rants on books

i always puzzled myself about why i dont buy books that often/easily.

i have always wanted to buy books on arts, drawings and handcrafts. But i never had the money and the guts to spend a handful of money on something i'm not sure of its importance. uuh. that made me sound like i dont care about art. i thought about buying art-reference books because art is important to me. it's just that i'm not sure that i cant continue on drawing without one.

okay. fine. we know i can. we know everybody can. but we also know that i can improve my skills with the help of [some] book(s). that's only logical. although that's the case, i cant help myself from hearing these whispers: "you wont go blank without a reference book in art--not like science or history or language" ..or... "come on..you can figure that out yourself" .. or .. "that amount is worth a few weeks of food on your table during school-hours ie canteen".

and i have to mention, i was reminded by a distant friend's blog last night about the book 'girl with the pearl earing'..i read the book in 2006 [it's really good] and then i watched the movie when i was in Welly [it's as good as the book]..and i just had to watched it again after reading my friend's post and i notice one dialog exchange that suits me pretty well now.

it goes a little something like this

'does the books show u what to paint?' Greet said.

Vermeer laughed. and then replied 'hm..it helps'

im no daughter of rich ppl (not even of considerably-rich ppl) to be able to stomach the thought of giving money for books that i can live without; though i am now with my own paychecks, the habit of refusing such purchase still lives inside me; so although i REALLY want an art book--or any book for that matter, i still feel this 'guilt' when i wanted to buy one*.

and so what happen to the importance of art? im in no state of privilege to be surrounded by hugely-talented family members, my siblings are but they're also amateurs like me and i am no close to libraries full of art-reference books--[only when i was in Welly],(not forgetting the scarcity of art-supplies here) but i still have the internet. and for that, I am so grateful. i stopped wanting to buy them books.

haih. waz and her indecision.

so i guess, for now, i will continue on hoping that one day i'll break that barrier between me and buying art-books.

as for fictional books. it's very difficult for me to find books that i really, really love. and i dont want to waste money on books that i'd read half way [coz i will only finish reading the books that i REALLY love ie thought intriguing, with light and understandable drama and conflict, a bit philosophical with a touch of romance, creative/weird/that X-factor, maybe a bit/a lot of depressing/simply sad things--depending on topic, a good cover, and at most times--must be in the first person view]..mmg susah!! huhu

but anyhows, i know fictional books are plenty in local libraries...(?)

urghh.

so, there. i only wanted to share on why i still dont even have a full shelf of books even though i love sitting in the middle of libraries/bookstores and feel just like how it'd be in my imaginary home.

reason lain: kedekut??

*bila dibesarkan dengan pemikiran yang duit itu sangat susah untuk datang, dan cuma boleh membelanjakannya pada benda yang 'penting' saja, memang susah untuk tidak mempunyai 'guilt' itu. sedangkan coklat pun aku takut mau beli..tapi bila fikir balik, banyak saja benda kureng 'penting' yang aku sudah 'wasted my money with'..(?) maybe because i wasted so much in the past that i am more afraid of purchasing these things now?... nta.

hina

"alaaa apa laaa cikgu ni...anak murid lagi pandai dari cikgunyaa"...

aku berdiri tegak di depan 4 orng anak2 itu. tangan memeluk tubuh, mata jatuh ke atas lantai--tembus ke bawah; merentasi segala-galanya. ke sebuah dunia lain--imaginasi. mengira2; mengagak2, macamana sebenarnya aku mau buat anak2 ini faham.

aku potong fikiran sendiri.

cepat2 aku tanya: " apa kelebihan yang kita dapat apabila kita di 'hina'..?"

sorang tertunduk. lagi tiga kerut2 dahi. seorang beranikan diri bukak mulut..sedikit hesitating. "manadaaa cikgu...manada kelebihan..buruk bah kena hina..kena hina kan, kena hina la.."

esih..kata ku..manada perkara yang tidak boleh di lihat dari lebih dari 1 perspektif...ada kelebihan yang kita dapat bila di hina...cuba la fikir sikit...

dahi masih lagi kerut2..

aku potong cerita ni--direct to my point; which was also my answer.

the answer is simple ja aku rasa. dihina ni boleh di lihat dari 2 lagi (daripada beribu2 yang lain) perspektif.

