Deciding to hurt and to be hurt

c3 by ~sirmadamwaffles on deviantART

Bayangkan hidup di kawasan yang tiada elektrik; pasti aku terpaksa menunggu matahari timbul sejengkal baru aku boleh mula melukis dan membuat kerja lain waktu2 begini..

I told Atik that day; that things were so much easier back then. Though I was into so much problems and troubles but I was pretty much sure of most of things. Like, I know which people I dont want to mess with, which people I want to hate, which people I want to love and which I want to be friends-with-benefit(s) with...And most of the time, I know what I wanted, I had the idea of what I wanted to be, and I (most probably) know where I wanted to go..

But that was secondary school. Nowadays, things are getting messier, nothing seems to make sense. I often feel lost, vulnerable, and no matter how I try to avoid troubles and problems they came at me like hungry monsters and that (as it seemed to me) no one else was there to be eaten by them (sedangkan semua orang pun "kena kejar and kena makan monsters")... I sometimes dont even know what and why I am doing things..

Am I just getting stupider?? Asked the bimbo me. And Atik replied, of course not (though you are a bit, waz) we're just getting older...Teenagers, though often lost in their teen-angst and darah muda yang membuak2, they have simple minds (no matter how complicated we though we were back then) that quickly judges and simply decides on things.

Now, we're older; more things are to be taken into considerations when we judge and when we decide and when we want to take actions. Things are more complicated now just because we keep more things to ourselves instead of raging things out as before; we take care of others' feelings more than the feelings we feel; and we try hard to understand things and other people rather than just demanding people to understand you like before...

So, when I decide this and that; it's for everybody's best; even if it means I 'suffer'...keep my mouth shut; and go on living like there's still tomorrow even though it might not be a tomorrow...

I just hope I'll be wiser as I get older.

oh matahari sudah di paras bahu, aku pergi dulu.

OOhhhhh Natalieeeeeee

Natalie: When I was 16 I thought by 23, I’d be married. Maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.

Alex: Yeah, life can underwhelm you that way.

Natalie: I mean, where did you think you’d be by…ummm
*Awkward moment*

Alex: Yeaaah..it doesn’t work that way.
Ryan:At certain point, you stop with the deadlines.
Alex: It can be a little counterproductive.

Natalie: I don’t want to say anything that’s anti-feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.

Alex: It was our pleasure.
Ryan: Well done.

Natalie: But sometimes it feels like no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy.

Alex: You really thought this guy was the one?

Natalie: I could have made it work. He..umm..he really fit the bill. You know.

Ryan: The bill?

Natalie: White-collar, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, 6 foot 1, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy, you know, on the weekends. I always imagined he’d have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a four-runner. And the only thing he loves more than me is his golden Lab. And a nice smile. *long pondering moments, which is also awkward* What about you?

Alex: Let me think... You know, honestly, by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. I mean, like, you secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you. Um and not an asshole, would be nice. Just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. Because you don’t think about that when you’re younger. I don’t know. Someone who wants kids. Likes kids. Wants kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Um, please, let him earn more money than I do. You might not understand that now, but believe me, you will one day. Otherwise, that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopedully some hair on his head. But I mean, even that’s not a deal breaker these days. A nice smile…yeah.. a nice smile. Nice smile just might do it.

Natalie: *pondering look* woww..that was depressing.

Alex & Ryan: *Shock look*

Natalie: I should just date women.

Alex: Tried it. We were no picnic ourselves.

Natalie: I don’t mind being married to my career, and I don’t expect it to hold me in bed as I fall asleep. I just don’t want to settle.

Alex: You’re young. Right now you see settling as some sort of a failure.

Natalie: It is. By definition.

Alex: Yeah. But by the time someone is right for you, it won’t feel like settling. And the only person left to judge you would be the 23-year-old girl with a target on your back.

********************************************************************

Dialog borrowed from the movie "Up In The Air" (watched it thrice)..Just to help me show some points. One of which is:

I had a 'bill' once. I mean, I (as like most girls who think about who's she gonna marry *one day*) listed down some characteristics and things that I wanted in my dream man. Though I never actually check and tick or untick the list whilst opening up my arms for who cupid brought in...nonetheless, I think having the hypothetical 'bill' made me someone who searches for 'the one'..which made it all more difficult to really love some one...

weekend and blog-cleaning

Ini lah kerja aku hujung minggu yang baru lepas. Aku pergi Kota Kinabalu untuk 'menjenguk' event Hobbycon. Last event aku pergi pun masa tahun 2003..itu pun event yang anjuran Gempak yang masa tu masih muda2 lagi. Sungguh, aku tidak punya banyak idea tentang event sebegini. kerana sesungguhnya aku pemalu orangnya. aku tidak tipu.

I can't really mix into the crowd to be honest. Oleh itu aku kurang gemar majlis/event keramaian... :| lame..

1. apparently dress aku yang aku paling suka pakai masa jalan jaoh2

2. tudung yang aku suka pakai masa jalan jaoh2 jugak...asyik ni ja attire aku? uhhkk

3. selipar paling huduh kamurang pernah tengok. kuning dan sudah 'berkesan2'...sebelum membalas dendam dan membeli 2 pasang selipar Heatwave. Tapi aku rasa aku tetap akan prefer pakai selipar tu sbb ia sangat selesa

4. bag yang best sbb boleh masuk semua gadget sketch aku ketika travelling ;> termasuk marker pen yang aku guna untuk menconteng ituu

5. aku curi2 melukis di atas canvas itu walaupun aku rasa tidak di benarkan

benda kecil ja yang aku lukis

me with steph rakan lukis :> as you can see, lepas aku p conteng tu dah letak sign "DONT DRAW" ahahahah

with Arthur Stephen pelukis Gintaro. aku terlalu pemalu sehingga terbuat facepalm (dedicated to self) sebab menggeletar bila jumpa sifu hahaha

penaja trip tersebut. Bos besar:D

Though he said he has no idea whatsoever about art and my passion, he still stands there beside me; and just be him while supporting me to be me.

us three

Aku selongkar balik post-post lama aku dalam blog ni. Banyak yang sudah tidak relevant... Jujur aku bilang, pendapat aku tentang hidup dan dunia mungkin tidak banyak berubah semenjak 2 tahun lepas, tapi aku rasa, pendapat aku tentang 'cinta' (urghh) banyak berubah. dan perubahan itu banyak membantu aku beranjak dewasa.

aku masih perlu banyak belajar untuk jadi matang dalam bertindak dan membuat keputusan. berupaya berfikir logik dan waras tidak bermaksud kita boleh jadi matang.

Jadi aku fikir, yang tidak relevant itu, aku teringin sangat buang; delete. tapi ada sesetengah post yang reflect identiti aku; kalau bukan identiti terkini pun, mungkin identiti masa lampau. mungkin post2 sebegitu aku mau simpan. bukan sebab aku masih pengen ingat dan kangen masa lampau itu, tapi sebab aku perlu simpan peringatan dalam arkib personal ini. supaya tidak mengulangi sesetengah tindakan aku yang kurang cerdik.

pembaziran masa & asa atau mengasah belakang parang

Mak aku selalu senyum/gelak/geleng2 kepala bila tgk aku habiskan masa dgn kerja2 melukis, menjahit, mewarna aku. No, no. Don’t get me wrong. Mak aku penyayang dan memahami orangnya. Cuma ya la, kadang2 mestilah dia terfikir, apa lah hasilnya aku habiskan masa dengan benda2 ni.

Kalau aku kata semua ini sekadar hobi dan satu terapi untuk kekalkan kewarasan aku, iya itu cliché yang aku (dan ramai lagi penghabis-masa-dengan-melukis-sekadar-suka2-saja) selalu bagitau pada org2 yang bertanya. Termasuk mak aku.

Tapi sejujurnya, biarlah aku mengaku disini. Aku mengharapkan banyak dari aktiviti-aktiviti aku ini. Bukan sekadar habiskan masa saja. Bukan hasil yang aku simpan dalam portfolio peribadi saja. Bukan setakan yang orang boleh tekan LIKE di fesbuk saja.

Aku sedar aku sekarang macam orang buta teraba-raba. Aku masih belum ada hala tuju yang sebenarnya. Belum ada fokus yang jitu. Usaha ku beselerak. Kadang, aku macam mau marah saja dengan style dan kemahuan yang berhambur-hambur.

Sekejap lukis komik, sekejap lukis ilustrasi bertema, sekejap lukis (cuba) comel2, sekejap lukis horror, sekejap mau menjahit (eh tiba2), sekejap mau tampal2,aaaahhh macam-macam.
Aku ada banyak cita-cita dan aku ada banyak impian. Dan mungkin kepayahan aku untuk fokus kan cita dan impian aku adalah sebab aku belum jumpa identiti seni ku sendiri dan kemahuan aku yang sebenar.

Tapi ini bukan satu masalah yang boleh aku selesaikan macam petik jari. Bukan juga macam soalan add-math masa sekolah menengah. Ini satu perjalanan yang jauh lagi. Dan aku cakap macam itu bukan sebab aku mau procrastinate. Bukan…tapi aku sudah sedar bahwa selama ini aku terlalu gopoh. Mau itu mau ini mau jadi sekian sekian.

Jadi aku rasa aku mau cari platform sambil2 aku cari identiti seni garishalus aku. Mudah2an dalam pada aku mencari itu, aku bole jumpa satu fokus yang jitu (atau mungkin more than one focus? Heheh) yang pentingnya satu impian yang boleh aku rialisasi kan.

Jadi aku mau gembar-gemburkan saja dulu siapa itu waz dan mungkin mengikuti seberapa byk aktiviti seni yang aku mampu. kepada pembaca yang brapa kerat ni, kalau ada aktiviti seni yang korang mau rekemen, plis ba kasitau ya heheh especially para pe-conteng spt aku, sbb aku yakin sharing antara kita amat penting :)

..Sambil asah belakang parang (sbb aku ni macam belakang parang—start dari zero dalam seni), mudah2an tajam jugak nanti.

I wana have fun

I often have the urge to go out somewhere and be in long trips. *refer to previous post on how much I love long trips* I wonder what causes this feeling constantly. Am I running from something here? Or am I trying to run towards something?

Well, I'm training not to think too much into things. So let's just assume that is I have those feelings because I always want to seek for excitement and fun things to do outside. Adventurous? I dont know. maybe? But then, why am I still stuck here in 'my' bedroom and typing this entry when I can go out and have 'fun'.

I contradict myself. Yet again. I love adventures but I cant get myself out of my house. whattaaaa...and say in situations such as I was hanging out with a bunch of friends; suddenly, I feel that I want to be out of here (there) and I'd say...hey guys..I have this huge ass migraine so I think I wana call it a night...and I went up to my room. Instead of sleeping I'd do dumb stuffs like drawing shitty art, writing pointless letters, crying or throw a tantrum in my room...

or maybe the usual case; my friends from work would say hey we're going somewhere to eat something, wana come? and I'd say nah...I'm gona go straight home...after a few times like that, they had stopped asking me...

thank God I wasnt the Blitz (refer to HIMYM) so there was few amazing things that could happen to my bunch of friends/crowd that I left. None of what I was told....or was there?.....Oh myyy what if I was the Blitz and was never aware of it??

HAVE I BEEN MISSING ALL THE FUN THESE YEARS?

ooohhhnnneeeuuuuuoooooooooooooo

[gasp]

[hold breath]

*I still love you guys nonetheless, barney*

Ah. Enough of the fake freak out. I am having fun my way and so whatever.

[in denial]

I'm planning to climb Kinabalu again. But mommy's against it. She gave reasons like 'what's the point? youve been there twice' 'the money can be used to pay ur bills/renovate your house/wed someone' and ultimately she'll gave a smirk and say 'suka hati kau la'...which is the point when I usually give up arguments with her.

no more long trips back home

i miss airports. but wait yeah, recently ive been to airports picking and sending friends off their planes. so missing airports is not logical. whoa.

but i mis actually boarding a plane. or maybe simply travel on the road for 3-6 hours, more or less. i miss that looking-out-the-window pose i could imagine a movie made out of it.

i remember crying when i got the news about my posting. (WHAT I GOT POSTED TO A SCHOOL 10 MINUTES FROM HOME??WHAT?? I DONT EVEN HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANY MAJOR ROAD TO DO THAT??WHATT) goes monologue while crying as if my cat died...(no i dont have any cats at the moment-face slap)

little that i know, the posting had meant a few more than i thought it would back then (coz i cried without even knowing why i had to cry)--it also meant: a terrible and messed up break up, and me being psycho-ed about the no-more-long-trips *back home*...i dont really mind the /back home/ part coz i still love the long trips back to the hostel/college/school (this is unusual for some of us who hate staying at hostels); as long as it long trips..i love long trips...i thot back then when i received the news, i'd just miss it. but now i am going crazy about not having it.

life without long trips sucks. big time. like this big. no THIS big. it sucks. really. maybe u, the little person (n the only one) who's reading this will say "apa susah, pigi ja la jalan, no body's holding u back". o yeah every thing's holding me back alright.

when i was in school, college, uni, long trips WERE NECESSARY. no matter how awfully terribly expensive the tickets were (or how cheap it was too) it's obligatory that i bought it. so no guilt there. but nowww?? it's one of those unnecessary purchases.

PLUS, back then, i wasnt having holes in my pockets. now, every time i put money in, it'll automatically go out. u know what i mean? you get u pay, n u have to use it directly to pay the bills n shit...damn.

"ok stop it, u whining bitch" says back of the head voice. fine... i know i shouldn't whine about my job my pay and my current life. its lovely. my life's lovely.

but i just miss the long trips ok....i miss necessary and unquestionable free-of-guilt long trips.

Merepek

Kalau dulu, orang-orang merepek dalam email. Memang banyak email-email forward yang merepek masuk dalam inbox; yang tidak syiuknya ramai yang forward lagi email itu tanpa usul periksa fasal content-nya... that's so yesterday bak kata orang-orang yang merepek di kala ini sebab kereta mayat sudah banyak cakap pasal email forward merepek yang dia perlekehkan... bagus lah tu. hindari perkara merepek.

Tapi susulan itu, untuk menjadi so-this-year and so-the-latest, orang-orang buat pulak benda merepek yang hampir sama cuma beza 'verb' saja iaitu 'share'. Dan iya semestinya dari FB (face-palm-book).. aku rasa, tabiat share ni bagus ba. berkongsi ilmu. membudayakan ilmu. tapi kadang-kadang, aku terbuat jugak face-palm bila aku membaca note-note yang mereka share ini.

tapi iya lah. aku mesti ingat jugak. setiap perkara ada baik buruk, ada betul salahnya ikut situasi dan ikut perspektif. jadi bila aku mau komen note-note tersebut, aku fikir jugak; takut nanti aku buat essay...macam ada peng-komen2 yang bagus dan bernas komen-nya.

tapi kalau komen essay kureng ? macam yang aku buat sekarang. post ini juga essay merepek yang tidak punya kepentingan. cuma ingin mengingatkan, kalau mau tekan butang share, ingat-ingat lah tentang tiga perkara (paling sikit pun)

1) content (isi). baik? buruk? benar? sahih? salah? kenapa? mengapa? dari mana source nya? disokong oleh fakta apa? sekukuh mana kah sokongan nya?

2) audience n the impact it will have on the audience (pembaca/penonton dan impak note/video tersebut kepada mereka). yang membaca nya ini akan faham kah? atau kah kalau aku share lagi lah tak faham orang-orang yang membaca nya dan menambahkan salah faham dan misconception

3) relevance. dan niat

*okay mungkin ini bukan in the appropriate order.mungkin jugak tidak cukup*

MORE FACEPALMS for all of us HERE

bila fikir balik, ok jugak la ada benda2 begitu. bolehlah observe tabiat orang. fahami macamana sesetengah orang berfikir. dengan butang share tu, lebih visible lah tindakan-tindakan orang.jadi kalau orang share benda-benda buruk dan tidak baik, kita boleh nampak secara live in the net. terbuka untuk kita menilai dan ambil tindakan.

daripada dahulu kala yang perkara-perkara buruk tersebar seperti wabak yang tidak kelihatan di udara. urgh. tapi hairan ya. berbanding dulu dan sekarang, sekarang lagi macam senang mau sebarkan perkara merepek. *ceh cakap macam aku suda hidup lama*

hmm..apa pun, selamat berkongsi ilmu wahai fb-ooker. hehe

Selamat hari Raya AidilAdha

december is not a holiday-month for teachers. no.

it must have been the sweet memories hunting me down (for weeks now) and finally getting on me...; because I have trouble sleeping these few days. Yearning is terrible when we can do nothing to do about it.

