mase netball, our coach tak kasik aku masok game last. mase futsal, our coach tak kasik aku masok game semi n final.
and im sure its because im not good enough.
i know, for the team's sake , the coach will always know whats the best for us. who's in, who's out, who's best with who, based on chemistry n balance of everything n all. i know. thats y, i wont question anything or push myself to get in. this is how i see myself act as a team member.
but this thought brings me down half way down to the core of earth. **exaggerate** for years ive been searching for things that im sure im good at, good enough to make me proud of myself **not boastful yah** i thought it might be futsal, but damn. today, i know, i still cant find any. maybe im being too critical of myself, maybe.
so i tried to think more on the bright side.
excuse 1: i played a few minutes during both games (netball n futsal) so thats kinda contributing isnt it??
excuse 2: im cheering like hell till i got fever, maybe i did scream hard enuf for the gurls to listen at times..n maybe that did help...(???)
excuse 3: fuck it.
i cant think of anything good. n i know im not good enuf.that is that. nothing more, nothing less. its not about contributing to the team, right now. its not about that. its about self-satisfaction. its about what i can or can not do. im not angry for not being able to play in the game, im angry at my self for being not good enuf to deserve to play...
one thing i can say straight is that, no matter how negative i view all this shit in my life, i never did gave up n i never will. i tried. i tried hard. and trying hard is worth a good cry at the end of it when i know i failed to reach my own aim.
credits
Lennon mmg coach yg baek n bagus..he's been there for us all the while. he taught us many things, helped by poqi n apo. aku nak kate, klu tade Lennon, aku tataw cam ne aku nak dapat sikit semangat pun nak maen futsal.
team mates, girls, aku taw aku ni cam sial je mase training. byk cakap sampai ada yg naek panas telinga dengaq. sorry. but, well, my excuse: aku ni expressive sket. klu aku nampak sesuatu yg aku rase aku bleyh share, aku cakap. its not for me, its for us. tapi towards the match, aku rase aku maken suke maen ngan sume korang. its a great team, n it deserves this gold. though bukan aku a.
enaz, auni (goal keeper kite) , nana, mira (defender kite), daus, nad, lina, fatin(para winger) n illie, aishah (forward). maybe kite bleyh maen lagi kat sebelah umah fatin klu ade mase, at least sebelum aku pulang msia. kang klu kite dah tua2, bleyh maen kat msia same2...still bleyh kate "best la futsaaallll"....
one thing for sure, gold ni dah tebus balek kekalahan netbal. jijah, aku paham. klu aku tak demam n migraine, aku dah nanges sekali. eh, tecakap.sori.
with spilling that secret, i wana say again, thank you n good job to the futsal team. korang mmg maen lawa hari nih. korang mmg lawa.
ngow~