Your satisfaction on someone else's expense

I am in denial of all the other more important stuffs I have to write. I want to babble my sweet not-working-Monday first. Such sweetness is not always available to be tasted often. Just for the sake of a topic: the poll I mentioned in my previous entry. I have ‘edited’ it a bit—throw some of the options away and rearrange them. The new arrangement has nothing to do with level of importance or whatever. I just want it to flow this way.

So here goes. The poll is simply

I want to be:

1. Alone!

To tell you the truth, I had enough of the times when I was too young that I always thought I wanted to be left the hell alone. There gone the times when I feel nobody understands me and hence the feeling of wanting to break away from the whole world and just live inside my own little universe. It was a childish thought. Because I know at that time, though I said I wanted to be alone; I was actually dying for a companion that could understand.

Ps. it’s remarkable—the way you understand me… thank you…

2. Rich!

Do I really want to be rich? At one point, yes. The first thing that crossed my mind on this point was having the power to buy everything that I wanted and wished to own since I was ‘old’ enough to know money. We are, to an extent, the generation of consumers. We were born trained to want the things we don’t need.

So when people say: money can’t buy you happiness; we already know that while that’s true, life without money will mean endless hardship that will be too challenging to even let any form of happiness to bloom—that is if it survives long enough for it to flower. So do I want to be rich? I just want to have enough money to survive achieving some of my dreams. And currently, I think I do need more money. Darn.

3. Strong!

Strong at heart and strong physically, of course! I want to be like my Iron Lady. She’s the strongest lady I have known yet. Cheesssh, corny. She can lift things that I know some boys can’t even move. She can endure things I doubt I can stand long enough to be like her—boiling water, cuts from big knives, the worst stench, handling a good old business for decades. Owh, owh. I almost forget: surviving a life so tough and challenging, especially as a single mother to four ungrateful bastards.

4. Lost!

I don’t want to be lost. Seriously. I don’t like being lost. I like to know where I am going, where I will be going and where is the route to where I am going. Literally and metaphorically. But sometimes, don’t you wish you are lost so that someone would find you? Haven’t you ever found you purposely making yourself lost for someone to find you? *raise eyebrows* Maybe not.

5. Cured!

I want to be cured from all the heart-diseases I have. I really wish this is possible. I realized how awful to have a heart that is able to hate, a heart that is full of doubt (that the act of trusting requires a constant-conscious effort), a heart that is filled with scars (that I myself won’t let it be healed—I keep on poking it until it bleeds again), a heart that is unable to forgive. I hate myself for having this heart marked with so many black stains. But hating it will only make it worst. So, try to wash it bit by bit, I will… *yoda styleeee*

6. Carefree!

I wish I am carefree. I wish I am the type of person that doesn’t mind the voices from the back seats of my own ‘car’—telling me things I don’t want to know or things I already known but said in a different way to ignite that hatred inside me. I wish I am that type of person that doesn't mind any insignificant-to-my-benefits voice at all.
But, truth be told, I don’t want to be too carefree that I lost the understanding of much deeper things surrounding me.

7. Free!

I think I am free. This freedom that I feel is enough freedom I could wish for. At some point, I do feel that it can be a bit too much. But that's a totally different point.
Bila kita fikir dalam-dalam, memang sungguh bertuah kita lahir di sini. Mak aku pun datang jauh-jauh dari Indonesia mencari tempat di sini hampir 3 dekad dulu. Kalau kita pasang telinga betul-betul, banyak gila sebenarnya complaint tentang kehidupan di sini berbanding di negara lain dari orang-orang sekeliling dan mungkin dari diri sendiri juga. Barangkali kita lupa, permainya negara kita ini, tiada tempat yang lebih baik dari sini—sebab di sini lah tempat yang kita panggil ‘rumah’, ‘tanah tempat tumpahnya darah’.

This morning I was woken up by a very loud noise from several choppers with our flags on ‘em. Sweet. I wonder what caused me the chill, actually. The feel of patriotism or the view of the choppers. I want to be: a pilot!!! (once was a big dream of mine)

"Aaa yiu sitting kumfatoub-liee baut tuu skue fut on yioo botiee? den wil bigin"


Oh can't you see
Holding on to my heart
I bleed the taste of life
We Carry On-PORTISHEAD

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC.