futsal tumoro

rase nak berak sbb nervous sgt.
cam first time date ngan couple baru.

tak leyh tdor sbb dah habes kan satu cawan cappuccino td.

damn aku takut.



i know...over reacting kan...

tali pengikat yang takkan pernah buat kita terkongkong tapi buat kita lebih bebas.

aku memaki byk gila ari ni. byk. tak bertapis.kesian atik tpakse dengar.nak kate pe pasal Bersatu? its a different experience.
cuma sekali tadi, aku loose jap. tebakar jap. tak dapat nak control. kadang2 ni la yg buat aku klu ble xnak expose kan diri aku kat public. sbb mst aku display aku punye kebodohan tanpa segan silu nya. aku try nak control. serius. betul. tapi, ntah.

what am i anyway.

ade org kat DA kate 'inside my head' byk negative thoughts tapi still warna warni **which suggests that i am still optimistic. demmit. aku pessimist ka optimistic?... aku pun ttaw. **bile aku dah kate tataw tu mmg suggest aku more to pessimist kan.

aih.

sekali lagi.im not proud of who i am, n how i act. alasan: but im human. aku pun ada falasi aku sendiri. more alasan: ini la aku, ini la yg define aku.

reality check: kalau ini lah 'aku', aku ta ble stay macam ni...aku taw aku kene berubah. tak yah kesah sume "JUDGE" of the WORLD ni nak kate... aku sendiri tau aku kene berubah. tak yah la yg judge tu nak gtau aku.aku taw.

alasan lagi: tapi aku tataw cam ne nak ke 'sana' dari 'sini'. serius.betul. aku tataw.

aku harap betul aku ada tali ikat aku sekarang, maybe a straight jacket. yg ble kawal aku dari jadi sapa aku skrg. that can make me better. **think**...damn..obviously. jawapan die senang jeh.korang pun tau.ape mende yg ble kawal kite, yg ble buat kite baiki diri kita. korang tau kan. satu je. SATU je. jawapan die. SATU.

tapi kenapa.kenapa la susah sangat nak balek pada SATU tuh.

btw,this is not a poem.just some short shitful sentences.

you got this problem.
you told some people about it.
people who you thought would understand and wana listen, maybe they'll give some advice or two, or an opinion maybe.

you were sure these people were on your side.
well at least, if not help, they can offer some comfort.

youre dead wrong!
coz the next thing you know,
other people are laughing about it
like its a joke
or what ever.


n u wonder who the hell told them about it.

while they laugh about it,
you came home half soaked in your own tears
thinking of how to tell them
that it is not a joke
that it is your life
maybe you made some stupid mistakes
but its a mistake
when its a mistake.
its your life n nothing;s a joke in it.
it hurts n they should know about it

but most of all
the people that you told the problem should know that its not a joke
but well
everythings fucked up
n youre still the one whos not laughing.

anyway,
the firts day of the games went 'terribly' well..
we lost the game badly but thats okay
i fucked up with the participants food but i think thats okay too at least for now
i played in rain n my head n foot hurts
but people laugh about y0ur mistakes,
thats not so okay
people whom you trust laugh about your mistakes
thats really not okay!

theres so many sentences-beginning-with-IFs that come across my head now.




im just fullofshit.

lady in the water during reahearsal

sambil2 rehearsal, aku dah siap kan 'lady in the water'.
this is the cropped pic.click3!! :D

hmm...td, opening ceremony utk Bersatu best, biar pun kalut2.esok, doakan aku n team netball...



lagu dari soundtrack utk Garden State, movie by Zach Braf, budak dlm scrubs tuh.maybe tak de a se-best American Beauty. tapi, best gak a.. :P ade Natalie Portman n Peter Sarsgaard. syiok!

doodles, doodles!!

i posted 'down the worm hole' on my DA! yeah! tgh2 bz ni, smpt selit2 kan a minute or two utk siap kan doodle tuh. and another doodle posted before that is 'inside my head'.hehe here's both of the doodles, cropped. if u wana see the rest, click on the pics.. :P

here's a bit of 'inside my head':




and here's a bit of 'down the worm hole'.



both doodles have their own stories, but that will take me another few hours infront of this laptop and its already 9++ am...im gona b l8 for futsal then..so, i have to stop here..huhu

but i just wana thank Ace for the inspiration for the second doodle 'down the worm hole'..

o ya, mari berfikir jingga! bersemangat kejinggaan!! this is my final year here n final bersatu, nak have funnn!! wish us luck (team netball n futsal)...

the rip ripped my heart away

its the time of the month.the older i seem the harder it gets to ignore the pain so i missed my futsal and netball practice..i felt a bit guilty and bored as hell alone here in my room with the pain and nothing else to do...but i cant..sooo sakkkiittt laaaaa....i tried to suck it up n not be a cry baby, but well...

