becoming irrelevant

Last published on 2nd April. Shocking. To me at least.

It seemed that the person that I know as 'my self' has been irrelevant lately. Meaning that I dont see my self as being myself for the past few weeks. No. That's not right. What I really mean is that...I put myself behind too much these days... Whatever it is that I want to do; for myself, I'll put it on hold...and I'll put my work first.

Not that I want to say that I dont really do my work willingly--dont take me wrongly, I do, I'm doing it because I want to. And I wont blame it on it either (my work); pushing me away from doing what I like. Maybe my time management and self discipline is somewhat lacking. And maybe; as I have said--the workload made my previous hobbies seemed irrelevant. When compared to my work.

I didnt take care of myself properly; thus been sick for almost 4 weeks. Checked my blood a few days ago and found out a few things are not 'quite' right. Sometimes I find myself going blank once I got home from work; due to the sudden change of environment: school=loads of work that need loads of cognitive and physical effort that also drains my emotion [changing to] home=relax (but still loads of pending work to do).

Sometimes, I can go blank/idle for a few minutes before realising that I am actually not doing anything and not even thinking. Just staring at something. Like the TV. That's just wasn't me.

At school, I could identify that I have forgotten to do something/some work/some chores if I am idle for a second. If I am not doing anything at all--then, I know, I must've forgotten something. Darn.

I am not whining; maybe I am but I'd like to think that I am not, so beat it. But I am just pushing myself to reflect on this matter. The matter of making a list of to-do's without me being in the list...

I think it's pathetic.

Moreover that for the past 4weeks I've been taking loads of medicines...my nights are shortened. I'll fall asleep a few minutes after I took my meds at 7-730pm and had to force myself to wake up at 5 in the morning.

And now...honestly...I feel that, I've lost myself, and I've lost the ability to work properly for others too. Yang di kejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran...

I need to 'reschedule' my life. Where should I start?