During the holidays, I have experienced once more, a whole new world from a somewhat new perspective. Not different but yet not familiar neither. Therefore, through this experience, I have decided that, people can say in lots of different ways, in lots of different language, in lots of different lovely remarks and words (so lovely that it can be used by Hallmark in their luuurrvvly and expensive cards) how they love one another, how they cherish and appreciate the people connected to them through blood, to hearts, by minds or by time—but words will be words only.
Because I have decided that what is more important is action. Let’s put an ‘s’ there—to show the plurality of it: actions; because there are too many ways to act in order to show how much we have that love in us for the people around us or for the people we declared as important to us. What’s important are the actions that we use to ‘say’ that we love those ‘someone(s)’.
I may be biased in this because I am also a person who does not know how to tell my mother, my brothers and yesss my sister as well, that I love them without feeling an inch (okay fine…a loadddd) of awkwardness. Also, I was raised to not viewing embracing and cheek-kissing as regular things between family members. Maybe one-at-a-time pat on the back.
I was raised to understand that high-pitched voices, some slapping and pinching and (at times) hitting as some of the several ways to say ‘I love you’. It is only until the recent 6-7 years that I learn to be a bit manja with my Mom the Iron Lady. But still I find myself unable to tell her that I love her, straightforward.
The nearest I can get to saying ‘I love you, mommy’ is by telling my brother ‘take good care of mom, okay. I can’t look after her from here’. Or telling to herself: ‘mom, you take good care of yourself okay’… which will usually be followed by ‘kau tu la yang jaga diri sendiri, jangan kasi mama risau ya’… (-.-‘)
Though that’s the case, I still think that it is much joy to be like others around me who are able to say straightforward to their family members that they love each and every one of them. It’s just that I want to make it a point that it is okay to be someone who couldn’t do the same—it is okay as long as we show that we love them through actions. *tehihihi kasihan. mencari alasan untuk merasa senang hati*
It doesn’t matter what the actions are: pushing my younger brother around and sekeh his head, telling old inside jokes to siblings and say they were/are still ‘buduuu’ or even simply laying my head on her (the Iron Lady’s) lap *even it means improperness (and can bring bad luck) in my culture*—these things matter as long as at the end of the day, those people that I love do feel loved.
On a fairly related topic (maybe not at all related), I wanted to share this: one of the artists I stalked in dA put up a poll about:
I want to be...
- Free!
- Loved!
- Alone!
- Rich!
- Smart!
- Strong!
- Lost!
- Cured!
- Beautiful!
- Carefree!
Mind you, the exclamation marks are really there. I didn't put it myself.
I can only tick one option. I didn’t tick any. I couldn’t tick any. I don’t want to be any and yet I want to be every one of that. Why?—I did ask myself that. Well, maybe I can make that as my next entry. Maybe not.
personal note:i know exactly how ironic this entry is.