1) dihina itu macam tukul membenamkan paku. pangkalnya tertanam jauh kedalam kayu. anggap kita itu paku, hinaan itu tukul, dan ia sedang menukul paku ke dalam tanah...kaki kita terbenam ke tanah. bukankah itu akan membuatkan kita merendah diri. humble. bukankah itu mengingatkan kita kepada asalnya kita? tanah.

2) ingat tentang konsep kita sebagai hamba Tuhan. bila kita tadah tangan berdoa contohnya. Ada kita puji2 diri sendiri; cakap gah dan sombong sama Tuhan? tiada. kita merendah2kan diri. sebab kita sedar; kita makhluk ciptaan-Nya. dengan silap salah diri; kekurangan diri di atas kesempurnaan yang Dia cipta. Tapi dalam masa sama, Dia promote kecemerlangan dan kejayaan. 5 kali 1 hari Dia ingatkan. disini; kesimpulan yang aku boleh nampak ialah; kita musti sentiasa ingatkan diri bahawa kita di bawah, in order to force ourselves to strive to somewhere better (to the 'top')...hehehe

oh, aku tambah lagi satu. Orang2 yang hebat (genuinely HEBAT) selalunya orang2 yang merendah diri...dan tidak menghina orang lain. sebab, mak aku cakap; kalau orang yang sudah rasa diri nya hebat/cantik/semaaatt/best--akan berhenti berusaha..(sebab dia cakap; "aku tinggal menten jak ba ni") tapi orang yg sentiasa ingatkan diri nya boleh berusaha ke arah keadaan yang lebih baik--will do just that :>

argh. mungkin realitinya analogi ini tidak akan difahami. benci betul. aku tidak mampu buat anak2 faham. :|

sebab beberapa minit lepas aku terangkan itu, dua tiga sempat lagi terpekik2 dan buat lawak tidak best tp buat macam dia karakter best dalam cerita jepun/korea--nakal tapi kool..adeyhh...

waz pelupa

semenjak kemarin; aku hilang suara. mungkin sebab aku batuk dan selesma. juga stress dan penggunaan suara yang tidak afdal. mungkin juga ditambah dengan tabiat pemakanan dan peminuman yang tidak bernas.

"waz...waz..." kata *insert other people's name* sambil geleng kepala

frasa macam itu lah (dan gelengan macam itu jugak lah) yang aku asyik dengar beberapa bulan kebelakangan ni selepas hampir keseluruhan sekolah mula mengenal sikap/sifat sebenar waznah. yang buat mereka geleng kepala ada 1 paling utama: cikgu waz suka/selalu lupa.

sebenarnya: dari ingatan aku yang tidak seberapa ini, orang2 lain mengenal aku yang pelupa ini disebab kan oleh 3 kejadian kehilangan yang utama.

1. kejadian hilang kunci kereta di sekolah

2. kejadian hilang 28 buah buku latihan salah 1 kelas aku

3. kejadian hilang-----?---*refer back to opening line for this post

suara.

setiap kali ada insan yang bagi aku line : "apaaa lagi yang hilang, waz~~!!" atau "naaaa si waz niii--hilang apa lagi kauuu"... aku akan ketawa2 sikit dan beredar cepat2.

sesungguhnya, ada satu lagi benda yang slalu hilang dari aku yang orang tidak tahu pasal cikgu waz ni--dia selalu hilang keyakinan diri..selalu hilang rasa hormat diri...aku gelak, aku senyum2, belakang nanti aku nangis2. so silly; but it's what has developed for the past 25 years. im fragile. so setiap kali ada yang bagi aku line macam tadi, aku beredar cepat2 sebab aku tak mau ambil hati. aku tau semua tu gurauan dan usikan..ia bukan perkara besar...aku cepat2 buat diri bizi.