I hate to say that I miss Wellington. It'd sound douche and make me such an arse. because i judge people who say they miss a place where they had lived there for only short of two years; and i'd say they are just people who cant go on with their lives without boasting that they'd been there and they'd done that.

but yeah, maybe i'm that 'people' too. so i'm admitting it. i miss wellington. i miss kuala lumpur. i miss all the things that i thought i could've done better. i miss all the moments that i thought i could re-do differently.

maybe it's the hour. or maybe its the holidays. or perhaps its because of the end of the year. it makes you look back; just a little glance,

what a sad glance.

blog bukan rumah kau

aku semakin kurang update blog and blog hopping sekarang. nafsu menulis n membaca aku makin kurang. mungkin sebab nafsu aku byk aku alirkan pada lukisan dan menatap lukisan org.

tapi, setakat blog hopping yang aku buat; I came into a conclusion:

matlamat mencipta blog paling penting untuk membantu diri kita berbanding diri orang lain dan benda laen...

kalau kita asyik fkir pasal "ada ka orang baca, ada ka orang mau follow, klu ada orang mau baca akan dihentam ka aku, klu ada yang baca lagi bagus sebab aku nak porakperandakan orang, lagi ramai baca, lagi femes aku--aku gila femes"; kalau kita ada sedikir atau semua niat dan fikiran ini kita akan membunuh blog kita sendiri...

ada org yg buat blog utk membangga-banggakan apa yg dia ada (keadaan, harta, pengetahuan, kekayaan, kecantikan, kebagusan diri) akan mendapat ketenangan hati sebab dia rasa ramai akan baca dan memujanya dek perkara yang dia bangga-banggakan...

ada orang yg buat blog utk berkongsi ilmu supaya dia dapat mengerjakan kewajibannya utk menyebarkan ilmu dan supaya orang laen dpt manfaat.

ada org yg buat blog utk bisnes, supaya income bole masuk

ada org yg buat blog utk ekspresi diri (yg mana diri nya yg jika di ekspresikan di dunia sebenar bakal di maki dan di kutuk2, atau dirinya yg sbnrya tidak berani mau rebel di dunia sebenar) sebenarnya menggunakan blog sebagai medium utk melepaskan geram. seperti berak lepastu sorok bontot.

ada org buat blog utk bantu dia cari diri.

ada org buat blog utk ngelak diri dari bunuh diri.

ada orang buat blog utk semua di atas.

dan mungkin aku pun salah satu atau semua di atas. yg pentingnya, berani buat blog, berani tanggungjawab apa yang ada di dalamnya. kita ekspresi diri (dalam bentuk penulisan blog) memang seperti menunjuk diri utk di hakimi. mana ada manusia yang boleh mengelak dari dihakimi.

jadi bila sudah dihakimi (dikomen), bahkan dari pakcik makcik anon yg menjengkelkan pun, terima saja la. best jugak kan daripada blog aku yg sunyi sepi tadak komen, kan?

hehehe

aku sedar blog ini semakin bersawang. sebab aku rasa aku sudah kurang memerlukan penulisan untuk membantu diri aku sndiri.

mungkin sebab aku sudah ada aliran untuk meleterkan falsampah aku kepada budak2 pelajar aku dan kakak yang selalu tompang kereta aku ulang-alik sekolah..kesian mereka menjadi sasaran aku.

mungkin juga sebab aku sudah kurang gila mencari jawapan hidup. mungkin sebab aku sudah jumpa jawapan hidup cuma kadang2 masih boleh sesat meraba-raba dalam gelap.

apa-apa pun, sebenarnya aku dapat perasaan mau update blog pasal benda ni selepas 'terpaksa' mengomen 1 blog kerana dia mengutuk org macam budak2 marah lolipop dia kena curi. kesian.

moral of d story-mory. blog tu bukan cam rumah, blog tu macam kau bukak booth. orang awam keluar masuk booth kau, jadi kalau ada org masuk booth kau n lempang kau, terima saja lah.

yey.

tooo big of plans; tooo much worrieesss

What would you do if you have too many and too big of plans..?

resize and minimize? prioritize?

then what? where'd you start?

to be honest; (i've confessed this once or twice in this blog a couple of years ago) I AM CHICKEN SHIT. scared to do anything on my own. Well, i do crazy stuffs alone; but i am still scared while doing them.

i hope this fear will go away n make way for me to realize some of my dreams. I wish that God will grant me 'ilham' and make my road less difficult to travel towards realizing my dreams but in the same time still reminds me of Him.. huhu

What would you do if your love is dying in front of your face? What would you do....? I have no idea.....do I talk? do I cry? do I doodle over my feelings waiting for its last breath? or do I plant a new seed? i have no idea..

no idea at all.

But today, I learned one thing (a cliche, but i guess, only now that i understand it for real..) which is: JUST DO IT

when u worry too much, asks questions too much; u can be counter-productive. tht sucks. so just do it, JUST DO IT. JUST DO IT. well, just-enough-thinking is required though..

but do it; am gona doodle that phrase somewhere.

I envy kids.

budak2 (definisi budak2, max age: bila parents budak2 tu stop manjakan mereka) bila ada nda puas hati ja boleh meraung sepuas hati. nangis tunjuk perasaan. muncung 3 inci keluar. aku fikir; best nya diorang...i envy kids..

orang dewas? huh. dewasa; expectations orang, ko mst matang, ko mesti tau apa yang ko buat, ko mesti sentiasa waras dan stabil dan cerdik; barula orang pandang ko bagus, acknowledge ko, nda kutuk, nda caci maki ko.

darn. nda adil ba.

come on, man. It's not like I've peterpan-syndrome (maybe?). But heck, I wana cry when I want to. I wana laugh; giggle, be chirpy and wacko skit2 and not be weirdly stared at. the thing is; kids have it all. They have the freedom I wish I have (once more).

They poop anywhere and anytime they liked and still be adorable. They cry, they hit you, they scream at you when they want to buy something but you refused, and still; they'd be loved unconditionally... and the abundant love they get from everyone (no one hates 'em); wont stop until they're around *thinking hard* okay maybe around primary schools 'cause that's when they'd start having sick revengeful enemies.

hah. kids.

Coming back to my most important point; they cry without the slight effort to cover it up, they'll cry when they're upset.it's simple.

besh bahhh...kita orang tua2, mst malu/segan/benci utk menangis. sbb menangis tu tunjuk kelemahan. menangis tu menunjukkan ada sesuatu yg tidak kena. hessskkkmmmm sometimes, we cry and dont even get the comfort we search for. sometimes we get even further blames. gurhhh but kids? most will get hugs and will get more pampered. eee jeles nih :(

n people will just view them adorable. just adorable.

situation: kid cries.

reaction: "allooooo chhiaannnyee diaaaa..napa nangishhh nieeee? jgn la nangisshh :( *turns around to parent(s) n adds* comelnyaaa anak akak/abang..napa dia, kak/bang? mau saya belikan gula2 untuk dia?"....

situation: adult cries

reaction: "knp la ba kau ni lagi...apa masalah mu?cuba ko cerita sama aku...*listens (only) a quarter of the story and quickly concludes* alaaaa biasa la ba tu hidup/dunia...knp jugak ko buat *adds adult's own faults*...patutnya ko buat *adds own elaborations n examples which dully only related to him/her own self*

compare the two situations. now; dont you envy kids too?

slamat hari isnin, pok(s).

thought disorder

I just got home from--well, somewhere, and I sat here in my 'office' to continue on my latest piece since 930pm. almost an HOUR past and the piece is still lying there at the corner of my table with the pencil case neatly 'sitting' on it like a quit dog.

