fikiran satu kosong satu kosong

kadang2 aku rasa bersalah bila merasakan diri sendiri tidak cukup.

salah kah perasaan ini?

bila aku mengira-ngira apa yang aku ada dan merasakan bahawa apa yang aku ada itu tidak cukup? adakah aku dikira orang yang tidak bersyukur, Allah?

Ampunkan aku jika ya...

cuma aku sentiasa mengharap diri lebih baik dari siapa aku sekarang. itu yang aku kira-kira masih lagi tidak cukup.

bila aku lihat hasil kerja si polan itu lagi baik, aku merasa resah. aku rasa aku ingin buat sebaik itu. atau mungkin lebih baik dari itu. aku cuba. kadang2 terlalu mencuba, aku rasa. buruk juga hasilnya.

bila aku lihat hasil usaha si polan ini pula lagi berkualiti, aku merasa marah pada diri sendiri. aku berfikir panjang di mana silapnya usaha ku sampai hasil usaha ku buruk apabila dibanding dengan hasil usaha si polan ini...

apakah aku salah, ya Allah, bila mengira-ngira begini?

kalau iya, jadikan lah aku antara orang yang bersyukur.

dan jadikan lah aku orang yang 'cukup' bijaksana dan 'cukup' bakat dan ilhamnya..supaya aku mampu menggunakan apa saja yang aku ada untuk menghasilkan sesuatu yang baik dengan izin Mu..supaya aku mampu membuat apa saja yang aku mampu untuk memberi kesan kepada kebaikan dengan izin Mu..

aku cuma insan kerdil--tapi aku ingin beri 'kesan'

apa cita2ku terlalu besar, Allah?

buruknya sekolah?

we can always see things differently. the things we thought are good--are probably arent that good--it can be totally bad. and the things that are bad; tearing our hearts apart; breaking the hopes that we thought we had in our hands--are probably the best things that could happen to us..

paham x?

for example: aku slalu marah dgn budak2 dalam kelas aku. refer to my previous post. ini secara langsung buat aku marah dengan sistem pendidikan di negara kita. sometimes i feel most things arent where they are suppose to be (whenever i am at school).. perasaan marah itu buat aku bertambah over-peka to all the small details in school and in my life in particular. and i was like picking up all the sad things; the unfortunate things; the heart-breaking truths about life...

ya. aku memang sebegitu pathetic.

tapi sebenarnya? at the end of the day; you rest your head on the shoulders of your 'home', look back; and then you'll see...

Allah. semuar perkara baik saja.
perkara-perkara yang aku marahkan sebenarnya ada eloknya.

Sekolah ialah sebuah institusi yang penuh dengan falasi. Aku rasa memang itu pendapat aku semenjak aku dibangku sebelah penerima sehinggalah aku di bangku sebelah pemberi...but, despite all my bad-mouthing about it, aku sedar yang ia juga sama seperti semua 'barang' buatan manusia. it reflects its creator. kita ni manusia penuh kekurangan. takkan mampu mencipta sesuatu yang sempurna. berbeza dengan Pencipta KITA SEMUA.

--------

seperti yang aku sentiasa ingatkan diriku dan yang lain bila mampu; kesempurnaan ciptaan kita sebagai manusia terletak pada ketidaksempurnaan kita..hm. ini sudah jauh dari apa yang aku ingin sampaikan.

fokus ku sebenarnya ialah; dalam falasi diri--falasi sistem pendidikan kita terletak pelbagai kelebihan, pengajaran, kebaikan untuk orang-orang yang mahu berfikir, mau belajar, mau mengambil sesuatu yg baik darinya.

