30 minutes

Sh**. Aku tak kira. Aku tak nak buat kerja.

Tapi aku tak da idea nak tulis apa hari ni. Semua drafts aku nampak bosan bila dibaca sebelah mata. Macam ada bayang-bayang nak panic attack.

Begini lah. Aku bagi diri aku sendiri masa sampai 30 minit dari sekarang untuk menggila di blog ini sebelum aku mulakan bekerja.

TOTAL RANDOMNESS. really?

sesungguhnya, aku yakin apa yang aku tulis di blog ini sungguh crap dan aku tak rasa orang akan suka apa yang aku tulis. Pada satu tahap, aku tak rasa pun orang akan baca. cuma kadang-kadang ada sesetengah Orang ingin membantu aku dalam merasa lebih baik tentang diriku sendiri, oleh itu cuba memuji aku dengan tulisan ku yang bodoh ini.

tapi aku cukup berterima kasih. kerana pada satu tahap, ya (!) aku merasa bagus dengan diri sendiri. tapi tidak cukup bagus untuk meyakinkan aku bahawa aku boleh dapat apa-apa pun dari blog kosong ini. ia bukan kejayaan. jadi aku kembali merasa bodoh dengan diri sendiri.

nothing can come out of something crappy as this.

but thats the point! anything can come out of anything. i mean, i hold to that believe, you know...that: if we wana learn from something, we can! even from the crappiest teacher ever. like me. so something can come out of anything...right? therefore something CAN come out of reading this crap...right...?

tapi. aku terfikir. eh. apatah dah aku fikir.

aku rasa aku cukup ambil serius apa yang aku tulis. tapi hari ni. aku tidak mahu. ya. ya. it'd be nice for a change.

oh ya. aku mau papar kan satu extract ni. from one of my drafts:

Once in a while, we started to ask ourselves what happened to that thing we used to love, this thing we used to do, that achievement we used to achieve, that so-called-difficult-thing we used to be able to accomplish and be proud of it… what happened to all of that? And on that once and a while, we could not really find the answer of what happened to make us lose all that.
I call that losing myself.

aku mau elaborate panjang lagi dan buat nya entry pada hari ni. tapi topiknya terlalu bodoh untuk tema diri aku hari ini. tema: aku-takut-sebab-aku-tak-start-ngan-lesson-plans-aku-tapi-aku-nak-gak-procrastinate.

tapi bila fikir kembali. aku terasa seperti

*alarm berbunyi*

eh, apatah aku mau kata tadi. ah...it'd be too teenage stuff anyway. my friend said that i havent gone over the teenage phase of my life. i havent settle my teenage life crisis. she meant that im not mature.

*ternampak gula-gula jelly bersalut gulad di sebelah mouse*

i mean...*distracted*... i have to wait for Clyde for that. nevermind.
okay. begini. Bagi aku, apa saja yang aku buat: biar lah Clyde kata aku selalu ikut perasaan dan emosi daripada pemikiran rasional ku, aku rasa...sekurang-kurangnya aku ini ikhlas.

i mean. i am sincere. like this blog. aku tulis dari hati. dan aku buka tulisan ku kepada public seolah-olah seperti aku membuka hati aku untuk di baca umum. memang ini bahaya. kerana macam-macam lah. tapi, ikhlas aku lakukannya kerana aku ingin memaparkan satu lagi sudut pemikiran. satu dari pada berbillion lagi sudut pemikiran. dan mungkin, orang boleh belajar sesuatu. menganalsis sudut yang satu ini. biar pun----

lets say. ada orang yang membenci aku membaca blog ini. semakin dia membaca, semakin dia membenci. (just lets say okay. this is worst case scenario) tapi pada satu-satu tahap, dia makin membenci pada masa yang sama, dia berfikir. dan aku suka fakta itu.

aku suka fakta aku dapat buat/bantu/mulakan satu buah pemikiran dari satu otak/hati dari seorang manusia yang lain.

salah satu sebab supervisor aku tak suka appearance aku dalam kelas ialah: aku terlalu transparent. and i realize, this is my personality. i am most of the time, transparent. i show exactly how i feel. and i say what is inside my mind. and my supervisor said i wasnt professional.

