Deciding to hurt and to be hurt

c3 by ~sirmadamwaffles on deviantART

Bayangkan hidup di kawasan yang tiada elektrik; pasti aku terpaksa menunggu matahari timbul sejengkal baru aku boleh mula melukis dan membuat kerja lain waktu2 begini..

I told Atik that day; that things were so much easier back then. Though I was into so much problems and troubles but I was pretty much sure of most of things. Like, I know which people I dont want to mess with, which people I want to hate, which people I want to love and which I want to be friends-with-benefit(s) with...And most of the time, I know what I wanted, I had the idea of what I wanted to be, and I (most probably) know where I wanted to go..

But that was secondary school. Nowadays, things are getting messier, nothing seems to make sense. I often feel lost, vulnerable, and no matter how I try to avoid troubles and problems they came at me like hungry monsters and that (as it seemed to me) no one else was there to be eaten by them (sedangkan semua orang pun "kena kejar and kena makan monsters")... I sometimes dont even know what and why I am doing things..

Am I just getting stupider?? Asked the bimbo me. And Atik replied, of course not (though you are a bit, waz) we're just getting older...Teenagers, though often lost in their teen-angst and darah muda yang membuak2, they have simple minds (no matter how complicated we though we were back then) that quickly judges and simply decides on things.

Now, we're older; more things are to be taken into considerations when we judge and when we decide and when we want to take actions. Things are more complicated now just because we keep more things to ourselves instead of raging things out as before; we take care of others' feelings more than the feelings we feel; and we try hard to understand things and other people rather than just demanding people to understand you like before...

So, when I decide this and that; it's for everybody's best; even if it means I 'suffer'...keep my mouth shut; and go on living like there's still tomorrow even though it might not be a tomorrow...

I just hope I'll be wiser as I get older.

oh matahari sudah di paras bahu, aku pergi dulu.