pakcik's slow progress:
been a long time since i submitted any artwork on dA. so here goes. click on:
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This is awkward—not having any school work to do. Yeah. We whine when there’s too much work and still do when there’s none at all.If this blog is a representative of my heart, a reflection of my feelings, then maybe for the past two weeks my heart was either empty or too exhausted that it shut down for awhile.
The truth was: the first week I was missing in action, I was out trying to be in control of things that I know were out of my hands. I believe in myself too much—the power I have in seeing things between the lines and beyond what people say more than meets the eye. I was following my hunch and it led me to this very long and unwinding road of doubt for everything that I have.
It exhausted the life out of me. Believe me, at that phase, I was dreading to agree that sometimes ignorance is bliss. O yeah I do agree now. And relationships without trust are of course something that we don’t want to have. But trust is something to be earned. And time is something that I don’t own. I make total nonsense here for most of you, but I do believe some heads are nodding.
But then again—it all comes down to: not the trust you have of others but the trust you have for yourself. What I learned about during that 1 exhausting week was, I neither need to force myself into trusting other people nor doubting everything, but I do need to learn to trust myself in the things that I think I can do and have control of.
For example. I can’t force people to tell the truth all the time because people will always have a chance and have the excuses to lie. That’s what people do, you know. I can’t control what people do. But what I can do is showing how much I am worth the truth. And the truth better be the ones that wouldn’t hurt me.
Then, I let go.
The second week I was missing—
Well. Herm. Where was I? o yeah… I think I was out having fun already. Things look lighter when I let go of the hunch. I exited the road of doubt. Clyde brought me to the park again for breakfast and I played the swing and imagined I was flying. He imagined there were aliens coming to get us when the wind blew the dried leaves. We started to have fun in everything again. Even with wearing helmets in the car. I finally got my rainbow ice-cream again after 2 weeks of failed search.
At that same time I also just finished with my practicum. I may not be one of the trainees who deserved a distinction but I felt just good about everything—now that it’s over. I was glad that students and teachers did throw me some surprise parties and give me some small gifts which were more than enough. Because I was expecting to just disappear without any trace… Both hellos and goodbyes and everything else in between are awkward with people I just knew for a short time.
And there’s this one kid: her approximately seventh year in the schooling system and she said I am the best English teacher she had so far. She likes my teaching style apparently. But I don’t know what to reply so I just casually laughed at her remark and said I didn’t believe her. I said I didn’t believe any one of the naughty brats who said things like they love me and they’ll miss me. But she was the quiet one, you see. She said “this is true teacher, I’ll miss you very much…”—just made all the 3 months’ hard work and tears worth it.
You see, as one of my friends said to me “see, everything is not as bad as you see”—referring back to my hunch, my trust (more of mistrust maybe) and my practicum problems. It’s not like I like to see the ugly side of everything—if I know how to stop, I’d stop. If I know how to stop thinking too much and there’s a switch for it or something, I’d turn it off. But I can’t. Maybe I can just learn how to differentiate things that are under my control from those which are beyond my control, and actually take control.