tidak faham

Dulu, aku masuk bidang perguruan ni ada sebab juga. Well, sort of. Sebab tersebut ialah: aku mau tolong remaja-remaja yang menghadapi masalah macam aku hadapi masalah dulu. Sebab aku rasa, masa sekolah, aku kurang dapat pertolongan. Or so I thought.

I thought that I would be able to help them as I wanted to help the past version of me. I thought I would be able to do so because I thought I would understand them as I thought that the problematic students and I walk in the same shoes.
But all those thoughts: I thought wrong…

I once again confronted one of the problematic students in class today. Two actually. Two from different classes.

In one of the cases, I could clearly see how his face was full of anger towards one of the discipline teachers who had issued a warning letter to him. And the other one; he was cold; barely showing any emotion. He couldn’t care less. He simply said; “Aku nda mau belajar suda…Malas.”

Dalam kedua-dua perbualan itu, aku terdiam dan berfikir: sesungguhnya aku tiada sedikit pun kemampuan untuk memahami remaja-remaja ini.

Keluarga kau kacau bilau? –tidak.

Hari-hari kau tidak cukup duit ka?—tidak.

Apa yang kau cari?—enjoy la,cikgu!

Kau tidak mahu ubah nasib keluar kau?—mau. Tapi aku malas.

Kenapa malas belajar?—malas la cikgu.

Sampai bila mau begini?—ntah. Sampai besok.

Why they do what they do. Why they are angry. Why they are lost. What are they searching for—I have no idea. It was totally different from back then. It was totally different from my case when I was in school. I felt helpless for I feel that I could do nothing to help. I could not make them change their minds. I could not help them to understand the perspectives of the people (teachers) that are actually scared for them.

This is the new era; of course. Even though the age gap was only 9 years; I could not barely touch their minds nor their heart. How can I be sure of that? Because they always have something to say back to me. They were adamant to stay that way. They are sure that they are at the right side of the ‘line’. They are very self-righteous.

I asked them: do you understand how fucked up your life would be in the future if you keep being like this?

Their answer is: “yes. I know.”

“That is my point. You know. But you don’t understand!.. ‘cause if you do understand it like I understand it, damn it, you’ll be scared as shit!”
Ok. Not that harsh, though. I’m a bit softer now. Haha.

Kesian anak-anak ini. Ke mana lah arah mereka nanti…