I always get distracted. Hey, in this world full of everything, who arent distracted? If everyone isnt distracted by what they are suppose to do, everyone'd be --------

im distracted again. my point is, yes, i always am distracted by the little things while i should be doing some other things. A few weeks ago I came up to this read while browsing what might have caused all the heavy and endless migraines I have been having since 13 years old (which is getting more serious these few months). SO i came up with this conclusion that people like me and my big boss are seriously having this disorder.

OKay. I am also a mild drama queen so maybe this is just similar to the phase when i totally believed that i suffer from mild depression and ....

...

so, waz....When you have tooooo much in your head that you wanted to let it all out; write it down. doodle it. scratch it on woods for GOD's sake and find what is it that you really wana talk about. WHAT MATTERS THE MOST in your point? then, get it rearrange, rewrite it, and then talk about it.

i guess, most of the people with serious thought disorder dont have much time to do all that rearranging process. We have too much things in our head that the process will take tooo longgggg that we just give it up in the middle; and considered it another pointless pursuit...

and so; at the end of the day, it's either we'll be this quit person that goes hyper with all those things in her/his head or be the other person who will talk endlessly; beating around the bush until the train of thoughts finally has a ending.

ENVY

I think I need to be more observant; and in the same time be more expressive too. coz People said that good artists are good observers; and People also said that being expressive of who we really are is going to make us different than others.

So I come up with a nice little equation: GOOD OBSERVER + MORE EXPRESSIVE OF SELF = good 'artist'..

BUt then again, it's not as easy. Always the case.
I just want it to happen.
Overnight?
OKAY.
It's a process.
Just be something; waz.. rather than keep on being envious of others life and talent.

Meanwhile

Weirdly funny: HERE. I have to admit; it's true. Well, at least in my case. Everywhere I turn, everyone I See, every life I know, I feel envy. It's ***i lack vocabulary***. Maybe that is why I choose not to buy magz, or watch too much tiviii, or listen to too much stories,...

This envy thing's making me narrow-minded. I've been narrow minded since the day I taught myself to be too envious. Blergh. Sunday morning blues. Horrible weekend, by the way. I can't figure out what I wanted; let alone figuring out what other people want of me. Tough problem. Tougher than maths, I'll say.

SOmetimes I feel I'm JACK. Being a jack of all trades sucks big time. 'coz you'll b a master of NONE; and that sucks--being a jack.

Sometimes I just got so ooo inspired that I go bodo and blank.

Remembering our Similarities & Arguing about our Differences

I hate to use this as my first topic for my first entry after the long hiatus. But hating HATE is the reason why I should do it anyway.

Hatred

Hate is one essential part of our feeling as human beings. We can’t get rid of that feeling. When we hate something we tend to get the feeling that we need to express it and show it and tell it to that someone or something how much we hate it… There’re many sources of hate. Much of it caused when we concentrate too much on differences. Sometimes, we argue too much based on our differences. For example, in Malaysia;

1. We argue on how our slangs are different based on states. Why can’t we remember that we are talking the same language
2. We argue that we are born in different states and thus are called ‘sabahans’, ‘orang sarawakians’, ‘orang Johorians’ up until the point that we fight childishly when we are actually living under one roof of MALAYSIA
3. We argue based on our differences of beliefs ..cultural, political and religious differences…when actually, all of our basic instincts as human wants to search of Good things and hindrance of the Bad things…

Arguments n Arguing

On the other hand, arguments and arguing are very essential. I hate if my students don’t argue, or at least have an argument for some statements/issues/topics for any lesson…Arguments show that we are thinking. We are challenging something. We are improving.

But when it causes hatred and brings out the worst in us; it’ll be counterproductive. It will show that we are silly, absurd, not thinking—It’s like throwing spits around aimlessly; firing without aiming—and you’ll end up killing someone, if you know what I mean. As much as we love arguing and "trying to bring out the truth", can't we argue ‘nicely’ and be a bit civilized? Hurmm L

Haters and Their Arguments on the Internet

or anywhere else for that matter

So... When A and B are fighting, cursing each other (or each others' groups), ridiculing whatever they can about each other; what makes them different? Their different arguments and their arguments of their differences. What makes them similar? Their silliness for acting so childish; bergaduh memaki hamun di internet...

Mudah-mudahan aku dijauhkan dari perkara seperti ini. Oh Lord, please make us sound people with great minds to argue about our differences in good manners for the betterment of each other...Ada sebab kenapa orang tua asyik cakap: Bersatu kita teguh.

Quick power-up

Angin malam bawa ilham mungkin. Tapi aku akui sejak seminggu ini aku punya semangat baru. Betul janji Tuhan. Semua ada hikmah. Cuma perlu sabar.

Ini punya semangat; semangat yang aku sendiri temui. Dalam gelap gelita, mata aku mengenal warna sebenar dunia. Bila sudah terang, rupanya warna-warna itu lebih indah. Terima kasih Sang Pencipta.

Mudah-mudahan semangat ini berkekalan. Setidak-tidaknya lebih lama berbanding semangat2 lepas.

Notes from an orange book (1)

I think that nothing is impossible. Including that line ‘nothing is impossible’. Which means ‘nothing is impossible’ is also impossible. Thus making it (referring to ‘nothing is impossible’) possible which leads us to: it is possible that some things are impossible.

So when I think that everything is possible; I have to admit that the existence of some things that may be impossible is also possible because these things that are not possible is also included in that generalization of ‘everything’.

I’m just saying, you know…I am not about pessimism. I am not a pessimist pathetically trying to be an optimist. I am not even a realistic that trying to believe a lie that some beliefs are more real than others. I am nothing; which makes me something and everything.

I mean, it’s simple. God will always have His way to balance everything out and mostly it’s beyond our limited understanding.

So, just believe that everything will be in its place and thus I will get what I deserve and that I will end up where I belong.

dear peter,

some pain we'll never get over with. we just put it aside. and cover it with some blanket.

the problem with that is that, it can creep out of that blanket and hurt u again and again and again. and the pain just gets worse as u try to suppress it.

and then u get used to crying. and once u realized, u have to learn how to be happy with those tears.

notes from a gray book (2)

"you can tell that im not in a really good mood today, coz im not wearing matching tudung n baju kurungs or my shoes for that matter..."

"you can also tell that im writing in a pretty stressed mood that i dont really care about my capital letters and punctuations and spellings.."

do you wana b that kind of girl? well, im that girl now. on one thought, i hate it. on second thoughts, i cant hate myself anymore...--im too old for that *stuff=self-loathing*.

...

dear peter...

i should be in bed now, i know. but my mood swings are back. talk about bipolar. who the heck gave it a name...anyways, weekends here. i shouldnt b lethargic anymore. im the other way around these days. my graph of emotional swings increased as the weekends approaching. instead of the usual: emotions becoming more stable as the weekdays ending ....

sometimes it feels like 2008 again. at other times it feels like 2009. maybe in conclusion, im running in circles...dont we all feel that somehow or rather.

arhh im being too negative about everything again.

last week, my school's choral speaking won second place in district level. + best conductor. and the conductor came up to me and said teacher, i couldnt do it without u... i slapped myself back to reality first (metaphorically) before i said nah, its u all along and alone. u hv the potential since the start, perhaps i just helped u to see it...thats all.

n i moved on wif my life.

but sometimes when i feel down wif my other students, i looked back to that moment n thought for a second, can i actually feel good about myself because of the conductor's statement?

i shook it off my mind.

i havent done anything. i havent done anything for these kids, this school, the society n my country as a whole. i dream big n perhaps thats my problem.

a kid changed after a few months of my teaching. was it me? another kid changed after a few times being whipped by me. was it me?

and i shook it off my mind.

how silly.

it wasnt me.

its kuasa Tuhan.