anyway.here's a song that i really want to recommend to people too.
its the rip by portishead (this one's live on later with jools holland)



and here, is a casual cover by radiohead..



esok, ok sket aku akan ikut practice...aaa...
lalalalala....Bersatu is just around the corner...hurm but come to think abt it, its better 'it' started today n not later!by the time bersatu games is starting it'll be over n i can play w/o worries n pain...yeah

aku punya ruang

ive stolen sai's myspace account. ahahaha.. (i really dont knw whats my point of laughing)..

anyway.if u hv a myspace account, feel free to add me.link is on sidebar.or here.

tau takkk...masa2 cam nih, aku rasa bengong btul.dalam satu hari aku rasa, mood aku naik turun cam gila...jap aku rasa hyper gila.hepiii la nih..bersemangat, rasa nak buat something productive, rasa inspired, rasa macam2 la yg positive (biar pun clouded by some negative aura gak) but then suddenly, the next minute, aku dah cam, dowwwwnnnnnnnnnnnn....down the rabbit hole....cam rasa diri tak guna balek, rasa diri ni tade gune, rase tak gune diri ini, diri ini tiada gunanya...hmm.cam tu la...

hm...nevermind.alasan aku: ni suma di sebabkan hormon.nak dekat period a nih...ye..lets blame it all on the hormones...yeahhhh.."tak sengaje la nak moody2...hormone i nih..i takde control over it..kan..natural kan...i mane ble buat pape...kan.."...

i wish i realize things earlier, sooner..i wish i learn earlier, sooner...
about everything!about anything.22 seems just toooo lateee....
yayayaya..i know..u'll say "its never too late la, hon...dont think too negatively lah.."
yayayaya.

because futsal training is canceled

because futsal training is canceled and i was told about it while i was walking half way there (almost drench in rain), i have the time to update my blog. YEAH!!! (genuine happiness, half sarcasm, please note).

anyway, as i said, i have recently became a deviant. and so i browsed through the millions of deviations and i was filled with envy and jealousy. people are heavy with talent here.some even make a living out of it and i envy their ability to make something out of their passion and their interest or hobby...

then, i found Marina-B and thegirlinthebigbox. they both share the same thing: they sell their products, the things that they made because they love to do it. if that is solely their way of earning their living, they surely love their jobs.. i was inspired by this and by their artworks of course. they are beautiful... people should check em out if you havent already.

i thought..i just want to make something out of my life with the things that i do love doing... but damn..i feel that i'll never be good enough in anything. say that im wrong but its my hands, my voice, my body, and i know if i am or im not doing things satisfying enuf... i just wish, i have something to push me, u know.. or maybe i should get into an art class, just to learn some techniques that might be useful to help me get the ideas out of my head and put it on paper and do my best to make it at least an inch closer to my imagination. bukannye cam sekarang, idea lain, hasil laen sume sbb skill aku limited, damnnn....

sebagai contoh, i have submitted another piece of shit on my DA's account called "i'll explode". anyone who has a DA account and apparently reading this, pleasee, pleaseeeee comment and criticize that crap...
i got that idea at 3 in the morning and spent 2 and a half days thinking of how to complete it..but at the end, i hated it with all my heart because it wasnt actually what i wanted it to be.damn3....

anyway..another thing, when Atik came back from her trip to Auckland she told me about Nab's story which is somewhat similar to the two artists ive told about earlier. she make things (enjoying them btw) and sell them... atik bought a t-shirt from her and fana too. she sold em through her myspace. when we were back in ipba, i can sense her creativity aura from the start...i must confess i was jealous with her talent and her camera at that time!!haha anyway, check out her myspace. maybe u can buy a few things from her as well..its hand made, man.cam kire one design tak kan same ngan yg laen...pergh. special apa dapat satu tshirt.hehe

INSPIRING!!!--these people's stories..but hurmm...nak jadi cam tu gakkk....wawawawawawawa

becoming a deviant

im sipemalas in deviantart.com

becoming a deviant is another thing to feel inferior about.there are like thousands of submissions every day, and most of them are good deviations.

aku cam..dah la tak pandai pun nak melukis sangat.pastu aku gune traditional art form.pakai pen, pakai kertas.nak pakai photoshop, x pandai.damn...aku rase klu pandai pakai photoshop, cam lagi luas ke options ko nak buat art..cam lagi byk possibility ko nak buat dgn idea yg ko ade...ni..ade idea, tapi nak realisasi kan idea dengan berbekal kan kertas A4 dan pen dan ilmu yg maha sikit nih, aku..aih..susah btol la...celakek...