firts thing first, aku bukan nak state aku benci supervisor aku atau aku tak puas hati dengan dia. cuma, aku rasa, guru ialah satu profession yang abstract. *i'm not sure if i'll regret saying this but what the heck: total randomness and i m not going to edit this entry* maksud aku dengan profession abstrat...susah untuk aku terangkan.

dan aku sudah hilang uja.

ada lebih kurang 10 minit lagi.

aku cuma berharap, sebagaimana pun aku seorang guru yang tidak mempunyai uniform, yang tidak mempunyai ketetapan wajib bagaimana dia mengajar kelasnya, bagaimana dia perlu ada perwatakan yang sama semua nya dengan guru-guru lain...*ini secara ringkas dengan apa maksud aku dengan profession abstrat* aku cuma berharap... aku dapat menginspirasikan satu pemikiran (atau banyak) dari anak-anak murid aku.

8 minit.

dan on a totally different note: aku suka bila aku dapat bantuan daripada orang lain untuk membuat aku memahami/mendalami pemikiran dari sudut lain. sudah lah aku ini orang keras kepala. dapat kau bayangkan betapa susah nya aku ingin melihat dair sudut lain *due to my keras-kepala-ness*?

tapi aku ada orang-orang lain seperti abang aku,, mak aku, guru-guru aku...lain-lain pemikirannya dan mereka mahu aku cuba memahami pemikiran mereka. terutamanya kawan-kawan aku.. kadang-kadang "memaksa"... paling utama dan paling kadang-kadang menyeksa: pemikiran dari Clyde. Tapi aku gembira. kerana...bila aku mampu melihat dari sudut-sudut mereka yang banyak-banyak itu (dan kadang-kadang lagi bercanggah sungguh)..aku rasa dunia ini lagi masuk akal.

dan indah.

2minit.

semoga aku dapat bagi inspirasi yakin sedikit pun cukup lah. untuk orang lain lebih ada ekspresi diri. tapi dalam masa yang sama sentiasa befikir untuk mencari. untuk menjadi lebih baik.

aduh. lame juga akhir nya.. Lame topic. Corny? Lame? apa-apa lah.

time's up.

Something beyond your childhood dreams that you taken for granted.

A few days ago, my big brother and I talked about being creative and innovative. I can’t really recall what made us jumped into that topic. But what I can share here is that: for a long time, I don’t feel like I am creative anymore. Or was I ever am anyway?

And it is also my long time wish to be a person who is innovative. Because I know I never was one and I am not one at the moment. The wish is for the future. But by the look of myself now and what I do with my life and my work and everything else related—I am after all, not an innovative person.

It was a bummer. But my brother assured me; I could be one if I try hard and put aside my self-doubt. As corny as it sound, hard work does (most of the time) pay off, insyaAllah. That was the main conclusion that the discussion came up to.

But about being creative and innovative, I think the first thing is imagination. From there, I could start being creative...and then I can be innovative...or maybe I am wrong. It might not be a process.

But for me, imagination is the ability to walk, run, dive, fly and every other action you can think of while you are being still. Standing still? Sitting still? I mean, yeah, you got the point right? It is the power of the mind. The power to run a thought about something (or some occasion or some incident) beyond its normal possible ‘route’.

This reminds me of this the conversation I had with one of my friends. She and me talked about how when we were kids we share the same interest. Perhaps, all kids do. We love to day dream. About Doremon being real. We used to think of what would we do, what would happen and how would everything else be if we were in possession of our favourite Doremon gadgets. For me one of it was the ‘terowong pengecil’. It's a long explanation on 'why'.

And I used to day dream about another thing—the existence of another dimension of the world. One that is really just a duplicate of the already existent world but no one is around except me. And I could go back and forth between these two worlds so that I could have everything that I want.

But that was over a decade ago. I know I can’t think like that anymore. But the way I see it, that was imagination. And now, I just have to have another kind of imagination. The one that can move me. The one that can inspire me.

I watched Big fish yesterday. For the first time. Can you believe that? Now that story is another kind of imagination.

