satu lagi cerita-ceriti karut

there's so many like it, you know. we thought it was different, but they all are just the same.i thought i've been through worst with one, but then i go through another one which is far worse than that so-called worst.we had ours and some will have theirs.

the stories of break ups and broken hearts.

i was browsing through my word files of things i wrote during free times but havent had the good timing to post them on my blog, and i found several posts relevant enough for today so that's why i posted three posts today.at least two of them are complete.

here's one that i think is relevant but it was not quite finished.i dont want to continue writing it now coz i will have different mood today than the mood i was in when it was actually first written which is around late October last year. time...hm..

anyway, just something to share. hope everyone who stops by can learn something or anything from this.

Writing is never an easy thing to do. I can take my memories and experience and describe it in my mind and say it through my lips to you. I can steal the words from a book, a song or from you. But at the end of the day, I still cant write you the things that I think I wanted to tell you. Simply because writing is never an easy thing to do or perhaps because I never really understand what I really should or want to tell you.
Things are not easier now that you’re gone. I can say I can survive this. I can laugh my days through and cry my nights when the town becomes silent. I can bury the memories deep down my own skin. I can scream my lungs out every time I find myself unable to contain the yearning. But at the end of the day I still want you—which is never an easy thing to do. Simply because wanting you is hard and it has become harder now that you’re gone.
There just have to be a reason why He sent you to me. There just have to be a reason why He put me in your way or you in my way. And yes I do believe that the heart of life is good. So, the reasons must have been good reasons. No matter how awful the heartache is, I should understand that there must be a good reason for all of this to happen. I must understand there are some good things to take from this and learn from it. I just h

well that's about it...

that time, i was searching for reasons. i was calming myself down. but i could not continue writing it. i was heartbroken and i was confused and i was lost and i was alone. and i know many of us have gone through this, but i hope by sharing this i could give another view of just another story.

yang dikendong

Katakan kita ada watak A.

A pergi ke gerai beli makanan –nasi campur untuk makan tengah hari. A angkat pinggan, taruk nasi, taruk beberapa lauk macam biasa.

A basuh tangan, duduk, tadah tangan dan baca doa. Tangan A suda pegang nasi, pegang lauk. Tonyoh, tonyoh. Baru hendak sua di mulut, telefon berbunyi.

Bos telefon. Urgent meeting. Kalau tak sampai pigi pejabat dalam masa 5 minit, “aku buang ko kerja!” bilang si boss. Jarak masa antara gerai dengan pejabat memang pass-pass 5 minit.

Mau tapau, malu. Nasi sudah ditonyoh-tonyoh. A tinggalkan saja nasi ‘nya.

Tadi dia pikir itu suda rezeki ‘nya. Dia yakin sudah dia akan kenyang sebab lauk nampak sedap; baru, banyak diambilnya itu lauk-lauk. Pastu dia pikir-pikir lagi “adui na...aku suda bayar lagi tu”.

Aku lalui situasi yang hampir sama beberapa kali. Betapa lapar nya aku, aku kadang-kadang marah saja bila pikir aku sepatutnya dapat makan nasi yang aku sudah bayar sebab aku cakap itu hak aku, itu rezeki aku.

Tapi situasi ni la yang banyak ajar aku, walau macam mana yakin kita tentang sesuatu, mesti ada saja kemungkinan lain yang boleh langgar keyakinan kita tu.

Nasi itu bukan rezeki aku. Biarpun aku suda bayar, aku suda duduk, dan aku sudah hampir sua nya kemulut.

Makanan itu bukan rezeki aku.

Sama juga dengan benda-benda lain, yang aku yakin terikat sudah di tangan aku. Aku ikat simpul mati. Aku yakin tidak akan terlepas dari jari jemari ku. Tapi kalau sudah Dia katakan ‘bukan untuk aku’, yang aku ikat itu boleh saja berguguran terlepas dari tangan aku. Siapa lah aku untuk marah dan katakan itu sebenarnya hak aku, rezeki aku, kepunyaan aku? Tiada sesiapa. Aku bukan siapa-siapa. Jadi aku ada hak kah untuk marah?

perubahan dan anjakan

Life is about changing. Changing needs catalyst and the word catalysts here refers to something that can challenge us—and a challenge here refers to something that is so bizarre, it moves you. For me, that definition suits heartaches’ definition pretty well (and some other bunch of words, but I’d chose this one this time). So yes, life needs heartaches to constantly change; for life to evolve; for us to move.

