sometimes i just forget myself.i forget.im sorry.
now is the time u know u need Idioteque.
amongst all the other songs by radiohead, this is the craziest i must say.it takes you to a place where no one goes.actually, it takes u to nowhere.u disappear.the beat,collin's synth,the noise from ed and jonny, thom's voice, and when phil's drum comes back in again near the end..it all just bursts to one stop. and you say:hello, world.
when u completely forget to remind urself abt something n then u remember--the thought coming back to u--it brings along other things that u forget, even the things that u purposely want to forget.the things u want to leave.the things u want to abandon.it all comes back to u in one whole package.
truck.
i was brought up in an environment that--i duno, makes me want to apologize for everything.i apologize almost all the time.seems like everything is my fault.maybe, just maybe, it started when my father left us.maybe.though i know its not my fault, but somehow, i found myself blaming myself for everything after he left.
what exactly happens after that? maybe its just me, but after he left,i feel there was a burden on my shoulder.my siblings kept on reminding me (directly or indirectly) that im the only hope of connecting everyone together (mom-me, abang amin- me, aman-me, ema----no one but maybe me too, indirectly.and none of them could actually go together without me inbetween) the only hope for somewhat keeping the family name able to earn a little *if any* respect from other people, the only hope for mom, the only hope for nice things to happen, the only hope not to fuck things up. and sadly, everytime i just feel that i really fuck everything up.and i keep feeling sorry for everyone in the family for being who i am--someone whom i think would never reach their expectations...or maybe, I AM the one who put those expectations on myself.maybe.if its true, then i apologize to myself too..hmmm im going on incircles...
and today, i find myself apologizing for everything else too.even when im angry at other people for something i think is totally their fault, i will eventually feel sorry n if i have the guts or the chance, i will apologize to them.
sometimes, i apologize even for the things that have nothing to do with me.im sorry if i annoyed anyone by doing that--
hm..another apology..
hmm..whats my point of this entry again? i forget...aaahmm...hmm..yeah..no point actually. just to share things maybe.as always.babbling about things.throw the thoughts out from my head into the limitless space of the world wide web.and let it swim.
i hate being alone.but i know im not alone.so i hate thinking that im alone.and knowing that im wrong to think that im alone.and then i hate that i hate being alone coz the fact is everyone is alone in this world.but we're never alone coz we have God with us all the time, everywhere, anywhere. so i know that im wrong if i think im alone.and we're not alone , we're never alone coz everyone is connected somehow. so i hate to hate that i hate being alone coz we're not alone when i feel we're alone but we're not alone anyway.so screw loneliness.
what the heck...lighten up, waznah.
you know..at times...im just sorry for being who i am but i know i dont want to be anyone else but me.
owh the artwork.nope.i havent done anything with it.yet.so..maybe after im done with reflecting on apologies and loneliness and what ive done, what i havent done, what im suppose to be doing, what im suppose to have done, what i should be doing and what i shouldnt be doing, and everything else in this world,maybe after that i can start on actually doing something.
yeah.
now is the time u know u need Idioteque.
amongst all the other songs by radiohead, this is the craziest i must say.it takes you to a place where no one goes.actually, it takes u to nowhere.u disappear.the beat,collin's synth,the noise from ed and jonny, thom's voice, and when phil's drum comes back in again near the end..it all just bursts to one stop. and you say:hello, world.
when u completely forget to remind urself abt something n then u remember--the thought coming back to u--it brings along other things that u forget, even the things that u purposely want to forget.the things u want to leave.the things u want to abandon.it all comes back to u in one whole package.
truck.
i was brought up in an environment that--i duno, makes me want to apologize for everything.i apologize almost all the time.seems like everything is my fault.maybe, just maybe, it started when my father left us.maybe.though i know its not my fault, but somehow, i found myself blaming myself for everything after he left.
what exactly happens after that? maybe its just me, but after he left,i feel there was a burden on my shoulder.my siblings kept on reminding me (directly or indirectly) that im the only hope of connecting everyone together (mom-me, abang amin- me, aman-me, ema----no one but maybe me too, indirectly.and none of them could actually go together without me inbetween) the only hope for somewhat keeping the family name able to earn a little *if any* respect from other people, the only hope for mom, the only hope for nice things to happen, the only hope not to fuck things up. and sadly, everytime i just feel that i really fuck everything up.and i keep feeling sorry for everyone in the family for being who i am--someone whom i think would never reach their expectations...or maybe, I AM the one who put those expectations on myself.maybe.if its true, then i apologize to myself too..hmmm im going on incircles...
and today, i find myself apologizing for everything else too.even when im angry at other people for something i think is totally their fault, i will eventually feel sorry n if i have the guts or the chance, i will apologize to them.
sometimes, i apologize even for the things that have nothing to do with me.im sorry if i annoyed anyone by doing that--
hm..another apology..
hmm..whats my point of this entry again? i forget...aaahmm...hmm..yeah..no point actually. just to share things maybe.as always.babbling about things.throw the thoughts out from my head into the limitless space of the world wide web.and let it swim.
i hate being alone.but i know im not alone.so i hate thinking that im alone.and knowing that im wrong to think that im alone.and then i hate that i hate being alone coz the fact is everyone is alone in this world.but we're never alone coz we have God with us all the time, everywhere, anywhere. so i know that im wrong if i think im alone.and we're not alone , we're never alone coz everyone is connected somehow. so i hate to hate that i hate being alone coz we're not alone when i feel we're alone but we're not alone anyway.so screw loneliness.
what the heck...lighten up, waznah.
you know..at times...im just sorry for being who i am but i know i dont want to be anyone else but me.
owh the artwork.nope.i havent done anything with it.yet.so..maybe after im done with reflecting on apologies and loneliness and what ive done, what i havent done, what im suppose to be doing, what im suppose to have done, what i should be doing and what i shouldnt be doing, and everything else in this world,maybe after that i can start on actually doing something.
yeah.