Tunjukkanlah hamba mu ini jalan yang lurus. dan ingatan yang tidak lagi putus. sungguh senang alpa. jauh nya terpesong jalan. apa. apa yang aku cari..?

mau

Mau betul dalam perbalahan mulut berbincang; mau pulak orang lain salah

Mau duit; mau pulak kekayaan yang tidak akan pernah habis

Mau masa yang lengang; mau pulak kesenangan yang tidak putus

Mau jadi cantik; mau pulak jadi paling indah dikagumi

Mau pandai; mau pulak pengetahuan yang tidak perlu dicari

Mau kelebihan dalam berkebolehan; mau pulak jadi tuan guru sekalian alam

Mau cinta; mau pulak sayang yang tidak perlu diusaha

Mau jadi diri sendiri; mau pula jadi yang paling sempurna

Mau jadi sesuatu; mau pula jadi macam dia, macam itu, macam ini

Mau semuanya; mau pulak yang selebihnya dari yang semuanya.

Sudah namanya manusia; mau pulak jadi yang bukan manusia.

uh oh. nda mau buat kerja.

I guess you'll be reading this too? That excites me, really. ;)

You know what, I have a couple of reports that I have to write. Yeah. It's urgent alright. Some dudes are coming over right after this break to get their noses in our business and see if we're doing our work at school; in terms of SBOA...and yikes, I freaked out 'cause I haven't completed my files.

And so I started to 'try' writing the reports, getting the data right, and realizing some shits aren't actually done yet...I started since yesterday. And only now I realized, hey, I am procrastinating!

I totally miss this. It felt like the assignments days again. The reports are like....400+ words only, so all in all it's like 1600+ words and I am using 'all' my might to focus but still I am able to get carried away with things that I really don't mind about for the past few months after our "BIG BANG"..hahahaaaaa

I mean, like, come on...I am updating this darn blog for the second time this month?? whoaaaaa...and I was looking at tabs, suddenly surfing youtube again, checked out SMTM and 'tried' to update it--but again 'failed', gone up and down the homepage of facebukkk and again realized again wtf-am-i-doing...

Reminiscing. The undergraduate feel. Remembering the fresh and cold air of Wellington. The sudden clenching fear that came every time I checked the time before the clock strikes the final submitting hour...Heeeeeeeee~ feels like 21.

Learning Name by Goo Goo dolls. again. I'll never get this. I'm sure. But hey. Just to procrastinate.

sunbathing at 4000 meters above sea level

As I lay back on the cold stone floor of Mount Kinabalu, I feel the sun touches my cheeks and I closed my eyes quickly; realizing I was starting to cry—remembering sunshine.

Suddenly a total stranger, a foreigner, passed me by. After saying “sun bathing, eyh” he sang the exact lines of a song that crossed my mind at that time:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray…

And he passed me by while I fake a giggle just to sound friendly and said, it is a lovely sunrise. Hurm...

I was there for the second time, and I can’t be thankful enough. But for a moment there, I forgotten the cold. And all I can remember was the face that I have forsaken. My heart suddenly felt this clenching pain and a few tears came slowly out of my eyes and I quickly wipe them away.

Life (well, my life at least) is like mounting Kinabalu, I guess… every time I see a steep set of steps, I never fail to complain. Although it was in my dreams to be there again, I sigh every time I feel the hardship I have to go through to get to the top.

First day: to Gunting Lagadan


This second time I got to experience another trail—the summit trail via Mesilau gate; a different experience to the first-time experience via Timpohon gate. Different in the sense that less people take this trail, it’s more challenging with its extra 2kilometers and steeper steps. But the view is so much awesome-er… I just can’t stop smiling all the way to Gunting Lagadan...

Second day: to the top, and down

That night, I can’t really sleep. Was thinking too many things, I guess. In my head, I was still Alice falling down that rabbit hole. God knows when I'll hit the ground. I woke up several times and once I thought to myself, the place wasn’t as cold as it was 10 years ago. I took a walk out to the porch and back in to the toilet without feeling a bit too much of freezing. But perhaps that was just my ‘weng’ head talking because at 1:30 am, I decided I can’t take my shower—as I planned a few hours before.

And to my surprise this second time, the trail to Low's peak seemed a bit ‘easier’ (?), should I say that? If it’s not offensive. I was waiting for that big rock that I can’t go pass without almost having a heart attack during my first time, but there was none.

But it was okay.



Going down was err the ‘fun’ part? I used less energy but my knees were having a hard time ‘sucking up the impact’. Back to Gunting Lagadan from the top was too long for my liking. But that was because I have to wait for a friend to pass me my camera. But that’s okay. At least I was able to do that sun-bathing…(refer to first paragraph).

The next trail was towards Timpohon. I partially jogged down… landed ‘wrongly’ a couple of times causing slight pain on my both ankles and both knees. Geez.

One of the things that I love most about climbing this most-climber-friendly-mountain is that most people that you came across are friendly and encouraging. I love the feel it gave me. My heart warms up with all their smiles and words of encouraging.

There’s this one guy though, I remember the most. He was too tall for an average Malaysian man and his face was a bit foreigner-ish anyway so I thought at first that he wasn’t from around here or Peninsular. We both said our hi’s and the usual “huh this is hard but still is an awesome thing to do” lines.

And I asked him where did you enter the trail? Mesilau or Timpohon? He said oh I was from Mesilau. Then I said Oh really? So did I. When did you start? Didn’t see you when I was starting. Then he said Er, I started at 1130 I guess?

And then it hit me, I started at nearly 9, almost 3 hours apart and this guy is surpassing me… And so I commented “well, now I feel discouraged” with a bit of fake giggle. And he continued climbing—too fast for me. Owh he was from KL, didn't expect that too.

Our lives are like that I guess. We go at our own different pace. I shouldn’t feel anything except happiness for that guy for surpassing me. He was more prepared; physically and mentally. He has longer legs. He was better. But that shouldn’t make me feel any worse about myself. Well, I should’ve trained longer though…hah.

Anyway, my point was—I’ll go up/down this trail at my own pace…and the next time I go through a similar trail, I should be more prepared. And stop complaining and sighing when seeing those steep steps. You are after all, climbing a mountain, damn it waz.

notes from a gray book (1)

It feels good to be up in the sky again. I almost forgotten how I love the speed of the aircraft before taking off and the pressure of gravity when the aircraft mounts to the thousands of feet off the ground.

Did I ever told you that I once dreamed about being a pilot? I guess I did. That's my favourite story-of-my-life. Flying and falling are my most loved fear. I fear heights but I love overcoming that fear by flying and 'falling'...

During long lonely trips like this I usually will have this anonymous feeling. The feel of transition. I feel nameless, faceless. It is a time when my freedom is at its peak. I'm not attached to the 'world' on the ground. I am alone. In this period of time I am all by myself and I am my own self. It feels great and this reminds me why I (contradictorily and ironically) love long lonely trips such as this.

Humans are self-interested. So, lets (again) talk about me.

Lets start with my lightofacandle-like mind. Flickery. Ever-changing. Most of the time anyways. Undecided. At other times, I'd like to think I do know what I want/need. But that is precisely NOT the case at the moment.

I think a lot. To others I like to make things complicated 'coz I think in a complicated way (arent all women like that?). But to me, it's simple. Simple in a complicated way. Like Math equations. When I say I'd tend to think this world is like/full of equations--I am by no means implying that it is simple...because, who ever said that math equations are plain simple? It is simple; in a complicated way. Oh my I am contradicting myself.

Precisely.

becoming irrelevant

Last published on 2nd April. Shocking. To me at least.

It seemed that the person that I know as 'my self' has been irrelevant lately. Meaning that I dont see my self as being myself for the past few weeks. No. That's not right. What I really mean is that...I put myself behind too much these days... Whatever it is that I want to do; for myself, I'll put it on hold...and I'll put my work first.

Not that I want to say that I dont really do my work willingly--dont take me wrongly, I do, I'm doing it because I want to. And I wont blame it on it either (my work); pushing me away from doing what I like. Maybe my time management and self discipline is somewhat lacking. And maybe; as I have said--the workload made my previous hobbies seemed irrelevant. When compared to my work.