Come to think about it, was the problem: the lack of imagination or am I just lazy?

************

On a totally different note:

The world exists with its content and the knowledge about the content. We were here to find it, learn about it, and get closer to anything that we are searching for using that knowledge. When we find something (knowledge of science, or an idea, or a concept or just basic principle of living) we talked about it over and over again.

This is never pointless. It is never pointless to discuss something no matter how commonsensical it is. Because by doing that the knowledge/idea/simple thoughts will be more understood, will be heard by others who don’t have it, will be passed on and will not be overlooked or taken for granted.

When would you give up and say "this is good enough for me", huh?

It’s really hard actually to write something you thought was important when you have something else bothering your mind. It’s hard to keep that something else which is really crowding in your mind from spilling on to your writings.

And I have to confess that I am more about relationships than other things. If I were to give in and write about that ‘something else’, I’d be writing almost everything about him and this so called relationship topic.

But then again…it doesn’t seem right at the moment.

So maybe, let’s make the most out of difficult situations like this. Let me straighten up my mind a bit by talking about that ‘something important’ that I intended to write in the first place. Well, at least let me try.

….

……

What was it again?
Never mind. I lost my train of thoughts.

But this is what come up suddenly in my mind:

I had a friend once. One was a silent one. I wish one is here right now. One would listen, I know. There’s something about one that made me comfortable. Something that made me not scared to open up everything about me and not feel judged.

Once, one brought me to a place to see the land from up top. And look down below to the ‘bintang darat’ like I never seen them before. But it’s too sad that I lost one. I lost many friends but losing one was something I’ll never forget.

And if one is here now, nothing would be the same as it is--and that'd mean everything is in it's wrong place. So, I shouldn't wish one is here. Right now, no.

I know that this is actually an empty entry. But in the contrary my mind is just over-crowded. It’s like being in the noisiest market you’ll ever be in but you could hear nothing because you are day dreaming. You are far away from there. Your soul isn’t actually there.

And I am not actually here.

Adventure!!!

I really thought I wanted to tell you the big adventure story. I already tried to write it. Save it as draft. Then I changed my mind. I am to0 lazy to appear not lazy. So here's a few pictures to help you illustrate in your head how AWESOME the adventure my family had on Monday and Tuesday.

A road trip!! YEAHHHH!! To set straight some business. Business on Raya.
I know, not the usual Raya celebration, right?! A family of weirdos. But who cares.


This was actually during our way home. We had to stop. The two most new members of our family had to 'go'. Well, they already did 'go' at this point, that's why we had to stop. Does that mean it should be "they already 'went'?"


My younger brother walking around trying to find some phone signal... It's really hard..There's noooo signal at alll....~


I have some confessions to make: One: this is my actual home... Will we get to be in one of the reality shows like Bersama Mu? Two: my actual name was Kayai which actually means The Awesome and Rich Beautiful Woman in my actual mother-tongue language. But my parents had to change it because as I grew up, the name didn't represent me at all.


The most front is my uncle. You see, you kind of can find his resemblance to my father. Short... and.. And em...well..that's about it. We follow our mom's gene though. The two at the back are my bothers. They are tall.


Mom said that (while this is her race's: Bugis traditional food) this is also one of my father's side of family traditional food. But theirs can be more bitter than sweet. I think most people already know this. It's Tapai.


This, on the other hand is only my mom's side traditional food: it's called Burasa'.



My work when I am at my actual home: I chase goats around the hills and laugh myself 'till I cry.


The view from the back of my mom's car. On our way to my actual home. The road got really bumpy when we reached deeper in the forest. When the road is not tarred anymore. I mean, really bumpy. How bumpy? The next morning I woke up--body, aching all over! You really don't want to be in that same situation, right?


The market in my village...We sell drugs too there. Really NOT cool.


Yes. we have billboards here. But there's no add there... Ignore the blue board.

You wana know more??
We do live on trees because there is too many violent animals on land... But some of us just are luckier that we can live on land. Like my family. And we hunt for animals with Sumpit. That's the only weapon we have. But damn it's deadly. Just on the day of arriving, my family sumpit-ted a Payau. The meat was really, really, tasty...Sometimes, we hunt for other living things other than animals...if you know what I mean...