--------

dulu, ada satu kali tu; one of the parents said something like this:
apalah gunanya belajar semua sains, fizik, kimia, biologi bila kau keluar, kau jadi akauntan.
or was it that line? i wasnt really listening actually. but his point was; some of the subjects learned by the students will be wasted therefore learning those subjects are a waste of time.

a few teachers and i was so hot in our seats listening to what he was saying.
im an English teacher. but where i was before this? i was in a Chinese kindergarten for a year or so; was in a science boarding school--learning Chemistry, Biology and Physics for two years and then continued my study in TESL studies.

i dont think it's a waste. not at all.
you know why?

coz when we learn something; we werent just learning the subjects; what we learn affects us. it changes our logic, the way we think and the way we go through life and it adds our common knowledge; and most importantly; it makes us ponder the greatness of Allah.indirectly or directly.percaya lah.

sebagai contoh: konsep inersia.
Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion.

aku rasa antara semua konsep mudah dalam fizik, ini yang aku paling ingat. ia juga jadi salah satu kerepek yang aku jadi kan falsampah dalam fikiran-fikiran aku.
lihat konsep ini dalam real-life. lihat sos dalam botol yang di-jerkah menurun. lihat badan kita dalam kereta yang berhenti guna break. perubahan pasti akan ditentang dahulu sebelum diterima.

botol yang digoyangkan kebawah terhentak berhenti ditahan tangan. sos yang bergerak kebawah bersama goyangan botol tadi terus menentang ke-berhenti-an botol itu dan terjatuh keluar dari botol.

tidakkan ia mengajar kita sesuatu? tidakkan ia membuatkan kita berfikir?

itu baru sos. belum lagi knowledge pasal binari. pasal plente. pasal sistem pencernaan. atau macamana mau buka tutup akaun. ia efek jiwa. biarpun bukan pendidikan agama; ia tetap efek jiwa. sebab semua pengetahuan pun datang dari Maha pencipta.

tapi itu pun kalau kita mau belajar.

aku belajar berdebat bukan untuk jadi politician. tapi ia mengajar aku menjadi pemikir-sisi-yang-lagi-satu..bukan sesuatu yang boleh dibanggakan. tapi aku sentiasa mencuba.

ha. i always found myself almost crying over simple things at school--macam kerja banyak, tugasan banyak, tekanan dari pelajar yang berharap, tanggungjawab yg berderet2 (tambah lagi tanggungjawab di rumah yang baru) tapi bila air mata hampir hilang; baru aku ternampak everything the other way around. kerja yang banyak dan tugasan yang banyak mesti latih diri aku jadi lebih 'tahan-lasak'. tanggungjawab disekolah dan rumah, dan harapan anak2 pasti buat aku tertolak dari comfort zone aku. sebab aku tidak mahu fossilized dalam belajar pasal hidup.

haha. merepek di hari sabtu bila banyak lagi kerja sedang menunggu. aku cuma berharap kita semua dapat memberi peluang kepada perkara-perkara yang jelik di mata kita; manatahu kebaikan akan tertunjuk dari nya. sama seperti sitem pendidikan negara kita. yang penting; kita sebagai 'pengguna', cuba mencari apa yang terbaik bagi kita.

my dear students; learning and knowledge are never easy--as all the other precious things that we have to struggle for.

tidak faham

Dulu, aku masuk bidang perguruan ni ada sebab juga. Well, sort of. Sebab tersebut ialah: aku mau tolong remaja-remaja yang menghadapi masalah macam aku hadapi masalah dulu. Sebab aku rasa, masa sekolah, aku kurang dapat pertolongan. Or so I thought.

I thought that I would be able to help them as I wanted to help the past version of me. I thought I would be able to do so because I thought I would understand them as I thought that the problematic students and I walk in the same shoes.
But all those thoughts: I thought wrong…

I once again confronted one of the problematic students in class today. Two actually. Two from different classes.

In one of the cases, I could clearly see how his face was full of anger towards one of the discipline teachers who had issued a warning letter to him. And the other one; he was cold; barely showing any emotion. He couldn’t care less. He simply said; “Aku nda mau belajar suda…Malas.”

Dalam kedua-dua perbualan itu, aku terdiam dan berfikir: sesungguhnya aku tiada sedikit pun kemampuan untuk memahami remaja-remaja ini.

Keluarga kau kacau bilau? –tidak.

Hari-hari kau tidak cukup duit ka?—tidak.