And another fact: after all these while I was told that no matter how our fate is written on stones, we still have our say in however we end up as; that we still have choices in life—I think I understand that better now. That concept is too complex for me, you see, it’s half way contradictory to itself. But yea, I think I got it... a bit...
So which evolutionary path that you take?—for better or for worse—you choose.

Though sometimes, change does not take place directly as the cause of our own actions. But we still have to move along to survive.

Consider:
I was living my life as normal; I was comfortable with my routines because I would know how my days end. And so I was minding my own business, doing my old and fine routine, but because of someone else’s deeds, I can’t watch my favourite TV series, on my favourite couch, with my hot choc, in my favourite mug, after a long day at work because Sally (my secretary) forgotten to pay my bills this time because her cat just died after being fed some poisoned by some kid living next door to Sally, and she only remembered about it when I called her after I realized that there’s not one channel that appeared on the screen as I pushed all the buttons on my remote control.
Should I blame that kid? Or Sally for being silly about her dead cat?
But then again—that’s just the catalyst for some change.

Now Sally has to find a new cat or some kind of new pet. Or a hobby? And she also has to go to the kid’s parents to settle some ground rules about the new cat and about behaving, maybe. Meanwhile, I have to consider not putting too much trust on Sally by checking out with her every time I let her pay my bills. Or I can pay them myself. And NO... I don’t have to fire Sally...though for a moment there I was considering to do so. *Mind you, that is a really, really important season finale for that series.

menjangka betapa tingginya langit

Let’s talk about expectations. This entry is somehow dedicated to 2 friends of mine who said expectations sucks.

Here goes.
Expectations.
Those two persons told me time and again that people should not have expectations in life coz it will only shatter your heart to pieces.
I thought hope will. What’s the difference, anyway, between these two words?
Well, let’s assume that there’s no difference. Both nouns share the same meaning—somewhere near ‘thinking and feeling that something should happen as the result of some effort or something similar’. I totally made that up. Maybe the difference between these two is the degree of how much we are sure that something will happen as the result of blablabla. Which only to me means that hope’s sureness is of course lower than expectation’s.
Consider:

1. I expect that I will pass this test! (because a.i think I have studied hard enough and smart enough or b.the test is too easy, demit… or c.i knew the answers; I cheat) Or..i expect that I will fail this test! Because I don’t study at all.
2. I hope that I will pass this test… (because…well, I don’t know…I just hope I will pass it…)

See my point??
Anyway, yeah, I know, they totally have different meanings just that I am too lazy to look it up n the dictionary. I wouldn’t look words up for assignments, why should I do for this sort of crap…

So. I say: having expectations does not suck. Even if it does, it does not suck too much to be claimed that it sucks. What I mean is, having expectations is just the same as other concepts. It has its negative sides and positive sides too. We need to have them; it will bring us crappy times, but still, we sure do need to have expectations.

Situation 1. Emma is a girl who seldom has any expectations on herself and what she wants from her life. She cannot see where she wants herself to be in, for example, 10 years from now. In fact, she cannot see herself in whatever conditions but the conditions she is currently in even for next year. Though she is not exactly happy in her currently crappy life, she was too comfortable to make an effort to change. She was not expecting anything from her future but the same old farting routine. Hey, wait a minute. So she does have expectations but she expects something unproductive, unmotivating and pathetically self-pitying expectations that her life will continue like that no matter what she do—because subconsciously, she was too comfortable (??)

I am lost.
Let’s look at the
Situation 2. Lars is a cartoonist—an artist. Wait, maybe a writer. No..no… let’s stick to artist. Well, artists usually bump into really serious emotion-sucking problems that they sometimes found themselves in really deep-shit situations with their inner-self. So does Lars. See, Lars is a professional. Though he’s in the state of previously stated deep-shit situation, he still tries to meet up with his deadline for his cartoon strips for the next comic magazine issue. But as he held his pen, and started to draw, he found himself not satisfied with his work even before finishing it up first. So he crumbled his scraps without second thoughts. One by one. Until the deadline came, he had nothing. So he came up with “I have an artist’s block” excuse.

