revised: "aku lelaki"

Here's a poem I wrote back in 2008 I think. It was from the old blog but I decided to revise it and publish it here.

Aku lelaki yang berdiri

Aku pula lelaki yang sentiasa menoleh kebelakang ketika berjalan kehadapan

Aku pula lelaki yang melihat langit dan laut
kerana jika tidak, aku akan lupa betapa kerdilnya aku

Aku lelaki yang berlidah

Aku pula lelaki yang bagaikan burung merak;
tahu aku jantan lawa, sisa kan saja si betina

Aku pula lelaki yang merasa perlunya peneman ketika aku perlu bersandar kerana lelah
tetapi tidak ingin peneman di waktu lain
kerana bila aku tidak lelah aku mau berjalan bebas,
tidak perlu peneman sudah yang kemudiannya menjadi beban

Aku lelaki yang bertopeng

Aku lelaki yang ketawa kerana cuma merasakan bahawa ia perlu
Aku pula lelaki yang menangis dibelakang tabir dan di sebalik bayang-bayang

Aku lelaki yang gagah kerana berdindingkan tebal disekelilingku
Tapi aku lelaki yang tidak tahu siapa sebenarnya yang boleh meruntuhkan dinding ini

Aku lelaki yang berbaju

Aku lelaki yang segak berjalan kerana yakin
Aku pula lelaki yang kata-katanya tajam kerana aku tahu ia benar

Aku adalah lelaki yang seperti malam, seperti siang, seperti betopeng, seperti dia.
Aku adalah lelaki yang berkayuh sampan, dan memikul senapang.

Aku lelaki yang lupa

Aku lelaki yang pulang kepada Dia yang mengingatkan aku pada aku
Tapi aku adalah si polan yang hilang namanya kerana dia.

Percaya pada Pancar Hati dan Dia

I miss making dog related jokes..hahah But the message brought by this photo is NO JOKE! Because, yes , it's true. It is so important that you always remember this:

...THAT YOU'RE AWESOME!

But let's not get carried away, fellas. To be sincerely awesome is to actually be humble. Though you are so awesome in whatever sense you believe yourself to be (God, you are unbelievably narcissistic), remember that you are, in fact, flawed in so many ways (naturally) and that there is always this extra way to better yourself.

self esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect

confidence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities

End note: Bersederhanalah dalam apa juga.

being too inwardly focused

Been working on a long piece about depression. Still considering of making a site for it instead. But I don't know.

A few hours on the writing (for today, it's been 4 days already) then, while reading something more about depression I got this phrase stuck in my head:

..being too inwardly focused.

Yes. That's it. That is exactly why we can't survive a heartache normally. That is why we can't make through that cloudy day without hurting ourselves. That is why we can't cope with that sadness.

Because I was being too inwardly focused. I think too much about my heartaches, what I can't do anymore now that my heart is broken; what had happened to me and why it shouldn't have happened or why something else should have happened instead; how this or that person is to be blamed for what had happened to me; how I am stupid but everyone else is stupider; how I deserves this or I don't deserve that; how life is not fair to me.

Even when I know that He who created this life and this world is All-fair and Most-Just...? Even when I know my knowledge and my reasoning; my thoughts, my calculation, my interpretation, my contemplation of which is better or which is not--would never enough to reach and understand His real plan?

Tsk...

So, where was I?

O yeah. Being too inwardly focused. So, the conclusion is simple. We turn it around; and be focused outwardly too? How is that? Beats me. But here is a suggestion:

A Day in The Life of a Boy by ~mlauritano on deviantART

I've written something about imagination a few weeks back, I think. But I have to babble about it again: Imagination and creativity in thinking is something so powerful that it can help us to NOT be too inwardly focused. Because we soar pass the boundaries of our own life bubble.

Keep ourselves busy with something else. Do things we enjoy. Appreciate what we have instead of hoping to have what we don't. Remember that we are here and what had happened are all because there's a bigger power than anyone of us.

If the black cloud is blocking the sun from us, we soar pass that. If the rain's too heavy, we'll soar pass that to caves, to houses, to places we can keep warm; wait till the sun shines again and there'll be the rainbow. Awwww....

Then we can see a wider picture of things around us and the happenings that happened to us. We can see that this (ALL this, though how little 'everything' is actually) is so much more to be taken for granted by being sad all the time and by hurting yourself in ways normal people wouldn't think of.

Even if being happy requires conscious effort for me...
I want to be happy.

--------------------------------------------------

Just like this kid here. I witness her ability to imagine. She talks her own language, she tells stories *bersungguh-sungguh* She plays on her own just as if she has this whole world that we, the adults, could not see...

10 steps back to yourself

I didn't initially planned it to be this way, it just turned out like this; this entry. Therefore, the pictures might not really explain what I crap about exactly, but hewl, just get along with it. It doesn't matter anyway.

HOW TO KNOW YOURSELF BETTER
1. Have friends. Have lots of friends. It doesn't matter you only know them through the internet, or you only say hi! to them once or twice a day at work.

2. Have closer friends. A bunch of them. These ones say more than hi! of course.

3. Be with these people at times when you feel like it. Share jokes, stories, gossips, advices, reminders. Whatever. It's important to 'see' and 'know' about other people in order to know yourself better.



4. Have a 'closest friend' or two. Talk to these type of friends; let them know the deepest side of you. Your past, your mistakes, your ups and your downs in life, your awfulness but they're okay with it. They don't judge, they don't criticize, they just help you to realize things. They take care of your heart more than they care about the-so-called-reality, but they will help you see that reality.




5. Have time for yourself, when you think you need them. But be okay with it. Don't feel lonely; then it'll be a contradiction. Make sure you are not harmful to yourself when you do this.

6. Always reconnect with your family, your passion, your love, your roots and most of all your spiritual side. It's #1 priority: The One.



6. Try to know what you really want, what you really need, try to know what you like. And try to know why you like/need/want them. Try to relate.



7. Go to places you like and love. Go places you never been to. Go anywhere.



8. Be thankful. You won't know yourself if you are not thankful for what you have. You keep on wanting something else, you'll only get to know that self that you wish you are with the things you wish you have.

9. Make changes, go against the current sometimes, go weird, make a difference. Challenge yourself. Have enemies for reasons you know for sure.

10. If you find yourself in deep shit, and of which makes you think twice about whether you know yourself or not; you just have to think hard, ponder hard, go find answers and see things from different perspectives. So repeat all steps from #1.





You do realize this is crap, right?

Distractions: menantikan penempatan

I really need something to distract myself, you know. Change is good. Change is nice. Waiting is not, though. It kills slowly; the more you wait, the more you become anxious. But oh well. It's just about time walking; it was never slow or fast. It was always about us, really. If you know what I mean. There's nothing we can do about it.

Except: distractions.

Every decision is pending. All options seem so blurry. It's like life has to wait for this letter/news. Well, life do has several transition phases. And this sure aint the first one. So why am I so nervous? But of course. We're not 17 going on 18 anymore.



Fear is something good. It makes us alert. To a certain extent, of course. We just have to make sure we're not paralyzed by it.