I didnt take care of myself properly; thus been sick for almost 4 weeks. Checked my blood a few days ago and found out a few things are not 'quite' right. Sometimes I find myself going blank once I got home from work; due to the sudden change of environment: school=loads of work that need loads of cognitive and physical effort that also drains my emotion [changing to] home=relax (but still loads of pending work to do).

Sometimes, I can go blank/idle for a few minutes before realising that I am actually not doing anything and not even thinking. Just staring at something. Like the TV. That's just wasn't me.

At school, I could identify that I have forgotten to do something/some work/some chores if I am idle for a second. If I am not doing anything at all--then, I know, I must've forgotten something. Darn.

I am not whining; maybe I am but I'd like to think that I am not, so beat it. But I am just pushing myself to reflect on this matter. The matter of making a list of to-do's without me being in the list...

I think it's pathetic.

Moreover that for the past 4weeks I've been taking loads of medicines...my nights are shortened. I'll fall asleep a few minutes after I took my meds at 7-730pm and had to force myself to wake up at 5 in the morning.

And now...honestly...I feel that, I've lost myself, and I've lost the ability to work properly for others too. Yang di kejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran...

I need to 'reschedule' my life. Where should I start?

Not really that big of a problem

I have a problem.

I cant really shop here. Sandakan I mean. Apart from my weekdays work, I don't really have close girlfriends here to bring along for shopping. I hate shopping alone. I'll look n sound weird coz I'll talk to myself too much while browsing.

I thought of trying to ask some of my colleagues out; but then, where to? We only have small boutiques here. Nope. No shopping malls. These small boutiques, located far apart from each other + the sun's too happy to shine, it seems impossible to shop happily here. In my terms, at least.

I am never near a shopaholic. But a girl will still be a girl and this girl needs to feed her hands with some new things.

And then came the idea. Online shopping. A few years ago, my idea about online shopping was: a total no-no. Untill I came to Welly. But this is Malaysia. I have no idea. *I refused to google* Who knows about online shopping in Malaysia? Nab's name came up. So I messaged her through FB asking for some directions. The internet is just too vast. I need to ask for directions; I thought, or I'll be lost and frustrated.

So she gave me a couple of site links.

And so, now, I have bought two new cardies, and I am still in the hunt for a new handbag and a new belt. My mom is against this. But I assure her that this is my last resort.

Now, I have resolved my problem of not being able to shop here. I shop online now.

But then I have a new problem. I can't stay focused while I am working when there is an internet connection.

darn.

This blog has been idle for too long?

Brapa kali aku klik butang 'new post'. Asyik gagal saja mau mengarang.

Sometimes when I try to write, I feel there is a big puzzle in my head; asking the big question about what it is that I am trying to do with this blog I own...

I have two other sites that has clear purposes. And that left me thinking, do I have a purpose writing here? Do I? Really?

I suppose, every blogger that have at least some ambitions in real life has come to this stage of blogging where s/he will ask the first question that s/he asked when s/he first started blogging: why do I need a blog?

It's like the first time you decide you wanted to be something, or you decide to do something 'big' with your life. Let's say that I am going on a journey; for a pupose. This purpose is so big that I cannot say no to myself for that decision on going for that journey...

and so I started the journey.

Along the way, I stumble onto so many things, I face so many happenings and meet so many new people. Untill I realized that I somewhat forgotten what was my original purpose for starting the journey ..

If I totally forgotten my purpose, I might as well stop where I am at;and settle in and make home out of the woods around me. Or I could think of a new purpose for this journey that I took; and make a new plan and strategy of reaching my destination. A neat one so that I wont forget it again.

If I could remember my original purpose of starting that journey, I'd still have two options. Continue. Or start on a new purpose; if I dislike the original one...

Ahh. Such a silly thing to dwell on this Friday night.
I think too much.
And silly me to think out so loudly.

cikgu ni

Did you get to choose what kind of teacher you want to be when you first enter your class.

Nah. I didnt choose. I just be me. Perhaps that's sucky, but we're not in a uniform--that gotta mean something.

Aku tanya: hati, kenapa mau bersedih saja?

There are so many ways to see and perceive things. And thank You for showing me some of the other ways that I wouldn’t have thought to exist.

Ini persepsi aku. Setiap orang yang cukup sifatnya akan ada beberapa kerajaan. Bukan, bukan berpolitik. Kerajaan dalam diri, maksud aku. Ada kerajaan hati, kerajaan otak, kerajaan akal, kerajaan sifat dan kerajaan sikap. Semua ada ini--->" + " *sambil menunjuk dua jari disetiap tangan dan menggerak-gerakkannya*

Hati—emosi.
Otak—fikiran.
Akal—pengetahuan.
Sifat—karakter.
Sikap—kebiasaan.

‘Definisi’ itu suma pun ikut suka hati aku ja aku letak. Biasa lah. Mungkin yang lebih arif dalam bahasa dan falsafah mahupun sastera mahu menegur? Silalah.

Tapi pangkalnya aku mendefinisikan kerajaan-kerajaan itu sebegitu ialah kerana aku ingin membahaskan bahawa setiap kali kita berhadapan dengan masalah; mahupun situasi harian, kita akan punya beberapa kerajaan ini menghantar suara-suara merdu mahupun suara sumbang mereka ke telinga dalaman kita ketika kita hendak (1) membuat keputusan, (2) menyelesaikan masalah, (3) memberi reaksi kepada apa-apa situasi (4) dll.

Situasi contoh: Jadi, apabila kita menengking dengan tidak sopan sungguh kepada seorang pakcik yang tidak sengaja melanggar kita, atau memaki mamak-bapak kepada anak murid yang kurang hajar dengan kita—apa itu kesan daripada kita mendengar suara busuk mana-mana kerajaan dalaman kita?

Tunggu. Sebelum kita menunding jari pada mana-mana kerajaan yang menghantar suara sumbang dan busuk itu, baik kita tanya; bagaimana boleh sumbang atau busuk suara-suara itu (dalam tidak mengambil kira kerajaan mana datangnya dulu).

Busuk. adakah kerana ‘mulut’ salah satu kerajaan itu busuk? sumbang. Adakah kerana salah satu kerajaan ini tidak masuk kelas menyanyi? Haih.

Apa pun, bagi aku, dalam situasi contoh itu, tiada kerajaan yang sungguhnya bersalah. Tapi semua mesti dipersalahkan dalampada semua pun tidak bersalah. Kalau sudah sampai contradicting begitu, tentunya negara (badan kita) ada something wrong bak kata orang kebanyakkan.

Something wrong itu ialah, negara kita sudah lupa yang lebih penting, yang berada di atas kesemua kerajaan itu… kalau kiblat negara sudah betul; tentunya negara nya lurus, dan tentunya kerajaan-kerajaan seluruhnya juga lurus.

Kalau sudah lurus, tiadalah terjadi situasi contoh itu.

Seterusnya, izinkan aku mengakui satu perkara. Aku bukannya lurus semata. Mungkin bukan lurus pun. Jalan ku dibelakang bengkang bengkok. Jalan ku dihadapan belum tentu lagi. Untuk meluruskan kerajaan-kerajaan itu bukan mudah, apatah lagi meluruskan negara.

Dan bagi aku secara personal, aku rasa paling bahaya dengan kerajaan hati. Nanti pembaca lelaki akan cakap: biasalah perempuan; 'emo' ja lebih... drama ja lebih... oh.

Jadi untuk wanita-waniti dan untuk para insan yang lemah hati macam aku, kadang-kadang aku rasa pelik sungguh..kenapa hati ni senang dan lemah sangat; tidak mahu gembira, sudah aku paksa gembira, sedih juga.

...sudah aku pujuk dengan macam-macam supaya hati gembira, tidak mahu juga. Sudah aku cuba jadi workaholic saja, supaya fikiran teralih dari masalah, tapi badan lesu juga di depan kerja. Hati tetap ingat perkara-perkara sedih dan ber-prasangka buruk saja. Eih. Sudah aku suruh ceria, mendung saja. Hati, kenapa mau (sengaja) bersedih saja?

