Sebelum apa-apa, aku mau cakap “terima kasih”.
Okay. Let’s move on to my daily rambling needs.
Sedih besok tak masok kelas. + pusing. +chuak. aku ponteng.
Aku ingat, aku nak cakap pasal sesi interrogation yang aku lalui sepanjang flight KL-SDK semalam. Tapi aku rasa akan membazir saja.
si pak cik tua itu...Kalau ajak bercakap tentang cuaca pun aku boleh. Atau bercakap fasal topik apa yang duit boleh beli pada masa sekarang ini pun cukup sesuai ketika terbang bersama airasia ni.
Tapi tidak. Si tua itu menanyakan aku satu persatu soalan personal. Bapak kerja apa??? Di mana bapak sekarang? Mak kerja apa??? Rumah kat Sandakan beli ka sewa?
Nasib dia si tua. Dan mak aku kata biar macam mana kita rasa salah pun orang tua tu, kau kena hormat juga. Jadi aku jawab sepatah dua saja dan buat bunyi seakan aku senyum. Tunduk.
I am not really good with small talks. Seriously, sometimes I hate that people expect us to talk to strangers. I am not comfortable to talk to a total stranger as if we've known for ages, so I just smile most of the time. Itu pun orang boleh salah anggap, kata sombong.
Di sekolah, sampai aku di tegur juga tidak bercakap dengan senior teachers.
Setiap kali saja aku berselisih, bertentang mata, berdiri berdepan, aku memang senyum dan tunduk. Kalau di tanya, aku jawab. Kalau bercakap banyak, aku cuba juga bercakap kembali.
Tapi itu semua tidak pernah cukup. Haih. Itu lah expectations Malaysian society. Kalau tidak tercapai, mula lah membuat konklusi sendiri.
Actually, I am procrastinating. I am not on vacation. Not even on MC. I still have to do my work. But I am deviating like always. As can be observed, at first I didn’t want to talk about that topic, it will waste my time. Which exactly what I did. I wasted my time rambling about it.
We’re coming in the third week of practicum. I don’t want it to be my third week of faking faces to cover my pain. I hope I am stronger. I wish I am wiser. I just want to be a better person. I thought I tried my best. But now, I don’t think I was trying hard enough—thus came the reminder.
So, lesson for today: when you think you’re trying your best, you are actually limiting yourself.
You see, when we say : “I try my best/I am trying my best/this is my best” we are actually putting a fix definition of the word BEST. It is somewhat similar to “this is as far as I can go. Mind you, it is far, you know. The furthest any man has ever gone. This is my best”. The moment this fella said that, he put some kind of boundary to where he thinks the furthest he can go. Boundary=limit.
So my new understanding is this: we only know that we come to our limit by realizing that we are on the 'edge' already. And the edge is not something that is defined by us; but by other things instead. Like, you know it’s the end of a road when the next step you take is already on the muddy earth instead of the gray tarred road.
I just want to be a better person.