Apa yang kau cari?—enjoy la,cikgu!

Kau tidak mahu ubah nasib keluar kau?—mau. Tapi aku malas.

Kenapa malas belajar?—malas la cikgu.

Sampai bila mau begini?—ntah. Sampai besok.

Why they do what they do. Why they are angry. Why they are lost. What are they searching for—I have no idea. It was totally different from back then. It was totally different from my case when I was in school. I felt helpless for I feel that I could do nothing to help. I could not make them change their minds. I could not help them to understand the perspectives of the people (teachers) that are actually scared for them.

This is the new era; of course. Even though the age gap was only 9 years; I could not barely touch their minds nor their heart. How can I be sure of that? Because they always have something to say back to me. They were adamant to stay that way. They are sure that they are at the right side of the ‘line’. They are very self-righteous.

I asked them: do you understand how fucked up your life would be in the future if you keep being like this?

Their answer is: “yes. I know.”

“That is my point. You know. But you don’t understand!.. ‘cause if you do understand it like I understand it, damn it, you’ll be scared as shit!”
Ok. Not that harsh, though. I’m a bit softer now. Haha.

Kesian anak-anak ini. Ke mana lah arah mereka nanti…

kerepek kawin

i really dont want to blog about my wedding and preparations. but i really feel like 'talking' now. alone. talking out loud. put my thoughts 'on' something...

some things are settled, some still on hold. biasa aja. i can continue with checking on the test papers; i can continue with the drawing-commissions; i can continue that sketch; i can do that postponed-laundry; darn--best of all i can sleep. i can do loads of other stuffs. but sometimes, there'll come a point where your body just resists doing anything. your body tired. your emotions blurred. your thoughts tangled. too much in your head that you need something to clear it up.

and now is one of those 'sometimes'

no. drawing cant do it at the moment. neither can reading. let alone marking those papers. hah. so. blogging it is.

the long excuse-making:why-i-had-to-blog-away-my-life introduction...again..why o why do most 'amateur' bloggers like me had to have that feeling n that need to explain why we need to blog at times? shucks.

anyways.

was nodding n dozing off in meetings and classes (whilst checking exam papers and invigilating at the same time) the whole week. sleep-deprived yes. aihh. n now i just refuse to sleep coz i cant get enuf of this new-found song...its just haunts me so.

..about love.

u know that feel?--when; u know, before this, u thot that u know how it feels when u love someone. n suddenly--this new feeling--is sooo much better than that previous love-feeling; its better in ways u cant describe..n now; u cant even put it on words. u cant even brag about it on shout-outs on facebook even u want it so badly. even if u dont mind people will throw up when they read ur thoughts on this new feeling--u still cant put it out on words. even when u r willing to take that risk of being labeled cheesy. or mushy. just to announce how great u feel about this feeling...

but it's all in vain. coz u cant...ure unable..

all u know is it's weirdly calming. u dont have to fight a war for it; coz its there. No. it doesnt mean it's boring. it's even adventurous.it's always new. ..and..argh. fail for words again. thot of putting songs on a list--songs that can help me express my feelings now; but nah. not one song can hidsadsadas

im blabbing.

fine. im just happy that im marrying someone i love dearly.

that 'dearly' word--is used for lack of a better expression...

when i say i love this man; i love him. you don't know how glad i am that he is the guy...

i tried to explain this to him--and he simply said; "nah--im no special guy. it's u. it's the timing. you've gone through a lot--it matures u; n then i found u when u're already a great lady"

well, sort of that sentence. maybe i exaggerate a bit at the end. :) but still, im awed..

btw here;s a story. for the sake of killiing time.

an awesome-weird thing happen today.

i seldom listen to the radio; nor do i watch tv. so i barely know what's new n hot with the music scene nowadays...but i switched to radio mode this morning n 'accidentally' listened to a very gilak-hebat (for lack of a better word) song--i cant make out the words n thus later, i fail in my quest to find that song through google search..naik gila jugak trying coz i was really haunted by the song. suddenly, baru tadi, hati tergerak nak bukak justsuper..n there; written a name of a singer. i dont know why i searched it on youtube. chose a video n--well, well..watdayaknow...its that song ive been searching since morning.