Mungkinkan, kita lupa. EH. Aku yang lupa. Yang Tuan punya kesedihan tu ada. Dia yang cipta perasaan itu. Kerajaan hati bagi setiap hidupan yang ada hati pun Dia yang punya.

Jadi kenapa aku tidak tundukkan kepala dan minta pada Dia supaya hilangkanlah rasa sedih yang diciptaNya itu dari hati yang kepunyaan Nya ini… Nanti sudah minta; sambunglah usaha untuk menghilangkan sedih itu.

Hmm

Sejuk-sejukkan hati dengan ais krim ni:
Aku baru keluar dari fasa gloomy jugak. Jadi mari makan eskrim paling best!

In a support group for miscellaneous problems....

Hello.

My name is Waz. (All: Hello Waz~~)

I teach secondary school students for a living.

But recently I've been feeling that I don't have anything anymore. (Awww~~)

I feel that my world is like a home; a shelter for the homeless, but now everyone's moving out. Leaving me, the care-taker of the home, alone..

No. That's not quite right.

I feel like my world is like a home. I am living in this complete home; but slowly, each furniture is taken out, one by one. And leaving my home empty.

...... silence...

*cough, cough---Bob with bitch-tits (from FightClub if you haven't known one of the best movie) tried to break the silence*

*meooowww---a cat walk pass the room*

....silence...

Perhaps if I said I was an alcoholic or a drug abuser just now..then maybe they'd have at least an idea for an answer to help my 'condition'.

Reminders for the forgetful

My memory is getting worse.

It seems that it’s getting shorter. I forget too quickly, I forget too many things.My actions are getting too obvious too childish—unconsciously. Was wondering is everything really alright with me.

It’s affecting everything at work; that's what frightens me. I’m afraid if the other teachers are starting to doubt my seriousness in educating these children. And I am afraid if they don’t trust me enough to give me responsibilities.

Stick notes are already everywhere. Big, small, written in red pens, highlighted. Lists; to-do-lists, important-things-pleaseee-you-have –to-remember lists… all sorts of names. I even ask for other teachers (who know me enough to understand my ‘condition’) to remind me of little things. I think I’ve done everything I can.

But I still left my things everywhere, forgot to do things every day, skipped meals, skipped meetings unless reminded, lost letters, forgot to tick the attendance log.

Maybe it’s about routines. I have to establish a really nice routine. A book that will never get lost (tied to my table). And I think I have to hire a PA. But then again no—money. Anyways everyone will think it’s too absurd of a job.

Hokayh. My point? Argh I forgot... Nevermind. But, what was I supposed to do after blogging?

Darn.

Where did I put my checklist just now?
Double darn.

pelajar bangku belakang

Anak-anak ini dilabel sebagai mereka-mereka yang sudah "tiada harapan". Oleh cikgu-cikgu dan oleh diri mereka sendiri:

"Cikgu, kami ni, nda da (tiada) harapan suda..." They willingly said that to the teachers who insist that they make an effort to study and participate in class activities.

Dalam keadaan dan perspektif yang lain: They taught me that I could be anything and everything that I hate. that I am no less than those whom I despise for their attributes or attitude.

They make me ponder of my own being. What's the use of this screaming or the yelling; the swing of a hand or a pinch for a forgetful and playful mind.

I was once a kid but they remind me that I was a far-more-blessed one compared to where they are now...no matter how ugly I thought my past memories were, no matter how awful that experience and how hard it was, theirs are far more challenging.

Now that I know, I need to understand. I need a different 'understanding'. With better understanding, I could act and respond better to their misbehaviours and the problems that arised with them.

But then again, how?

jealousy

Feels like writing about jealousy too. Read: Karyabator’s “jealousy” entry here.

And so the thing is… Mom made a good point yesterday noon about girls who always wanted the best. They’ll try to do better every time; and if they made a mistake, they’ll cry over it hard-core style (buried themselves a few feet down the earth) but they’ll always (iA) come up again.

But girls like these have strong jealousy feel inside them that seldom die out. It is, in fact, the thing that made them girls seemed perfectionist; when they aren’t, actually.

Jealousy is—as any other feeling—created by Allah. It has a name because we put it as such (even that is His work) and it is there because of reasons we know, we’ll know or may never know. And because of that I believe that it has its good and bad effects.

With this belief, I see that we need jealousy. I (saya, moi) need that jealousy feeling when I look at girls who are more successful in life, girls who know their stand under Allah’s sky, teachers who can touch students’ heart, people who have enormous control over their anger-management and well...you get the point. Because with this jealousy, I could create need(s) and a want(s)…to be better.

But then, what we do with that feeling of jealousy is what sets people apart—the wise and the child-like.

What would you do when you confront these:

• I opened an old acquaintance’s page on facebook and felt a big sigh urging to be released from within—thinking how I wish I could be as beautiful and as successful as she is. She seemed flawless. Her life seemed flawless.

• I saw some artworks done by a really successful artist and felt as if I wanted to hate my own hands and imagination by not being able to produce something as good as that. And I remembered some friends criticize my arts and blame my own ego for not drawing things according to what people in general might like.

• Some students in classes I sat in for relief, asked me where their teacher was and that they missed him/her. I wonder if my students miss me if I'm gone...
  

• I become friends with people I assumed to have gone through a good beginning and thus stands up today as a good muslimah and I feel the rush of hatred of how my life turned out to be.

• I saw some family portraits (smiley faces all around) and thought how complete my family would be if only---*sigh*
  

If you feel all these jealousy, then what you’d do?

At the end of the day, I feel exhausted of it. Jealousy is indeed such a burdening feeling.

I try to remind myself that He is all-fair and all-just. That somehow or rather, our calculation and prediction of what is fair or unfair might not be true after-all.

Focus.

Shut the views that might make me an ungrateful being. But at the same time I'll try to expand myself beyond what I think I am capable of. If I can achieve the achievements of those whom I envy; I'd be glad. Then I'll envy some other people who can create the the need to endlessly move. But if I don't, hurm I'll try to be glad still.

iA.

dalam kotak

susah bila kita mau luaskan imaginasi dan kretiviti minda kita apabila apa yang kita lihat cuma empat dinding, satu lantai dan satu siling.

susah bila aku harapkan ilham turun berguling-guling dari langit untuk membantu aku memenuhi kertas dengan seni (atas definisi sendiri) apabila yang aku lihat sehari-harian cuma kertas putih dengan hururf-huruf yang disusun.

susah bila aku tetapkan menegakkan tiang-tiang semangat dan kewarasan fikiran setiap hari bila setiap saat aku dedahkan tiang-tiang ini untuk diruntuhkan anasir luar.

susah kalau aku berkeras menginginkan orang lain untuk memahami sesuatu seperti mana aku memahami sesuatu itu, sedangkan aku tidak tahu bagaimana aku boleh memahami sesuatu itu; apatah lagi untuk tahu bagaimana untuk memahamkan orang lain tentang sesuatu itu.

--------------------------------

susah. jadi rekalah pintu dan tingkap; keluarlah dari empat dinding satu lantai satu siling.

susah. jadi kejarlah ilham kalau dia lari, ikutlah terbang kalau ilham bersayap, galilah tanah kalau ilham tertimbus dibawah, tangkaplah ilham bila dia di gapaian tangan.

susah. jadi kukuhlah tiang dengan niat yang betul dan lindungi dari anasir luar dengan kendiri dan kepercayaan kebal.

susah. jadi cubalah faham dari jalan yang lain.

Chaghu

Slow. Macam siput. Macam liat saja otak. Manja! Mengada! Banyak alasan! Lembik... Bikin Panas...

I need a push. I need to be pushed. I need to push myself.

I can be better than this.

tersirat

Aku baru siap buat script untuk Choral Speaking skolah aku.

I think, somehow or rather, my younger brother was right…looking back at this text, I think I might have gotten too carried away.

Ah. We’ll see what my boss would say tomorrow.

Been 30 minutes after that—I spend my time lurking the endless and winding path of the internet and its content. Found a few really interesting blogs and they got me a wee bit jealous that I feel this urge to make something. Produce something.

