ME, this someone else IS ME, coz she IS A PART OF ME...but damn it! i cant really do what i want, say what i want, n ..u know wat i mean~
i cant keep quiet.i cant daydream.mommy will think something is wrong with me.she'll think im unhappy.i can not NOT eat. i cannot NOT sleep. i cannot puff my thoughts away *3 days clean*. i cannot komplen abt life, mom will laugh at my complaints coz ofkos for a person like her n the things tht she went thru, my life is not anywer near as tuf as hers.

i hv to apear hepi, hv no personal problems, no bad habits. i cannot show that i am unhappy, thus i cannot BE unhappy.in a way i think, that just makes me more stressd.wat i can do, however, is to run around n jump around like monyet, make cat sounds, laugh my head off, go manja2 with mom, ask her to comb my hair, scream at the top of my lungs with iman, be his horse, make him fly, be his monster, dance with him n appear as happy as i can which in a way release sum stress. dont get me wrong, i am happy. i am happy to be with my family (actually only half of my family left). but, demmit...i cant get myself to let go some things okay...n im still learning some new skills too (like: not following your heart all the time) which sometimes stress me out.so..lalala.tak bleyh impulsive da.tak bleyh follow my intuition da.tak bleyh..tak bleyh...

on th other hand, eventho i can act like those semonyet yg boleyh, i still hv to apear mature enuf so i can mara2 my sis when she come home late ke, or give mom my opinion abt my brothers ke, or abt our household's economy ke, i hv to appear yakin with my opinions decisions blablabla...really contrary these two characters eyh. so when i go to my room, lock the door, lay down on the bed...i feel...empty...i dun have anyone to tell exactly how i feel.

who cares how i feel anyway.no one.no.one.

thats childish tho, i think, to hope for someone to care abt how one really feels.isnt it?

i realize i got my writing momentum back.perhaps its becoz its another way i can channel my thoughts, stress n watever.other thn those physical acts.
tumoro i hv to start wif my drawing too. 2+ months since the last artwok i think.n abg rom dah tanye2 y i was 'silent' oredi.hurm.

wat ever happened to tht power-supplier? i hv no idea.

its sad, aint it, to realize, tho life isnt just abt us ourselves, we still are alone at the end of th day...okay maybe its not sad..its just..that..fact.

im learning to let go.
wait. that is not letting go.
maybe..its more..like...im learning to ..something...amm..
tsk.
watever it is, I AM LEARNING SOMETHING.
so just give me more time.

my two years in welly. its funny. all those things tht ive gone thru, i put em in my past..put it all behind me..n wen i look back..everything was dark, every face was unclear..except that face..that face in thm crowd is all tht matters....wait..its in my past so it shld go lyke tht face in thm crowd was all tht mattered. past tense. past.

watever happened?

a fren said tht, i can change. i just need tyme. or maybe a miracle.
wif th look of it at the moment, i think i found my miracle. miracle in this context isnt something beautiful.not something fairy-ly hepi.not something bright, shiny, happy, or wat.but it is neither shitty nor fakap.

it is only one small fact. (which im not gona tell u coz telling u require me to tell the other exciting story of my life which i bet everyone wants to hear *yakin je aha* n yes i do wana tell everyone *uhu, uhu*, its just tht i hv neither the guts nor the full-understanding of the whole situation myself to be able to tell them, but i'd just say i wont tell coz i don wan to, to avoid the need of an extended n uncut explanation)

that small fact.
which becomes the bBBIIIGGG push.
n the BIIIGGG Slap on the face.
voila.my miracle.

nomore excuses. nomore leaning towards the infinity.*hv to read tht book to understand what infinity represent other than the infinite value in mathematics*

all this crap-- i can change my mind abt em tumoro, u know..fak..


dammmnnniittt~!!! there's a small moth in my coffee!! wen did it gt there??? kesian drown.but MY COFFEEEE!!!! tak sempat nak habis kan!!
that put aside, if u havent noticed, all those crap uve read is only there to show tht: i cant deny how much i am still deeply, stupidly, unrealistically, irrationally, fakaply--in--love.

thank you and good night.

transisi suda abis~

dearest

"...i wonder if i've been changed in the night? let me think: was i the same when i got up this morning? i almost think i can remember feeling a little different. but if i'm not the same, th enext question is, Who in the world am i? ah, that's the great puzzle!"

