I am currently at school. It’s Thursday but I have not had the time to babble my Thursday until now. Okay. It was not about the time constraint. It was more of the mood swings I had these several days. I think I need a shrink.
I visited Farah Mex’s blog that day and she had this song by Sigur Ros called Hoppipolla. It was a great song. It somehow meant something to me.
I think I mentioned somewhere in my previous entries that one of Sigur Ros’ album was related closely to one part of my life. It was during the time when I learned another definition of heart ache. The one that makes you think your heart was literally bursting and created a black hole that sucked your entire insides until it forced you to curl up your body. You wished that you can vanish into thin air. That kind of heartache.
It was also the part of my life when I was working hard as a cleaner. Some days, when I finished cleaning the final office building, I’d sat there quietly next to the garbage bags I already gathered to be thrown away on my way out of the building. The songs sometimes made me lost in my own thoughts; sometimes they made me lost focus and think of nothing, sometimes they made me calm. But basically the album was great. During those times, I had that album played on repeat.
I wonder why I stopped listening to it. And yes, perhaps it was due to the relation it had to the memory related to the heartache. But after the visit to Farah Mex’s blog, I tried to listen to the album again. And of course, it felt weird. There was a part of me that felt lost for awhile. Another part felt that pain again.
But, it was, after all, over and I was way done with it. It was a lovely and also painful memory. I keep it just because I couldn’t erase it. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Because if it wasn’t for that period of time, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I smile on the thought of this. Because I know I need to be this person before I could be ready for the one person whom I am with at the moment.
Because if I hadn’t gone through all the things I had gone through, and experience different kind of heart aches—especially ‘that’ kind of heartache, I doubt that I can recognize what’s love when I saw it.
I wouldn’t let this one go.