tapi kadang2 kelemahan iman dan kelemahan peribadi aku ni tercabar. macam mau buat public speaking untuk menerangkan bahawa:

ketiga2 kejadian yang disebut tadi bukannya salah aku sahaja. kejadian #1, ada insan lain mengambil kunci itu dan lupa untuk memulangkan pada aku. #2, budak2 kelas aku tidak mengkhabarkan pun bahawa mereka sudah meletakkan 28buah buku itu di luar bilik guru, di atas lantai, dengan tertera nama aku; hari jumaat hari tu aku stay back sampai petang and aku tidak melalui koridor itu lagi untuk melihat buku itu di situ..#3, sudah sakit, mau buat macamana? aku pun tidak tahu kenapa boleh sampai hilang suara. selalu ja aku makan macam2. selalu ja aku terpekik2. tapi ini sampai tak boleh keluar suara langsung tanpa sakit dan bunyi macam kucing sudah di hujung nyawa.

tambahan pula, aku rasa (correct me if im wrong) lupa ini bukan satu pilihan...i am not ignorant..aku cuba teliti dengan kerja aku. aku cuba tulis memo, bawak diary kemana2, letak calender, letak planner byk2 di sekeliling aku, tapi kadang2, aku hilang...

sesungguhnya aku sedih dan kecewa dengan diri sendiri. jadi bila orang lain mengusik dan bercanda dengan aku hal begitu, kekecewaan dan kesedihan aku itu akan bertambah2.

sungguh emo aku ini. hahahaha *beredar segera*

aku bukan lagi penyajak.

permulaan 2011 sudah semacam gila. tahun lepas, permulaan 2010 memang gila. gila menangis. gila sedih. gila bongok. syukur Alhamdulillah permulaan 2011 semacam gila juga--tapi gila gembira. walau kadang2 gila gembira nya boleh buat menangis juga.

a few weeks back, a distant friend updated his status based on the phrase by plato: "At the touch of love; everyone becomes a poet". maybe a few years back i'll agree to this...but now

I'd like to differ. my [personal ; that is] opinion is that it should goes something a little like this: at the touch of love; everyone should become more humble. it should add humility inside us.

it shouldnt be like drugs; making us soar up high and be able to jump over some moons in some other planets...makes us see only lovely things and forget the others. it shouldnt be like that.

u know y? coz its soo far from the truth. i've learned it the hard way.

just sharing--you know. love appears in a different form for me now; but it's lovely--in a different kind of way. and i'm glad for that...

and i hope; i'll find the true-esstt love of all for real one day...the one that awakens all souls with His hidayah. Oh only Allah knows how far am i from it. :(

too much of some things

1. too much of idle time

that's ridiculous. people will never have too much of idle time. it will never be enough; let alone be too much? but I think i cant stand idleness. it squeeze my sanity out of my system (if there's any). maybe that's why i half-consciously keep myself busy and a bit workaholic.

sebagai contohnya; at the moment i am at the office. i mean staffroom; in school. its midnite and we have this kem-kepimpinan..i finished my final commission (for the mean time) and i cant continue with my 'gubahan hantaran' diy at the moment due certain process. merepek jak aku ni..n i cant get myself to continue checking on students books (coz i'll totally black out at the second book) ..so i'm left with this situation where i dont have to do anything at the moment. which is a bit--weird.

n i think it's too much oredi. i know tht i hv too much idle time at the moment coz i found myself browsing through aussino's online catalog. and reminded myself of my time in welly. i bought linens (cheap ones) and changed the beddings once a month or every time i had too much of sadness

2. too much of work

dont get me wrong with number 1 [refer to above]. i am not workaholic. i am not addicted to the busy pills. coz i realized that i havent had the time to really relax and get enough sleep since the school re-opens. n i realized the most dangerous time for me now is driving. i often find myself unable to focus while driving..macam mengelamun tuh...sedar tgh drive, mata tgk depan, tapi tidak fokus. pelik ba tu. n i got butterflies in my stomach more often recently...n when i sleep late, i'll wake up early; no matter how sleepy i am...

n i'll stay awake; n be depressed if i cant get things right (no matter how simple the mistake is) or i have nothing to do...

things are weirder these days.

i hope im not losing it.