--alice

tu pemandangan pagi terakhir aku kat welly for a long *hopefully not too long* time...taken from waiteata.

so far, im still a bit confused.pusing ngan transisi dua alam nieh. (alam msia ngan nz eh, nothing to do with alam laen2..huhu) i still need some more time to re-adjust.

eheh let me do a short list. sebab dah banyak sangt lsit 1st, biar ak buat list abt 'second' plak..:D
the second ___ that i _____ when i reached home..

1. the second person that i hug in the airport was Iman. after my mom. they're the only ppl tht come to take me home anyway. ;P

2. the second thing that i ate was a traditional bugis kuih called Barongko' (or so i believe tht is the way the name is spelled)..best siot....perghh...

3. the second thing tht i drank was (n still is drinking) a cup of kopi 3 in 1 on ice yg sedapppp sekali...ni sebenarnya bekalan mak aku g pasar..tapi sekali sekala la eh mommy~ ;P

4. the second thing that i did tht made mom sigh was jumping around the house with iman whom instantly become my best friend/kamching.

5. the sweeeeettttt n lemakkkssssssssss smeeellll of cempedak is the second thing that..alamak..okok..this one, is actually the first. the first smell tht i notice in the house was that smell...aduhh..but i hv to wait till tumoro to fry them..eheh~~

6. hmm...aalalalal...alamak..moood da tukar arah.

heh. mom has to sleep after 8 everyday. my big brother's not here anymore. my lil bro's still studying. ema's usually out; nyway, i dont talk to her much. so here i am.

the simplest excuse i can make up for this weird feeling inside me is that i left my heart back in Welly. i still cant accept tht im here oredi.not thr. not anywhere else. n now tht im not with sai nemore, i hv to get use to msia w/o his companion. i just realize how much i'd depended on him all the while i was in IPBA b4 i went to nz. n i thought i was independant back then. silly.

my guitar pun dah berhabok. so is the dvd player. the comp needs to be checked out coz something is definitely wrong with it just tht i duno anything abt PCs. hm.kene a aku yg berabih guna suma bende balek nieh..yeahhh~!!

thr's an empty room in this house.how amazing. the house tht never has enough room has an empty one now. i hate tht whenevr i walk around this house, i always find myself terkejut beruk coz i always thot i saw sumthing from the corner of my eyes. demit--this is MY home! umah sendiri ni.cam org aseng je kan.tsk2.

ish.ngantok.esok sbg merepek.yeay.

merpeek disiangpagi ari buta aku perlu tdow

8th of nov.ape la aku nak buat with my last 2 weeks in welly.ape la pun yg aku mampu buat...

klaka seyh hidup ni. macam...haih..

barang2 dah almost habis packed.kene kuar esok pagi dari umah ni.budak2 junior yg baek hati considerate ngan senior2 derang yg cuak tade sape nak ganti ni akan masok esok pagi.so, we have to get out tumoro morning gak.
at times like this la my mild insomnia bleyh berguna skiet.aku tak ngantok pun.langsong tak tdow.dah a semalam tdow due tige jam je kot.dah seminggu da pakse tdow nieh.malas nak tdow.sebab bile bangun kene start all over again.register balek pe dah berlaku dalam idop aku.kene ingatkan balek diri sendiri ngan hidup yg tunggang tebalek sekarang nieh.klu tak tdow, atleast tade a aku kene telan balek sume bende2 pahit tu..dah mmg dalam system dah.aih.pe tah aku merepek.

haHAH..tu care atik gelak klu die rase betapa konghajo nye situasi hidup skrg tapi terlalu konghajo sampai tak leyh nak kate ape..so..
ahaHAH...