I mean, Sabah is an awful, awful place... It's undeveloped and dangerous and ugly place. You dont want to be posted here now, do you...?


Okay..fine. I just told you some lies and some truth. "Can you guess which is which?" *with the enthusiasm of Barney. Not Stinson. But Barney the Purple Dino*

hatred kills.slowly.

1st Syawal.1st year.Welly.with support group


Raya celebration at Aizat's.2nd year.Welly.

Tahun ni...hurmm...
Hari kemenangan yang mungkin bukan untuk aku.
Aku tidak layak.

*******************

Today made me think with a little ease. Home has its own way to take away your blues. Especially with the kids around. But none the less, I was thinking hard. It is 1 Syawal. And I am not proud of where I turned out to be. Another Ramadhan has passed me, and I don’t think I made any improvement. In the contrary, I think I have become worse… What and how, let me keep it to myself. That is between me and God.

What have I done…*sigh*

Where am I standing… *sigh*

Sighing and asking things wouldn’t undo the things that I have done to deserve this humbling self-realization of where I have led my life to. I know. So I need a kick start.

I need to regain my self-respect. I need to regain my self-belief. But first, before I can do all that, I know, I need to get back to the basics. Looking back at my last year's entries...tsk… it’s like I have walked backwards.

Therefore, I think I need to make another public apology: I wanted to apologize for every wrongdoings that I have done to anyone and for every trouble that I have caused...

Selamat Hari Raya...

How far would I go if I am in a fight? As far as it takes to win/lose.

I wasted too much time these few weeks before practicum ends. Tsk. I bet most of us would start thinking “hey, the 12 weeks are already going to an end…time flies…I didn’t even notice it. It was too fast.” I thought about that too. But while I am saying “thank GOD!!!” for that, some of us will instead say: “I’ll miss practicum” or “I hate leaving my lovely kids...”

I am not saying that that sounds corny…well, yes…but I am also saying how I am jealous of you guys for being able to have that to say. Because all I know, all I am feeling is that I can’t wait to be out of that school and out of the practicum period. I don't even think I will miss the school or the experience of teaching there. Is there something wrong with me??

Well, I said I wasted too much time because I realized I have no enthusiasm left in me since the week I was observed thrice. I think it was week 8… yeah. I guess, my gas tank has already been long empty—no more fuel to burn me, to fire my engine, since 4 weeks ago. You may think to yourself, I give up too easily. Well then, YES! I confess.

I do give up that easily. But I did not stop doing my lesson plans or my teaching aids or my handouts and other materials... hey, in that sense; I actually haven’t given up the fight. But I just gave up on trying to satisfy other people or trying to figure out why the kids don’t want to learn or how exactly to ‘tackle’ the issues identified with these children. I lost every question that I thought of trying to solve in week 1 and every answer that I hoped to find.

So by saying all that nonsense let me start to further ‘tackle’ the 'issue' of

relationship sucks.

Come to think about it, yod actually had really just put a bad joke on me. This is because, now, what came across from his request for me to tell him that relationship sucks was:

you (as in hereby ‘me’) can show me how relationship sucks because you are in one. So by seeing you or talking to you (more of debating with you) will remind me of how sucky it is to be in a relationship.

Damn it. He made fun of me and I didn’t even see it.

But anyway. Yes. I won’t deny that being in a *romantic* relationship sucks sometimes. The same as being in anything for that matter. Let say a friendship. Being in a friendship also sucks sometimes because being friends also means setting up some expectations in our heads. Even unintentionally. Expectations that are not as demanding and as high and absurd as a romantic relationship can be—but there are still some expectations. And sometimes, that cause things to be a bit messy too.

My point here is, if you want to see the sucky point, you could see it anywhere. Because you search for it. Maybe the fact was actually, that friend of mine was too chicken-shit to get back into the game. So, he search for so many excuses to say that being in a *romantic* relationship sucks big time. Hekhek...Hekhek..Hek... No offense. But I mean it.