Maybe he did have that block. But actually, what stands between him and finishing his scraps? Having too high of an expectations on himself. Even before he finishes one work, he decides that it is not good enough. Even before he finishes drawing a line on that white paper, he can foresee that it will not turn out as good as he wants it to be.

Situation 3. Nine Inch Nails is a great band. I mean, a great sort of one-man-band band… erm..whatever. Trent is a great musician. That’s more I like it! So, with every previous albums are more than fulfilling my need of creative and energetic sound, I expect highly of his (then) new GHOST album (when it came out in NIN website. So, I bought it online and wait it to come to me like a pizza delivery at times when I was totally top-notch hungry. And when I type in my details for buying that CD, I have this certain expectations in my head, of how awesome it will be.

And it turned out to be—
REALLY AWESOMMEEE!! But my point is, it is totally not as I have expected even though there are a few pre-released tracks in their website as samples, but I was expecting something different. Though it turned out differently from my expectations, I was more than happy!—because it exceeds beyond my original expectations.

Herm…maybe this example of a situation is not good. Perhaps it is better to use “Viva La Vida” as an example. I don’t expect Coldplay to come up with something like that—and I totally despise them for that record; at first… but after a few listens, I think I can handle it. I still love them.

Or maybe it is better to use “Kid A” and “Amnesiac” as examples for failing everyone’s expectations after the creation of “OK Computer”. But though it failed people’s expectations, it has brought Radiohead to a different level of my (and many others’) respect, love and loyalty.
I am starting to get out of my topic.

So let’s reflect on these three different situations. *took a few minutes to read back again and again what have I typed ...having doubts...*

So situation 1 shows how by having too low of expectations, we can be very pathetic and static in life. Situation 2 shows that by having to high of expectations, we can also be pathetically static and unproductive. Situation 3 shows, I have somewhat the right level of expectations which resulted in me being overwhelmed with something extraordinary!

Well, considering situation 1 and 2, maybe having expectations sucks. Too high and then you drop—free-fall style. Too low and you would not have the motivation to make any effort. Consider: I do THISSSSS much of an effort because I expect I CAN reach THIS much of an achievement. Or: I do just this/ I don’t do anything at all because I expect I WONT reach anywhere, anyhow.

Tsk... at least I try to explain that having expectations does not suck. I try to explain that we need to have the right degree of expectations to move forward in our lives, that with expectations we can work things out for improvement through communication. And I want to explain that by having expectations we are not wrong—it is just our nature to have expectations after doing the same routine, or going the same route of life, or by looking at things through the behaviourist theory, it is just normal to have expectations.

Now that I fail to convince even myself that having expectations does not suck, I hereby declare that, I also believe that having them sucks. Or if perhaps it is true that it is inevitable to have expectations, we can try to moderate how high our expectations are. So that we can ‘fly’, but we should not ‘fly’ too high that we exceed the limit of the sky where there is no air to breath and we could die.
Moderation.

Let's take another example--couple X: girl needs certain things, girl expects boy to provide. Boy says that he's not really the guy who always provide those certain particularly things that girl needs, so boy expects girl not to demand, boy expects girl to understand. But because of this fact they always fight their heads off. Yet couple X love each other. They want to be together. So even though both girl and boy have their own expectations, through communication, they can improve their relationship by finding some point that they can satisfy both expectations. For example, girl demands less of what she needs, and boy provide as much as he can to girl.
Moderation.

berlari-lari anak

Kalau aku cakap aku baran, aku mau state-kan juga aku bukan proud untuk tahap baran aku. Tapi aku baran. Dan situasi aku di sini buat aku agak susah untuk melepaskan amarah yang kadang2 datang membuak-buak. Dan bila adrenalin rush tu, aku slalu amek jalan keluar mudah.

Jadi aku fikir, dah lebih sebulan aku tak update blog sbb aku rasa, aku tade topic yg cukup bagus untuk aku share—not that this (anger management?) is a good topic, I just thought it’s worthy to share since I feel like there are others who struggle to find some good ways to manage that extra energy.