these past few months rase cam panjang sangat...byk sgt berlaku.kdg2 aku rase aku penat aku takleyh nak cope.tp..ape..ape tah aku bleyh buat.

klu jogging long distance kan, first few miles tu mmg paling susah..paling penat..paling sakit...tapi bile dah jaoh2 tu..lagi jaoh..rase cam kaki dah start numb..i mean..cam tak sedar pun kite tgh lari..kaki jadi ringan..kite lari jeh..sampai rase tak nak berenti pun...lari sampai klu nak stop tu kene sprint abes. so that btul2 penat out of breath sampai kene stop..n then u stop.

i need to get out of town.even for just awhile.tp ntah camne.ntah nak kemana.ntah utk apa.

smlm budak tesol cohort 3 ade formal farewell dinner. seronok. but to tell the truth aku rase aku, cam besa a kan, cam tade pun kat situ.di awang awangan.

kate org, klu la kite dapat kembalikan mase kate a nak betul kan pe yg kite dah buat saalah, ade kemungkinan kita akan ulang je kesalahan tu. so theres no point actually nak balek. jalan terus je a.jalan terus. aku kene jalan terus.

aku bukan la budak bangang cam aku slalu ura2 kan. aku budak pandai. aku bole fikir jaoh lebih baek, jaoh lebih kreatif jaoh lebih kritikal.tolong la jgn anggap aku bangang.dan aku bukan la lemah cam aku slalu portray kan. aku dah lalu macam2 shiettt dalam life nih. tapi kenapa lah..kenapa lah aku di situasi ni skrg...

penat2 cam nieh, aku balek gak pada music radiohead.apa la ada pada music derang ni sampai bleyh buat aku rasa home.is it because of it is the most familiar sound to me? cam dari kecik dengr sora thom ni kan. mayeb2. i duno.

babieh aaahhhh...

arap2 balek msia, suma bole reset. aku nak janji pada diri sendiri, lepas ni, aku tak nak jadi honest ngan org. aku tanak crita kat org my past. tanak crita kat org sapa aku. sbb aku dah belajar, org tak kan bleyh terima aku seadanya. tada org bleyh terima org seadanya klu org tu cam atau serupa atau hampir serupa ngan org cam aku nieh. ok la.mungkin ada.tapi sedikit sahaja.oleh itu, aku rasa kebarangkalian aku menjumpai org yg bole terima aku seadanya tersangta la tipis.oleh itu, mungkin aku kene tebalkan skiet wall aku, tebalkan skiet topeng aku, pakai name tag org laen n just be someone else.leave my past behind n never mention it to another soul, never reveal too much of my self anymore.

ok.im exagerating.
im thinking emotionally.

im sleep-deprived.

i hate coffee.



wat..

merepek sial.kol 6 dah.setan.maybe aku kene tdow.damn.

matahari...terang la ko ari nieh.panas kan la bumi welly.


give me another chance to make this right.
iwanabeabetterperson.

changing walls and windows and doors.

a summary of radiohead's evolution pre-inrainbows.



please dont underestimate me. i hv so much more than u think.
its ur lost that u cant see those things in me.

u know what i think abt ppls judgmnet? i think no matter how thick our walls r, we will be judged. ppl will judge. ppl always judge. good or bad. i still call it judging.

n btw.
there's the door.get out of here
why'd u have to sneak out of the window.

close the door behind u
lock me up from outside
so i wont follow u
i wont follow

i'll take the blame
if u cant handle it

i woke up sucking on a lemon

there's this live perfomance of the clock by thom yorke.ive been meaning to post this on my facebook profile for a long time now.but i dontknow y, im still reluctant to share radiohead/thom related stuffs in facebook.duno y.i know y.but im lazy at the moment to bable abt that.

anyway.found this ytube last year. still tak perna jemu tgk. its just amazing. the way he multitask.such conentration. such passion.

n plus, he's really hot in this performace. not because he's simply thom yorke, not because he hs such great guitar playing skill, not because he turned a dance/electronic song into an acoustic version like damn---so--fineeeee, not because his voice is just amaziing in this, n not because he's simply kacak...but he's really hot coz he's wearing white shirts with blue jeans n white shoes.