pastuh browse, sah2 la aku tgk deviations yg lawa kan...aduhhh..damn3...cam kene hammer jauh kedalam bumi...habis tetanam aku...rase rendah nye diri...

reflek2...dah la pemalas..lagi la susah..susah nak belajar..nak belajar kene bace, kene refer byk2, kene blajar teknik, kene blajar ni tu..ofkos la aku exaggerating kan...klu kemampuan limited, kene la kreatifkan diri kan, expand ikut limitation kite..tapi3....**alasan**...idea aku slalu di potong oleh limitednye kemampuan aku...waaaaaaaaaaaaa.......

anyway..check out my deviantart page..link di side bar...atau di sini: "tong sampah contengan"..

just cause you feel it, doesnt mean its there

im not proud of who i am.
and im not proud of how i think or how i act.
but can you just please "look" at me?

escapism

to escape the absurdity of my thoughts **see previous entry**, i watched ghost in the shell:innocence again..i know..again..it really is a heavy-themed movie..never mind. but i have to recommend the closing theme song...its follow me by kimiko itoh. i dont know why but the version in this movie is really haunting..or maybe its because of my state now. but here it is:



thats the original version..here's from the movie:



and here are some captions from the movie


Batou "without" the Major..


here's one of the magnificent scenes from the movie...huhu

more about gits2

another fantasy

what is it thats in me that sometimes made so sure that i want to drown myself to death? though im perfectly sure i wont be brave enough to do it, sometimes this idea of death and this desire seems so strong that i could picture myself in the sea water...my vision blurred and my eyes hurt with the salty water..it should be at night so i wont see clearly what surrounds me but water...i wouldnt struggle at first, and as i close my eyes, the air from my lung would lessen and lessen and second chance of life would flash in my head and then i'll struggle..but the rocks i put in my pockets and the deep sea and the fact that i couldnt swim will assure me i wont survive...and i wont...

but thtas just my fantasy. i sure am a chicken shit.
and i would continue living this life, cause nothing is wrong with me though everything feels very wrong.and i dont even know what.

sume nih alasan...
fuck you, waznah, fuck you.

aku dan dunia ku

dunia imaginasi aku
adalah sebuah dunia
yang rosak teruk
kerana di dalam dunia itu aku dirajai hatiku semata

dunia imaginasi ini
ialah duniaku
di mana aku mempunyai banyak pilihan; tiada hadnya,
inilah dunianya
di mana aku boleh membuat
semua kesilapanku
dan kerana itu ia jadi rosak
tapi aku mampu melihat aku sebagai aku

di dunia ini
aku berani, aku kejam, aku berambisi, aku bersungguh, aku berhati penuh
aku ialah aku iaitu aku
aku ketawa, aku menangis, aku marah sepenuh hatiku
kerana di duniaku ini, aku saja yang penting
aku disalahkan kerana aku salah
aku dibenci kerana aku salah
aku dikeji kerana
di dunia ini, aku ialah 'aku'
dan bukannya 'aku' selepas "kamu", selepas "itu", selepas "ini"

tapi jika aku di dunia itu
aku perlu mati di tanganku sendiri.

ini sajak yg aku tulis beberapa mggu lepas.aku bg kat member laen utk post kat blog laen dengan name laen *which means no one knows it's mine*.well, he changed the title to "aku, duniaku" which is a little bit disappointing but i didnt make it a point sbb maybe bagi org laen tu hal kecik.

so, aku post lg sekali d sini, to have a little bit of sense of possession.hahaha

i nvr had the chance to explain things with my own poems.coz i think no-one really bothers with what i meant in any of it. sume org ade interpertasi sendiri utk apa jenis form of art pun kan..but this is how i interpret ..or more accurately this is what i meant when i write 'aku dan duniaku'..

***********************************************************
aku slalu fikir yg care aku hidup skrg ni betul2 laen dari ape yg hati aku sebenarnye nak.jadi, dalam dunia imaginasi aku, aku bayangkan macam mana kalau aku betul2 ikut kata hati...sentiasa...i guess it will be damn corrupted. teruk. buruk.but the "good" side is that, i am able to see to the extent of what will i be, what will i do, and what are the consequences of my actions if i am, exactly, what i want myself to be, according to my damn hati busuk...

aku kate ni dalam dunia imaginasi aku saje sbb aku x rs hidup mcm ni adalah hidup yg ideal. aku slalu rase burung pun tak leyh terbang tinggi sangat... semua bende kene ade limit kan..

what i meant for "kamu", "itu" dan "ini" adalah elemen2 laen, it's everything else that surrounds me and my heart.my consciousness, my beliefs, my rationality, friends, family, people around me whom i know and dont, everything and everyone and especially God.