When we’re tensed up with problems, stressed out with work, tired with emotional-draining issues—wait3.. I mean…when AI-AMM tensed, stressed, tired.. I sort of have this feeling like there’s this big gray and heavy cloud hanging up on my head. Everything feels so wrong and sad and empty… but then I am still able to run around hyper3ly, talk like there’s no tomorrow, and when I eat sometimes my hands are too shaky to shred that chicken meat from its bones…and when I confront or stumbled upon some problem, I immediately feel this rush…such rush…its amazing—that rush—tsk…then my body will tremble really badly…

Kadang2 aku boleh rasa yang aku stressed tapi aku tataw the reason pun. Bila orang tanya kenapa, aku cuma boleh jawab: aku tataw/aku tak pasti..sebab itu la sejujur2nya jawapan. Kadang2 aku cuma me-rasa…rasa sesuatu for no good reason, no explanation—I just feel them no-good-feelings.

Selalunya, aku throw a tantrum. Aku nangis. Aku buang2 barang. aku sepah kan satu bilik. Aku jerit3. Tapi di sini, di masa ini, semua tu macam mustahil (tp kdg2 aku buat jugak). jadi, like I mentioned before, I took the easy way out. I hurt myself. I feel the pain and only then that the thoughts rush in; pushed out the energy; n voila—I calmed myself down.

That was how I dealt with my anger.

Tapi sekarang, kerana tangan semakin kronik, dan dia—aku tau aku perlukan jalan lain.

Jog.

Simple betul. Tapi aku perasan my view of jogging sudah berubah. Kalau dulu, aku mau bakar lemak, aku mau naik tangga tanpa terchungap2. Sekarang, aku mau rasa the rush. The real rush.

Situasi nya: aku lari tanpa henti sampai aku lupa yang aku tengah lari. Tak kira laju ka, slow ka, lama ka, sekejap ka, yang aku tau aku lari sampai aku lupa yang aku tengah lari. Aku lari sampai aku aku tak boleh bernafas guna hidung saja. Buat masa ni, itu bermaksud lari tanpa henti untuk 30 minit. Not impressive, I know. But that’s not the point.

The point is, when I finally decided to stop, I feel this sudden rush of blood to my whole body. Macam terangkat.macam terbang.kaki macam tak jejak tanah sekejap. And it just feels so0o0o amazing. Perasaan tu sama macam makan wasabi—bukan perasaan terbang, tapi perasaan terkejut—that rush!! That’s the rush!!

Perbezaan jogging dengan bermain sports ialah aku tak perlukan my thinking to be occupied by abiding the rules or by strategies of games or by chasing ball(s) or by trying to communicate with others in the game. oleh itu, jogging bagi aku ruang untuk biarkan fikiran2 bodoh aku mengalir macam air peluh masam yang aku hasilkan dan biarkan fikiran2 itu terlepas keluar dari badan macam haba yang buat aku rasa badan aku mengembang.

And then of course after that awesome jog, balance kan lah dengan: balik bilik, cool down, mandi, dan balik pada Dia.

Dan mungkin, bila aku fikir balik, all I need is to really feel physically tired. Sebab—maybe—there is that connection, you know… bila physical kita tak penat, tapi mentally dan emotionally kita penat, ada satu ke-tidak-seimbang-an yang terjadi. Itu yang buat kan semuanya lebih complicated. Buat semua kacau. Jadi aku tekad, apa pun terjadi, aku perlu satu slot masa dalam hari-hari ku untuk memenatkan diri semaksimum yang mungkin dengan jogging (mungkin ada aktiviti lain yang sama sifat nya dengan jogging tapi i cant think of any right now). And before I forget to mention this—the key is to do something a little bit extra from what you perceive as your limit. Push yourself a little bit further but not too far that you injure yourself.

Tapi aku bukan tunjukkan betapa aku sudah bagus dalam mengerjakan rutin ini. Aku baru mau masuk 2 minggu buat kerja ni. Mungkin juga, beberapa hari akan datang, aku akan submit to my true trait—hangat2 tahi ayam. Tapi ini satu-satunya yang buat aku rasa produktif sekarang. Dengan keadaan aku tidak mampu melukis, menulis, tiada ilham, expectations terhadap diri sendiri yang terlalu tinggi, dengan fasa menemukan dua set of lego blocks yang berbeza tapi sama/sama tapi berbeza (which btw is never easier even after so much so-called-experience), dengan rasa hitam dan putih yang bertukar2 dengan laju—aku memang perlukan ‘nya. Dan aku harap aku dapat buat ‘nya dengan lebih baik.

Lagi satu, aku mau bila aku pulang, ada satu hati yang bilang “it’s okay”.