im gona drown myself in self-pity..you got a problem with that?
i wana live in a small place...a really small place.. just enough for my stuffs n some other stuffs..no large space..maybe just a big table, a big sofa n the rest can be as small as they can be.a good view is what matters.
i dont want any tv. n the place should b sound-proof.no sound should escape the place.no fire alarms.no smoke detector.a good sound system is a must.a light that can change color n brightness.a refrigerator that will make so much sound that i wouldnt feel too lonely at night.no bed.just mattress coz i dont want any monster living under my bed.no closet to0 then.my clothes should b just tshirts of different colors n a couple of jeans n cargos so i wouldnt need any closet.for my feet,a high cut convers can do.just one shoe at a time.n a cheap sandals.
formal dresses.i wont need them.coz i wont b working as a teacher in this fantasy.o yeah. this is only a fantasy.did i forget to mention that?anyway,no phones.no cellphone.no Internet.just laptop(s).a couple of guitars.some books n dvds.no...exclude the dvds.but there's payphones near.
o yep.dont forget the balcony.i need a balcony.for sunsets.no sunrise please.maybe in the middle of a quiet city like wellington.wait.hm.yeah.in the city.so that i could hear ppl passing by all the time.but not a hectic city tho.
like welly..i can alwwaays go n watch the sea, beautiful parks, lots of green leaves, fresh air, flowers.always summer.some rainy days.but no wind.i mean, none of that 180kmph wind.i can go to places with lots of people just for the hell of it.but ppl wont notice me.so there's no need for conversations.no small talks.no feelings.no nothing.no one knows me.just people passing by.while i watch the kids run around, i can have my pathetic self-pitying mode until they all go back home, hoping i have my own kids.but i cant coz my life isnt conducive enough to raise children.n i dont have a husband.
the food supplies.i want lots of instant noodles.no knives would b necessary.no pills.no medicines.no ropes.lots of chocolates.no point to cook.i'll eat out most of the time.or eat in with fast foods.
owh..owh..i forgot about mom.she's in a mansion.i bought her one.she's living with bangmin and aman n ema and their families.they're really happy now so i wont have to worry a bit about them.dad's dead by then.so i wont have to worry bout him too.but im not angry with him anymore.
the toilet will be all black.a bathtub is essential.a huge mirror so i can have a look at myself everyday n be reminded of how awful i am.inside n out.not ugly.but awful.inside n out.
aahhh yes...i need a cat.male.big.furry.a lazy but clever cat.he can hunt his own food but always comes back to me.yes his name will stll be Ladida.what a sissy name for a male cat.pussy.what a pussy puss.ahaha.he has gray,black n white fur.long tail n really clear gray eyes.smokey eyes.
i can sit out on my balcony at night.no.i need a rooftop too.where i can have another portable mattress there n blankets n pillows so i can lay down on clear nights where lots of stars will come out.
where wil the money come from...let me think...hm..owh,im a really famous artist.i sell my art.big money.also a poet.my poems will b studied by phD students in uni's.i have some books re-printed several times.novels.short stories.n i was in a really great band.we tour with radiohead a couple of times.but i left after my second successful record with the band.for the reason of--"im searching for blind-spots.my blindspots".whatever that means.
im always 21 in that fantasy.eheh.i'll b dead by 21 n i was born 21.eukh.scary.
ofkos..in this fantasy,i have no one but myself.
that means i wont touch therefore wont ruin anyone's life.
what a sad, sad, sad and beautiful life...
like i said, im drowning myself in selfpity,
u got a problem with that?
fakofendai.