Last weekend I spent on the ‘leadership camp’ and Monday was a holiday but I really forgotten what I did the whole day but nothing—I produced nothing.

So, now? How about now?

I looked at my guitar and sigh. Mom will be mad at me if she hears me play that now.

I looked at my pens and clean (shucks) sketch papers and sigh again. Prompts can only go so far—when it comes to your creativity and imagination; if your head says “nothing’s inside here” no prompt can ever change that.

I looked at my blog…sigh…. Too much to share; too much to hide;

Cabaran utama dalam menulis blog (untuk sebuah blog yang 'public') ialah menggunakan taktik membuat isi nampak general tapi dalam masa yang sama sedang tackle isu yang personal (yang di buat menjadi sangat tersirat sampai orang mau fire aku pun aku peduli apa)...

Tapi taktik ini ambil masa. Perlu ilham bernas. *Hampeh. Macam la sebelum ini bernas tulisan aku. Blekh* Dan aku tiada kedua-dua itu buat masa ini. Kalau dulu, aku banyak sangat masa persendirian; yang mana kalau aku sia-siakan, aku cuma merugikan diri sendiri... Tapi sekarang, masa yang aku sia-siakan akan memberi kesan kepada orang lain...aduh.

Dan kalau tidak berkias tulisanku, habis aku macam meletakkan diri menjadi shooting target di tempat baru. Oh yea.

Ini pun, entry merepek sudah ambil masa tidur aku 1 setengah jam.

Sudahlah.

Oh. Oh. Here’s a picture.

Oh yeay. I updated my blog.

Dont touch that!

Today is the first day of our school’s Leadership Camp.

It’s been a while since I joined in activities such as this. And seriously, from this ‘perspective’ (a teacher’s), everything is a lot different compared to when I was in their shoes—the students.

I nearly cried; but I have to keep my face straight because I want to be strict with the students. I was amazed with myself because of that (nearly cried part). My heart is so much ‘softer’ [hihi] now compared to when I was a student; when my heart was as hard as stones.

‘Garam’ yang banyak sedikit sudah buat hati aku lembut barangkali…?

Dearests, if only you could see from my eyes, you’d see how much time you wasted, how many chances for success you’ve let go…And how much/many more that you will waste/let go if you don’t change…

Sebak dalam rasa marah…

I like to bring this one ‘falsampah’ to my students. Tentang memegang benda yang panas. Hot frying pan for example. When this person A touched the hot frying pan and screamed and told you that it was hot; and even showed to you that A’s hand was burnt because of touching the pan, do you still want to touch the pan to know that it is hot?

Falsampah decoded:
If millions of people keep on telling you the list of things that you’d regret if you do it, why would you still want to do it? And if this millions of people, tell it straight to your face that one of those things you’d regret is taking school lightly, would you believe them? If they say that you’ll miss out countless of possibilities for success through education by doing that, wouldn’t you believe them?

That aside, if this one person, who is standing right in front of you tells you that that pan is HOT (taking school matters lightly), why would you wana still go there and touch it (doing it by taking school lightly)?

Falsampah-falsampah aku mungkin cikai saja di pandangan orang. Tapi biar Tuhan saja tau, aku di sini bukan untuk apa pun; cuma sebab aku tau—ramai hati yang meronta-ronta cuba memahami dunia yang seperti telefon bimbit…semakin canggih, semakin senang untuk rosak—dan aku cuma mau membantu.

Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah aku jalanMu dan berikan aku pedoman; permudahkanlah urusanku untuk menyedarkan anak-anak muridku; bahawa mereka tidak perlu mengulangi kesilapan orang lain untuk mengetahui bahawa sesuatu itu adalah kesilapan…

Dan kebebasan tanpa batas itu adalah satu kecelakaan, bukan kelebihan…

macam gelang getah

Macam gelang getah;

Aku cuba renggangkan
sepanjang mana yang boleh
sebelum putus.

Imaginasiku,
sabarku,
kemampuanku,
pemikiranku,
usahaku.
Atau apapun--

Sampai satu masa nanti
aku boleh mengikat diri sendiri
dengan 'gelang getah' itu
kepada kepercayaan bahawa
"Aku boleh"
dan
"Aku mampu";
...jauh lebih daripada yang aku sendiri bisa sangka.

Dan di awal dan akhirnya
(seperti tangan yang merenggang)
ialah tangan kanan dan kiri yang menadah
di setiap hujung pengiraan detik.

mencari di SMK Belakang Rumah

Seminggu. Usia aku jadi cikgu di Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Belakang Rumah; enam hari, to be exact. Perasaan aku? Memang best. Aku bersyukur akhirnya aku nampak reality kehidupan, biarpun baru sipi-sipi (meaning: aku baru nampak the introduction part of it).

Dalam ‘introduction’ part ni, yang aku boleh analisis ialah perangai kebanyakkan cikgu dan reaksi diorang terhadap cikgu baru (apatah lagi cikgu dengan first-posting). Ada yang supportive, ada yang defensive, ada yang tunjuk kakak/abang, ada yang tunjuk otai, ada yang tunjuk tak nampak, ada yang tunjuk gigi saja.

Gambar sekadar hiasan

Tapi sekolah ini secara umumnya ialah sebuah sekolah yang ‘selamba’. Atau term local-nya: sekolah lek-lek-tenang. Aman permai dalam ia tetap mempunyai cirri-ciri sebuah sekolah yang menempatkan para anak remaja yang secara azalinya ada darah panas lagi.

Aman permai ni maksudku tiada kucar kacir yang teruk antara pelajar dan guru. Pelajar secara umumnya masih mempunyai hormat yang tinggi terhadap guru-guru. Aman permai juga maksudku, semasa aku berjalan masuk ke perkarangan sekolah, aku tidak merasa ada efek dua magnet (besi lekat) bila ditemukan dua kutub yang sama. Tidak seperti masa aku di sekolah praktikal ku di KL.

Tapi, ya seperti yang aku katakan, anak remaja secara azalinya punya darah panas. Masih mau ‘main-main’ dan masih rasa tiada hala tuju dalma hidup, masih mau buat maslaah disiplin yang kadang-kadang aku sendiri pun tidak faham. Tambahan pula kebanyakkan pelajar di sini datang dari economy background yang rendah dan dari kawasan perumahan yang sedikit bermasalah.

Ah. Aku pilih sekolah menengah itu hari pun sebab aku sudah fikir aku mahu jumpa dengan perangai macam ini. Kalau aku mahu yang kurang simpang siur adolescence dan cuma ada nakal naïve dan nakal comel, sepatutnya aku sudah pergi sekolah rendah. Tapi tidak. Memang aku mencari budak yang bermasalah. Dan iya, aku dapat apa yang aku cari. Sekarang, sudah aku jumpa, apa pula yang aku mau buat?! *berfikir panjang*

Gambar sekadar hiasan

Untuk rakan cikgu baru yang membaca ini entry aku cuma mau cakap: apa yang kau cari menentukan apa yang kau nampak dan tidak nampak. Kalau kau cari pembangunan dan kemewahan dan kebahagiaan dan keseronokkan hujung minggu dan peneman yang sentiasa memahami sunyi atau keringnya kau, kau rasalah ada atau tiada semua itu.

Kalau kau cari kebiasaan dan fasiliti yang boleh menggendong kebiasaan mu, kau rasalah susah senang kalau tiada fasiliti yang bisa menggendong. Tapi kalau kau cari anak-anak yang dahagakan ilmu dalam mereka sendiri pun tidak menyedari betapa dahaga-ilmu-nya mereka; mungkin kau nampak terus.

Apa pun, I am expecting more (mentally + emotional + physical-strength) draining experience the coming days, weeks, months and years of being a teacher. But I am not sure if I am any near well-prepared. Huh. Yeah at least I am trying to be prepared with this life jacket and this parachute, these couple of coins in my pocket and this not-so-hard head and this kinda-big heart of mine. This airbag (which I don't literally have).

Ps. Aku tidak upload entry ni dekat SMTM sebab aku rasa ini terlalu personal untuk represent sebuah group dan ia terlalu bertapis-tapis dan kosong tanpa apa fakta.