thought disorder

I just got home from--well, somewhere, and I sat here in my 'office' to continue on my latest piece since 930pm. almost an HOUR past and the piece is still lying there at the corner of my table with the pencil case neatly 'sitting' on it like a quit dog.

I always get distracted. Hey, in this world full of everything, who arent distracted? If everyone isnt distracted by what they are suppose to do, everyone'd be --------

im distracted again. my point is, yes, i always am distracted by the little things while i should be doing some other things. A few weeks ago I came up to this read while browsing what might have caused all the heavy and endless migraines I have been having since 13 years old (which is getting more serious these few months). SO i came up with this conclusion that people like me and my big boss are seriously having this disorder.

OKay. I am also a mild drama queen so maybe this is just similar to the phase when i totally believed that i suffer from mild depression and ....

...

so, waz....When you have tooooo much in your head that you wanted to let it all out; write it down. doodle it. scratch it on woods for GOD's sake and find what is it that you really wana talk about. WHAT MATTERS THE MOST in your point? then, get it rearrange, rewrite it, and then talk about it.

i guess, most of the people with serious thought disorder dont have much time to do all that rearranging process. We have too much things in our head that the process will take tooo longgggg that we just give it up in the middle; and considered it another pointless pursuit...

and so; at the end of the day, it's either we'll be this quit person that goes hyper with all those things in her/his head or be the other person who will talk endlessly; beating around the bush until the train of thoughts finally has a ending.

ENVY

I think I need to be more observant; and in the same time be more expressive too. coz People said that good artists are good observers; and People also said that being expressive of who we really are is going to make us different than others.

So I come up with a nice little equation: GOOD OBSERVER + MORE EXPRESSIVE OF SELF = good 'artist'..

BUt then again, it's not as easy. Always the case.
I just want it to happen.
Overnight?
OKAY.
It's a process.
Just be something; waz.. rather than keep on being envious of others life and talent.

Meanwhile

Weirdly funny: HERE. I have to admit; it's true. Well, at least in my case. Everywhere I turn, everyone I See, every life I know, I feel envy. It's ***i lack vocabulary***. Maybe that is why I choose not to buy magz, or watch too much tiviii, or listen to too much stories,...

This envy thing's making me narrow-minded. I've been narrow minded since the day I taught myself to be too envious. Blergh. Sunday morning blues. Horrible weekend, by the way. I can't figure out what I wanted; let alone figuring out what other people want of me. Tough problem. Tougher than maths, I'll say.

SOmetimes I feel I'm JACK. Being a jack of all trades sucks big time. 'coz you'll b a master of NONE; and that sucks--being a jack.

Sometimes I just got so ooo inspired that I go bodo and blank.

Remembering our Similarities & Arguing about our Differences

I hate to use this as my first topic for my first entry after the long hiatus. But hating HATE is the reason why I should do it anyway.

Hatred

Hate is one essential part of our feeling as human beings. We can’t get rid of that feeling. When we hate something we tend to get the feeling that we need to express it and show it and tell it to that someone or something how much we hate it… There’re many sources of hate. Much of it caused when we concentrate too much on differences. Sometimes, we argue too much based on our differences. For example, in Malaysia;

1. We argue on how our slangs are different based on states. Why can’t we remember that we are talking the same language
2. We argue that we are born in different states and thus are called ‘sabahans’, ‘orang sarawakians’, ‘orang Johorians’ up until the point that we fight childishly when we are actually living under one roof of MALAYSIA
3. We argue based on our differences of beliefs ..cultural, political and religious differences…when actually, all of our basic instincts as human wants to search of Good things and hindrance of the Bad things…

Arguments n Arguing

On the other hand, arguments and arguing are very essential. I hate if my students don’t argue, or at least have an argument for some statements/issues/topics for any lesson…Arguments show that we are thinking. We are challenging something. We are improving.

But when it causes hatred and brings out the worst in us; it’ll be counterproductive. It will show that we are silly, absurd, not thinking—It’s like throwing spits around aimlessly; firing without aiming—and you’ll end up killing someone, if you know what I mean. As much as we love arguing and "trying to bring out the truth", can't we argue ‘nicely’ and be a bit civilized? Hurmm L

Haters and Their Arguments on the Internet

or anywhere else for that matter

So... When A and B are fighting, cursing each other (or each others' groups), ridiculing whatever they can about each other; what makes them different? Their different arguments and their arguments of their differences. What makes them similar? Their silliness for acting so childish; bergaduh memaki hamun di internet...

Mudah-mudahan aku dijauhkan dari perkara seperti ini. Oh Lord, please make us sound people with great minds to argue about our differences in good manners for the betterment of each other...Ada sebab kenapa orang tua asyik cakap: Bersatu kita teguh.

Quick power-up

Angin malam bawa ilham mungkin. Tapi aku akui sejak seminggu ini aku punya semangat baru. Betul janji Tuhan. Semua ada hikmah. Cuma perlu sabar.

Ini punya semangat; semangat yang aku sendiri temui. Dalam gelap gelita, mata aku mengenal warna sebenar dunia. Bila sudah terang, rupanya warna-warna itu lebih indah. Terima kasih Sang Pencipta.

Mudah-mudahan semangat ini berkekalan. Setidak-tidaknya lebih lama berbanding semangat2 lepas.