lovely.. :)

oh i know. this feeling is--pabila drifting off to sleep di atas sebuah bukit, di bawah pohon rimbun, atas rumput hijau dikelilingi bauan kehijauan dan kesegaran udara..angin pelan tapi sejuk..rasa selamat dan tenang. sunyi yang tidak bingit.senyuman tipis yang terukir bukan sebab apa--tapi sebab gembira yg tenang...rasa syukur.

ia cuma rasa: OK. ya!! ia perasaan yg: OK!! itu saja.

O. K.

rasa yang seperti: "things gonna be alright; no matter how bad it gets--we'll b alright." iya..begitu...

eh. aku bukan penyajak. dan cinta ini tidak membuat aku menjadi penyajak. *refer to previous post*. aku org picisan saja.

*senyum tenang lagi*

rants on books

i always puzzled myself about why i dont buy books that often/easily.

i have always wanted to buy books on arts, drawings and handcrafts. But i never had the money and the guts to spend a handful of money on something i'm not sure of its importance. uuh. that made me sound like i dont care about art. i thought about buying art-reference books because art is important to me. it's just that i'm not sure that i cant continue on drawing without one.

okay. fine. we know i can. we know everybody can. but we also know that i can improve my skills with the help of [some] book(s). that's only logical. although that's the case, i cant help myself from hearing these whispers: "you wont go blank without a reference book in art--not like science or history or language" ..or... "come on..you can figure that out yourself" .. or .. "that amount is worth a few weeks of food on your table during school-hours ie canteen".

and i have to mention, i was reminded by a distant friend's blog last night about the book 'girl with the pearl earing'..i read the book in 2006 [it's really good] and then i watched the movie when i was in Welly [it's as good as the book]..and i just had to watched it again after reading my friend's post and i notice one dialog exchange that suits me pretty well now.

it goes a little something like this

'does the books show u what to paint?' Greet said.

Vermeer laughed. and then replied 'hm..it helps'

im no daughter of rich ppl (not even of considerably-rich ppl) to be able to stomach the thought of giving money for books that i can live without; though i am now with my own paychecks, the habit of refusing such purchase still lives inside me; so although i REALLY want an art book--or any book for that matter, i still feel this 'guilt' when i wanted to buy one*.

and so what happen to the importance of art? im in no state of privilege to be surrounded by hugely-talented family members, my siblings are but they're also amateurs like me and i am no close to libraries full of art-reference books--[only when i was in Welly],(not forgetting the scarcity of art-supplies here) but i still have the internet. and for that, I am so grateful. i stopped wanting to buy them books.

haih. waz and her indecision.

so i guess, for now, i will continue on hoping that one day i'll break that barrier between me and buying art-books.

as for fictional books. it's very difficult for me to find books that i really, really love. and i dont want to waste money on books that i'd read half way [coz i will only finish reading the books that i REALLY love ie thought intriguing, with light and understandable drama and conflict, a bit philosophical with a touch of romance, creative/weird/that X-factor, maybe a bit/a lot of depressing/simply sad things--depending on topic, a good cover, and at most times--must be in the first person view]..mmg susah!! huhu

but anyhows, i know fictional books are plenty in local libraries...(?)

urghh.

so, there. i only wanted to share on why i still dont even have a full shelf of books even though i love sitting in the middle of libraries/bookstores and feel just like how it'd be in my imaginary home.

reason lain: kedekut??

*bila dibesarkan dengan pemikiran yang duit itu sangat susah untuk datang, dan cuma boleh membelanjakannya pada benda yang 'penting' saja, memang susah untuk tidak mempunyai 'guilt' itu. sedangkan coklat pun aku takut mau beli..tapi bila fikir balik, banyak saja benda kureng 'penting' yang aku sudah 'wasted my money with'..(?) maybe because i wasted so much in the past that i am more afraid of purchasing these things now?... nta.