So I just want to add what I wrote for the comment reply. The way I see a *romantic* relationship is:

• opening up to someone does mean that you are opening a way to let that someone to have some sort of power to being able to hurt you. But to what/which extent (that power's effect) is totally still depends on you and not on that someone. As of my wise friends had said "don't give in too much that you give too much power of your life to another person." Make sure you are still the one who is 'the driver'.

• If that partner really is a good one, then opening up to him/her only makes u stronger instead of vulnerable. Because (a) two heads are always better than one as said by Clyde and (b) s/he will give you the biggest support s/he can. But the only way 2 know s/he is a good/suitable partner for you or not will be by opening up to him/her first.

• Deciding to be in a relationship is like: to give in or to give up. If one tries to give in, one can either lose or win. Like going to war. You can either die or survive. If one let go from the first place, he already lost a chance to either lose or win and could never know of his/her actual chances of winning or losing. Ever. But of course, if one survive through a war, the scars (physical or mind or emotion) will be there *the after-effects*. But ain’t the scars (or the incident that caused the scars) what taught one about life?

Okay. I am too high already.
Crappy. Crappy. These two days, I only slept for a total of 3+ hours.
I should stop.

Owh, owh. I almost forget. All of those, what I have said, were all my personal opinion only--based on what I have experienced and what I am experiencing, what I noticed from other people and what I hope to see in some. It was totally based on my own thinking and my stand.

a short message for yod

he said that he needed me to tell him that relationship sucks so that he can continue living a carefree life.

so I am going to say this to you: being in a relationship sometimes can help you to live a more carefree life, you know that? It always depends. Hm...If there is someone new entering your life, don't fight it, dude. And anyway, you're a big wise old man, you can figure out this already, that so called 'relationship' or 'love' is the same as other nonliving things/concepts. It'll have its pro's and con's so we cant merely say it plainly sucks. What determines the suckiness of a thing (and this is inclusive of 'relationships') is you and the people around you. People, man. People.

*This message will most probably be altered later. With more additions of opinionated argument.

Tiga hari yang 'Begitu INDAH'

There’s something about the way last week’s final three days went*I would not call them weekends*. Should I call them shitty days? Well~. Not really. I somehow feel that those three days were so meaningful in a very bittersweet way.

On Thursday night, something awful happened. Wait. It wasn’t Thursdays. It was Friday. The morning. Too early still to be called Friday. It was suppose to be our half-a-year anniversary. But some terrible truth was revealed and I spend the whole day dehydrating myself through my eyes. I know it’s not good. I was fasting. But well, my mind was blocked with sudden realization and a sudden flash of panic and paranoia. Thanx a bunch.

As a result, I got my so called morning bell *migraine* and could not go to school. My whole face was ‘swollen’. But it was a good thing after all—at least I saw some part of some truth. And I just knew that I haven’t really changed. Like some things and some people who don’t really change too. I need to work on some things about my rationality and maturity.

That night, I followed some friends to my Clyde’s friendly match for Saturday’s Futsal open tournament. It was great too. The next night—the tournament. Though Clyde’s team lost both games, I was enjoying myself in the sense that *just like everytime I followed him to futsal games* I could simply watch boys play futsal. No, not that kind of watching—seriously, boys playing futsal, it’s like…it’s art. I wish I can play like some good players, some good teams.

So, because of that plus being around my Clyde, both days were really great. Beeteedabelliuw, the feeling is not the same with watching football/soccer.

But wait! I haven’t told you the best part—meredah hujan on that Saturday! Cold, fast, adrenaline-pumping, lights all around beautified with bids of waters on helmet’s visor, vision blurred—perfect.

And during those days, I collected a few new ‘I like(s)’ to go into my list… I also learned some sort-of-new things about myself, about my relationships with others and about my work, my needs, my wants and my rage and my habits, where I came from and where it lead me. It was a long final-three-days of a week. An awesome ride, I must say. But I could not see it that way if it weren’t for my friends and my Clyde and Mom too. Though they were part of the reasons I was down for a bit in the first place.