bukan la aku nak cakap, skrg ni, semua tindakan aku sudah tertapis orleh elemen2 yg aku sebut tuh.kalau ye, mmg aku dah jadi org yg lebih baik dari aku sekarang...kan?..

nak kire, aku sekarang berada di tengah2 dalam satu continuum. di satu hujung, aku adalah aku dalam dunia imaginasi ku.dan di satu lagi hujung, aku ialah org yg benar2 tertapis oleh elemen2 tadi. jadi, kiranya aku ikutkan hati semata, aku rase, aku perlu betul2 terjun kat laut tu.mampos terus!...

well, at least that is what i intended to show through that shitty poem. i know its no near a good poem and i am no good poet..and anyhow, what's really important is how other people who read it interpret it...

hm...ngow3~~
aku nak mandi.

maintaining my blog

alasan-yg-kerap-diberikan ke dua:

"malas nya buat benda ni...mesti tunggu mood apa..baru ada flow...baru ada idea...kan3!"




and i thought i will love maintaining this blog, this time around...this excuse made me think twice about that.damn.

alasan tu slalu nya aku bagi masa ada asgnmt,kene study, ada rasa nak melukis, menulis atau apa saja...

Radiohead/Chopin Mashup - Jack Conte

when the tempo starts to rise during "naaaauuuuuuuu....we aaa wannnnnnnn (now we are one)"..i was totally stunned. this is not the first time i saw this form of music-making **pe2 je la name nye, aku tataw**, but i am so tekejut coz its a mash up of chopin + radiohead...aduh...i thot i was going to faint wen i saw that...

anyways.enjoy.

resepi paling sedap!

tadi aku nak masak megi.

tp, aku yg dulu nya famous ngan title maggie-addict, suda tidak mengendah kan megi sda.jadi aku tade a simpanan megi.

ingat nak mintak kat housemate.tapi segan la plak kan.ari tu mase aku blum stop mkn megi, aku dah habes kan sekotak megi diorang.kesian diorang.tak ganti lagi tuh....hihihi

anyway

aku pun dengan senang hati nye buat resepi-plg-sodap aku yg aku dah amalkan sejak kecik pd ketika aku malas,nak cepat atau saje sbb teringin...jadi, utk 2nd post ni, aku nak ajar *sape tah* bagaimana utk mmbuat resepi sedap ini.

things u'll need.

• nasik yg baru masak atau panas2 lagi (sbb kepanasan nasi penting dlm menyedapkan resepi ini, msk jap je, jgn mls lebih dr aku.aku yg mls ni pun msk nasi baru tau)
• bawang besar
• telur 2 biji utk seorang..ahaah...
• kicap manis, kicap cair, sos tomato, sos tiram, sos cili pedas, dan apa saja sos yg korang ble makan

cara2 membuat nya

• panas kan kuali ngan minyak yg cukup byk sampai mak bleyh mara tp x cukup byk utk deep fry plak
• tumis bawang besar yg suda d potong2 ikut suka hati
  
• masuk kan telur yg telah d pukul +garam tau.
• goreng tu, biar telur ni bulat dan besarrrrrrrrr.... dah masak tu lipat dua.hihi
• amik pinggan bulat paling besar korang ade.yg logik skit a.jgn besar sgt
• penuh kan separuh dari pinggan tu ngan nasik.timbun2 kan ikut rasa sedap hati
• separuh lagi tu korang penuhkan ngan telur tadi.

here comes the fun part

• amek mangkuk kecik, letak sos cili pedas byk mane korang ble tahan; korang gande kan 3.jgn risau.tak tercirit.
• campur ngan kicap manis 3 kali ganda dari 3 ganda sos cili tadi
• campur ngan sos tomato yg 1/3 dari kuantiti kicap tadi
• campur ngan sos tiram, dalam kuantiti yg sama nagn sos tomato
• tambah la sos lain ikut suke hati korang

pastuh, dah siap!! ooohhh sungguh sedap!!....
utk menikmati makanan ini, korang mst makan dengan cepat, tak yah kunyah banyak, lupe bace bismillah, pastuh haaaaaaaaaaa~~!!!

kalau nak tambah sedap nye resepi nih, korang amek mangkuk, letak nasi tu dalam mangkuk, telur tu dan campuran sos2 tadi, pastuh gaul3.....hancur2 kan telur tu...gaul2 lagi....sampai la dia nampak cam nasik goreng...

pandai.

kombo emosi

yaa...ini la rasa2 yg aku selalu alami...im normal right?

i'll give one of my usual excuses now:
"malas la nak mandi...sejuk..."