notes from a gray book (2)

"you can tell that im not in a really good mood today, coz im not wearing matching tudung n baju kurungs or my shoes for that matter..."

"you can also tell that im writing in a pretty stressed mood that i dont really care about my capital letters and punctuations and spellings.."

do you wana b that kind of girl? well, im that girl now. on one thought, i hate it. on second thoughts, i cant hate myself anymore...--im too old for that *stuff=self-loathing*.

...

dear peter...

i should be in bed now, i know. but my mood swings are back. talk about bipolar. who the heck gave it a name...anyways, weekends here. i shouldnt b lethargic anymore. im the other way around these days. my graph of emotional swings increased as the weekends approaching. instead of the usual: emotions becoming more stable as the weekdays ending ....

sometimes it feels like 2008 again. at other times it feels like 2009. maybe in conclusion, im running in circles...dont we all feel that somehow or rather.

arhh im being too negative about everything again.

last week, my school's choral speaking won second place in district level. + best conductor. and the conductor came up to me and said teacher, i couldnt do it without u... i slapped myself back to reality first (metaphorically) before i said nah, its u all along and alone. u hv the potential since the start, perhaps i just helped u to see it...thats all.

n i moved on wif my life.

but sometimes when i feel down wif my other students, i looked back to that moment n thought for a second, can i actually feel good about myself because of the conductor's statement?

i shook it off my mind.

i havent done anything. i havent done anything for these kids, this school, the society n my country as a whole. i dream big n perhaps thats my problem.

a kid changed after a few months of my teaching. was it me? another kid changed after a few times being whipped by me. was it me?

and i shook it off my mind.

how silly.

it wasnt me.

its kuasa Tuhan.

Tunjukkanlah hamba mu ini jalan yang lurus. dan ingatan yang tidak lagi putus. sungguh senang alpa. jauh nya terpesong jalan. apa. apa yang aku cari..?