One more thing, like I said before (wayyy before), one can be the smartest person in the whole wide world, but when it comes to that time: when you are really down, you can turn to be the most pathetic, irrational, angry, ungrateful and insane person.

So, what I have learned this time was: you *as in hereby 'I'* should identify some place you can go to and some people you can hold on to. Find the root of your problem instead of just saying "I really don’t know why!!!-...I feel this way" or "...this happened that way”. So when that time comes around again, hopefully, you could at least be a bit more rational and steady.

I also learned that I learn better during crisis—I learn better through the hard way. I mean, I learn things the hard way and that was my preference (?). Darn.

And I just wish I can always say what I wanted to say to the people I wanted to say those things to—just like other people that seemed to always have their way to freely say things and get away with it. No matter how ironic they seem. Lucky you.

Accompany me walking my way back to your warmth

to be frank, this entry is just for the sake of the last 10 minutes I have before I'm off to school. And you said that you'll visit, so I wanted to show you this *the following picture*... the drawing you thought I drew some kind of ghost...heheheh

pakcik's slow progress... It's really, really a slow progress... but I'm moving. Taking my own sweet time. Hoping that my sanity would not entirely vanish for the time being. *those kids....*



wish me all the best.

your satisfaction on everyone else's expenses

sometimes we cant have enough of the world. we just want more and more. one day, the world promises, the more we wanted from it, the more we crave and chase and wish and begged for it to give us more 'things', the more we'll lose.

just be grateful of the things we have. not what we had or what we think we will have/could have had/can have once more.

yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

Sindrom si Peter Pan

I was very fortunate that the people whose school in the area of Selangor got a day off today because my morning was not so quiet for once—I have Zila to accompany me. But well, I was not too fortunate because MY school was not closed today like theirs.

I was talking about my kids while finishing up with my teaching aids and materials. Then I babbled once more about my thoughts of why kids nowadays are too ‘advance’ in their ‘thinking’. They cannot wait to talk about intimate relationships, they cannot wait to talk about young adult stuffs and they sure cannot wait to say that they are not little kids anymore.

Why is this so when the people that I used to know (the older generations) even had Peter Pan syndrome? We used to wish that we were kids once more and these kids cannot wait to say that “I am too old for those stuffs”. I mean, I know you don’t wear diapers anymore but please can you wait for another few more years to talk about sex?

Come on, people even used to resort to flying on to another land for the sake of not growing up and growing old.

Kids in the old days used to have this great big imagination where they can escape to. And adulthood is something that they fear next to the adults themselves. But maybe that’s only how things go in my mind. Maybe it wasn’t that case after all. But for all I know, as for this moment, I do hope I was a kid once more.

If I could go back in time, I’d say to myself: go read plenty of children’s books and listen to scary stories from your brother and imagine it actually happening. Dig in into the comics like usual kids do and create yours once more, more than one comic!! Go to parks and play with other normal kids. Not just your siblings!

Play house. Play swords made from woods or cardboard. When mom told you about si Tanggang and that it really happened in her hometown, believe her and imagine how it was when it happened. When you read words in books or heard from your teachers’ mouth, open up your mind—big enough for a screen to fit in and transform those words into images.

Imagine you’re flying when you stand in front of a fan. Imagine that you are in a spaceship when you are jumping up and down your mom’s bed (in slow motion). Imagine that you are Dorothy when you wore those red shoes again.

(translation: i love you)

When I was a kid, I had this habit of watching people’s back…

Okay, if Acap reads this, he’d laugh his head off just because he thought I have come out of the closet as a pervert to the whole world.

…but let me finish. I had this habit of watching people’s back when they are leaving me or leaving home—I mean, I like to see people go... Hmmm…this may still be confusing. How do I explain this…

For example, I used to see my mom go on mornings (to the market). I’d salam ciom tangan dia before I let her leave. I’d make sure that I said my byebye and she said her byebye back or I won’t feel good after that. I’d also make sure I saw her car go until it turned around that corner and I couldn’t see it anymore. I’d keep on waving my hand while at that. Sometimes, if I was lucky, she’d sound her car horn once before it turned around that corner. BIP!

