and so with the terrible flu and headaches ive been having *for days too*, i spend a lot of time today, sleeping. i cant seem to open my eyes. my head hurts so badly, it still hurts even now. my house will be undergoing renovations starting this sunday, so i have to get well by then so i wouldnt need that much of sleep coz it will b damn too noisy to sleep.
n so for today's rantings...
on questions and dreams..
some things in this world will never be understood by humans coz our brains have their limitations. so some questions in this life, this world, this universe, can never be answered.this is a fact. a simple fact that, really, should only makes us stronger, wiser and happier. a limitation that would not make us less of a value, but make us even better. aint that a marvel. there's a connection there *between the limitation and being better* that i cant really explain in detail but im sure, regular readers know where im going with this.
so... i remember, i have been so rebelious in my teenage years because i keep trying and trying to search for answers of why some really bad things happened to me...i did found some possible answers *which i seriously thought was the real concrete answers at that time* that not only made me more rebelious but also made me even more lost. 'answers' that only made me drift further and further away from the truth.
but now...i think i know i dont have to have all the answers to all my questions. i know this long before, but as i have said repeatedly before, some things--you just know about em but you dont really know em, understand em..untill you really do...right..
so perhaps..i just realize, really3 realize--that i should just let go of those certain questions. this is not the act of giving up before a fight, coz if you really know me and what i have been through, i did go through a hell of a fight. its actually the result of confidence and certainty in that One true power.so let it go. it feels so much lighter, my shoulders. heh
letting go of those questions doesnt mean i let go of my dreams and my efforts realizing those dreams... in fact, letting go of those questions make me even more motivated to go forward and to hold on to those dreams. my mom always say this when i talk about my dreams
"jangan lah kau suka2 mau cakap pasal itu semua, ina... kita tida tau apa yang ada di depan..nanti kau cakap2, tida juga jadi, na...apa kau mau buat.."
so much that i love my mother, i do get heart broken everytime she said this. but well, i cant blame her...she might be right. anyway, she might be trained to be think that wayby the way life has treated her,so...ermm...but well, i disagree. because, for me, those dreams should exist as an aim. those dreams should be talked about as a motivation. coz, i believe that, the more we talk about it, the more it sounds concrete. its like doing those routine of saying things repeatedly *like in prayers and other routines*..the more you say it, with all your heart, the more you believe in them...right?
so...i want to have a 4x4 suv jeep-like. i dont think im capable of having a wrangler with my near-future income.so maybe a suzuki jimny would do. heehhhh or anything similar.as long as it has the capability of entering the most difficult route in Sabah. say--around Ranau or some high and rural lands in Sabah. Kundasang? Tambunan?
area2 tu ialah area2 family belah ayah. but no..i did not dream for a car so that i can go and find him..
i dream to have a car that can go to those places coz in those regions, there must be high schools. in those schools, there must be students. students who have dreams too. students who are capable in terms of brain capacity to realize those dreams. but they couldnt talk about them in front of their mothers and relatives and blablabla coz those dreams seem imposible.
i wouldnt blame them parents. to a certain extent, they're probably true. and to a certain extent too, those dreams might vanish from those students lips, and then from their minds, and then from their hearts.
what makes those dreams seem imposible to them? money ofcourse.
and when we talk about money+education= scholarship. this might sound offensive to some, but, i do believe there is something wrong with our scholarship division or with the way they decide (or who ever that decides) to whom the scholarships are given to coz...coz...i think, there are intelligent but economically-unfortunate students out there..bbut where are they??aku patut sudah berjumpa dengan mereka sepanjang perjalanan academic aku..tapi setakat ni, aku jarang jumpa..oleh itu, aku membuat andaian bahawa terlalu sedikit jumlah pelajar miskin yang menerima biasiswa besar.
but that is just my thoughts based on what i personally see through my life.i might be wrong.but whether im right or wrong, i still have to help those children with big dreams..yeahhh!!i want to help them find their way to earning their scholarships.
hehehe
hmm
hurm
but if one day, when i realize that some of my many dreams could not become reality, i should let go of them and talk about new dreams...