i think theyre like placebos. u believe in their ability to heal u that u are "healed"--from what sickness u cant be sure urself--. but its actually not because of the placebo *disguised as the best medicine*, but because of ur own believe in them. believing them to be saviors of ur broken life, ur broken mind, ur broken heart... believing that they can mend everything... believing that u are a broken thing that can be fixed.
but i am not broken. i dont need fixing. and you are not like them.
u r different. ure new.
hurm...my memory is getting worse. more words are dissapearing. i have hard time to talk because i cant finish most of my sentences coz there are usually gaps in them..gaps where words i think i know should fill them but i cant recall these words...i cant recall them in english nor in malay. but i know what these words do. i know what they mean. i got the feeling i know. but i cant...just cant remember. sometimes i just give up trying to talk. i abandone the topics all together. at times, im lucky, i can change the words, i beat around the bush, n if im more lucky, i can deliver the message, if im less lucky, people dont get wat i really mean, but i think they get the point. if im not lucky at all, ppl will laugh at me.
but whats sad is that when im with some certain people, people who i really want to talk to, really really important people, that i have things that i wana tell them, really really important things, it gets really tough. i lost words, sometimes i stutter, sometimes i just have to forget everything that i wana say just because ive forgotten some words, n that hurts if what i wana say is really important to a really important person.
well...at least i still have the high frequency words in my memory. though sometimes, writting is getting harder coz i still cant cope with the spelling...my GOD im 22...i still cant write/type video w/o thinking twice. *i just type v--e--and then backspace...think twice..then type v---i--d--e..n then i think it looks better so it must be right*
the thing abt short message service *kan?* (sms), its a gud thing for me...i can avoide spelling..sometimes, if i cant remember the words exactly, i can avoid talking/texting w/o appearing stupid *compared to conversing face-to-face*...i can be in the toilet or in a meeting or in a library or in a class n then i totally forget to reply the sms. or, if i have atik beside me, i can ask her, or try to say anything, something, n then she'll try to guess the word, if i got the word, i cant type it then...heh--the advantage of delayed response in conversing.similar to chatting, emailing..heh
hm.
actually im procrastinating. there's a test next friday. n i should be baking something right now. but there r butterflies in my stomach. n i cant turn my speakers on coz there r still ppl in this house. theyre going out later i think. im not going. i dont feel like going out. not feeling so well. my head, my throat. but hey..wait a minute... i havent been having migraines for a long time, have i?...waaaa...my heads surely so high among the clouds these days that i cant get any migraines eh..hahaha ye2 jeh..nanti skali dapat padan muka...but i still have small headaches...i try to avoid taking medications with these small headaches...just a few days ago i took panadols.
i was thinking about time, u know...how much time does it need to know someone...blekh..thats subjective. what do i mean about knowing someone. the name? the age? or perhaps, whats the favourite music, who are the siblings if any? or....maybe...whats the normal reaction in times like these? or how he have different kinds of laughter for different kinds of things to laugh at? and the time...should we count on days, hours, minutes, seconds? u can spend years with someone n still not 'know' them...n so i think its save to say the other way arnd like mm u can spend a minute or two with someone n 'know' them pretty well...
uve been living for years, i think u have experienced moments like that..
for example...never mind.
what important is that what u make me feel. i dont really care about the whole world as long as ure with me, but u make me care for the whole world.. hm... paham x?? that suppose to be a good thing la..did it came out as a good thing? did that sound ok? hm try metafora laen plak...cam.. hmm..aku kene beli tepung nieh... kene cepat siap kan entry ni..aaa..metafora laen...ahhhh~!! tak kesah a~ yang penting nye... laen.. semua laen.. tapi semua sama...i mean...ahhhh...
damn. im happy. :D hahahahhahahaha
as u can see, this entry is not coherent too..hm..blekh..
puff! u r dismissed~beli tepung dulu.nt merepek lagi.
