And so, like what I had been saying in the past two blogs that I owned, I am still not proud of who I have become and what I have done. I still dare not say "I am W*z*a*" without a slight hint of shame. I still see myself in the mirror and straight away hate what I see.
And also, I have come to accept this one fact that whatever I do, people will make my actions as targets and points for my own humiliation. That means the more I expose myself, the more I (myself) invite the downgrade from others. This just shows that it does not matter what I do—it will still never be good enough for some people.
But then again, how is it that I expose myself? How is it that I have come to being the target of an execution by a firing squad? Maybe being me and going for what I want have brought me here. Aih..
And now that I am here, the next question will be: am I happy or am I sad?—because if I am happy, I should not feel this hatred towards my own reflection. But I do. I hate that reflection. So, does that show that I am sad? That I regret my decisions?
But I think I am here for many reasons and also, I am here for the sole effect of the continuous process of learning and making mistakes. I see no pit points of victory in my road of living, because victory is simply having this life to live, having this present time to inhale and exhale all of the things that I can take and learn from. So, all I can say is that I don’t regret my decisions and I am happy and sad at the same time. That is just life. I don’t have to be only one at a time.
I chatted with a friend last night. Talking to him gave me a lot of things to ponder—the things that we most probably have heard so many times before and we thought we got it but actually we haven’t, and anyway it still nice to talk about it as a friendly reminder. One of the things he said was that life is just too short to keep on re-thinking about our past actions—keep on going back there in our minds as if we can change anything. Though, as said by my facilitator during BTN, the past is very important as it is what creates us in this present time.
And then another dear friend said that there is no use worrying about the future too much because we could not reach there until we are really there. Planning is enough, but worrying would be absurd. So, from these few claims I concluded that what is most important is living in the present. (cliché; but it is a cliché for a reason)
And something huge happened this year that made me realize that the one question that really matters is “what do I/you/we want?” And us, being human beings, most of what we want is actually things that could make us happy (or so we thought; sometimes what we want, can’t make us happy after all). Then, if that question only leads to wanting the things that make us happy, we could modify that question to be more specific: what makes me/you/us happy?
Adds to the previous point, then we get: what makes me/you/us happy now; in the present? I obviously can’t make myself happy in the past because it already passed me and I could plan every detail to make sure I am happy in the future but I may still end up not being happy after all. Therefore, yes, what is more important is the present and what makes me happy now.
And so that question in general is supposed to help find and lead us to our contentment, to our happiness, insyaAllah. But of course, then came the issue of how difficult it is—the pursuit of happiness.
Nobody has ever claimed that happiness is easy. But if we really want happiness, we go for it.
Take: after a long run towards one aim, I realize I am running for nothing. (This is the case when something I thought I want because it makes me happy did not actually make me happy). This is because nothing is static, nothing is certain until it really happens and even when it happens, the true nature of those happenings may still differ to what I perceive in my head.
So if running towards one direction does not make me any nearer to what I am going for, I could run from a different direction—and then from another, and then another, and another. Until one point, I see no point in running towards that aim. So I ask myself: is it really worth it? When there are endless possibilities in this world, I am still running to this one aim and ignoring the other infinite number of aims; is this really making me happy?
That is when I change my course and find another aim that I think can make me happy.
But if we are still sad, the way out is our struggle to gain back happiness even if we are in our state of sadness. Consider: my mom. All her life, she lives within sadness. No, no. Wait, wait. That could be wrong. The truth is my mom has gone through a tough past and she may be still living a tough life now. Then, let us say going through a tough life is sad; as all I see in Bersama Mu are tears. So, with that, I assume she is sad and if sadness is water, then she’ll be still swimming inside a pool of it. But in that kind of state, she still struggle for her happiness. She work hard for money, she feed her children and get them into school; she pray and she pray hard, and nothing else matters. So once in a while I could hear she laughs and I could see her smiles.
That is what I call tough. And that is what I call her pursuit of happiness.
Kadang-kadang, aku rasa, aku hampir sombong dengan kepercayaan bahawa aku melalui sebuah kehidupan yang susah. Sombong/bongkak dengan kehidupan susah? Is this even possible? Of course. Aku kadang-kadang merasa aku ni berlagak dengan kehidupan aku yang susah. Apatah lagi dikelilingi oleh kenalan-kenalan yang hidup mereka jauh lebih baik berbanding aku. Kadang-kadang bila mereka sedih, ada penyakit hati dalam aku yang mau kata “itu yang kau kata susah?? Tengok hidup aku~”
Tapi aku silap. Masing-masing punya tahap masing-masing.
I shouldn’t put myself in his/her/their position, but rather be him/her/them in that position. The perceptions of the same world that we live in are different from one person to another. So to judge their misery from my own experience is just not fair.
Jadi sekarang, aku lebih cuba mendengar tanpa membuat perbandingan dengan kehidupan ku yang aku lagakkan itu. Kadang-kadang aku tersilap jugak sebab Zila masih merasa aku ni egocentric sangat. *gelak sopan…behhh*
Aiihhh…I love my friends. And though I have only a few, I am very grateful for that few bunch, because they are good people that always make me question, think and reflect. They are smart people. They are critical thinkers, I must say. They help me find some pieces of my jigsaw puzzles in my head, not by giving me those pieces but by helping me to think until I found those pieces myself. And though I have been avoiding saying this in here, I want to say this now. I have come to dearly love, adore, respect, care, dangerously obsess over and occasionally hate this one person that came unexpectedly into my life. He will now continue being the one of the main reasons for me to push myself to learn, understand and be mature enough for my own and our sake. And my mom and siblings too; maybe not great with academic certificates, but they sure are great thinkers and explorers of life experience.
All of these people cause me sadness too (of course), the sadness of which will be the base for me to learn to cherish my happiness as the effect of (simply) having them to love and being loved by.
So, A few years ago, I come into this conclusion: happiness is possible but sadness is inevitable. You could see this phrase somewhere in my early stupid artwork. Sadness is inevitable, that is why I think I always tell myself that even if it is hard, I just have to swallow it. It is everywhere. I will have it, no matter how I try to avoid it. Even if I say I didn’t seek for it, it will still find me.
But happiness… it is possible. It is never impossible. It is hard but it is always possible. I think happiness is the one wish that always is realistic. If you really wish to be happy, one sip of water will make you happy as if going through a drought. If you really wish to be happy, having one leg will make you happy as oppose to none. If you really wish to be happy, losing will make you happy as it will make you realize the things you have and losing will make room for some more gaining.
Being a pathetic person that I am, I always find myself able to find something, anything as excuses to be sad for. I can find faults, I can find flaws. I can start a chain of reasons to be sad for even if it starts with me slipping and falling on a slippery ground. This is probably the result of being an excessive thinker with less knowledge which is evidently dangerous. Therefore, the real challenge is to stop this and just be happy. I thought that I should find reasons for the being of me, then understand and improve. But then again, I can be less critical but smarter (maybe means being more of an ignorant) and just live in the present.
So, folks, this is a self reflection of my current state. Saya budak belajar, kalau salah tolong jangan kurang ajar. Whatever this means to you, maybe you could learn too, about life and what not to do. *hey it rhymes!!*
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