scene one:
i was surfing on the internet.browsing thru some random pics of ppl.reading sum comments.i found something i thot was a lil funny so i laugh a bit..n then i sort of 'push' my laugh till i laugh n laugh thinking how the thing wasnt actly funny but i need the laugh n then the laugh wasnt abt the thing anymore but it was a laugh for the laugh tht was caused by the desperate need of a laugh.
scene two:
Iman (my nephew) was very 'good' with technology. he can push buttons n click on mouses. he likes to sit with me with my lappy n mess with the arrows on the keyboard.so i opened a folder containing some of my pics from the welly days n let Iman push the up, down, left, right keys; changing from one pic to another.n then we came upon a very meaningful pic.
i laughed at first. remembering the story behind it n the conversation i had with someone while looking at tht pic. Iman laughed too coz i was laughing. he just likes to imitate ppl. n then my laughter faded n it was instantly changed to sadness.or was it too much yearning?--i covered my face coz i just realized tears were alredi streaming down my face.
Iman stopped laughing too maybe coz he didnt hear me laughing nomore. he looked up to me and sed "tee...tee...(auntie)" in a really small n soft voice (which is unusual for Iman). i put my hands down. i looked at him.n he opened his hands n he hugged me (on my neck actually) n pet me on my back. "ngisshh..ngishh (nangis), tee..tee.." n we just kept quiet for awhile before i shutdown my lappy n go downstairs.i cant look at thm pictures nomore at tht moment.
Iman is 2+ years old.i think.
i felt: kosong.
hm
currently i am jump-reading. three books. one called leaning towards infinity. another is (still) Alice's adventures in wonderland+through the looking-glass.n another one is a random book i found under my brother's bed--no porn mag down thr apparently--its called mystery of the five bright keys. hihi sometimes i found myself reading through the words, flipping through pages, but actually am not following th story cuz my mind is sumwer else.the words JUST DONT FORM STORIESSS ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
hurm.
the problem with being at home is that, i am someone else. well, technically, i am--ME, this someone else IS ME, coz she IS A PART OF ME...but damn it! i cant really do what i want, say what i want, n ..u know wat i mean~
i cant keep quiet.i cant daydream.mommy will think something is wrong with me.she'll think im unhappy.i can not NOT eat. i cannot NOT sleep. i cannot puff my thoughts away *3 days clean*. i cannot komplen abt life, mom will laugh at my complaints coz ofkos for a person like her n the things tht she went thru, my life is not anywer near as tuf as hers.
i hv to apear hepi, hv no personal problems, no bad habits. i cannot show that i am unhappy, thus i cannot BE unhappy.in a way i think, that just makes me more stressd.wat i can do, however, is to run around n jump around like monyet, make cat sounds, laugh my head off, go manja2 with mom, ask her to comb my hair, scream at the top of my lungs with iman, be his horse, make him fly, be his monster, dance with him n appear as happy as i can which in a way release sum stress. dont get me wrong, i am happy. i am happy to be with my family (actually only half of my family left). but, demmit...i cant get myself to let go some things okay...n im still learning some new skills too (like: not following your heart all the time) which sometimes stress me out.so..lalala.tak bleyh impulsive da.tak bleyh follow my intuition da.tak bleyh..tak bleyh...
on th other hand, eventho i can act like those semonyet yg boleyh, i still hv to apear mature enuf so i can mara2 my sis when she come home late ke, or give mom my opinion abt my brothers ke, or abt our household's economy ke, i hv to appear yakin with my opinions decisions blablabla...really contrary these two characters eyh. so when i go to my room, lock the door, lay down on the bed...i feel...empty...i dun have anyone to tell exactly how i feel.
who cares how i feel anyway.no one.no.one.
thats childish tho, i think, to hope for someone to care abt how one really feels.isnt it?
i realize i got my writing momentum back.perhaps its becoz its another way i can channel my thoughts, stress n watever.other thn those physical acts.
tumoro i hv to start wif my drawing too. 2+ months since the last artwok i think.n abg rom dah tanye2 y i was 'silent' oredi.hurm.
wat ever happened to tht power-supplier? i hv no idea.
its sad, aint it, to realize, tho life isnt just abt us ourselves, we still are alone at the end of th day...okay maybe its not sad..its just..that..fact.
im learning to let go.
wait. that is not letting go.
maybe..its more..like...im learning to ..something...amm..
tsk.
watever it is, I AM LEARNING SOMETHING.
so just give me more time.
my two years in welly. its funny. all those things tht ive gone thru, i put em in my past..put it all behind me..n wen i look back..everything was dark, every face was unclear..except that face..that face in thm crowd is all tht matters....wait..its in my past so it shld go lyke tht face in thm crowd was all tht mattered. past tense. past.
watever happened?
a fren said tht, i can change. i just need tyme. or maybe a miracle.
wif th look of it at the moment, i think i found my miracle. miracle in this context isnt something beautiful.not something fairy-ly hepi.not something bright, shiny, happy, or wat.but it is neither shitty nor fakap.
it is only one small fact. (which im not gona tell u coz telling u require me to tell the other exciting story of my life which i bet everyone wants to hear *yakin je aha* n yes i do wana tell everyone *uhu, uhu*, its just tht i hv neither the guts nor the full-understanding of the whole situation myself to be able to tell them, but i'd just say i wont tell coz i don wan to, to avoid the need of an extended n uncut explanation)
that small fact.
which becomes the bBBIIIGGG push.
n the BIIIGGG Slap on the face.
voila.my miracle.
nomore excuses. nomore leaning towards the infinity.*hv to read tht book to understand what infinity represent other than the infinite value in mathematics*
all this crap-- i can change my mind abt em tumoro, u know..fak..
dammmnnniittt~!!! there's a small moth in my coffee!! wen did it gt there??? kesian drown.but MY COFFEEEE!!!! tak sempat nak habis kan!!
that put aside, if u havent noticed, all those crap uve read is only there to show tht: i cant deny how much i am still deeply, stupidly, unrealistically, irrationally, fakaply--in--love.
thank you and good night.