If I can’t do that—let’s say, I woke up late and realized that mom had already left—I’d be sooo sad. So sad that sometimes I could cry.

And another example is with my brother. My older brother. He’s a bit cold, you know. The cold-bro type. So, when I was younger—when we were all younger, and he used to go to places walking and taking the bus instead of driving, I’d walk him out the door, then to the gate. And as he gone out of that gate I’d say my byebye with this really high pitch and enthusiastic tone.

But him being that cold-bro, he’d only say bye as if he was pronouncing a one-syllable word he spelled for his English teacher when he was in kindergarten. Like : ‘car’ *with nerdy face and body-posture*. That, if he wasn’t saying it with an annoyed tone, anyway.

If he didn’t say his bye to me, I’d keep on saying my byebye while seeing him walking away, watching his back, waiting and hoping that he’d turn around to wave…or maybe not. And I’d keep on saying it until he took that corner or went down the bridge at the end of the block. I’d scream if I had to. BYE BYE BYE BYE. Annoying little sister. He know that I’d stop if he said his bye.

After so many years, I still have this habit. Now, even though I am the afternoon session teacher (trainee), I usually wake up early in the morning. To see him go. To say my byebye and make sure he ‘said’ his before he went off to school. To see him on his cck until my view was blocked by the trees and the buildings in front of me.

If I missed my chance to do that—and I wake up to see that the sun was shining soo bright that I was pretty sure it wasn’t 6:50a.m. anymore—I’d be disappointed.

You see, we sometimes developed really weird habit when we grow up. And it became weirder when those weird habits don’t go away after so many years.

But I think… I don’t want it to go away.

...that kind of heartache

I am currently at school. It’s Thursday but I have not had the time to babble my Thursday until now. Okay. It was not about the time constraint. It was more of the mood swings I had these several days. I think I need a shrink.

I visited Farah Mex’s blog that day and she had this song by Sigur Ros called Hoppipolla. It was a great song. It somehow meant something to me.



I think I mentioned somewhere in my previous entries that one of Sigur Ros’ album was related closely to one part of my life. It was during the time when I learned another definition of heart ache. The one that makes you think your heart was literally bursting and created a black hole that sucked your entire insides until it forced you to curl up your body. You wished that you can vanish into thin air. That kind of heartache.

It was also the part of my life when I was working hard as a cleaner. Some days, when I finished cleaning the final office building, I’d sat there quietly next to the garbage bags I already gathered to be thrown away on my way out of the building. The songs sometimes made me lost in my own thoughts; sometimes they made me lost focus and think of nothing, sometimes they made me calm. But basically the album was great. During those times, I had that album played on repeat.

I wonder why I stopped listening to it. And yes, perhaps it was due to the relation it had to the memory related to the heartache. But after the visit to Farah Mex’s blog, I tried to listen to the album again. And of course, it felt weird. There was a part of me that felt lost for awhile. Another part felt that pain again.

But, it was, after all, over and I was way done with it. It was a lovely and also painful memory. I keep it just because I couldn’t erase it. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Because if it wasn’t for that period of time, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I smile on the thought of this. Because I know I need to be this person before I could be ready for the one person whom I am with at the moment.

Because if I hadn’t gone through all the things I had gone through, and experience different kind of heart aches—especially ‘that’ kind of heartache, I doubt that I can recognize what’s love when I saw it.

I wouldn’t let this one go.

Aku bosan buat kerja. Short-attention span. Aku buat kerja bodoh ni lagi: 'belek-belek' gambar masa kat Welly dulu. Dunia tuh hampir tertutup sudah. Macam sebenarnya aku tidak pernah lalui pun dua tahun tu. Tapi rindunya; masih hebat bila datang.

Aku rumuskan sesetengah perkara yang aku rindukan dalam gambar ni:



Graduating in Welly will not be possible, I think. But that's okay. Some day, I'll make sure I'll come back, bringing along the people I love just to see the land I have once fallen in love with.

Dan mungkin impian asalku untuk berpindah dan bermastautin di situ masih tidak masuk akal. Mana mungkin aku boleh tinggal di sana apabila semua mimpi-mimpi dan cita-citaku berakar di sini.