anyway, here's the original version from the earaser.


and my lord, how did he make it into this:

simply amassssiiiinnggggg

heheheheh


selain dari itu...

hm. life. hmph.
you know, everytime i make a new entry in this blog, i feel as if ive done it before. like ive talked bout the topic or said exactly the same thing before this. like a dejavu. yeah. i feel like im having dejavu too many times recently. not just with writing this blog. anything. ive feel like that before but it as becum more often u know.sometimes i can ebdasda

nvr midn.

ive torn the calenders off my wall. i ahvent packed yet. i daydream too much. during workshop this morning, i went to the toilet to sleep for more than 20 minutes. i think.

i dont want to think too much. do u realy think that i enjoy thinking too much? if i know how to stop, dont u think i wld?

blakh.

i think i shld eat megi or sumthing now.
just to kill time.

"yea mama this must be my dream"

to accompany u reading this silly and pointless entry is a song by marcy playground. a song that i really love to listen to in the 90's. macam lagu weng...sex and candy.


i have no reason what so ever to update this blog.i dont have any idea, nothing to tell (well, none in particular), no secrets to share, no nothing. merely because im bored and im here. i just wonder, u know, people say they wont get bored as long as they have the internet...i cant understand these people.i mean, i cant empathy to them.im not criticizing..i just..really, i just want to feel the same way as they do...but the fact is, im bored as hell with the internet. it as become my subconscious act to turn on my laptop everytime i walk into my room.i'll sign in my yM, open a few tabs to check my emails, my accounts and probably a few links. n then...nothing...after a few minutes i'll found myself staring at the screen thinking about other things n at those moments after checking out all those usual stuffs, usually after 15-20 minutes, i'll think "the internet is just another public space where you will feel totally alone and bored out of your mind no matter how pact it is with second chances of second lives, full of information, full of fun n games n whatsoever they do with the internet nowadays". n so i got that thought almost everytime, everyday when im in it, such as this particular moment.

im bored as hell.

n i think about u all the time.

things seem out of their places but i know everything is actually at their right places.i shouldnt feel stressed.i shouldnt worry.i shouldnt go wacko again.

the truth is, i feel that i lost myself.i admit that im not where i expect myself to be.i admit that i am not in control of my own decisions. the truth is, i never am sure of what i am doing, what i should be doing, what i will be doing and i was never sure of what have i done.i neither can say ive done them right nor regret them. the truth is i never had a plan.even if i had, i always forget to follow that plan. thus, therefore, and that leads us to the conclusion,--that----i admit that i think to a certain extend you are right. no, wait, i think you are right. i admit that i am wrong. coz the truth is, i am still inside my own white, small, lonely room when i thot i have been rescued. thats a stupid thought btw.to think that i will be rescued.to think that i need to be rescued.

3 more weeks.n i probably wont see this land again coz im not sure i even want to come here again.even for the graduation.i cant be sure of anything anymore anyway.its an agony to think that we have to wait.to think life is about waiting.Amoi is the first person that i found to say "let time show u things"...u knwo..like...we'll just have to wait and see...nanti a..tengok a nanti..ntah la, tengok la nanti...to say later, nanti, wait, tunggu, masa...masa...timeeee...i have been avoiding agreeing to Amoi..but then, more and more people, i meet and befriend, are the type of waiting people, the time-people..the later people...maybe its just that im an impulsive person (a little maybe, a lot? ermm...im not sure..again..not sure..) tahts y i cant really absorb the idea of waiting.but thats just the fact sometimes.we just ave to wait.learnt it the hard way.

and so...yeah.this is just another transition phase, i guess.i'll make it through alrite.i'll woke up one morning and pretend ive never been in NZ.ive never met u or no one else.n memories will be just memories.

did i learn anything while im here?
i sure did learn a lot.
but

anyway.
tomorrow's just another day.
and im just another face in the crowd.